bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №110870
 18.03.2015
I live in a suburb, in a private house from my grandmother. I have never been in special contact with my neighbor on the right, but I have known him since I was a preschool student, and he is a first-year student. He works as a taxi driver and every time he meets, he ritually offers a ride, and I also ritually say, “No, thank you.”

On the other day, I broke the crane in the bathroom in the morning, while eliminating the consequences, realized that I was late for the electricity and got in a break. I leave the house and meet my neighbor. Without waiting for the ritual question, I say that yes, take off and how much from me.

I arrived with the wind, but on the face of this man I saw that I broke the system...

[ + 30 - ] [3 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №110869
 18.03.2015
You all know, help me!
The closed.
Thirty years ago I read a book, where everything is like in Avatar, only without war and on Jupiter, banal quiet research, a disabled person, living on an artificial satellite, regularly settles in an artificial cocaryamba, which floats around the planet, performs some work.
Eventually, the disabled person gets tired of returning to the degenerated body and he deserts, remaining in the quite comfortable body of the Jupiter monster.
------------
And the joke:
Count, can you tell if there have been incest cases in your family?
These are very rare cases, you can read them on the fingers of one hand.
And specifically?
and seven.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №110868
 18.03.2015
However, if for you this news - in many organizations a strict dress code. Even jeans are taboo. It was not invented in Russia. It is widely practiced,


It may not have been invented in Russia, but it is hardly breaking the forehead in it.

When my wife was desperate to explain to me at least some meaning of this dress code, she rushed for help to our Western friends (he is a microbiologist, she is a customer manager). They shrugged their foreheads, didn’t really understand what they wanted from them and eventually answered, “Yes, you are what, we are not wild. The students? Yes, we and the professor can easily read a lecture in shorts".

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №110867
 18.03.2015
I end up being the whole brutal Ives Rocher: bald, bearded, hundred pounds, in mint jeans and leather – and hurrying to the local fairies to give me the Estee Lauder No. 23 mask.

I think I’ve put something into the world.

and...
Of course I supported. Yves Rocher only sells Yves Rocher products. Estee Lauder is another brand.

[ + 38 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №110866
 18.03.2015
to this:
"xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Find a pink rabbit, in the chest of other pink rabbits, mice, frogs and other animals, in a basket of toys, next to three identical baskets with toys, 3 minutes before leaving the house, under a baby cry. Without leaving behind a mess, he was not late.
That is where magic is. Maybe it is black."
_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Educate the child so that he does not get hysterical "I want toys" before leaving the house, and at all at any time. Here is magic. You have some fucking.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №110865
 18.03.2015
Wix: And I remembered the matrix here...) About the blue and red pill... everyone chooses either one or the other... and I would drop both and see what happens...
KV: you will crumble into singularity)

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №110864
 18.03.2015
Will you carry me on your hands?

Yes my dear.

Do not need!! It turns out that I force you, and you owe yourself – voluntarily!

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №110863
 18.03.2015
A colleague, after successfully passing the shit of the brainstorming project crashed in a bar. Take me to a taxi. I was very upset about this topic.
and yes. Let us start from the beginning. Drinking is bad, but what do you do?
“Well, stuck at midnight, bulky, dirty...
My wife broke?
The wife was pleased, saying a long time had to release a pair.
He beat, blasted the taxi driver, blasted the bartender?
He was lying all night.
- ***, so you, without bothering anyone, told nonsense stories to strangers, did not struggle, broke nothing and broke nothing, got drunk in a specially equipped place for this and didn't slide down the streets and came home in a taxi during the evening when he stumbled and on the way without wasting the keys, wallet and passport with the phone?
and yes. Uncomfortable as...
Shopp all the alkashi as you were. would survive!

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №110862
 18.03.2015
Did you mean jewel? Well, type jewelry, jewelry)) then pronounced as "joel"))

yyy: "joel" hm...there would be an excellent name (in this writing) for the rapper’s energy drink...the type of "driving the drug out of the car all day, and at night still squeezing with roots? Nigga you know what to do - a shirt on the head and go to the nearest store! Joel, bro, you need joel..."

xxx: fuck, you are a marketer from God))))

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №110861
 18.03.2015
xxx: In short, the director said that the fulfillment of contract terms is above all, so the shipment of the product will take place on time.
The fact that there is no transformator inside is nonsense. The product comes to the customer on Friday evening, no one will check it. And they do not understand anything about it anyway. And the launch of the equipment is not planned before September. So in the weekend we will steal it back (with the customer we have agreed on everything), complete it and throw it back.
xxx: But, like, I have to understand that the appearance at the same time should be "s needle", so it’s not time to relax. Less than a day later, and we have not yet given the outside doors for cutting / flexibility / painting...
xxx: And then I woke up... I don’t remember having ever woke up from roaring and crying at the same time =)

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №110860
 18.03.2015
How many admines do I need to spin a light bulb?
WOW: What is the difference? Going to another city...

