The Defender.

There was a barbecue barbecue here (this is what Americans call our barbecues), one guest told me. They changed the parquet on the first floor (her husband was an anesthesiologist, so the house, it must be understood, is not small), the furniture was cleaned up in the basement, now it had to be dragged back. He further tells:

- Two muvers (loaders) arrived, both black beauties under two meters, in t-shirts without sleeves, biceps like on the cover of a bodybuilder magazine. One tried to touch my chest, so Rex gave him that biceps. Not just to meat, but almost to bone. Oh, how he spoke! Then he says, pay, hostess, a thousand backs, or I will call the animal control to get him to sleep. I, I say, then the first I call the police and complain about the stumbling, you see the camera? She writes everything. In fact, we did not turn on the camera for a hundred years, hanged when the son and babysitter were left, and he was a high school student for a year. Here he stuck, as the sweet dragged all the furniture and even washed off the blood from the parquet.

What kind of Rex? Another guest asks.
and Taxi.
The Taxi? How did he jump?
Where should he jump? He is hard to walk, his back legs are dragging on the ground. He is 14 years old already.
And then how?
- Yes, I took it on my hands so that these muffins didn't come on.

I give the word to the officer of the Roosevelt. What are you accusing the accused of?
“Mr. Judge, this girl looked hard at me and I fell.

XXX: How are you doing?

XXX: I wanted to ask you.

We need an employee who is a programmer, but not very smart.

XXX: If anyone has

YYY: Hmm, are there other requirements for the programmer?

When we just arrived in Germany, my sister and I needed to find new schools as soon as possible. The school year had to start in a few days, so the matter had to be resolved urgently. The problem was that the sister just finished the first class of Russian school and only knew a few words in German at the time. Such children are usually sent to a language course where they learn the language along with a bunch of immigrants. However, we lived in a small village where there were no such courses. However, the nearest primary school was located in the neighboring village larger, where children from all the surroundings came together. A few hundred students studied there. We went there.



The secretary immediately sent us to the director, promising that he would decide everything. However, when I saw him, I had some doubts about the choice of school. At the director's table was a man of thirty-five years in a semi-pancake. On the partially shaved head wore blue-green hairs. His mother also looked at him somewhat strangely, but the German father was not upset.



The director greeted everyone, shaking his hand. Even my little sister, who looked at him, opened her mouth. We are not that we never saw such people in Russia, but somehow in the director’s office we did not expect to see them. In ten minutes from the moment of the acquaintance, the uncle developed a tumultuous activity: called a couple of teachers into the office, called the education department, the school with language courses and elsewhere. At the same time, he offered us coffee, candy and asked how we were in Germany. Here is an honest word, its somewhat unusual appearance ceased to occupy us almost immediately, it was visible that the man was in his place.



There were two options: send your sister where she knows to learn the language, or try to teach her with German children at this school. The teacher and the director insisted on the second option. The classes here are small, rural children are very friendly and teachers are ready to help with all their efforts. In the end, my sister stayed with them, and we did not regret it.



She was very well received by her classmates, she immediately entered the school life. I still don’t quite understand how she handled it, explaining mostly gestures. However, the teachers praised her and said that she was making successes and understood everything perfectly. After classes, she came home on a school bus, did lessons and immediately ran with new girlfriends to explore the area. By the way, don’t believe that in these of your Europe children are only in the dude. We forged the sister out of the most unexpected places, from the cowhouse to the illegal shalash in the woods they built themselves. A month later, my sister began to talk. Before the autumn holidays, they had a school holiday, where the children organized a small concert with songs and scenes. The sister took an active part and sparked stormy applause.



Unfortunately, we lived in that village for another six months and moved. By that time, the child already spoke German quite easily, so that in the new school there was no question of a language course. Unfortunately, the new school was not so welcoming and cozy, the sister began conflicts with classmates and she no longer ran so happy to classes. All the teachers looked like they were.



I eventually linked my life to school and over the years I looked at a wide variety of teachers: rockers, glamorous bodies, Muslim women in shirts, noble grandmothers in cuddles of drunk cats and ready in full combat clothes. And I assure you that the teacher’s appearance speaks only about his taste, but not about his teacher’s talents.

I took the smartphone from my 12-year-old son. He noted:

I’m going to be without my phone all night.

“Well, as usual, when I was 12, no smartphones existed at all, and nothing survived somehow.

"Daddy, you will sometimes say that, you may think you were born under Brezhnev. and laughing.

I was actually born in 1980.

I took my daughter to kindergarten yesterday. For a month, I went to my grandmother’s village.

I come in the evening to pick up, the teacher "pleased" : "Your daughter fought with Nikita, she hit him first"

Okay, let’s get along. I contacted Nikitos' parents, we communicate well with them, they say everything is okay, we will figure out.

