I am 5 years old, lunch time. The worst time for me, I had time to have breakfast at home, but for lunch I wanted to eat. I bore a spoonful in this terrible soup with fried onions and I understand that I can’t eat. I depict "the presence of absence", bite bread, drink jelly, but everything turned out to be in vain. The teacher said I didn’t eat. “You don’t like soup?” “I don’t like it, and I’m not going to eat pasta with cottage either, they swim in oil.”



Natalia Fedorovna calls the cook, aunt Asya and says, you see, he doesn’t like lunch, doesn’t like how you cook. So confused, and then asks, “What would you like to eat?” and here I recall how one day I accidentally saw our chief at dinner. They called her Barbara Abrosimovna, and between us we called her Barbara Abrikosovna. I say out of despair, "I want what Barbary Abrikosovna eats," this is how it broke out. The kids smiled, and the cook and teacher were in shock. Then a voice from the door was heard, “And what have I eaten?” and she came to us. Retreat nowhere and say, “Fried potatoes, chickens and salty cucumbers. I want that too.” In the silence there was suddenly a loud voice: “And I.” “Who said this?” asked Abrikosovna horribly, but the answer was a frightening silence. Then I talked to my mom when she was taking me home, but once, aunt Asya secretly invited me to the kitchen and fed me a fried potato, a cottage and salty cucumbers. I remember smiling and saying, “Just look, promise you’ll marry my daughter when you grow up.” I, of course, promised, wrapped up on both cheeks, and so it was several more times when I was secretly entering the kitchen to aunt Ace. She lived on the neighboring street, and we often met in the years that followed, and always asked if I had forgotten what I had promised her. Years later, she saw me on the street with her wife, hugged me and said, “Well, the deceiver has never kept his word.” I was ashamed and I was red.

and Taxi. Night, time to midnight. Order for the private sector. I come, I beat that on the spot, through the darkness approaches a violent man who is trying to light up the phone to pave his way. The right front door opens, this is a bonus, a familiar face.

D for good night.

I am good.

I am on the way. We go. My thoughts are turning in my head, fucking, maybe you didn’t recognize me? Though... six years have passed... her... her... she then went crazy on me, and I was like a scapegoat "rotted and thrown."

The whole trip the girl stacks in the phone, no hint of the past.

The final address.

Do I have it on the map?

Oh yes, I was fucking.

D for good night.

And you too, my dear.

I didn’t know exactly, or pretended, well. I go away. It does not pass and 15 minutes, the message "you are blocked, a complaint from a customer". The change is over, and the change is over by morning.

I knew it, I thought ?

Here are some of these beautiful airport stories. I am sitting in Sheremetyevo, waiting for a colleague, reading. The boy rabbit-sparing-something-there-card-s-super-cashback (a bonus travel pillow) fits and turns to me, shining with a taught smile:

Girl, do you want a gift? You are from which city?

From Tula.

No, then you don’t have a gift.

How is it?

Your region does not participate in the action.

Well, and happiness was so possible... and there was no luck! I am breathing pictures.

“Well, I’t say,” the boy smiles embarrassed. Maybe the opposite.

I photograph for graduation albums. There was a couple in the kindergarten - a boy and a girl, took a photo of him hugging her. Lovely photo, everything is cute. In the finished album she put a photo of her and him, sent albums for coordination.

A message from the girl’s mother: “Remove this photo from Katie’s album. It is a one-sided feeling.”

I feel like a guy in a deep friendzone)))

Dialogue in the cafe



A young boy and an adult man (maybe a father, but not sure)

The guy enthusiastically tells how he meets three girls at once, and each is sure that she is the only one he has.



A long monologue. Admiration of yourself. Laughing at a girl — she thinks she’s the only one I have!



The man listened philosophically. He breathed and said.

B and you too.

Q. What am I too?

I think the only one............

For work, you have to frequently go on business trips. I was travelling from St. Petersburg to Volgograd. The road is not close, more than a day in the way, so the ticket was taken in advance and on the lower shelf in the coupe car.