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №110859
 18.03.2015
The guy has stopped smoking since yesterday, he turns and breaks, I provide strong moral support:
Q: Let’s not go to work anymore, let’s go to the cafe, and anywhere, just don’t leave me alone.
I: And what should I say to the boss in my excuse?
Q: Tell me that you have a sickness, the man is quitting smoking!

[ + 19 - ] Comment quote №110858
 18.03.2015
We discuss with a colleague activated, recently, clients fools carrying the brain:
Shad: Yes, the spring...
Eblanks increased
Shad: The fools melt away with the dog shit.
Do you think they are born of it?It is :)
Shad : Interesting theory)) Much explains (c) =)

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №110857
 18.03.2015
You underestimate human stupidity.
Yyy: I support the child, I overestimate it ;)

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №110856
 18.03.2015
Hayley: Listen, I don’t have money now because I just lost my job five years ago.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №110855
 18.03.2015
When we played Winx, I was Flora.
When I was playing in The Enchanted, I was Piper.
YYY: Ah
I had no one to play with.
Yyy: So I played with the boys in the red and the fascists.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №110854
 18.03.2015
The tank has no rear-view mirrors, but that’s not his problem.

[ + 50 - ] Comment quote №110853
 18.03.2015
What a confusion! I was sure that in my wallet, not counting the little things, there were two hundred notes with portraits of Franklin, so I did not deny anything to myself.

And here I stand at the box office of the Kowalsky supermarket somewhere between Minneapolis and St. Paul – with a wheelchair, with my younger son hanging on my swimsuit with the screams “Mommy, on the fingers!”, with a mountain of purchases, which the cashier’s assistant cleverly dissolves on the bags. The packages were three. On the chocolate face of the assistant shines a smile.
The cashier gently observes:

One hundred and forty five dollars.

I squeezed into my wallet and discovered one—only one—a hundred-cent note and a little thing.

The cheeks blink, the head under the hat becomes wet and begins to itch. I must note, I was carefully equipped, planning to go to the store on foot on a twenty-degree frost.
From the inconvenience of the situation, my English becomes complicated. I apologize and admit that I made a mistake.
The cashier does not understand what the mistake is. The assistant’s smile is blurred. The son announces that he immediately plans to build a home of Lego.

Everyone expects something from me.

Not able to tolerate the sauna on my head, I shake my hat, pour out the contents of the wallet on the shelf and express the desire to give up the part of shopping.

The assistant is accepted to get the goods specified by me from the packages, and the cashier re-calculates the sum.
The amount is not approaching acceptable. There is a turn behind us.

Finally, after removing the pizza with pineapples – which, by the way, was not caught by me, but the child – the account becomes such that I even got back some of the little things.

Unlike Russian stores, in Kowalsk, the cashiers and their assistants stand between the cashiers right next to the buyers from the neighbouring ranks.

A buyer from another row — I don’t understand why — suddenly begins to talk to my cashier. The word “she” comes before me, repeated several times.
The son, having removed some bandage from my sweater, stops the assault and is doomed to climb into the wheelchair. I put the weakened three bags in a basket under the seat.

In the meantime there is a change of cashier. The new one fits, interrupts a couple of words with the previous one and, remaining one, says something to the assistant. He gives me the fourth package.
I look inside confused. There was all the good that I didn’t have enough money for. I explain to the new cashier, who, apparently, does not know:

I cannot take it. I have no money.
Of course you can, she says. It is yours. Take this.
Two dazzling smiles shone in the flashlight as I — like in a dream — roll my bag into a crowded wheelchair and leave the store.
Nave a nice day! Reported from behind.

The snow went. The white dust melt, barely touching the burning cheeks. I don’t feel the frost. I do not understand anything.

What kind of shop is this? How is it possible at all? Have you decided to give me a gift for $35? At least they would give it to themselves.

Everything around is silver and shining, snowflakes melt. I feel like I was a child when I went out of the tree with a Christmas present.
I thought that the nearest way back would be tired, but somewhere took so much strength that three more such paths would have flown.
In the evening, I tell my sister and her husband-French an unusual story of store generosity.

Do you imagine? I never thought it would happen that the store gave me a bag of gifts!

“And that’s not the case,” they say, throwing me from heaven to earth.
I knock my eyes, trying to figure out who is cheating here, I shop me or I shop.

Did you notice that the man who stood behind you in the line did not say anything to the cashier? After consulting, the sister and her husband are interested.
No, nothing is anything.

Then really, it is strange.
What does this have to do here? I was surprised. Oh yes, I remembered it! A woman who was in the next row asked something of my cashier. They said “shi”, “shi”, meaning “she”, “she”.
Now it is clear! My sister and her husband laughed and, when they noticed my confusion, explained, “This woman paid for your purchases. This is not uncommon here.

I understand that I stand with my mouth open and, trying to give myself a smarter look, I object:

But she told me nothing. I didn’t even look at her. I do not even remember her face. I did not thank her.
She didn’t do it to thank her. She just helped.

I tried to understand what I heard. That is, nobody will ever know about it – except the cashier, of course – and yet she did. I saw that I lacked money and just helped.

- Sometimes you go to the MacAuto window, - continued the sister, - you get the money and you are told that your order has already been paid by the previous buyer.

Hands and neck became weak. Oh yeah, it’s called “Fleeing Murders.” There is something in this from the old children's book "Timor and his team", where the Timurists secretly helped people. Only here to do a good deed, you do not need to join any organization. And the secret blessings are not the children, but the big uncles and aunts.

You don’t see him, but he sees you.
“Wow,” the sister regularly agrees, “as a rule, in such cases the cashier says, ‘I was asked to say, ‘Rass it on.’ Send it on.
I remembered one St. Petersburg institution with a similar service system, where we are not constantly reporting food. When this is discovered, you don’t want to go back — most often — so now we are carefully checking the packages on site. Interestingly, these unfair sellers would admit, think our people would pay for each other, or they would take two fees for one order.

Pass it on? I question dispersely.
and yes. It means that when you’re fine and there’s a chance, just do something for someone like that. A few days ago I went to a coffee shop for lunch, and it turned out that I could not pay by card, only in cash, and I lacked the coffee I love. I said I don’t have to, I’ll go another time. But the man who stood behind me said, no-no, give her this coffee, I’ll pay.

But maybe he liked you, and he wanted to meet you that way?
This is from the series “Continue”. We are doing so. We did not talk anymore.

The sister’s voice sounded relentlessly, and yet there was a sense of pride in it – for the people around her.

Ten years ago, I watched “Pay another” about the boy Trevor, who came up with a way to change the world. His idea was reduced to selfish help to three people, each of whom, in turn, should help three other strangers, "to pass the good on." The boy hoped that the number of good deeds would grow in geometric progression. At the end of the film, Trevor died, but, as it turns out, his idea broke out of the screen and continues to live.

Moreover, I was involved in this too. It turns out, I should continue the chain, at least here, in Russia. That is, someday one of you may get my “staff stick.” In short, do not be surprised if you find yourself in a difficult situation, and a stranger will help you, or if someone will give you a gift. Just “Send it on.”

P.S I showed this note to my mother. She immediately began to tell excitedly how recently she was sitting in Minneapolis on the wrong bus. It was up to the end, so she fell asleep peacefully and found herself in a completely strange area. The first stranger to whom her mother appealed agreed to take her home. The path was not close, but when asked “How much do I owe you?” he replied that he owe nothing, and said the same thing – “Pass it on.”

by Yulia Shalomova.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №110852
 18.03.2015
“Say, Mr. Putin, what is it like to be the president of the most aggressive country in the world?
I do not know, I am not the president of the United States.

[ + 11 - ] Comment quote №110851
 18.03.2015
Oh, how proud we are and want to go to work, when we want to and in sloppy jeans... well, how to say more gently... either it passes with age, or smoothly flows into the mayka-alkasha and treniques for the rest of life, with eternal "lending five-hours to a penny"... Well, at least the army look - there are all kinds of proud, Bohemian and creative "psychics" in order less than on a citizen. Because they do not tolerate proud (and actually emotionally unstable) discipline and forms.
and...
And even in the army, this thought would be expressed in a much shorter way: "If you are so smart, why don't you go to the building?and "

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna