bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 30 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №123054
 14.01.2016
Tomatoes, preferably meat, a couple of days in the oven with the door opened at 45 degrees.
What temperature should it be?
zzz: 45 degrees :)
How long should the door be opened?
Zzzz: for a few days, it is written.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №123053
 14.01.2016
Quote from the car:
A month after three operations, a small but very disgusting knock appeared.The only place where I was able to stumble was some birds on the outskirts. I thought that the diagnosis can be trusted to them... They picked up, the specialists began to think about mounting the car. meet for long. They could not resolve in order links or they need to be changed. I stood aside and watched. But suddenly, I noticed from a distance that their discussion was suddenly interrupted, they were silent and their eyes froze somewhere under the bottom. The eyes were unnaturally round, and the faces expressed such a surprise as if instead of the elements of the suspension they saw a roaring penis. Incredibly intrigued, I approached them to look at the same place. There was a huge dirty hole in Lonjeron.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №123052
 14.01.2016
I did it.
Today, on my 40 kg walk, Bushu was charged a fee. The housewife of the grandmother ran for a taxi and said, “Oh, bite-bite!
He picked up his Bushenka on his fingers, pressed to his chest and made a frightened face.
Grandma is still impressed.

Cotte recommended the next time you want something like: "Remove your dog!" (c) Andrei Steffeev

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №123051
 14.01.2016
LIKE: In connection with the entry into the budget of the article "Remuneration for Success", I also propose (purely for every case) to submit the article "Remuneration for Failure".

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №123050
 14.01.2016
The first rule. The most important. Build your own life and don’t teach others.
For example, "Everyone does everything for themselves". But here is an example from life: the wife is cooking food and the husband is washing dishes after eating. Is this family in trouble? Everyone is indebted to himself.
The clothes can be washed by the machine once a week. You do not need to wash them with soap every day.
To wash the bath? That is obvious. Could you recommend using a toilet? Your husband doesn’t do that and you’re angry? Get away from him! Did not leave? and tolerate!
But the key point is that the family itself determines who and what does (or does not do). It’s not your dog’s business to decide for them :)
— — —
Once again. The last. It is already borrowed. This is not an obligation that is implicitly attached to a woman. It could be an agreement. It may be her voluntary wish. This is NOT an obligation!! You can’t expect this from any “baby in the house” simply by the fact of her gender. understandably?
p.s No, I don’t think that "this family has problems". I think the problem is in the story of a girl to whom two men smoothly transferred all their lives simply by the fact of her appearance in the house and the corresponding genitals. The problem is not that someone does not distribute responsibilities in their family in the way I would distribute them, but that it is considered silently that the whole of life is a “woman’s business.”

[ + 25 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №123049
 14.01.2016
Because you know that most men will not have anything to do with you if you tell them directly that your goal is to fly and give birth to a child that you will raise as you will, and a man must pay for all this silently.

where? Where are you taking such fools who want to fly and educate themselves? And others who still think that the bubble can be dragged into the Zags. For 40 years I have never met such a fool.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №123048
 14.01.2016
discussions of electricity.

XXX:Why use the automatic list, c already washed with pepper?

YYY: how not to shake the list over the dish, and she herself squeezed there as much as needed

XXX: How does she know how much she needs?

YYY: Easy, by its coordinates. If you are in the house, it’s all crazy. If in the landfill, it went over.

ZZZ: This is genius. Then from the landfill sent to the server information about what dosage the pepper was poured, from the server to other lists and here is already a self-learning system.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №123047
 14.01.2016
ptitza: These stones, as it turned out, can cause no less astonishment and trembling than more familiar objects of art. You hold a ruby in your hand and think that it was held by a swirling leg, an Australopithecus, well, let some later homo. Handwriting in 1.5 million years. Keep them very convenient, well in the hand, the center of gravity is placed correctly. There are tools as if adapted to a smaller hand, and there are - to a larger hand, made of different materials, some better made, some worse. You can imagine that the first homo held them, as today’s homo holds iPhones of different editions: "What do you have there? The monopoly? Thou! I have a biphas – a thing!"

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №123046
 14.01.2016
EroticFinger: Where to find such a job? I want to be a detective. Drinking whiskey bottles and smoking cigars inside the room :D
CrazyShaman: How do you sometimes wear a hat and a black or gray coat? How about bars and bars? It is :)
Minch: in order to get puzzles on bars and bars you don’t need to be a detective

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №123045
 14.01.2016
But how much easier would life be if people were easier to treat sex and it would not be considered a privilege of relationships, but an element of friendship.

Let your wife also count and sleep with friends.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №123044
 13.01.2016
Life will disappear on Earth and appear on Pluto.