I arrived at the station later than I expected – the train was already standing at the perron. I rushed to my car. Having presented my passport and ticket to the guide, I went inside and started to go to my seat.



To my surprise, it was all packed with someone’s bags and suitcases. On the next shelf was a girl with a girl, and the upper shelves were empty.



I asked the young mother if she knew whose things were. She replied that all this was brought by some young people, and then they all went somewhere.



Nothing to do, I decided to wait until the owner of things announced. He put his bag on the floor, and he himself set up from the very edge, as there was virtually no free space.



It was ten minutes, and the train touched from the place, and the owner of things did not announce. I was already thinking about what to do with all this when the door of the coupe opened and a woman in her 50s entered.



She greeted me, made a little bit of cheer that she had so many bags and asked me to help her put them on the shelf for things. Somehow they all managed to fit in this limited space, but one suitcase did not enter and went under my shelf.



After the guide checked the tickets, they began to prepare for sleep. The girl laid her daughter the lower shelf, and prepared for herself the upper one. I also laid my shelf, but the woman was not in a hurry.



When everything was ready, I offered the ladies to change clothes, and I left the shop. To my surprise, a woman from the upper shelf followed me. Then there was this dialogue:



“Young man, I have a great request for you...you could exchange shelves with us.



With us? You seem to be alone...



I still have an elderly mom in my car. It was not possible to get tickets in one car. Are you changing places with her?



You fucking give it. What kind of regiment do you have?



The upper...



I have to say that I am a educated and polite person. But the very fact that I was offered to change the coupe for a placard already annoyed me very much. There is also the upper regiment.



The problem is that my height is 1.92 cm, and that’s one of the reasons I prefer to drive in a coupe – there my long legs don’t bother anyone.



I tried to explain to the woman these nuances, and suggested that she put her mother on my lower shelf, and I would go in a coupe on her top. Let her go to the placard. I think that was a normal decision in the current situation.



But the woman began with tears in her eyes begging me to enter the position - because an elderly person needs special care, if little at night will need. Therefore, it is necessary that they and their mother drive in the same coupe.



I don’t like women’s tears... In general, I gave in to conspiracies, took my suitcase and went with this woman into a placard car. There was an elderly woman there. When her daughter told her the news, she was very happy. She began to say that it was uncomfortable, and that she would somehow climb up and go here.



But the woman began to whisper at her so that she would silently do what she was told. Then I took her by the hand and literally pulled after her. That was a bit strange, of course...



Ten minutes later, already lying on my new seat, I suddenly remembered that I forgot a bottle of water in that bowl, and I wanted to drink. In general, I went back, the good of the cars turned out to be neighbors.



As I entered my former car, I immediately saw the same woman in the passage. She stood by my back and was talking to someone on the phone. I approached closer and heard the following:



I told you it would work out! And you set up your own – take two seats in the coupe at once, take two seats in the coupe at once... I know, unlike you, how to save money. What about Mom? He sits, bubbles under his nose, that it is uncomfortable to bother people so much...Who agreed? One man, a real fool. My grandmother’s tears! The woman laughed here. I know when I need to, if you don’t know. Okay, let’s go, or maybe Mom there is now her long tongue loosened and filled with excess neighbor...



Everything inside me boiled, but I tried to take myself in my hands. She never noticed that I was literally standing behind her back. I stumbled my finger into her shoulder, she turned around and almost shouted out of surprise.



I went back for my bag. Then I proposed to this naked lady to return to the first option (I in the top coupe, her mother in the bottom, and she herself in the placard), as it hurt my grandmother.



She started to get angry that I wasn’t a man, and all that. I told her that it was better to be a man like me than a daughter like her. And I suggested that she call the train manager to resolve the matter in his presence... Then she shuddered and accepted my suggestion.

The recipe for happiness in family life: to make a habit whenever you want to reproach a loved one for something, instead find something to praise or thank.

