bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 27 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №137651
 09.01.2017
What to do with cattle to make milk smell? If you keep a goat with ten in one barrel with a goat, and the cows are not washed and brought to mastitis - yes, the smell is still. Shop products taste different from rural, of course, but if you take care of animals, poultry and crop - nothing will smell. However, it is also desirable to have straight hands and at least a minimum of knowledge about how to cook them.

[ + 38 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №137650
 09.01.2017
In fact, there is a complaint not about the climate, but about the holidays... And judging by your post, you would also be more comfortable to rest in May than in January... Or not?

I am not an author, but I am not. Spring is so good. There is a lot of sun, warm. Much less tired of going to work at +15, than at -20 with almost a polar night. And what, I work from 9, dawn in December-January at 9.10. And sunrise at 16.30, that is, from work at 18.00 you go back into the deep night. The only chance to see the winter sunshine is lunch and weekend. Honestly, I want to kill or get fired 3 years before retirement. Leave our holidays in winter!! to

[ + 25 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №137649
 08.01.2017
When I was a child in the village, I was a rare hooligan, I loved to smoke. My parents went to town and left me and my aunt. My aunt went to the garden, sprinkled the carrots, and of course, she took me with her – not to leave one of the demons.

In the garden I then fled somewhere, then hid, which caused my aunt to be angry. Then I got a “good” idea. In the garden was excavated a boiler with water for irrigation. And next to the cottage is a grown hill of land from cottage. I calmly approached the cottage to see my aunt play. And then, when she turned away, I picked up a large stone and threw it into the pebble, wildly crawled and hid behind the hill. After a scream, the stone with a loud rush went under water. And after that, her aunt cried out, she was so frightened that she rushed through the whole garden on a super-sound to rescue her nephew who had fallen into the cave... When she ran, I stood up from across the hill with such a satisfied smile, as if I had just passed through the lively track of four hundred grandmothers.

My aunt did not share my fun and filled me with ringing lilies. Then the parents came and, when they learned about what happened, added to me no less calling counters. My aunt refused to take care of me.

πG7GWGWG

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №137648
 08.01.2017
<xxx> yyy: Let’s get up from the different sides of the Gulf of Finland and flash each other’s lights? :D
You will be arrested as a Russian spy and deported to the Russian Federation, me as a Finnish spy.

[ + 24 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №137647
 08.01.2017
I was recently transferred to another supermarket. I come there and talk, now I will work with you. I meet my boss, a 35-year-old man. All on the fun such, asks how I’m called, spends the kitchen offers me tea, coffee, splashes the workplace, Says that I should go to him in case of anything, help the nephig to sing. Not a boss, but a story. Weekends and holidays are approaching. Well, and the boss is interested in whether I have someone to mark with, say if one, then come to me, let’s go somewhere. After all, he became my friend. A couple of days later he calls me to a cigarette and we talked about the upcoming holidays, about work, about personal life. And then he asks me a pretty standard question...do I have a family, a girlfriend? Well I answered him yes and yes, bla bla, now I don't meet anyone, well I asked him for decency if he is married. And then he replied, “No, I’m gay!” and suddenly! And we are standing like we are in the smoke, he looks at me, and I look at him. Fuck, Blade is probably the most uncomfortable break in my life. Now I’m wondering if he carried me, or if he’s really a good person.

[ + 35 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №137646
 08.01.2017
1st :
It is interesting to find theological lessons in the most ordinary things. Here, the iRobot vacuum cleaner shows how to eliminate the apparent contradiction between divine omniscience and human free will.
In this example, I will play the role of God. I look at the iRobot and I know that in 30 seconds it will enter the wall. Do you know about the obstacle? No, his touch sensor has not yet worked. So I know the future of the vacuum cleaner, but the vacuum cleaner does not know it. Does my knowledge affect the free will of the vacuum cleaner, its algorithm of work? In no way affects, moreover, his "electronic brain" is almost a black box for me.
Will I help the vacuum cleaner when it crashes into the wall? Probably not - he is designed for such situations and will handle it himself. But if it suddenly gets stuck, I will raise my ass and do a miracle (from the point of view of the vacuum cleaner).

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №137645
 08.01.2017
Once I was at a show where one really great actor just during the show in the first act dropped his pants. He calmly fixed his suit and continued the monologue.
In the entrance, everyone discussed what was the unusual and fresh decision of this scene by the director, and how the falling pants, entering into a counterpoint with the hero's sparkly monologue, illuminate all the futility and vanity of his life and the morals of the outcast society that surrounds him.
Critics then wrote that the falling pants are a symbol of the fall of the morality of the modern world. This show has even been rewarded.
The trousers fell accidentally. The button just broke.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №137644
 08.01.2017
> A praised natural cream? liquid, similar to kefir.

Stayed? What kind of agriculture did you do? Cream natural, home even close to this description is not worth it. You have been deceived, sweetheart. Per milk unpasteurized for someone and smells (sister does not drink, although the doyarka itself), but everything else is pure nonsense. The chickens are dirty. There are breeds and meat. Home-made eggs are thicker, and the yellow are brighter, you just can’t cook them. And the cream, missed from fresh milk, in half an hour thicker than the store. You were fucked by your "baby Nura and babies Masha". Eat for health your glutamate, it is not harmful at all, as it is painted.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №137643
 08.01.2017
The Taste

I remember when I was at a child’s school in the primary classes at a parental gathering talking about school breakfast. A couple of active moms spoke on the topic that eating these school breakfasts is impossible. The rest were silently silent - the school was large, with its own kitchen, everything was freshly prepared, the children did not complain. I remember, the teacher clarified the situation, explaining that in addition to these two other children eat normally, because cottage, steamed meat with purple or ham and compot is the usual food for them, but those who are accustomed to morning sandwiches and soda drinks, yes, eat badly.

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №137642
 08.01.2017
Not even black humor, but bitter irony.
The French journalist Boris Fletio. Excerpts from the article on Wikipedia.
Kidnapped in October 1999 by Chechen separatists during the armed conflict in the region. He was released on June 12, 2000 as a result of a special operation of Russian law enforcement agencies, having spent about 8 months in captivity.
On April 24, 2001, he committed suicide in Paris as a result of a family conflict with his wife.
What kind of wife is that, right? Worse than Chechnya.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №137641
 08.01.2017
We didn’t have a chance with her. incompatible sexual addictions: I like to fuck, and she's the brain

Wow: We didn’t meet for long enough to break up with our enemies, but one thing I know for sure. You love to fuck more than you love to fuck. So you had great prospects with her!

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №137640
 08.01.2017
How did you tell your husband about your pregnancy?
Vauu: She made a sheet of paper (origami), put the test in a clove and glued it to the toilet door inside. My husband asked me what this was and why he smoked.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №137639
 08.01.2017
We had "baby mouths" here. We discussed with my mother the phrase that, said, it is necessary for footballers to collect money for salaries by SMS, and what they are paying now, to give to sick children. And we say that, in general, footballers are not paid by the state. The child runs out of the tablet and says:
Are the footballers paid?
My mom and I go out and say yes, they pay. Here is the continuation:
And for what...?
And actually...

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №137638
 08.01.2017
The organizing committee on the results of the collection of money for the direction of V. Gusev "anywhere" for the period of the 2018 World Cup.

By December 31, 2016, football fans collected 2 million rubles.

The telecommunicator was sent a letter asking to choose a place for a multi-day rest.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №137637
 08.01.2017
>>>So who invented the word "smiles?" to Captain Jack Sparrow!

not so. This is a direct translation, in the original he asks: "Savvy?"

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №137636
 08.01.2017
Comments on the article "7 rules of successful business":
I'm not lucky: After 15 years of entrepreneurship, I finally found out how to succeed in business - working only black. Not paying taxes.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №137635
 08.01.2017
Banner on the fields of the website: "This is what happens! The game is not for the debilitated!" I just saw the advertisement, and my nerves are at the limit, shit!

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №137634
 08.01.2017
Isolent blue, red, black, with buds, with the taste of strawberries...

[ + 23 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №137633
 08.01.2017
The monks of the New Valaam monastery began to produce whiskey. As Father Andreas, who is responsible for the production, said, “This is the best obedience!”

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №137632
 08.01.2017
I am scared too. I have a few fears that I try to overcome.

For example, the fear of teeth. I always feel like she’ll say she’ll stay with us for three more months.

That fear paralyzes me.

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