We will break it all there. (c) Political Party "United Pluto"

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №123043
 13.01.2016
XXX: If the car starts only from a barrel, what could be the case?
YYY: Could the battery have fallen?
YYY: A real case: as if they were driving through the woods on a gazelle in a dark evening, nothing predicted trouble until they stopped sucking and for something they were silenced, and silence... in the light of phones they realized that they lost their batteries on the road.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №123042
 13.01.2016
by Geektimes
NSA: Hi, an AAA user via Twitter agreed to buy an explosive, assembled a bomb and will soon explode it. Can you tell me from which city he last logged in?
Twitter: The last login from Labudaland, Nevada. Write more, we will be happy to help.

Roskomnadzor: Hi, we suspect that 3,500 people have read the tweets of the BBB user, give us the full statistics on him, his contact details and where he logged in from.
Twitter: Don’t give up?
Roskomnadzor: Twitter is violating Russian law

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №123041
 13.01.2016
It’s crazy how quickly technology changes. In school, my phone couldn’t even take pictures, now I have a bracelet that tells the police that I’ve left my home.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №123040
 13.01.2016
A sister, entered the medical school, and after a couple of months tortured all the households, she began to find all the diseases, especially in the neck, then her angina, then the "balls" ride behind her ears, and recently began to give the tonsils, that she was swollen, hurt and asked everyone to look, and one day my aunt came to visit us, and her mother told her about the medical addictions of her daughter, approached her and said that she also had problems with the tonsils, approached her sister, raised her beard, showed her hands where the tonsils were not and said:

You see, I’m swollen too, touch, do you feel?

Same swollen as me!

I have removed them...

Not only my sister laughed.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №123039
 13.01.2016
It is worth remembering the quote that was here 5 years ago.
I got an apartment from a distant relative. There was no repair since the house was built-naturally, pipes and so on. Everything is hole. I started changing the toilet, switched off the water, removed everything as required. I decided to move a little bit (the new toilet in the shape is more lengthy - it would be uncomfortable to get up in the old place) and became a perforator to tap the floor - it was necessary to make a hose. 3 hours of day. I turn on the perforator, immediately ringing the door-neighbor from below, a bullshit-looking man. He has a child sleeping, so I have to wait until he wakes up, not to wake up O_o While I tried to explain that the matter can not wait until the child is asleep - I also have a family and everyone, forgive me, want to write, the man stood with a boring appearance, and then gave me in the nose. A "child" turned out to be 17 years old and he came from the club, so he sleeps...Now we judge....Not all the neighbors with the perforators of the bastard((»»»

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №123038
 13.01.2016
No one owes anything to anyone. I do something for my partner because I want to do it. He does something for me because he wants to do it. And we are together not because someone owes something, but because every morning we wake up and decide to spend the day together. No insults, no debts and no feelings of guilt. Relationships cannot be built on wine, they must be built on desire. Then everything will work well.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №123037
 13.01.2016
Just as I settled in my village, I paid attention to one uncle. He argued loudly with the saleswoman in the store. The sight of him was more than that - buggy, bald and with a tattoo on the forearm. There was a village resident... Then I heard a lot more about him, that he shot the dog angry and fought with a drunk fisherman. And I saw his face, from time to time, not knowing, naturally. Greetings for the case. One day, my friends and I were walking in the woods and saw him shooting from a gun, into bottles. Unclean, healthy, bald (the baldness I have for some reason is always associated with criminals), not even paying attention to us when we passed. Well, what to say, I feared this man, the village is not simple, there are all sorts of things, including, probably, and "authorities", that hundreds of people were shot and cut.



And one day, by my melancholy, I decided to walk in the forest alone, to think about the eternal and to merge with nature. At the entrance of the forest, I was met by this man. In the green costume, I looked at the undercover and smiled. I turned, and with a quick step, without looking under my feet, led me to the village. She walked quickly, regardless of her legs... She turned around the rotting stem of the berry, and so strongly that she could not walk on her foot, she began to jump on one leg. And the man approached me, well, I think everyone would rape and kill.



The man started to run to me. I tried to maintain self-control, and when he approached, he joyfully said "Hello!" He did not rape and kill me, but just touched my leg, telling me that there were no fractures, but there was a severe stroke. Almost on his hands brought to the house, and wrote to his dad, which ointment the leg now to lubricate.



He was a surgeon at a regional clinical hospital. I was right, he cut down hundreds of people.

[ + 19 - ] [5 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №123036
 13.01.2016
My grandmother (approximately 60 years old) got married in the village. They actually got married to the same elderly grandfather. We ask, why is it suddenly her old age broke the relationship to form and generally, what are the motives and so on? The answer killed with its simplicity. I say, when I go to the bathroom with him, we dress up, he hangs so beautifully!

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №123035
 13.01.2016
"...64MB of opera is enough for everyone,"

The original was 640 kb, but modern brains refuse to perceive it? It hangs on the main. Officially, CH

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