bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №152116
 13.04.2019
My friend told me a story yesterday. I would like to share with you :) Continue with his words.



Once in my childhood, my father approached me and told me how to call aliens. But they were not evil aliens, but good and smart. They were looking for people who wanted to meet them. As a gift for the meeting, they gave something very valuable, showing the cosmos, their planet and life on it. In order for people to contact them, they left text on earth many centuries ago. And if you say this three times a day for three months, they will fly. At that time, we watched the Secret Materials with the whole family at night and I was very impressed by the knowledge. For three months I repeated the sacred text of abru-khadabra many times every day. Every day, after the text was pronounced, I marked a note on the calendar with the image of Mulder and Scalley. And three months later, when no one arrived, the father said that it was necessary to repeat exactly three times, not five or ten. Well, or maybe they were flying, but decided not to contact me. Who knows these aliens? Then he praised me, held my hand and said that Mulder himself would be jealous of my stubbornness. My disappointment had no limits, but I was proud of myself to have done it, even if it didn’t work out.



Years later I learned that as a child I had trouble with attention and discipline. The mother complained to her father and he promised her to fix the situation in three months.



For me, it was the first long-term project I brought to an end.



Thank you Dad. I am 34 years old, and I still remember these words letter to letter: Dibi Dibebe Kazajž ao kaia divaka aia iya kalak in lajak I mom muzal veslvnal.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №152115
 13.04.2019
A smart woman, to want her all the time, always a little - does not give.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №152114
 13.04.2019
Snowden’s first rule is: “If you want to fight for freedom and democracy, hide yourself in a totalitarian Russia.”

[ + 31 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №152113
 13.04.2019
I took my son from kindergarten. He comes upset. I asked what happened. He said he was annoyed. My son’s name is Gleb. I wondered what could be invented. The son says irritates Gleb-bread. While he was going explained to him that it was not offensive at all, at the same time decided to teach him how to resist. Asked the names of those who irritate to come up with rhythms to names. The son named two names that brought me into a stupor, nothing decent came to mind: Anton and Stas.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №152112
 12.04.2019
In the morning I went out for a run, ran away, charged with vigor for the whole day.

I decided to go to the cinema. The body requires movement, the head requires spectacle. I go to the stop, what a beauty! The sun shines, the birds sing, and I too, but silently. A 50-year-old man asks for a fire. I don’t smoke, but I have a fireplace. He smokes so with pleasure and says, “Well, finally, if someone smokes, then you are three non-smokers.” I told him, I don’t bother with smoke myself, and he replied, “Healthy people die longer and more painfully. This is what I say to you as a doctor.” He walked away, trying a cigarette. I went, thinking...

[ + 39 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №152111
 12.04.2019
Where is the Bermuda Triangle? In childhood, it was only heard that there was someone missing, and then appeared, but already all gray and old, or, on the contrary, young, and not old in thirty years of absence. Our boat was pursued by two Spanish gallons of the seventeenth century, and then once - and collapsed, as there were no ones! And only the smoke is pink over the waves and not good so on the soul of the whole team became," writes the artist and blogger on his page in Facebook.



Ships were lost, planes were crashing, scientists of all kinds built bold hypotheses, clairvoyants and witches were angry, the media claimed to hear secret messages coming from there – and suddenly there was complete silence. and total. Now ask a modern student what the Bermuda Triangle is, he will not answer. Why is it all over? What happened?



Where are the aliens? Remember, the word was UFO! They were constantly flying, painting in the fields, kidnapping and anal surveys of forty-year-old virgins, stealing cows, carrying accountants to Aldebaran, and there they were given the ability to treat their hands and speak baby cream, than when they returned to their homeland, and earned for bread urgent. It was alive!



And now where is it all? Where are the crazy contactors, where the dim photos of glowing balls in the night sky in every news release? Where are these, soothing stories - it was an ordinary, ordinary evening, I ate slices with potatoes, drank three cups of tea with milk and was about to go to bed, as all good people do after such exercises, but suddenly noticed a strange light outside the bedroom window and heard a voice calling me: "Natalia Veniaminovna, come, we are your brothers by reason and chosen. We invite you on board the ship!