It remains to be solved.

I ask, “Fighting for what?”

It is silent. He will be resolved, but he is silent.

I’ll find out tonight. I did not interrogate.

I go to bed tonight, I confessed.

He says:

“I fought with Nikita because he called you an elephant.

and? ? to ? to ? to ? to ! to

“Father, your ears are like those of an elephant, crushed from below. Nikita noticed it. I asked Nikita as a friend not to get annoyed, and he was “Papa-Elf!” I scream at the whole group.

She fell asleep and went to the mirror. Yo-Mayo, lived forty years, did not pay attention. True, there is a little.

How to go to the garden tomorrow? These gnomes will laugh (

If I went to school, there might not be such attentive children.

In the courtyard 2019. Time is unremittingly running forward, and looking at my three-year-old daughter, I understand that I will not have time to shake my eye, as I find myself in the situation in which most parents find themselves.

Now my daughter doesn’t care what she’s wearing, how much her dad earns, and what iPhone they introduced a week ago. But very soon, everything will change.

In my three years, I was the same. Maybe at this age everyone is like that. Over time, we begin to want something. And not always what we want fits into the family budget or common sense.

When I graduated from high school, my only dream was to ride a good car around the city, riding beautiful girls. Idiot, you can say. Of course I will agree.) This is the normal dream of a boy from the countryside.

I dropped on my mom and dad’s brains long before that. Class from 9th. And only now, through the lens of time, I realized how competently my parents taught and studied me.

After I finished school and entered the school, I had a car of time, and had no idea what to do next. And here, like snow on the head, this long-awaited gift. Such a silver, such a long-awaited Volvo S80 (in principle I didn't care what Car, but would be expensive rich), but with one condition. The car is paid at 70%, the rest of the loan and you shut it off. Service, refuelling and other things are your problems. You call for help, the car is put out for auction.

Fortunately, there was no limit to me. I immediately went to work, grabbed all the offers that came, and...

Half a year later, I began to realize that I was riding the car from morning to night. To fill the soil of trouble, the other soil of trouble is already trouble (for which all money went). I don't ride girls, as either at work or sleep after work, and money then in the circle. Then came it – winter. The salary of the 18-year-old boy was not enough to cover even 30% of the loan from the car and its maintenance, and here it is still necessary to find money for winter tyres. I found, twisted, a year has passed since the moment of the purchase and here is another blow from the windshield... Dad says that I would have to provide an extended casco policy to the bank, and it is worth like four of my salary.

My parents borrowed money. Sold the car. I have been cold with the cars since then. I thought a thousand times before I wanted something.

So my mom and dad gave me what I wanted so much, they taught me what to want as much as I could and could.

Do not confuse, they bet on you or they bet on you.

by Sykun

I have met him before, then on the road, then on the sidewalk. And every time I could not stop, not to admire this spectacle and not only I alone, all the passers looked after him and smiled.
Imagine a man on a small electric jet, he runs at an astonishing speed of fifteen kilometers per hour, but looks at the same time as if he is trying to break the world record on the bottom of a dry lake. I would still understand - a bicycle helmet, well, in the bad end - a motorcycle, if not, a person is just learning and afraid to turn. But there was another case. In addition to the helmet and gloves, the self-driving machine was equipped as a terminator before the battle with the black hole: the turtle, shoulders, loaders, elbows and knees on the slats, armored trousers were sprinkled under the pants, and most importantly - these huge motobots, which barely fit on the self-driving machine with an area of one and a half feet. It would be a crazy grandfather with brittle bones, of course, or not, it can be seen from everything that young and healthy, even if the self-made man did not buy such a dead man. Well, you can’t be so afraid to fall at a speed of 15 km / h.

And today I was riding the big and at the end of the street again saw this figure, aimed at the future. The ghost rider ran at his favourite speed. I strained, worked with pedals, caught and equaled with him. For a while we were driving in parallel, until I thought about talking to the driver.
He started first:

Want to ask something?

Your backpack was unwrapped, as if nothing had happened.

The rider stopped, on a business basis put a carpet on a small foot, removed the backpack from his back and began to fasten:

I almost lost my wallet.
Not for what. And, sorry, all this protection has already suited you, falls, don’t give god, happened?

The man smiled with one eye (the rest of the face under the helmet was not visible) and replied:

Are you there too? Let’s make fun of me, humiliate me, I’m ready for it. It was angry before, and over time I got used to it and I even started to have fun. The most common thing I hear from others: “Look, look, the referral has gone!”I am an ordinary city crazy, raising people’s mood. What is wrong with this?
In fact, really nothing. You are right.
“But I will disappoint you and admit that every day, in the morning and in the evening, I drive by car one and a half kilometers from home to the building.
There I have a litre sportsbike in the underground garage.

All my life I thought I had a rich imagination. Until the moment when Putin said that if Sechin and Miller cut their wages at least slightly, they would immediately be cut off by the transnational oil and gas giants.

8 years ago I missed a dog wife in her soul did not wait for a month 2 and one day the wife calls and says that she met a man in the store with our maxi but the man does not give the dog says his wife in tears I go with a friend I look at the wife wipes people gathered all sympathize I rushed on the man he gave the dog with the words that we all b...s he left and the wife to the veterinarian to check the dog that he did not get sick, etc. and TP. A dog for a maximum of a year. And our 5 years.short picked out another dog.but it looks like two drops of water and responded to the name.

xxx: Found an advertisement for the sale of a tail on avito.

xxx: And now I understand that I have to call an absolutely unfamiliar person and arrange a meeting, to which I will come with money, and he will come with a tail.

Any super-quality is easily replaced by a medium-sized mud.

A joke of life.

I bought an inverter here. The easiest and cheapest, for which the frog will not suffocate.
I started learning to cook. I sit, weld all kinds of iron debris, and then I try to break. First they broke. Then they stopped, and a little later it even became beautiful.
Sometimes it :-)
Well, I’m inspired, let’s think I’ll make something useful.
I had a broken strawbrush. Half of the screw was found, the other one was lost somewhere. W - I will try. The second half is not - the fist of the war, from the armor bent, it seems.
Well, first as a smart person, I looked at YouTube as people such iron boil. It turns out that it is necessary to remove the straw more fat, so that there is a place to melt the metal. And another friend advised to wrap the electrode with a copper wire, saying that my grandfather was cooking iron.
He did everything as advised, removed the façade, wrapped with wire, swallowed from the soul into several passages. The Bulgarian fox was melted in the face, it turned out beautiful, If not the armature, then it would not be visible where it was broken.

How could I know that the straw isn’t cooking? It was then that I watched all sorts of videos where professionals say that steel is useless to cook. Copper is at the level of ignorance and prejudice, in fact it doesn’t help. Need special electrodes, expensive, even sold in batches. Also, iron before welding needs to be heated to a certain temperature. After the fight, let go for a long time. And no guarantee that the welding will hold, slightly mistaken with the temperature and everything will crack. In short, the deadly thing of iron to cook. It broke, only for discharge.

What is the joke? Sometimes it is better not to know that a job is impossible to do. My scraper works to this day and does not break, no matter how hard I pressed it.

The famous mathematician Gregory Perelman, who managed to prove the Poincaré theorem, over which the best minds of mankind fought for many decades, changed his scientific plans for a while and focused on solving a much more complex problem - he will try to determine how his pension will be calculated according to the formula of the Pension Fund of Russia. The mathematical community believes in his genius, but very discreetly estimates Gregory's chances of success.

1993 and I am 3 years old. For the New Year holidays, the whole family went to the grandmother’s village. It was decided to go to a New Year's show at the country club. While my mom, grandmother and aunt were dressing up, my uncle called me back and said:

What Santa gave a gift, you need to tell him the New Year's verse. Do you know a poem?

and no.

(He repeats me a short verse twice) Remember?

and yes!

came to the club. I watched the New Year’s show. And this is the very moment when Santa calls the children on the stage and asks them to tell a poem or sing a song. Most of the children were embarrassed, someone mocked something. The turn comes to me.

Can you tell Santa Claus?



and yes!

Well let it.

(In the microphone loud and clear)

A tree was born in the forest.

Who gave her birth?

Four drunk men.

and a crocodile.

The hall exploded. My mom and grandmother made facepalm.

As soon as they crossed the threshold of the house, Grandma:

The wolf is! Did you teach her?

The uncle runs out of the room with a surprised and joyful face:

Did she tell me? I only repeated it a couple of times. 0 - O

Well of course!

Grandma was still reporting to my uncle for some time, everyone was surprised how I catch up for the summer and to this day sometimes we remember this story.

At the end of the summer, I really wanted to take a weekend out of town. Choose a house at a popular rental service. (In the process, a lot of surprising discovered about the features of the national rental in the suburbs, well, okay, not about it now.) The owner warned that all toilet supplies should be taken with you. And he also takes from the guests a surcharge for cleaning - before the trip. All guests enter a clean and prepared house.



Ok to Ok. I make a deposit and take the keys. And the first, with things, I go to the place (wife with children came out later, from guests). I open the cane... Mda... Buryant on the belt, in the house dust layers, all in the web and dead flies, some rotten broken boxes, dirty bags, shampoos lie in the dried fat. Wood for the grill, which was promised: just not... I recruit the master, the one out of access. You can, of course, leave and withdraw money from the account. But to spoil the mood of children who are tuned for holiday is not hunting. In a few hours, I clean all of my own, I brush the web, I throw out boxes and garbage, I put the lawn in order with a housekeeper, in the nearest store I buy berry pollen. Family can be released!



