I worked with a colleague (retirement age). He spent his childhood in places where peanuts were grown.

We asked him once:

-Victor Palych, here you all childhood grew up on the "barrel", tell me how to choose a garlic

-Now guys.. (everyone was silent, listened, remember the tail not the tail, the net, the boy / girl). You go past watermelons, take care of yourself, then “smell” it, break it, try it. If it is delicious, you eat; if not, you take another. There are no more secrets.

Today is my birthday. I decided to run to the sister of the deceased grandfather, to note, or not look at it for a long time - not good. She ran to the sushi so that the aunt did not bother herself cooking, she is 80, blind, and this time - and lunch is unusual (she likes sushi). I make an order and here I see - a birthday gift to order rolls to choose. Oh that wonderful!

I: Oh, and I have a birthday!

Can I get a passport?

I’m in my bag and I know I forgot it. Give it up!

- Guess, I say, there is no passport, but there is an idea.

I go to the office and show the cashier a tab with messages, where in a series of more than 50 greetings from different people.

- Okay, counted, - laughs the cashier, - choose the rolls!

Thanks to this lovely girl for understanding.

The colleagues shared.

The law firm is engaged in bankruptcy, liquidation mainly.

The arbitration manager instructs an employee (let us call her Galey) to send documents to the tax office of the city of N, for which he issues 500 rubles for postal expenses. The task is completed, receipts, the inventory of the investment are tailored to the case.



A few days later a call:

Is the arbitrator like that?

and yes.

- You are concerned by the inspector of the federal tax service of the city N. We have received your letter with the inventory of the investment. I have a question about the documents you submitted.

Ask to ask.

For what purpose did you give us 500 rubles?



The operator turns the phone to the side:

A-A-A-A-A-A-A-I-I-I-I-I-I-I

Someone has a food basket and someone has a budget basket.

The driver was Anton Pavlovich Chekhov. Currently in retirement. He is stopped somehow by a haishnik, takes documents, reads: Chekhov Anton Pavlovich.
“It is a pity,” he said, “that you are not Anatoly. It would be like a classic!

Where does the State Department get the money to fund Navalny?
Yes, from the taxes that our Russian officials pay for real estate abroad!

He went out for lunch to walk around the street and witnessed the painting.

A healthy dog, a shepherd, runs through the street, carefully smelling everything, as if looking for a place. And does nothing more.

And after him, a guy stretches on the lead and in the autumn the dog intelligently reports:

You are a simulator. I always said you are a simulator.

I went to my mom for a few days. Go to the store.

I take 2 liters of milk.

M is my mother.

I am her son.

M - Take another, it was done three days ago.

I - He's deadline is not yet over, I'll have time to drink.

M – But it’s more fresh.

I - Mom, well, if everyone will only take fresh, then the three-day will stay on the shelf, then it will be written off, the cost will increase the price. In the end, we will pay more.

My mother thought and kept silent for a few minutes. Then found it.

M is fresh. Old men will find out, they never look at the deadline!



Men seem to be guarding the country’s economy, even when they don’t know about it!

I was 5 years old and I swear something in my mom’s store.  My mom didn’t buy me that. There was no opportunity. I continued to knit. My mother told me where the money came from. That if I want something so much, I have to get up at 5 in the morning and go to work, to the barracks. When you work, you get paid for it, and you buy everything you want. After this conversation, we left the store and came home. I was calm. My mom forgot about our conversation. Tonight she put me to sleep. In the morning, I realized I woke up with her. at 5 in the morning. I was going to work. For the first time in my life. My mom took me with me. Oh, I don't remember if I sold something there, but at the end of the day I was paid. My first p. The same day, in the bar, I bought myself a toy. Red is a green mammoth. I called him Eugene. So I learned the lesson. And so I spent the entire salary in the first 10 minutes after I was given it.) Eugene is still "alive", and as a reminder of my first day at work, is carefully kept at home with his parents.

I call a friend, and then this dialogue:

- Hi, we are here with friends going to the country, join (with your wife) with us. There is a lake nearby, we will swim, sunbath, have fun, of course, a shale, and we also take... (a list of tastes and a bullish component).

- I would be happy, but I am now under... (one of the resort towns of Krasnodar region).

You guys, I am jealous. Probably you are in the sea.

"I'm not in this city, but underneath it, and 50 km from here to the sea, especially not to ride.

Even if you enjoy the sun and fruits, it’s also great.

It’s like flying out of a cage, you don’t walk here. We are guests with relatives, so we sit and talk.

It’s nice to finally see my mother, I haven’t seen her for a long time, I’m glad to see her.

My wife’s wife lives here. I haven’t seen my aunt for a long time.

In general, judging by his voice, encouraging me is not very good.

In the spring and summer in the rural school for practice considered: planting and watering vegetables in the school garden, painting the building, cleaning and small repairs.

The children ate vegetables in the dining room.

They were like thieves eating school vegetables.

Then the cucumbers will disappear, then tomatoes, then strawberries.

Children are offended, they spend the holidays, try and get it all not understand who.

They tried to guard, no thieves were seen.

The guard said it was quiet all the time.

In a strict secret - the schoolchildren got a laxative and one evening unnoticedly wrapped a portion of vegetables on each bed.

The next day the guard and the director did not go to work.

On the wave of posts about those who waste on vacation. This is happening in Anapa. I go past a shop type "pivnucha - rozvnucha", near the entrance stands a typical resting blush toples, shorts, jerseys, red shoulders and fistakes. Remarkable cleaning in the hand. And next to it a small pig bite the seeds and spit on the ground. The resting man sees this ugliness, gives him a necklace and says, “You can’t, I said, you don’t care. Spit in your hand.” Here, and you are talking! There is more culture!

I go home after hard work. Transfer in the subway, the train arrives, I get into the wagon, the doors start to close. And suddenly, at the last moment, a girl jumps. I look and I can’t believe my eyes. This is my ex. Well, not directly the former-ex, there were just some short and unclear relationships, then themselves and collapsed. I was thrown out a barrel of complaints, said, I do not meet high standards, and I quoted the classic, in the spirit that your expectations are your problems. They separated like ships in the sea. This is such a meeting!

Well, whoever remembers the old, the eye out. We talked, I missed my stop, arrived at her station, called to go. On the road, suddenly a bar. We went, of course, to drink a shock. Then on the long, then led her home, offered to get up, I did not refuse, home, respectively, did not go. They drank all night and shake the old man. In the morning, when I was already calmed down and thought to sleep, I was put outside, saying, Mom soon from the night will come back, you need to be here.

I stand, almost sober, sleepy until dawn, at the hours without fifteen six, at nine for work. It was good to go in the shower. I understand that if I go home, it will be stupid; an hour home, 40 minutes home and it is time to go to work. I decide not to move around here, to rush into the office right away. We have there, opposite the office of the gentrior, a great couch stands, I have keys, a clock, or even one and a half, to sleep. Said is done. I came to the office, picked up somewhere, wrapped up in it, lay down and turned off. Only the thought turned - it is a pity that sleeping so little, I will not spit out...

And here I sleep desperately, I dream strange dreams. And right in the dream comes the realization that somehow suspiciously long I sleep. I open my eyes, all so excited and relaxed. At 12 o’clock, around, with echoes, colleagues sneeze, and I am lying without pants in the middle of the office, covered with a pledge.

I jump up, dress up, climb up to our office manager, saying what is happening. Ta replies that when she came, I calmly snorted not on the couch, but the gentleman was sitting in his office and snorted on everyone so that they didn’t noise and let me sleep. I then worked as a sysadmin, everyone thought that I was working again at night, I did important things for the company, and the gender protects me.

The word “confusion” only very approximately describes my state at the time. With mixed feelings, I touched the gender. He smiles like his father, pouches me a piece of some fashionable cognac, tells me that when he came and saw me, he immediately remembered his youth. But if he repeats again, he will be fired, even without waking up. Gold was human.

As we look from the broken window into Europe, China has already laid the Great Silk Road under this window.

A short story about another example of our country’s love for its citizens.

Everyone remembers when they just raised the benefits for children up to 3 years of age from 50 rubles to 10,000. And all of them, shit, at least something good has been seen from them.
But there is a nuance that hasn’t been mentioned anywhere. These benefits are fully at the expense of the employer. That is, not just nothing good from the beloved state, but also an additional incentive not to take or dismiss young mothers, because whoever will want to pay 10,000 from their pocket each month, considering all the other beautiful taxes and fees, without which the child pays some official, who lacks on bentley and cocaine.
Such cases

Why did you do plastic surgery?
The Constitution states: “The same person is not entitled to hold the office of President more than two times.”

Because of the transfer, I was late on the bus. Then I was still running fast, and I caught him already at the crossroads. I knocked on the door and, strangely enough, the driver opened it. I joyfully jumped into the bus. The driver, apparently in a stupor as I got here, asked - Where did you come from? Where did you come from? I, being in confusion what he wants from me, and the truth was long to explain, answered with the preparation that I often had to use in those days - I'm from Russia - I am from Russia. This conversation was enough for us both, and the journey continued.

This case occurred last year. Approximately at the beginning of eight o’clock in the morning one of the arrivals did not bother anyone to withdraw money from the ATM near the food supermarket, as it turned out with the further purpose of fainting. Not far from him was surrounded by a bunch of minors, most likely blinds, aged approximately 12-14 years. In the future, the schoolgirl began to provoke a 40-year-old man, screaming at him in the back, pushing and immediately running away to a safe distance. This ended in the end by the fact that the especially brave little man ran and struck the man in the blade with a knife. I bite blood. From the neighboring room of slot machines escaped a couple of guys, who at the time of the incident went out to smoke and noticed this action. Having received a couple of father's laughing bravery of this small gang has disappeared. And while waiting for the police order, the man driping blood on the tile went to the store, bought himself a liter of strong beer and ran home as if this incident concerned him least of all. A few days later there were rumors that the victim had stretched his legs. Began to build versions of grandmothers from the bench, say drunk was that and the pain did not feel here and died of peritonitis. Or maybe the poor man suffered for a couple of days, because he lived in an apartment and no one could ask for help. Or maybe he called an ambulance to die on a hospital bed. Overall, three months have passed, for the deceased everyone has long been forgotten, and here... I meet the deceased in the same food with the same liter of strong. The man approached himself and asked:

Did you call the police when I was shot with a knife? Thank you very much!

“No, but I was near when it happened...and you seemed like you were dead?

I know, the neighbors said.

I remember today the case from my childhood, I was 7-8 years old, (now 25) I go past the store and look on the ground a sugar garlic dissolved, probably someone broke the package and the sugar fell asleep, I don't know what pushed me, I, some herra began to collect this sugar in a package to take home, I still can't understand why I started to collect this sugar, we lived not poor and there are no Jewish roots, (I have nothing against the Jews) in short I collect this sugar and here is suitable

He: That he broke up? (I don’t remember exactly what this style is.)

Yes, the package is broken.

- He: on the half (extends me 50 rubles) leave the sugar it is dirty probably,

And he leaves.

I, of course, thank you for the joys, thank you, I go to the store and crazy why I buy sugar sucaia, well though the delivery remains.

But the story is not about sugar, but about this man, he probably thought that I would be mocked at home, said his arms from his ass grow and decided to pay for sugar, a stranger, let him be healthy!



Why did you buy sugar? ? to ? to

One day, my colleague was going to the store for a break and I asked him to buy me a cigarette. He has never smoked, and he doesn’t even know what these packs look like. He asked me to drop him a photo of the cigarettes I needed, and I sent him a random picture of a Google package with a picture of periodontitis. Almost half an hour has passed, and colleagues are not there, although the nearest store is in a neighboring building from our office.

After another 10 minutes, he finally comes back and says to me, “Listen, there was no periodontitis anywhere! This is a painful death. Will it go?”

At first I thought he was joking, and we both laughed. Later it turned out that he was serious.