Listen to! He said a tired voice in the phone. Are you tired?
I am tired! The director answered honestly. Very tired. You are the fourteenth person I am calling.
And why?
“I said it,” the director replied tired. As I understand, you don’t have the opportunity, so let’s just finish the conversation.
“An unusual move for a telephone hooligan,” a voice smiled in the telephone. Are you seriously talking?
“You are the first to ask,” said the director. Others are becoming bullied or threatened. Sometimes they laugh, joke and hang the phone.
Listen, how are you there?
- Ryzhikov Alexander Mikhailovich, - readily repeated the director. I was introduced at the beginning of the conversation.
Oh Alexander Mikhailovich! The voice in the phone was fun. Can you prove that you’re not joking? Now let’s talk seriously.
The director breathed and thought.
“There is such a possibility,” Alexander Mikhailovich replied. Find the director's phone in the director's director's director's director's director's director's director's director's director's director's director's director's director's director's phone and call them there. If I say no, you might think of me as a joke.
The good ones!
There were short tubes in the phone. Ryzhikov murmured, laid the tube on the lever, breathed again and looked out of the window. On the dim from time and dirt of the glass flowed rare drops of a little rain.
The head, the director blasted. “I’ll retire, send everyone out, take a cage and go to the forest. I will clean...
What exactly clean mushrooms he was going to pick up for the Redheads, he did not have time to say. The phone on the table ringed the most intermittent thrill that Ryzhikov had heard in twenty years. Personal calls to his office rarely brought good news.
- Yes, - replied Alexander Mikhailovich, removing the telephone. I listen to you carefully.
It is still you! A familiar voice answered.
“Yes,” the director briefly confirmed. And so much?
Okay, I was convinced, the voice in the telephone became serious. Why such an unusual way? There are advertisements, newspapers. The internet finally!
- I was giving an announcement, - explained the redheads. I gave it on your internet. So I understand you very well. No one takes them seriously. At best, they call and joke. I am so tired of these jokes. Do I have nothing more to do?
Why do you personally call? He continued to disturb the interlocutor.
The secretary went to the decree, the director replied. The accountant receives a report. Employees have something to do besides calling. Should I put a cleaner on my phone? Maybe there will be more questions? Do you need the size of my shoes? The answer is forty-four.
Why two individuals at once?
“They do not live in captivity in any other way,” Alexander Mikhailovich said. They miss, they get angry, and then they chew. In short, like the people. For example, are you sitting for a long time in an empty locked room with a large window that looks out to the empty? They need space. I don’t have room for them now. The director cried in my heart. Then he explained in a normal voice:
They cannot build! How to freeze in winter?
They were silent in the telephone. The director waited silently, looking at his reflection in the dirty mirror. A man in a brown costume. The green glasses in the plastic envelope with thick glasses could not hide the fatigue in the grey eyes. Unable to withstand, Ryzhikov first looked strictly at his mirror double, and then unexpectedly flashed and showed his tongue. Even a smile appeared in the reflection.
And the city? Finally the voice said.
- The city has no money for it, - cut off the Rizikov, grumbling. I told you to run out yourself. Here I get out as much as I can. As you can see, a little.
How much time do we have? The businessman’s tone is known to the interlocutor.
A month, the director replied. The maximum. He looked at the floor, where in the flowered linoleum was a huge hole, revealing the predatory slope of the polished parquet. Can you really help? Or decided to joke too? Do you have a place to place them? Is there anything to transport? Is there finally something to feed?
- I have, of course, no. - the voice began.
Then say goodbye! Rosie breathed deeply. I have too little time for worldly talk.
He stretched his second hand to the phone to give a response.
I have not finished! The interlocutor shouted. The director’s finger was stuck within a millimeter of the lever. Personally I do not. But there are people...
“There are always people who have everything,” Alexander Mikhailovich replied with a cold voice. I have no money for their services. And no one will give them.
“It’s not about money,” the interlocutor said. Do you have someone who can take care of these animals while I have them? I can buy them a ton of carrots, but I have no idea how to feed them. How much warm water to wash? Where to put the nausea? Can it be taken to the field?
- You can, - smiled the director, drawing a circle on a scattered dusty table with a finger over a cracked lacquer. In the Czech Republic, one of my colleagues sells them for $3 per kilogram. This is right in the plastic bottles packing and selling.
Are they buying? I was surprised by the voice in the phone.
There are no tourists! I praised the roses. It doesn’t smell at all if the animal is healthy. In India, it is made of paper. Also a souvenir. Growth is coming!
Why are you not trading?
I can’t do that, the director said. If there is another source of income, except tickets and photos, they will be eaten in a moment. And my accountant will hang from this burden. Although, no, I’d rather just be fired, if I’d at least talk about it.
This is Alexander Mikhailovich. The voice of the interlocutor changed sharply, became harder. The director instinctively stressed. - Within an hour a man from me will approach you. He will listen to you carefully. This week we will prepare a volley, so report, or better - write down all the requirements for the conditions of the individual.
Two individuals! The director corrected.
And yes two! The interlocutor agreed. Temperature, humidity and the like. After that, you personally, I repeat, you personally inspect the volley. Before that, you will notify us of the requirements for the transport and loading of animals so that we can prepare. Your man must accompany individuals all the time. Travelling and accommodation will be provided by the employee. For long all this?
“I don’t know,” said Alexander Mikhailovich. - When they will build a normal winter wolverine in the zoo. Tell me, why do you need all this personally? I just warn you not to sing about love for animals. I have worked with animals for two decades. With people, even more. So why? Just honestly!
and honestly! The interlocutor promised. As a child, I dreamed of buying an elephant.

