The Criminal Cat



This cat was absolutely black, smooth like a panther, beautiful and apparently of good blood. But she was not lucky in life (likely, someone drove her out of the house) and she was making food herself. In the summer in the nearest landscapes, and in the winter in the surrounding laundry in the village. People were not afraid, but they did not seek, and they did not give in their hands. She fought fiercely in the surrounding cats, who were highly respected by her. A sort of tail "Lady Mafia" in black, with a revolver behind the belt, which does not fight, but in case of shooting, without blinking the eye.



In the winter, it is difficult to live in the village, all the holidaymakers are displaced, only a small number of locals remain. Among them was my father, to whom Chernuka occasionally appealed for material help. She did not ask, but calmly came, sat on the fence in front of the window and quietly looked with a heavy, unmoving look. One hour sitting, two hours sitting. Dad silently carried out the sauce. The cat came down from the fence and ate the sausage immediately, on the trail, and did not take it away, which was a demonstration of trust and gratitude.



So went the winter. I came to my dad, cleaned the paths, and the cat was sitting on the roof, black and unmoving, and watched my actions. On attempting to touch her hand, she just walked away and from there again shone with huge green eyes. Horrific spectacle - in the shadow of the swallow at night, a black cat is not visible, only two round eyes are demonically illuminated.



The following summer, the cat broke out. She sat on the doorstep for an hour, and then crashed into the doorstep and sat on it, not entering the house. The kids arrived, and the cat was noticeably healed by their efforts. She became soft, elastic and loose, and spent half the day on our site. And then he began to crash, to crash, into the house, and in the hands was still not given. They were expelled with the help of a venice. She thought it was her home, and we were just the occupants who were obliged to feed her.



She loved her dad, but she didn’t let her go. My mother was in a quiet war. The morning. We only changed clothes in the evening. On the bed got a black washing cat and furiously itches, and out of it like sparks from Bengal fire, black spots fleas fly out, and "spring" on a white plate. A magical wreath is coming, otherwise no.



The war ended in autumn with the victory of the cat and the children, without which they categorically refused to return. When I imagined that this monster would live in an apartment under the same roof with us, I became uncomfortable and I said, “either I or the cat.” I chose a cat.



And here is this elderly (she was, in my opinion, ten years old) bandit at our house. The feeling of her presence is as if you live with a guy who has recently "pulled away" from the zone. Do not believe, do not fear, do not ask. To starve itself does not give, does not bite, but cleverly escapes in a millimeter from the hand. He does not bite or scratch, but sometimes looks so that it becomes scary. She does not ask for food, no matter how hungry she is, but she sits on the sidewalk and waits silently. And he looks. The green lights.



(Don’t believe) All cats, when eating or rolling around a bowl, pull out their tail, thus showing that it’s their territory. She ate, pressing her tail and sitting on it. It is never (never!) He did not allow the tail to lie carelessly, always carefully picking it under him.



(Do not ask) Realizing that in silence food will have to wait for a long time, she began to steal socks and change them for food. You wake up in the morning and have no socks. You go to the dish, you call the Blackwoman - and she goes with a socks in her teeth, and with a socks not bitten, not saliva and not pierced. What she takes, so she gives.



(Don’t be afraid) Knowing what the street is, she didn’t just go out the door of the apartment, but even to the balcony. The attempt of the children to take her out for a walk ended in the fact that the cat stuck in the doorstep and did not let it go until the door was closed. And once we opened the door at the same time with the neighbors who were taking their dog-taxi out for a walk. Hearing harmful sounds from the room near the home door, the cat jumped out, sat on the threshold and said something to the dog in his tongue. She didn’t get stuck, didn’t get out of the threshold, didn’t squeeze, and didn’t squeeze, but just blinked for a short time, and the dog was enough. Taxa rushed home with a whistle, scratching her nails and bumping on the laminate, and stuck under the refrigerator. I didn’t know that the taxes were flat and could climb into narrow gaps from which it was impossible to get out. It turned out that they could, and the owners then long mocked our bandit and their tax.



And then the cat mastered, began to allow itself to glide (but it didn't go on the fingers), and engaged in raising children. She strictly controlled the scattered things, watched them fall asleep and woke them up to school. From a retireed criminal, the cat turned into a kind of Freken Bock, who runs the household, breathing and insulting. Even to the country began to drive in a transfer and led the farm there, not a step without leaving the house (it is in the country!)



After a few years, she was quite old, her eyelids fell out and she had hair on her head and back. She died in the country, in the summer, from old age, and we all cried because we were very attached to the black bandit.

And the parliament of Chechnya, at times, does not want to submit to the Duma a bill, according to which in that case, if a Chechen man wins a medal there for some morbidity, then his nationality, name / surname and his hometown are not named, but simply say: "Russian morbid"?

