February A call from Mr. Utah. Permanent customer calls Sergey Anatolyevich.

Halo to Tim! Are there electrical tool brushes for Bosch-600par?
She is sergeant! No to!
Can you bring it on order? The article “No; %:?* “?
I will look!

The next day I call in Utah.

There is no Bosch anywhere. This product is removed from production! Can I bring Nana?
It is Tim-Nada! Machines are in themselves. The customer is asking for Bosch! Until the order is placed.

Furthermore, Sergey of Uchty just fell out of my life for half a year.

and September. A call from the ear.

Hello to Tim! Serena is worried. Order is there.
Are you anatomical? Where did he disappear?
Bishops, let’s go and look!
have found?
Produced at the factory on order. The box! A thousand things!
Do you hear that Sereg-a-naffix them so many brushes of Bosch?

Sergey’s voice trembled, the non-normative vocabulary jumped (to the topic) and a very evil voice said: “I also asked them about this! They said that a little of these BOSS brushes on the swaddle will be tossed, and in Makita will be put in!!“!”

"They say that Korolev had a tradition: he always urinated on a rocket before launching.
Can we go back to that tradition and then everything will be fine again?
- To urinate is not a problem, but where to get the King?

National idea – to live and not to wash

Oligarch Viktor Vekselberg complained that because of the sanctions can not come to his family in New York.

Now told a colleague. He goes to work in a full route, a man stands up to give up his place. At this moment, a girl enters the stop and hopes to this place without a back-thinking. A confused colleague says to the man:

Better you sit down.

The man thought and said:

You know, I’m not interested in your words now, I’m going to court!

XXX: My name is Sasha. As it turned out in Spanish there is no sound of Sh. In Cuba, the owner of the apartment in which we lived called me Sacha.

And I immediately said that I could be called Alejandro)) But she liked speaking Sacha more.

Yyy: Alejandro should be deserved, Sacha))

I was called from the town hall.

The plaintiff painted. I have to meet him. You are in the woods, right? There and then. He will be the first deputy mayor.

I come - the complainant looks like an adequate person. He says I need to plant a tree here. To get to the stop, remove the drill to get home.

I say – no question – what the owner of the city forests will order – I will do. At least tomorrow. The owner of the forest is the city. I work on contract.

Deputy Mayor to the complainant:

What are you looking at me? We do not have a forest roller or loader in the municipality. We do not decide anything.

The applicant (grandfather of the 90s), thinking:

Why are you then at all? Why did they come here.

To consider your complaint.

I was not concerned about the complaint, but the decision.

Sam did not find anything to answer.

I was driving in a placard. At one of the stations, a woman in the years in the upper regiment opposite. A bit of the weather, she includes music on the phone. Some sectarian songs. Dreams under them and occasionally adds noise. Listen to this or. When I get it. I got tired I got up and saw: Aunt in the headphones, and the switch from the phone fell out. She doesn’t hear them, but we’re okay ?

Even going to take out a can of garbage, a woman should always be prepared that on the way she will be invited to a ship or ball.

Dog of Torpedo

The adulterous bet was made in the 40s of the 19th century between the Governor-General of the Novorossian Territory Vorontsov and his friend, the local landlord Toropov. These honorable gentlemen were invited to observe the indicative detention of smugglers at the customs. Upon completion of the procedure, Toropov skeptically stated that the smuggling at the Novorossian Customs was put out of hand badly, he would have done much better. Of course, I’t be caught. “Look, you are in vain,” the chief of customs murmured, “no scammer will pass by us.” “Do you want to bet? Suddenly the warriors resurrected. – I’ll bet a hundred thousand on the fact that it won’t be possible to smuggle the smuggling!” – Accepted – agreed Toropov. They conspired that tomorrow the landlord would appear at the customs with diamonds, ringlets and various jewelry for ten thousand rubles. If all this is not discovered during the inspection, he wins the dispute.

At noon the next day, the crew of Toropov arrived at the customs station. The landlord obediently went into the room for inspection, where he was separated and carefully touched his clothes and underwear. Nothing anywhere. Similarly, the cushion was inspected, the crew's cushion was ripped off - no results. Here the chief of the customs asked for permission to destroy the wheelchair, paying the owner its cost in case of failure. “Ruby!” smiled the Torop. Customs officers scattered the crew, but found nothing. Eventually, the dark chief of the customs raised his hands before the Governor General: “The inspection is over.”