The law on the prohibition of abuse of power has entered into force. Russia became the first country in which homosexuals can be insulted, but pidoons are not allowed.

It only seems to a person that he thinks for himself, but in reality the brain thinks for him.

I am so old that I remember the past century.
For example, I remember the times when butter was useful. He was placed in a hot meal, swallowed on bread, swallowed blades. The oil was very useful, especially for children.
I still remember when the yeast was useful. Especially for teenagers. When our next growing boy started the season of acne at home, my mom started almost every morning for breakfast to make peelings on yeast. The puffy, sour, tasty pineapples were terribly useful because they contained yeast.
Meat was useful – any. Pork, beef, wild - it was useful for everyone, especially children and those who have physical activity. The brain bones were useful. And the chestnuts.
The chicken was useful. The chest, of course, but the legs-wings-cut - everything in the chicken was useful, except the intestines, gallbladder and feathers.
The fish was useful. Especially the fat. Especially the children. Children benefited from fatty fish, but for adults any fish was beneficial.
Egg yellow was useful. Especially the children too. And the elderly.
Milk products were useful - all without exception. Children, pregnant and sick – especially, but in general – everyone. Any fat was useful. In milk were calcium, protein, vitamins. Lactose was and was also useful. Cream was useful – especially rural, of course, but the store was also beneficial. Especially in the border.
Borst was useful. First the soup. A hot soup once a day was extremely beneficial for any body. Secondly, in the border meat, and it was still useful at the time. The third is vegetables.
Vegetables are all useful. Cabbage was useful. Especially those who have acne and constipation, but in general for blood it was useful for everyone. Carrots help to grow and see well. Cabbage is famous for vitamins. Grapefruit was useful. Tomatoes are very useful. very very.
Cheesecakes were useful. Every grain was useful. Especially the children. Men too, with meat. Meat was good for everyone.
Apples are useful. Especially the children.
The oranges were useful. Especially sick.
Bread was useful. Especially to everyone.
Honey was useful. Especially in winter.
Cacao was very useful, especially for children.
Tea with milk was useful. Without milk too.
Only coffee is harmful if it is drunk a lot. And if not very much, then also nothing.
Nowadays, of course, many products have ruined their character. They are all so bad, shit! Only we are the inhabitants of the last century and remember how cute and helpful they were once.
by Lyudmila Ovchinnikova

And can it not be done the opposite: for the free aid of Kyrgyzstan to collect sms, and $ 30 million. The state budget for the treatment of children.

I take a taxi with a driver without nationality. I crossed a couple of phrases, I feel, I started to peel (I want to paint). I say:

My dear, let’s go carefully.