I currently work in Jakarta. I live on the 25th floor, this morning I eat in the elevator down, on the 18th floor there are two Chinese or Singaporeans (we live in the Chinese area) aged 8-10. Looking at me for a long time in complete shock, because here the European is not such a common phenomenon, so the fingers are shown, and even asked to shoot, I have become accustomed, but these two guys were completely stunned and scanned from foot to head with a penetrating look. Then the older man said to himself, “Where are you from?” I answered Russia. The boy hanged for a couple of seconds, remembering something and then shouted: Suka blyat!

We used to think that there were members in the Duma.
But now we are becoming increasingly aware that they are her members.

A friend in her adolescence was resting at her grandmother's house, running with her company every day to swim on the river past a long-abandoned, semi-destructed church. It is the mid-1980s somewhere. And one day they return late in the evening - and the temple was seen from a distance, the whole lighted, brightly burning windows and holes in the walls. They entered, there were hundreds of candles burning, and no one around. Who put it and why - unknown, around the deaf. The next night this little miracle did not repeat, forgotten for years.

When the girl grew up, she enrolled in the MSU filfac because of her love for literature, but found there full abomination - tobacco smoking and cannabis, alcoholism and disorderly sexual relationships. It was the beginning of the 90s. The shocked first-time student gave her certificates, and where else in Russia besides the Moscow University you can get a high-quality philological education without the temptation to fall asleep, shrink, crumble, mad and pick up bouquets.

At that time, the center of the collection of the surviving Forces of Good, including quite atheistic, became the Moscow Orthodox Academy. This is where the first student moved after the first semester. I was thrilled by these people - what teachers, what students. She has a best friend. They talked about miracles. My girlfriend remembered:
I had only one miracle in my life, and it was perfectly explainable without any divine intervention. At 10 I got a cold, something like rheumatism began. No matter how much I went to the doctors, nothing helped. Someone advised the grandfather's parents, he put the bites of bees, and they seemed to be healed. I was taken to him for a week. I was forbidden to swim in the woods. Among the children there were only the holidaymakers of Moscow - naughty, noisy, I avoided them. I loved walking by the temple on the shore. I prayed for it to be finally healed. I regretted this temple – it stood empty and dark. And then one day, as if a voice in me sounded out, “You’re sorry that the temple is dark?” Take it and light up!

In fact, the grandfather had so many candles that he did not know where to put them. Grandfather, according to his law, lived - exhausted honey, sprinkled candles, let somebody please. I asked, I gave injection. She went to the temple, dismantled and set fire to everything. The fire was not afraid - everything that could have burned there has long been burned. But it burned so much that it became scary. She returned to Paseka, when it was already dark, looked around from a distance - and the temple was shining, seen from a distance, beautifully so. This is all my miracle - that the candle itself lit, and that the sick has not returned since then. Most likely, it was just a coincidence, and he cured his grandfather with his bees.

The girlfriend looked at her astonished. Finally she said:
Sandy, early August 1984, the day of the prophet Elijah?
... well yes. How do you know?! to

From the Women’s Forum:
Girls, tell me, or I am so worried! I am eight months old and I need to remove my tooth. Will it not affect the baby, will it not be born ugly, can something happen to the face? Has anyone removed a tooth during pregnancy? I am in panic!
From the comments:
My friend removed a tooth during pregnancy, so the baby was born without teeth.

I once lived to adults very years completely without seizures, and heard about them only from my grandmother, who forbade me to swim the river, because "he will swim my foot with seizures and you will sink." For me it was a meaningless set of words, what does “convulsive” mean, what does it mean? I was swimming and crossing the river.



I also broke my hour. Once I tightened the jeans in the sample, then the skinny in облипон was fashionable, and so I had to put my voluminous bodies in them with effort. I drag my foot into that wow-out shirt... And then all the knife up to the butt turned so that it darkened in my eyes. I sit like this on a sample puffy, squeezed by pain, I breathe so slightly, and I think, "I die, ashamed, in cowards with goats and socks, on which the skeletons have tried the whole kamasutra, well, I will entertain the pathologists."

Age is not when all your plans fail, but when you stop building new ones.

Having appeared for a massage in a beauty salon near the house, he was informed that an additional fee was set for men in the amount of 200 rubles for any type of massage. To say that I was surprised, it would not be quite true - I shrugged. Not in the sum of the matter, compared to the cost of the massage it is funny. The fact of this collection.
What is this gender discrimination? I took a massage in the most exotic corners of the planet, the price for both sexes is the same everywhere. And wild at all. You will come next time - and you will have an additional collection on red. Or in the skull. What is the logic of collecting on men during massage? You’re going to cut us off without a price, hopefully?
The administrator was sorry to watch, apparently I was not the first to ask her these questions. I decided to do some shit:
- You understand, men are generally larger, the work of a massage worker requires more...
I am amused.
So you and the fat babies take this collection. They will live for weight loss, they will only benefit. And for the stimulus just weigh before the massage, with a fixed price - 1 kilogram of the client 50 rubles, for example. Or collect for every extra centimeter of waist. You will not recognize your baobabs in a month!
The administrator breathed.
You are all chickens, and I am sad. Our massager has changed, this collection is a categorical requirement for a new one. Otherwise, she will be fired, and she has full orders. For our company it is out of competition. Yes, you try, the men to her walt stump.
Forced erotic massage for 200 rubles. Can I get a regular massage, and without collecting?
There is no erotic there. Rather, it’s a curse of nature. I warn - the girl is decent, no intimate affection does not suit and does not accept. And in general, she is a great massage worker, and the men just bustled her. So I set my tax. I am in shock, but I understand her purely female.

Interested I went. Because of the natural political correctness, in a sign of respect for the legislation of the Russian Federation and to avoid political clashes in the discussion, I will categorically silence the nationality of the massager. But her bust! In this story it is impossible to keep him silent. Like two mature melons pulled out of the coat. Whatever the savage struck with a quite decent massage, periodically something cheerful, warm and elastic fell on me or shuffled on the touch. Unforgettable impressions. Soon it will go up to 500.

It is time to remember one simple truth: if you are called from a bank, you are not called from a bank!

A cat who loves the owner benefits more than a dozen therapists.

“Is it a laundry room?” (The old joke)
One of my friends, say Kolya, in the year of the 97s sold from Moscow to Buryatia a jet for an airplane sprayer. The Aviation Division of Forest Protection under the Ministry of Forestry of the Buryat ASRF paid the foreclosure for non-cash payment. The detail entered the standard package box, decided to relentlessly send it with the conductor of the train Moscow - Ulan Ude. On Friday after lunch, Kohl took the box to the station, paid the driver... and forgot to call the recipient to name the number of the car! The same Friday.
On Monday, he "remembered everything" and moved to work by seven in the morning: the difference of five time zones, there is already noon, and the train arrives at 6 p.m. at Ulan Ude time after three days of travel.
The law of wickedness interfered: a paper with the phone of the Buryat aviator disappeared, let’s call him Gabuev.
Please note, in the courtyard was the era of "before mobile phones".
Cole called the interurban reference. Reference did not know the number of the Aviation Division of Forest Protection, but gave the phone of the Ministry of Agriculture of the Buryat SSR. The call to the reference, then to Ulan Ude took a lot of time, Kolya was decently twisted: clocks tic-tak! When in Buryatia not from the first time took the phone, a friend from the move shoot out:
Do you know Gabi from the Air Force?
A man surprised at the end of the wire.
Give him the opportunity to meet the Moscow train at 6 p.m. The car is the name of the driver.
I am a minister, the man has not remembered yet.
Give the Secretary! I fell into Colin’s hysteria. Do something at least!
The minister turned out to be a normal uncle and began to clarify: the number of the train? Date of departure? I recorded everything.
Collie was released.

See also.
We have already degraded to the level at which after a dispute someone with Putin all seriously discuss whether they will now put someone or not.

Today I was driving around the city and watched this picture: a girl aged 15-16, passing through the passage, said something and wiped her tears, and a small homeless dog ran behind her.

How did the girl apologize to the dog for not being able to take her?

I slipped on the ice yesterday. The passing person so tried to help that I had to hold him by the hand and ask him not to panic! So I remembered the story.

He had an accident in Cambodia. In the hospital, I was struck and released home. I felt bad this morning and decided to go to the hospital again. It is literally a five minute walk to the hospital. I asked a man (he was the culprit of the accident) to go with me. On the way, I realized that I was very ill, so bad that I could not even warn about my condition. But I have a goal, I need to go to the hospital and I go. But as soon as I entered, I lost consciousness. I woke up and saw this picture: four medical workers. One makes me feel, and three calms the panicking guy!

I brought a couch today. I packed, I packed and I collected. A couple of clients are watching. At one point I had to move the couch. I asked for help from the strong half of the couple. They moved and a terrible smell of curtains floated through the room. Something happens.

I collect further. Customers also watch from the doorway. Almost at the end of the process by the edge of the ear, I hear the client’s girl pulling the air with her nose, breathing, and in half a voice so asking her young man, “Again he?“”

This shit comes out from the mole of that seranul, and it also fell on me.

Ordinary laziness saves a person from mistakes, sometimes tragic.

We had a railway transfer in a very crowded place in the city. There was a grandmother working on it, who dropped/raised the shlagbaum from the booth. Local people have noticed that very often the slugbaum hits cars that try to jump through at the last moment. Thus, the grandmother tried the riders until at one moment she dropped the shlagbaum on the car of the local head of GAI. And when he jumped out of the car, she again dropped the shlagbaum, but already hit the sufferer’s head.

Interestingly, how much would Kisa Vorobyaninov collect these days with the phrase "Give to the former member of the State Duma"?

My wife worked as a secretary in the House of Culture. A 13-14 year old girl fell in love with her. He wrote to her on social networks, wore chocolates, composed poems. It all seemed innocent, at first even fun. Then (three years later) it began to strain. The wife rejected, said, "you, he is still a child, you can't break his child's heart, he will cool." Now she is his wife.



YYY: Well, Honey, now you have to take his mom from his daddy...