I was at a guest house with a comrade, and that two-year-old daughter is enthusiastically sucking the tip of the dog's tail. Okay I ask?

Yes, he says, let the immune system develop.

You might think that the father is a pofigist, but then there was a lecture about acquired immunity and somatic hypermutation of antibodies. Dad is a doctor of biological sciences, and has written a bunch of papers on genetics.

However, at one time he struck me that he picked up the sausage that fell on the pearl and ate it. But we were on a trip, and there every grain is a vitamin. After the trip, I learned to do that too.

12 years ago, the wife of a cousin died, leaving him a widow with two children, but this is not the case. Everyone of course helped as much as he could, and he himself received higher ZP than in the region. The children did not need it. The first year to them in the apartment regularly went from the guardianship service, etc., checked the living conditions of the children. And they ask the younger, “Are you all enough, Jura?” And he took it and grinned, yet sadly, like this: "Everything is fine, but here the milk would be a little..."



That’s what it’s like to remember today, the milk.

Last summer I walked in a garage with a motorcycle. Suddenly a guy. He says:

Do you have a pump? I am here from the houses opposite (three hundred meters). I return in 20 minutes.

I give him my favorite foot pump. It is 2 hours and there is no pump. I was upset, realized that I was sick, and left. In the evening I come, the guard calls me:

You were asked to give a pump, a bottle of beer and a thousand apologies...I was so offended that I thought badly about a man.

The fate of a person is often determined by both the judge and the prosecutor. But does anyone determine the existence of conscience and honour of unjudgmental judges and prosecutors?

Ivan Ivanovich was awake. In principle, the day has started well. When you are a hundred and eighteen years old, wake up. The first thing was the technical examination: the left eye was blurred - it works, then the right eye was dim. It was washed, tapped, like new. He has bent everything that is wretched, that is not wretched, he has lubricated. I checked the front and rear, diagnosed the neck. Having been convinced that everything was turning and crumbling, he made two floods, three floods, and started a new day.

At eight o’clock he was called from the Pension Fund.
– Lidochka, hello, – he shouted joyfully in the telephone.
- And you goodbye, Ivan Ivanovich, - sadly greeted him Lidochka, - how do you feel?
“I can’t complain,” the old man smiled at the telephone.
“I’m very sorry, Ivan Ivanovich, because of you, I have the fifth excuse this year! Today it is 30 years since you stopped receiving the savings pension and moved to the state!
Well forgive me. This month, I heard the promotion?
“Yes, promotion... her voice became as sad as that of Piero, and you, for a while, do not work anywhere? She decided to try her luck.
Unfortunately, I have enough money in my head.
— Sorry... All you... — she didn’t finish the sentence and put the phone on.

At nine o’clock Ivan Ivanovich sat down for breakfast with his grandson, who did not live with him, but always opened the door with his key. When he entered, he usually did the first thing to measure. The kitchen will move, the bathroom. Then he sits - calculates the materials, pretends the cost of the work, paints the furniture.

I came here today without a roulette, I forgot.

“Take a servant,” Ivan Ivanovich suggested, “there’s still something left of your grandfather,” he sadly sneezed and poured the boiler into the tea.
The man only breathed hard and sat down to eat the famous ancestor’s egg.

At ten o’clock the old man went out to smoke at the entrance.

Oh Oh! Ivanych, you are smiling again! And you know what smoking causes... a neighbor looked at a very living old man who started smoking at the age when they normally die from what “causes.”
We met in Moscow today.
What to do there?
We ride the subway, we go to the Red Square, we look at Lenin until we are buried.
Look at him like Lenin.
Did you see him yourself?
He came to us in the village.
In the grave?! to
and no. In the cup.
Listen, how old are you at all?
Eighteen years old, the old man chewed the filter with his lips.
Go you go!
I stayed for a second term.
At the age of you!
With these words, Ivanovich returned home.

At eleven the director of the MTS called and tearfully asked to change the tariff. The one on which Ivan Ivanovich was sitting existed only because of him and in terms of modern money was not worth anything, even the opposite, MTS paid him a little extra.

At half-third, an old friend called on the video and said that a strange woman in black came to him with a trimmer in his hands.
Someone squeezed, all on the nerves. I asked her why she didn’t answer her calls. Why don’t you read messages on WhatsApp? asked for a meeting. She cried, hysterized, left her visit card and... the trimmer march, he pointed to the instrument in the corner.

At five o’clock Ivan Ivanovich appeared in the store. On the birthday, the hypermarket offered a discount equal to the age. Ivan Ivanovich took a cake, a kilogram of bananas and a broad-format TV. He called for taxis and truckers.

At seven o’clock they called from the morgue and asked to finally get their insurance policy and backpacks.

At eight, the guests came, Ivan laid on the table, turned on a new TV, spilled wine. The toasts were very spicy. The guests did not know what to want, so they just stood up in turn.