Where did all this go?



There was still a bubble — I remember that word furious. Naturally, in the newspaper they wrote that, so and so - knocks, dwarf, and banks with a lot of places change! He walks in the kitchen at night and knocks.



Yeti was constantly running through the woods. He left traces! Tourists are scared. He wore overnight and rubbed his hairy back on centuries-old cedars, leaving on them a piece of inhuman wool. The huge plaster blind of the trace was personally shown by Yuri Senkevich from the screen. Many, by the way, believed it.



Now that you read the news, it is a shame. No triangles, no aliens, no snowman, no Lohnessky, his mother, monsters. Some sanctions, new initiatives of deputies, some singer, three photos of cats and the prices of housing services will again increase slightly, but this is nothing, we only benefit. All of. No romance, no shattering soul of mystery. Thou thou!



by Jacob Kogan

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №152110
 12.04.2019
Anderson's fairy tale: The king is dressed and the people are naked.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №152109
 12.04.2019
Lifecycle for Men!
Is advertising online annoying? I also have a problem!
Make a couple of search queries on the topic of women's underwear.
And then the advertisement will start to delight you ;)

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №152108
 12.04.2019
“Putin said the Internet should remain free.”
The creator said that the retirement age should not be raised.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №152107
 11.04.2019
I just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so much to the sale of chocolate milk in a local supermarket that they asked to notify them when he was leaving college so they didn’t accidentally buy too much.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №152106
 11.04.2019
When I was a child, my parents forbade me from eating fast food, and most often I tried it on the trains when I was on the sea. I then dreamed, ‘Look, I will grow up and eat this delicious snack every day!’ Well, the dream has come true, but somehow it’s not happy.

[ + 43 - ] Comment quote №152105
 11.04.2019
I put the goods in the box. Suddenly from somewhere above, right on the tape falls a small size spider. I dumbly study the joint leg after which by inertia I speak Cassirche.

Don’t break the spider, it’s not mine.

- And we are our employees and we are not going to break through, - the cashier answers me in the tone.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №152104
 11.04.2019
xxx: Some programmers use the fountain method to de-order the code. To do this, you need to put a toy duck on the desk (or present it) and explain in detail line by line what the program should do. By resorting to this method, the programmer often encounters a demanding error, which he did not notice when viewing the code in the development environment.

WOW: Yes, I almost do that.

I only have a timid instead of a whirlwind.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №152103
 11.04.2019
My uncle, who never lived in the village, had to run out of town, to the village, all ecologically clean, work in the garden, get out of the cellar in the morning to the threshold, drink milk from the pot and wipe the beard with a sleeve.



He wore his brain for several years until he managed to break out into a real village for a week. And there it turned out that the village is a dull, illuminated physical labor just to not die of hunger. I went back to the city and I never heard such stories from him.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №152102
 11.04.2019
My husband and I have 20 years of life together. I’m preparing a gift and, of course, in the depths of my heart, I’m waiting for a gift.

My husband just called.

The next man, I am.

Hi, don’t work on Sunday.

A surprise, a surprise!

M- Well, in some way, my mother called, we will go to the cemetery, to me the site to transfer...

Thank you Mom, the surprise was good ?

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №152101
 11.04.2019
xxx: What pills to throw in to make Keanu Reeves materialize nearby?

Tagged: blue

Well now I’m with the stand, but without Keanu.

YYY: He was lucky today.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №152100
 11.04.2019
The nephew asks, “What will you give me?”

I: And you are me?

She: The Painting

I: I painted you.

She: I don’t need a drawing at all.

I: What do you need?

It is a smartphone.

I : well. I will draw you the best smartphone!

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №152099
 11.04.2019
My grandfather worked as an assistant mechanic.

Once, a small station opened near a village. There is a train on the rails, a scene was built near it, where an important uncle tells the people about such an important event. They listened mostly to women and children.

And then my grandfather looks out of the train and cries, “Come away, grandmother! The train will turn!”

People rushed out of the train. After a few seconds for them came, everyone laughed, and began to pull back to the stage.