Two days we breathe fresh air, walk in the woods, catch fish on the river, loop shale. Before leaving, the wife washes the dishes, clothes the beds, blows the floors. We give the keys (as agreed) to the neighbor’s grandmother, we leave. At home, I called the owner a couple of times to express his admiration for the lack of cleaning, but he still did not take the telephone. I have already forgotten all this story, as suddenly, in a week, it calls itself. I have to, I think. The conscience is awakened, the man wants to apologize. But the man from the move begins to whisper: you, such a crazy, made me a shit! They also struck me! Oh how? I listen to this flow of consciousness. It turns out:

Throwing out dirty and torn boxes rolling across the rooms, it was impossible to touch, it is his property and they did not bother anyone!

- I spent wood and did not replenish the stock (ah, the same wood that we did not leave)

Decent people, by default, wash, smooth and fold bed linen carefully in the closet, and we left everything on the beds, laying them like over it in a scam!

- and in general, all his tenants always left him at departure their bathing accessories, which did not have time to use. Shampoos, soap, paste, toilet paper, washing powder. We brought it with us! Like the last craving! He has never met such poor people in his life.



In any case, I fooled him. Long and sophisticated. I took a suck.

has long been. I got a good job in a small company selling building materials. Salary and conditions are fine. On the third day, a strange incident happened to me. I am a smoker. In the morning before work I always buy, but it turned out that the bar is closed, the last cigarette in the pack, well, I think I will buy somewhere in the afternoon. At the stop I smoke this cigarette and as according to the law of the genre, the bus appears. I quickly squeezed it and sent it back into the bag. Working day in the middle, you have to go to smoke, and nothing. I remember that there is a non-smoking cigarette in the package and I go to the street, where there is a dedicated place for smokers. This place was in the corner of a neighboring building. I get a non-smoked cigarette and before smoking it, the lighter slips from my hand and falls next to the urn. I raise the bull in my teeth and start smoking and here I see that the director of the company is nearby (where did he just come from?) He is watching me closely. Here comes to me the absurdity of the situation, because beside the urna were rolling bulls just like mine. This is my bull. - I said, in a tone similar from the side, as if he pretended to him. Of course yours. Throw out. He told me and gave me a pack of cigarettes. Have you recently arranged? The third day. They stood silent and smoked. I thought it would be ridiculous and long to explain would be even more funny. There would be a whole cigarette, and here.



Close to the evening, the boss unconsciously and suspiciously told me to go to the box office. I was given a small amount from some unregistered, apparently budget. It was a long time before the salary, so I didn’t object.

I have met him before, then on the road, then on the sidewalk. And every time I could not stop, not to admire this spectacle and not only I alone, all the passers looked after him and smiled.

Imagine a man on a small electric jet, he runs at a furious speed of fifteen kilometers per hour, but looks at the same time as if he is trying to break the world record on the bottom of a dry lake. I would still understand - a bicycle helmet, well, in the bad end - a motorcycle, if not, a person is just learning and afraid to turn. But there was another case. In addition to the helmet and gloves, the self-driving machine was equipped as a terminator before the battle with the black hole: the turtle, shoulders, loaders, elbows and knees on the slats, armored trousers were sprinkled under the pants, and most importantly - these huge motobots, which barely fit on the self-driving machine with an area of one and a half feet. It would be a crazy grandfather with brittle bones, of course, or not, it can be seen from everything that young and healthy, even if the self-made man did not buy such a dead man. Well, you can’t be so afraid to fall at a speed of 15 km / h.

And today I was riding the big one and at the end of the street again saw this figure looking into the future. The ghost rider ran at his favourite speed. I strained, worked with pedals, caught and equaled with him. For a while we were driving in parallel, until I thought about talking to the driver.

He started first:



Want to ask something?



Your backpack was unwrapped, as if nothing had happened.



The rider stopped, on a business basis put a carpet on a small foot, removed the backpack from his back and began to fasten:



I almost lost my wallet.

Not for what. And, sorry, all this protection has already suited you, falls, don’t give god, happened?



The man smiled with one eye (the rest of the face under the helmet was not visible) and replied:



Are you there too? Let’s make fun of me, humiliate me, I’m ready for it. It was angry before, and over time I got used to it and I even started to have fun. The most common thing I hear from people around me is: “Look, look, the referral has gone! “I’m an ordinary city madman, raising people’s mood. What is wrong with this?

In fact, really nothing. You are right.

“But I will disappoint you and admit that every day, in the morning and in the evening, I drive by car one and a half kilometers from home to the building.

There I have a litre sportsbike in the underground garage.

Everyone can gas.

To slow down at the right time?

We need brains.