At ten o’clock the police arrived to ask for silence, as older people live behind the wall. The door was opened by a man, causing the guards a paradoxical shift in perception.

Ivanovich slept closer to midnight, when exhausted by the celebration, most of the guests went to their homes and hospitals. Smiling in the emptiness, he removed from his finger and placed under his pillow a magical golden ring, which all these years extended his life. It was engraved in small letters with a magical inscription, made on the order of the wife before her departure: "Live for us two." He did so.

c) Alexander Rain

The entire weekend did not work the base of GIBDD, the mol flooded. And these people promise us the transition to electronic passports.

Ten years ago, I worked as a seller of all kinds of electronics in a kiosk in the market.

And one winter morning I came to work and knocked at the door. Hm, it is happening.

Should be cleaned.

I take a plastic pad, clean it all. It was an example for the Soweto.

I’m going to look for how to fix it.

In 5 minutes I come back with the intention of throwing out the slug... and it is not.

and Sparley.

February morning. In a deserted market. Snoop with shit.

and OK.

10 years ago, a friend asked to help remove the snow in his son’s kindergarten. A type of ad hanged who can come from the fathers to help. It is easy. They picked up the blades and went. Butterfly came 6–7. The manager gave the front of work and we began to paint the snow. I worked for 15-20 minutes and I was shot in the butt. He took the snow and in the friend, he threw the answer. And I went on!! A crowd of adult men are wearing around the territory of the kindergarten and not so load each other with snowflakes. Rejected wildly. How not to crack the glasses in the veranda hz. In the evening, a friend calls and says that the chief with the educators almost reassured the children when they saw such a vaccanalia. The snow was cleaned. Everyone is good)

I would like to say to the colour of the nation: if you are in poor health and you cannot exist in prison, do not steal!

My friend comes from the deep cheese.
He was born with his parents in the 1980s in the United States and grew up there.
But when he grew up, he started dating a black girl named Jessica.
And recently he told me on the internet this full drama story, which I am telling you now.
In fact by fact.
They met at the university, and that the main thing her family — the respected intellectuals of her town, not the bandits, were very not against that their daughter would be in love with a white man from an intellectual white family. Interesting is it?
But the family of a friend was somewhat confused, because how to tell the rest of the relatives who were left in no longer SyrySyry that their child is in love with a black girl - they did not understand.
The situation was such that the relatives who remained in the post shoe would not have understood that Misha is meeting not even a Jewish girl, but a "non-Russian". After all, in their understanding of the rough depth of black... yeah... black people are just... well, how to say... well below even the Gypsies. The uncivilized human-eaters who ate Cook, and still carry his bones in his nose.
So Misha's parents were a little stressed about this, and Misha himself understood - to bring the bride to watch would be.
And now the meat itself:
Jessica and I relaxed and relaxed.
And she asks, in care and mental balance with the body, with her American directness, said Michael, we have been dating for more than a year. My parents are not against. You didn’t think about...
He stood up, quietly approached the window, smoked.
He smoked hummus. I smoked the big apple.
And then he says:
Listen to Jessica. I did not tell you. I want you to understand me correctly. I like you more than you imagine. I feel good with you and I would like to spend more time with you. Even more time than you imagine. You are a beautiful woman, even by the standards of my people. You won’t believe it, but the country I come from will never believe that an American can clean perfectly, be incredibly economical, and cook wonderfully.
The thing is, Jessica, I want to say that the country I come from, we... we have no people with dark skin, and no matter how beautiful you are, our engagement will cause more than horror to my numerous family!
She understands the essence of the situation, begins to squeeze a little. The tears burst on the eyes, and the inevitability rattled to the heart.
He hurts, returns to her, embraces her and says:
Do you know what we’ll do with you, Jessica? We will get married and go visit them all there as a married couple. Let these p*ar*s just oh*e!
...and get a pre-prepared ring...

I woke up. The alarm clock is 7:00. It feels like 03:45...

XXX: This morning I helped my neighbor with something, and she said, “I’d get married to you.” I could not believe it. You do something good for someone, and that person in response threatens to ruin your life.

I took a parent's porn cassette: I sit, rub my stroke. Suddenly the door suddenly opens, I lightning switch the channel, but I have no time to hide my cause. A cousin comes in. He looks at me, then at the television, where a religious program is being broadcast by a priest, then again at me. And I sit with a pipi in my hand, confused, embarrassed, and I give a leaf.



So many years have passed and he doesn’t stop trolling me. I recently received a message from him with a photo of a church servant and a signature, “Do you like this?”

Xxx: For the second year in a row wearing the tree, I remember this story with a smile on my face, and I ask my beloved wife about her girlfriend Elena. It quickly disappeared from our sight.

About two years ago, my wife at work met Elena, a cute, shy girl who is raising a son of the same age as our senior. On the topic of children they became friends, first talked at work, then Lena and son came to us several times. The kids played in the room, the ladies drank wine, and I the joining.

The last time they came before Christmas, I and the children dressed the tree in the nursery, Lenin's son immediately began to help us. The ladies, as usual, talked in the kitchen at the table, drinking wine. When the process of decorating the tree was completed, I was saddened to find that three forks did not fit into the same socket, and it was necessary to look for a triple. Having searched all the rooms, and, like any man, having found nothing, I decided to go a rough path and ask my wife where she once again hid the triangle.

As I entered the kitchen, I splashed into the chair and poured a glass of wine and asked my wife:

The three?

The woman thought for a moment, apparently remembering where she last used it.

The situation turned out to Elena, red and a little stunned, she said:

I don’t care, but who will take care of the kids?

It is a pity that you cannot get out of your body and look at your face.

Well, then our wife and the wild whistle, through which Elena tried to explain something, was even more red. Unfortunately, since then I have not seen any more Helena in our guests.



Yyy: If they weren’t rotting like fools, there would be a triplete.

Purchased a new apartment, of course His Majesty the repair did not make himself wait. I approached the house, full of wallpapers, paint and other nonsense. I put on a free place near the entrance to be easier to wear, a couple of times got up to the apartment, I go down, and there already a comrade of the Caucasus outside begins to tell me a heartbreaking story that this is his place, only he puts here and I must immediately leave and "find my place, brother." Recalling the movie of the same name, he told me that he is not my brother and the parking spaces are common. He tried to say something else, but I wasn’t interested. I caught the remains of building materials, carried it up until I laid it up in the apartment, I go down, and he with his car my support straight like on the video from the post, and stands on the side with interest observes) I didn’t even talk, a couple of photos on the phone I made, called the service, described the situation. After 3 minutes, the DPS (a small city) arrived exactly, comrades were issued according to the hour. 4 of article 12.19 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation for 2000 rubles, the car he took away, and now he does not say goodbye to me, he walks and murmurs.

P.s An acquaintance with GIBDD once said, “Everyone will have their place... in the cemetery. And in the courtyard they are common.”

Beginning of 2K. Call from the branch:

I need to report, but I don’t know how, explain.

I begin to explain.

Ten minutes later, he said half a word:

My day is over, I’ll call you again tomorrow.

The guts are short.

So I sat down with the phone.

My mother always had low hemoglobin, it was inherited to me. My hands and feet are often frozen.

I remember trying to warm my legs at night about my mom, and she didn't like it, apparently, and it was cold.

I got married. The husband is always hot. He doesn’t even notice when I warm my limbs around him at night. And my daughter seems to be in him. When she can’t sleep, she complains that she’s hot, turns, I put my hand or even my foot on her. And she says, “Oh, cold, how good,” and falls asleep. I also have a crap :)

When I was 17, I didn’t smoke yet, but I drank beer, which I tried to hide from my parents. But there was a rock concert here, he told the ancestors that we and the boys were going there just to listen to music, but the strazzzzz)))) We bought a box then, as I remember now, "Klinsky" and went to use it for the music of the fateful direction. And everything would be fine, but in a couple of days comes out a local newspaper, where on the first strip, under the headline "Pank in the city", a photo with us splashes greedy burning beers. The parents of course roasted, but in any case said that I would not drink much more)))



I even kept this newspaper for memory, it is still somewhere in the warehouse.

Laugh at yourself, otherwise others will laugh at you.

A miracle happened to Santa.

My friend Fedea worked for Santa Claus. many years. Fede was over forty and, frankly, it was his only stable job. All year he was engaged in different things: taxi driver, courier, repair brigade. But at the end of November, Fedy began receiving orders for Santa Claus. Fedu was appreciated and passed on by each other’s parents. Feyda was a wonderful Santa. What is strange is that he had no children. There were three divorces and there were no children. Fedea loved children, he used to have them, knew some codes and codes of children's souls. Once he came to visit me, my son and daughter were still young. Fedya smiled at them from the threshold: “Good, fuck!” They immediately loved him. I couldn’t talk to him that night, he was taken away. That is my children. He played with them as a tiger, then as a wizard, then as a dinosaur, I don’t remember further.

I think Fedya himself was a child. A big child. Yes, he knew a lot, even putting tiles, but remained a child. Therefore, family life did not work.

This story happened to Feddy five years ago. Thro December, he wandered around the city on his dirty “toyota”, sweating under a black synthetic sweat, without even having time to eat.

Fedi had only one holy day, December 31. Which he never took orders, no matter how asked, no matter what money promised. It was his second birthday. One day, as a young man, he got drunk, went by electric bride where. He was taken to a distant station, left on a night platform. Fedya would have been around there, but by a celestial coincidence, he was noticed by the freight engineer, slowed down, dragged into the cabin. The mechanic broke all instructions, but he saved Fede’s life. After that, Fedyah stopped drinking, and the driver sent gifts to the children. Lots of candy, but regularly.

Since that time on December 31st, Fedya has been at home. He drank tea, played computer games, ordered a huge pizza at home.

So, on the evening of December 30, five years ago, Fedya was on the last order. The children were named Galia and Tola. Feddy hadn’t been there before. On the way, he studied the “dossier” on his mobile phone. Faith five years, Tole seven. Tola does not believe in Santa Claus, plays robots and loves Elon Musk.

As agreed, Feyda called his mother from the entrance. She went down quickly, in a large man’s coat on her shoulders:

Good night! My name is Vera, here are the gifts. A robot, of course. And Gale – the dress of the princess – Vera stretched the boxes. Just a big request. Tola will be rude... don’t pay attention. Both my father and I are materialists. And Galecka – she’s not that. You are more with her.

Do not worry! Feather smiled. Run away and freeze.

Fifty minutes later, Fede knocked on the door. I heard a young boy’s voice:

has appeared! A woman with a synthetic beard. Garcia, it is for you!

The unpleasant boy opened the door and looked around at Santa:

It is strange. and sober. Last year was completely...

Luckily, in the hallway ran out a sister in a dressed pink dress with mice:

Give it up, grandfather Mogoz! The girl didn’t say “R.”

Hello to Galia! Feddy smiled at her. And unnoticedly gave a light pinch to the boy. Greetings from Elon Mask!

The boy quickly turned around, staring at Grandpa: did he give a pinch? But Fedea twisted the synthetic moustaches and walked importantly inside.

It was late, Fedya was very tired and hoped to do this session in 15 minutes. He gave the girl a box with a dress, and she jumped. I pulled out a box with a robot:

It is you, Nihilist!

How did you call me? The worm?

A nihilist and a smart man. The Latin word. I once lived in ancient Rome.

The boy came closer:

Good to lie! If you play, my dad will beat you.

Mother Vera immediately intervened:

Enough is enough! Now Galecka sings a song and we let Daddy go.

But Santa Fe suddenly stumbled:

No, where is your dad? I would have fought the tatami with him. I lived in ancient Japan and practiced judo for three hundred years.

Daddy at work! The boy answered. He will definitely beat you.

At that time, my mother’s phone ringed. She took the phone and said, “Sorry, I forgot... Well, I’m stupid! I am running now!” And he grabbed Grandfather Fedou for the red sleeve:

I pray you grandfather. For the ancient Japanese. Sit with them for 15 minutes. I need to go to a friend in the neighborhood entrance, give money. I’ve been busy and forgotten, you know.

Fede didn’t want to sweat for another fifteen minutes, but he was very kind. He agreed.

And remained with the romantic Galay, and the nihilist Tolay. Galia sang him a song. Then Tola suddenly smiled. He approached Fed and said:

Okay, sorry, but it would be better if you fixed the crane in the kitchen. It falls, I can’t sleep.

The crane? I was surprised by Fedora. Daddy for what?

He is busy, he is a businessman.

When Vera's mother arrived, Fedy, right in her beard and grey coat, turned the crane. The boy Tola stood next to him, handed out his tools and told his grandfather:

You should take off your beard.

I can not. I am Santa Claus, have you forgotten?

well well well well. You are cold.

Mother Vera begged Fedu to give up everything, tomorrow they will call the sleeper, and generally the children to sleep... But Fedy was squeezing something in his beard, and the children jumped around and shouted, “We don’t want to sleep! It was a cold cold, wow!

Finally, Fedya finished with the crane. Wash the sweat with a grey hat. And then the little girl Galia said, “And my bed was all shattered...” And the brother added, “Everything here was shattered.”

But Fedya replied:

The kids, sweet ones! If I came to you this morning...

What are you! Faith cried out. They are joking.

To the elevator Santa was called to accompany the girl Galli, dressed as a romantic princess. When Fedya was already standing in the elevator, she suddenly said:

We have no daddy. My mother hanged her clothes in the closet. Mom lies that Dad is a businessman, on a long trip, Mom thinks we believe it. He believes like a fool. But Daddy is not. I never saw him. Goodbye to Santa!

The next morning, December 31, in the apartment of Vera, Toli and Galli a call came out. At the threshold stood Fedy, in her usual jacket.

Are you a courier? I asked Faith.

Then came Tola:

Mom, are you really? This is Santa Claus, don’t you know?

– Oh, he smiled at Fedya. I am here today, without ceremonies. The day is free. So what did you break up there?

Fedya, Vera, Galia and Tola have lived together for five years. There is an older sister, Anja, who is three years old. And Vera and Tola, when asked in school who is their dad, answered calmly: "Father Christmas. Do you not believe?”

by Alexei Belakov