“Where is your smuggling?” asked Vorontsov a smiling landlord. He whispered, and a white pudel ran to him. The dog came with the landlord and sat quietly at the wing all this time. Toropov carefully cut off the skin on her back, and it turned out that it was an ordinary brittany courtyard, on which the skillful “contrabandist” wrapped a ring, intersecting them with jewelry, and on top carefully covered it all with a piece of hairy fur. There was nothing left but to admit that Toropov won the bet.

In the evening comes the message, “Where are you, I have been waiting for you for 40 minutes, I am tired, you always say that you will come, I dress up and wait for you, and you have business and you do not come and cancel everything, why you are so with me.” I had to answer “you’ve got the wrong number, and by the way, send it to the damn mother” :) replied “thank you, I’ll do so :)”

I was 15, rested in the village with my grandmother, and the year was a mushroom, I love this matter, not that behind the berries, I can not tolerate sitting in one place in a bunch of mosquitoes. And here you walk, you walk, you puddle. Well, I went to the forest, the usual thing for me, without friends, who is on the seafood, who is in the garden, the rural life, it is, in general, all busy. And when the whole basket began to move in the direction of the road, a man came out to meet me, I was still surprised, no baskets, no wickets, no distinctive attributes, in that summer geologists came to us, well, and they went with whole backpacks of all kinds, and this was neither two nor a half. Well, somehow we with him say hello, a lot of mushrooms, I showed him the catch, he asked whom I came to, to talk to my grandmother *** on the street ***, and he himself was a kind of friend at a visit. And he looks unhealthy somehow, I look at him as a fool, about foxes and white, and he does not look at mushrooms. And let's go, he says, I'll show you where the podosinovici grow, I've seen their whole lawn here, and his own hands in his pockets are actively looking for something, well, I guessed at once what kind of podosinovici he will show me, but I am pretending, because there was a feeling that if he understood that his plan was understood to me, he would not be celebrated. I still chested him about what our berries are growing, and about the fact that I have no place to lay mushrooms, and fishing is noble, and last year the men of such a bear fell, because he was close to the village, and to the road closer. This one stood up in front of me, barring from the path to the road, no longer hesitating to stretch the belt, lightning on the pants, asking if you will show me what you have under the shirt, well, all kinds of assumptions there, how beautiful I am probably, and that I will like everything... and so on... and I side-sightedly see the company of hooligans along the road with the hoodies, but they are not close, and they do not see us. On an ordinary day I would not want to meet with them, those other frames, then the snake for us and our girlfriends in the palisadnik thrown, then the splashes will be swallowed, then on the river the pieces of our cross, and here directly mentally called at least one to our side to look. And luckily) They saw me, approached, the man looks at them, he thinks they walk past, and the guys, apparently understanding something wrong, too much I smile to them, and this man began to confuse, they say, "and go fishing with us," in general, they took me from there, one still pretended that my older brother is looking for me, whom I did not have when I was born, but I have a sister a year younger. On the road they told that the escaped ZK is being sought, and even the day later the rumors went that in the neighboring village the girl was attempted to rape or raped, the rumors are such... I because of the age and indiscriminacy of the adults I did not tell anything, and it was a shame to confess this... maybe they would have caught him earlier, so far the sense of guilt does not let go... And with one of the hooligans next summer we began to meet, after 5 years married, and lived not long and happily in places, but this is another story...

I live with my son (6 years old) and daughter (5 years old) in the store. A huge turn, the children are bored, the son begins to battle and stick to his sister. All her phrases are repeated and overwhelmed. The daughter is terribly angry about this and complains to me, “Aaa mom tell him...” The son laughs and repeats, “Aaa, I tell him.”

My son, stop it now!

My son, stop it now!

I: So why are you bothering her?

Son: Why are you bothering her?

I: Will you repeat after me?

Will you repeat after me?

I: Decarboxylation of sodium salts of carbonic acids!

Son of O_O

The game is over!

The whole line turned to us with the same expression of the face.)

My acquaintance lives abroad. Her name is Cyril. It turns out to be a very unusual and difficult to pronounce name. They do so, and Edgar. A case in a cafeteria where you take your order when your name is announced. Announced Killer and acquainted under complete silence in the hall goes on order.

The misunderstanding between authority and the people is rooted in the fact that for the people the name of a state office is a brief definition of the duties of the official, and for the authority is only a designation of the area of feeding.

Some Features of Service in the Soviet Army

“Time to throw stones, and time to gather stones.” (The Ecclesiast )

In the early 1970s, after graduating from the institute, my father received the rank of lieutenant, and was called to devote his two years to the Soviet Army as a commander of a tank squadron. Of course, not one of them was called, many of his fellow students were sent to the same military unit.

Fresh-cooked officers got their squads and began service. It should be mentioned,, that the division was squared, that is, the compound was on the schedule, but the ordinary and sergeant staff served little. A typical tank squadron consisted of three mechanics-drivers plus the squadron itself. This was quite enough, because most tanks were peacefully sleeping in storage in cocons. However, specifically my father was much less offended, because he had the only squadron deployed in the battalion.

But in general, the service of the two-year-olds promised to be if not a sinecure, then quite tolerable. Not any Timutarakan, but the respectable Kaliningrad region, the personnel are few, and most importantly, despite the modest rank, the salaries were 170 rubles (the Soviet state for the army in those years did not shrink). For the early 1970s, it was very even decent money, especially considering that yesterday’s students recently satisfied themselves with modest scholarships of 30-40 rubles. In addition, the income is four times higher.

Most importantly, spending the newly acquired wealth was nowhere. Food in the officer’s dining room “Ruch” cost little. There were, of course, some moderate spending, such as on a dormitory, sewing a parade shape, and other little things. Sometimes I went for a walk to Kaliningrad. And yet, after all the expenses, there was still a decent amount.

This circumstance almost immediately began to be used shamelessly by numerous personnel "fifty-year-old captains" and even paratroopers. This may have been a special case in their division, but most of these personalities were hardened alkas. Knowing this sad quality, their wives, on the day of receipt, met the narrowed at the gate of the part and immediately confiscated cash. Even if someone could hide the ass, it was missing for a long time. Three Topora, Agdam, Zosia Osipovna, Anna Pavlovna, and white were consumed in huge volumes. Although they are relatively inexpensive, they are not free.

And therefore, to shoot a ruble or two in the naive "jack" was a holy thing.
Do you pay a couple of rubles? Half ordered and half ordered.
– Victor Pavlovich, can I borrow a ruble? Tomorrow I will come back, asking for a flag with a loud voice.

Where to go? To be heard by the man and the man "without the sense of the elbow" did not want anyone. Plus the amount is funny. You will not refuse the help of a fellow servant, especially if you are in the regiment for a year without a week, and these personnel servants of Kirzachi to the ass. Information that a lieutenant could be intercepted for a drink was distributed across the battalion and regiment with the speed of sound.

The problem was not that they asked for debt, but that some tricks were surprisingly “forgotten” about the return. Of course, you can’t fool everyone, but many have sinned with this. And although some gave the borrowed, often 10-15 rubles (and in some two-year-olds and more) unnoticedly dissolved within a month between debtors.

It was uncomfortable to go back and demand the ruble, and even the three, was uncomfortable. Even if you remember, it sounds like a typical answer:
Sorry, I totally forgot it. turned with the service. Of course, I will bring it tomorrow afternoon.
But it was tomorrow, aftermorrow, a week, and a month, and the debt never increased. They replied to the reminder:
Oh yeah yes. How I remembered the old balbes for your three. Once you have finished, you can give two more rubles. I’ll get it in a week, I’ll give it five.

Five, most often, ordered a long life, and the debtor was looking for another responsive two-year-old. Some, the cleverest borrowers, gave away the debt, and a week later asked again, only the amount of a little more, and it was not repayed.

The lieutenants, after analyzing their expenses, were surprised to find that almost a monthly salary, or even more, had disappeared in the pockets of unprincipled debtors over the course of a year. Especially not cool, one green lieutenant, Gene Tan. He was the finest short, who even in his thin student years was ready to give off his last shirt. Raised in a traditional Korean family, where the veneration of the elderly is a sacred law for centuries, he could not even think of refusing to ask for the elderly by rank and age.

He was "loved" by the damaging batalion's chief, Captain Redko. Almost every month he borrowed from the poor lieutenant, and "forgot" to give. More precisely, he remembered this before another request, apologized, and, asked again, and vowed to return everything fully from the next receipt. Gene first naively believed, then gave with a violin, then promised to himself that it would be the last time. After a few months, Redko was owed a very solid sum, just over 100 rubles.

Finally, the patience was overwhelmed, and on the next request to borrow, Tan replied to the captain with a decisive refusal, and demanded the money back. He rarely denied the debt, but asked to wait, because he could not pay such a sum. Gene accepted this by her kindness. Since then, with the trick of the tanker, the captain has avoided the encounter with our hero. Then he has urgent affairs in the headquarters, then he is terribly busy in the warehouse, then he writes a report, then he is on vacation. If the meeting was not to be avoided at all, he apologized, promised to return again, and disappeared with a barrel.

Tan’s hopes of getting his money back melted every month. He shared his grief with former classmates, but how could they help? Just then he this sorrow to his father – as the informal leader of their call. In general, it often happens, seemingly all of the same age, rank and position, but still sooner or later there is a leader to whom everyone comes for advice and cry in a vest. Probably influenced by the fact that his father was a champion of the regiment in table tennis and chess. Plus, as a deployed squadron, he periodically performed the duties of a comrade (when he went on vacation).

My father tried to talk to Redko and he received an unexpectedly sharp response:
“What are you, Comrade Lieutenant, don’t get into your business. My relationship with Lieutenant Tan is my relationship with Lieutenant Tan. They do not touch you at all. are free.

The father shared the collector's failure with Genoa, and he generally stumbled and almost buried his chances of returning. What my father promised:
I will not leave this case so. I will not be me unless I find a method against this bastard. Just give time.

The opportunity turned in a couple of months. The fact is that the division was commanded by Margelov (the eldest son of the same famous Margelov). The unspoiled six wrapped up at the time and the comedian was about to get the next title and position. But before this, as is known, some had to visit all sorts of inspectors and inspectors. Of course, the whole division ran like an ambassador.

Everything that was broken seemed. What was moving, moved to the place. Everything was painted. Everything broken down. There was perfect order in the warehouses, in the barracks, in the park, in the armor, and even in the kitchen and dining room. Of course, the personal composition was especially troubled.

The squadrons of the division flew from regiment to regiment, from battalion to battalion, in order not to miss a single small thing. So it turned out that one day, while my father was appointed the head of the park, the headquarters of the division came there with a sudden check. A large bush led a grief, looked, smelled, but found no sins. The lieutenant was definitely not for nothing.

The pleased colonel thanked him kindly for his service, held his hand and asked how it should be:
Are there complaints and requests?
And then the father understood that this was a chance that may no longer be presented, and shook the great chief:
So exactly. Comrade the Colonel. There are some unconstitutional relationships.
If the father had said that the squadron was an American spy or an Israeli military stationed at the border, the headquarters would not have been so surprised.

The kindness flew in a moment. Unfortunate before a large inspection is filled. The sharp teeth of the Soviet machine can melt at least a hundred colonels, they will not fade. He cried out, he cried out:
Report to.
The Communist, Captain Redko, borrowed from Lieutenant Tenn, a candidate for members of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, the Command of the third company of the second battalion, more than 100 rubles and did not pay for more than six months, despite repeated requests and reminders. This creates a very unhealthy and tense working environment. I would even say that Captain Redko discredits the high rank of an officer of the Soviet Army. Moreover, he is an example of an unworthy communist. I hope you can consider this issue.
Is that all? The Colonel stumbled.
So exactly. My father answered.
Thanks for reporting. I will personally do this.

The next evening, a joyful Ginkgo came to my father’s eyes.
“Listen, you won’t believe it, but this afternoon a smiled Redko came to me and gave me a debt. I gave it back to the penny. I apologized, I barely shrugged my tail. Do you know how it happened?
I have no idea. My father smiled. Probably his conscience spoke.

The story immediately spread across the regiment. This is what my father decided to use to turn a tactical victory into a strategic. From now on, as soon as he was asked to borrow a couple or three rubles, he took out of his wallet a specially deferred twenty-five rubles.
Please always please. Sorry, there is no small money. Take twenty five. We will both forget about the third, and we will remember about the fourth. He spoke meaningfully.
Yes well. Another fifteen year old captain. I just need a couple of rubles.
As you know, my father replied. If you want, take a quarter. I trust you.
and thanks. I will interrupt somehow. He was looking for easy money.

The method began to work impeccably. No one decided to borrow such a large amount. He shared the decision with the other two-year-olds, and after a month no one asked them for a debt.

It went well, and the feeling of the elbow showed, and the money was not lost. As the saying goes, “the wolves are full and the sheep are whole.”

He sleeps with his phone, eats with his phone, goes to the toilet with his phone. And when you call, he doesn’t call, he doesn’t hear.

I go to the office with my colleagues, the choir:

Congratulations on Username!

I quickly pick up all the holidays to which I can be associated - Day (hereinafter on the list) of Birth, Communications, ITshnik, Air Force, Tourism, Translator, Defender of the Fatherland, Father, Beautiful, Police - all, fucking not on this day.

With what celebration?

Well we read, today Uraza-bayram!

-...ammmmm, girls, I am an atheist, but thank you for reminding me, I will go to my grandmother to congratulate her, she will be pleased.

My colleagues disappeared:

Why don’t you bring me food?

Oh, what kind of food?

We read that this day is the day of the Muslims.

In general, the amethyst is not an amethyst, but after the cake went))))

Among the drowners most are not those who swim badly, but those who consider themselves good swimmers.

Happy Children’s Day! They are growing so fast.)

When the neighbor’s Nastia was left with us for the first time, I didn’t know she was being raised by my grandmother. She looked like an ordinary girl.
Both of her parents were artists and with the only child did not shudder, friendly to give it to the grandmother. They rented their apartment, and they drove through the countries of Asia, where they walked on the beaches and painted strange Vedic landscapes with temples and jungles.
Entering then to us, Nastya quietly looked at me with her blue eyes and, shaking her head, changed my shoes, which stood in disorder, with socks to each other.
“Good people do so,” she explained patiently, like a little boy, to my astonished look, “so that the head doesn’t hurt.
My wife was about to go shopping that day, leaving me to sit with the girls until evening.
“Let them play first,” she instructed me in detail, “then bring them to the yard to walk for a clock, and then feed them. Tired of sleeping.
I confess, I was overwhelmed. Spending the whole day looking at two children at once meant just Egyptian work for me, but there was nowhere to go.

Our Dasha, who played with her presented the day before "babyborn", the guests were not very pleased. Mudded by the bitter experience of kindergarten clashes because of toys, she looked suspiciously to her side, staying vigilant. That the stranger would immediately claim to her new treasure did not cause her any doubts.
Natalia acted completely differently. Quietly sitting down and quietly watching the daughter for ten minutes, she unheardly approached her from behind:
“Blue, you are mine,” she gently wept, graciously wrapping her by her shoulders, “let me play... and you, here’s the cake,” she unfolded the bag brought with her.
The daughter, preparing to protect her property until the last drop of blood, from surprise and reluctantly allowed the guest to take the "babyborn" to her hands. Moreover, having not eaten any home cooking, she obediently chewed the cabbage cake, watching her babysitter cut her nails and put them to sleep.
"Babyborn" before sleep capricious and even cried, which Nastya reasonably noticed:
More crying, less sickness.
As soon as the doll, according to their general opinion, fell asleep, I put them a disc with TV flashes, which liked our guests.
“Pure angels,” she splashed out of hand washing, not forgetting to feed her daughter with another cake:
“Eat, eat, you are as pale as a spirochete.

Then, when the cakes and cakes were finished, we started to go for a walk. And gathering the children and did not have to, Nastya did well with this without me. After wearing ourselves and Dasha, she said "with God" and we went to the yard. There, she also easily took control of the entire playground, leaving me and the other parents no chance to take care of the children.
– Boy, ma-a-alchiki, what are you wearing like a haircut? The case came from the sandbox. What said? I will feed the sand! Don’t scream, girls, the police are coming! Come down from the tree, cowboy!
The girls were expected to gather near the new "babyborn", but Nastya resolutely dispersed all the daughter's yard friends.
“We’ve seen such,” she stated categorically to her, “girlfriends... just give them what... Grandmothers also have such ones, so far the banks don’t return...

At lunch, convincing her daughter that if she doesn’t eat, the grain will run after her, she somehow magically forced her to craft two full plates of unloved manka. What I used to convince to eat at least a spoonful was also quite surprised.
In general, when we returned to the evening, the wife found us in complete harmony. I was not tired of the children, I was engaged in some of my own business, and the girls were friendly with the old socks on the lamp I had taken.
When the wife brought Nastia home, the daughter even allowed her to take a nighting "babyborn" with her, and she left pleased:
“Thank you, dear people, my grandmother and I honor him, we summarize,” she bowed down, looked at us at the door and reiterated with feeling:
What good people!