Oh yeah, I go carefully!

Very careful, like my mom.



We were driving perfectly.

Six years ago, I moved from St. Petersburg to Tallinn to my wife, where I still live. I want to tell you how I got to work here.



I arrived in the so-called “no season,” at the beginning of December. Without education, without language, without even any paper confirming possession of any profession. There was no driving license. Just such a “beautiful.” Take me, the employer, quickly! “” But he was optimistic. Before that I had been several times in Tallinn in visits and about Estonia I had the impression of a "land of retirees". I was young, beautiful and unprincipled. I can dig, I can’t dig. At first, I was ready to go even to the minimum. At the time it was $450.



The system of finding a job in Estonia was very simple. You make a CV (cv-resume), pour it on a special site and sit and wait... Employers and recruitment agencies themselves select candidates on these CVs and invite them to a meeting. By the way, on the same site you monitor the vacancies and send your questionnaire to them yourself "forward")) Literally with one button. very comfortable. From Estonia to L.L. with love))



The resume helped to compile and translate the wife. We “blinded him from what was.” Suddenly it turned out that by the age of thirty and a tail in the questionnaire to write it and nothing! I worked on different jobs that are not related to each other. In terms of experience, the most in jewellery as a fixer and in the stallion "no one". What to write in the questionnaire? Who am I? I am neither a carpenter nor a jeweller... It is good that my wife suggested:



Let’s write “operator station”!

Which one? ? to

Any one!

It is genius!



They dropped my horor-CV and started waiting. And as the saying goes, “Around the road the dead with the hair stand... and the silence...” December is quiet. There are holidays, in principle. January is quiet. I started chasing a little, but my wife and her parents said, “That’s the norm! “” Well, he never even called or invited anywhere. No one needed me... misery.

Here is the first call! I almost forgot all the words. invited to an interview. A vacancy operator of a printer there, with training. The class! I come at the address. Something incomprehensible. No production smells. An office building. I even thought it was a divorce. It was a personnel agency. For me it was wild.



I sat down with a young girl HR talked, I don’t know what. She told me nothing about the work itself, as I understood, because she knew nothing. He asked me all the questions about where he was working, what he was doing. About nothing at all. I left in confusion. Is such an interview necessary? ? to If anything, we will call you! “” I wonder what “if what”? How will the employer know what I am? Will she tell us something or what? I came home telling, and I again all the choir “This is the norm! “” Oh well ok.



It takes a week or maybe more. The girl calls again. You are invited to the same job interview, but at a different address. Type of “second stage”. I am already in production. It is somewhere in Huevo-Kukuyevo, but I think it is still in the city. I was taken to the chief engineer’s office. He was such a funny man, he spoke Russian well. We talked “for life.” Where I worked, what I did. All fucking, the same as in the first interview, only less officially. Jokes of some sort. I was sitting with the eyes of the Lup-Lup. Strange it all was somehow... “Well, if anything, we’ll call you! “” Oh I say. I will wait.



10 days later, I forgot about it. The chief engineer is already calling: “Alexey, come to the interview!” The third phase! Where should I go? There were no other options. Absolutely silence. At least some of those movements. I don’t know if they might have it here, but I wasn’t sure if they needed a man at all or not. Or do they want to see them all?



I come. I am being taken to the machine. Meet the operator to whom I am applying. He is so happy! )) There is no sugar, but there is no choice. We talked to him and another Estonian fellow. At least closer to the matter. They told me they showed a job. You will need to paint DVDs. demonstrated the process. They even made some scratch themselves. It seemed like I managed, the jewelry past helped. They have also asked them. Where I came from, where I worked before. Well, I am already like a poppy, to all the questions I have improved answers, compared to the first "stages")) The outcome is the same: "Well if anything, we will call! “”



It is 10 days... I did not know what to think about this vacancy... Just joking about Estonian slowness... I stopped sending questionnaires to other companies, and the time is running! And nothing happens... We would say a lot of yes, no, no. It is March already. But no one else wants me any more. [...]



They call again. Come to the interview! “” seriously? The fourth interview. With whom this time? :) The girls there were cute on the packaging... Maybe with them...?)) Fuck the honest word.



This time I was interviewed with a serious man. It turned out that he came for me from the main office, which is in Vilnius. There is nothing to do! I talked to him, but he almost asked nothing. On the contrary, he told what a super enterprise they had and that they were ahead of the entire planet. We know, we know. I’d be surprised if he told me they’re in the ass, they don’t go out here without me. His tongue was hanging, I will tell you. He loaded me for a long time. Well, a man came from a distance only for that, I acted with understanding)) I sit down. From me all the history of their company told, starting almost from how they met with other founders and where they started. Should I have known this? ? to I do not understand...



Thank God, somewhere after an hour of our "conversation", the talk finally came about me. That I seemed to have made a positive impression on everyone and so on. And he sees me in this position bla bla bla, but only one question he wants to ask. And asks me why I wrote this whole story...



Alexey, what do you think about pornography?



How many thoughts I have in my head, you can’t even imagine! :) I even thought I heard...How do I feel about pornography? ? to As in the anecdote about Georgians:



“Goody, do you love the pomegranates?

There is yes. And so Nate...”



What question is this at all? What to answer? ? to and AAAA! You have to respond quickly! This is an interview...



I’m fine, why are you asking? ? to

Do you not understand?

Emma... No...

Go then, I’ll show you better.



To say that I was intrigued is to say nothing... And what about pornography? What do they want to show? ? to It was scary and interesting at the same time! We went down from the second floor to the production workshop where I had been before. We approach my potential workplace, where I have already been, nothing special I have seen there. And then he points to me on the wall on which a decent plasma hangs and says, “Look...”. I raise my eyes... Jooptaaa... There, on the whole screen, a large-scale pair of some meat-eaten madam are watching! Pornography is the most natural. Right in the shop on the wall, wrap up! )) Ancient truth is some kind of porn and babe is as terrible as my life, but still, gently speaking, unexpectedly!



And then I got the DVDs! They are in the press and pressed. What about them? Naturally porn)) And here on this television they’re rotating it all day. Quality of reproduction is checked. No sound, thank God



Three years later he worked there. The first time it was fun to send my wife a selfie with this screen after her question, “How are you doing? If you ask who in our time needs porn on disks, I will say that they were sent to Scandinavia. Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland. And quite large titles. Thousands of films. Somewhere 90% of all disc production came from porn!



This is such a story! Now I can boast that I worked in the porn industry! )) By tradition, I apologize for the many letters) Respect, who has read to the end)

Those who get up early give up in the morning.

Philip Kirkorov arranged a scandal at the funeral of Julia Началова.
He was upset that he was not allowed through the office entrance and had to stand in the crowd.
In response, the organizers politely noted: "This is not your day, Philip Bedrosovich. When it is yours, we will bring it through the office."

Yulia Tymoshenko went to the bazar and promised:
The salad travels twice.
Buyers are three times cheaper.
The pigs are inviolable

The cat is the best teacher to rest.

It was the nineteenth case.

A man who looks like a physician comes into my studio, with a whistle, a second meter, behind him - a police officer. The physruck in one hand has a packet with PTC-11D, in the other - a tail. He puts on both sides, and says:

- My son is 16 already, and a double... Decided to train in the apartment in a hammer. He pulled his tail and hit the TV in the side. Don’t worry about the body, I’ll fill the hole, the selector fix it.

I answered:

- Your selector will no longer help, it has barely been cut in half, I will sell you another, and I will take this for spare parts.

Just make a barter deal. I’ll give you a tail instead of money for repairs. Everything will be useful.

I was sorry for the man, I sold him a selector for a tail, he left, and I asked the police officer:

Comrade Captain, what about you?

- And I went by, I look, a man with a tail enters your door. Anything can be thought of. I went to see you and protect you if you need to.

thank you!

A government cable was stolen near the Kremlin.
And most importantly, nobody would have noticed, but something suspiciously long time from the Kremlin did not receive any stupid orders.