My grandfather went into that joke.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №152098
 11.04.2019
It was served by Captain Anton Haritonov. He was able to serve in two parts before us, but there his position was reduced. Eventually he reached us. Then I asked him somehow:

and Anton! How was the housing in those parts?

Neither in that apartment nor in the other. But I liked the second more!

That is why?

"Well, in the first part, I was told: write a report, get in line, submit a certificate of form No. 1, other documents, and maybe someday the turn will come. The second one asked, “Are you married and have children?” No is! Go to fuck! It was quickly decided.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №152097
 11.04.2019
This incident happened 10 years ago. After a serious injury to the back, I went to work under an employment contract in a state organization for the position of an IT specialist. The money was paid ridiculously, but captivated by a clear list of duties and the ability to implement all my ideas without paranoid and contradictory information security instructions (at least I thought so when arranging for this job).



The problem of most state organizations is a very scarce IT budget, with amazingly grand tasks and plans. It is necessary to turn around and heal in all ways in the implementation of all the "hotels" of the management. Employees, who are eventually loaded with more and more work in the implementation of these grand plans, begin to conflict with IT specialists and often organize a serious sabotage of innovations.



At work, it was discovered that five employees did not have personal computers. More precisely, they were in the form of obsolete or unworking system blocks. The server was overloaded and needed to unload it as much as possible to spread non-profile tasks on other machines. The task was not trivial, but unexpectedly we were brought a sensory information board stand in anti-vandal performance. The tablo was proudly called “Information Kiosk”. The heart of this kiosk was a very good motherboard with the ability to organize a RAID-massive of 6 SATA disks and a rather very shaky processor. The special software kiosk worked only on Win-XP. Since the computing power of the kiosk most of the time stagnated, in the conditions of a shortage of free computers, I was decided to use them to the maximum for my work (and it was possible to run the miner). It was added two hard drives of 160 GB. The information kiosk has taken over the function of the main antivirus server as well as a network resource for the temporary storage of automatic backup of user data.



Night backup data scripts used the kiosk capabilities to the maximum. Since in HR the number of simultaneous access to the network resource is limited to 10 sessions, night backup had to be carried out in stages. Every hour, dozens of computers were "awakened", files and databases were archived, which were copied over the network to the disks of the kiosk. In the morning, the results of the night copying were transferred to the removable disk, which was carefully hidden in a iron box called a safe.



Two weeks later, periodically unexplained failures began to occur in my network – some backups, or even all stopped being copied to the disks of the kiosk and had to be taken over the network manually from users’ computers. I could not find an explanation for this problem. The test launches worked very well. You come in the morning - the kiosk is working, available on the network, not hanging, but the logs indicate the reason for the failure - the unavailability of the network resource. Initially, I was guilty of hanging an eight-port switch (switch), through which the kiosk was connected to the internal network. I had to put a whole cable from the server to the information kiosk and the problem disappeared for a while. Ten days later, she made herself known again. But now it was visible that the kiosk itself restarted at night due to a power outage. Well, that’s the problem for the “charming lunches.” I managed to lock the 1000th uninterruptor into the body of the kiosk and the normal backup operation was restored. I rejoiced – I achieved my own and solved all the problems that arose.



But two days later I was, gently speaking, disappointed. One of the guards complained to me. I prevented him from sleeping at night. This guard was a former officer and was well acquainted with computer networks and computers. It turned out that the night active operation of the kiosk caused the transition of its fans to enhanced mode of operation. The noise prevented him from sleeping.



First, he calmed the fans of the kiosk by disconnecting the eight-port switch, and then found an automaton in the electric shield that cut off the 220V power at the kiosk. But the interruptor I put inside the anti-vandal body caused him a feeling of tremendous indignation. As soon as he cut out the machine in the shield, the noise of the fans was added to a loud and boring scream of the interruptor that immediately appeared and finally deprived him of his night's sleep at the "fighting post".



The management ordered me to improve the ventilation in the anti-vandal body of the kiosk so that the mental balance of the guard post would not be disturbed at night.



This case was one of those that forced me to rethink my approach to the principles and rules of information security.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna