bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №143574
 03.08.2017
In 2017, in the age of digital technology and robot vacuum cleaners, a 2004 quote says: “I want to put a line on a vacuum cleaner. Tell me which distribution is better sucking." takes an entirely different look.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №143573
 03.08.2017
Do not worry about this railway. Everything with him will be normal, so it happens: at fifteen years, it seems that at twenty-seven you will hang yourself, so that the old do not live further, at thirty you understand that thirty is still youth, but fifty is terrible-terrible, sickness is somewhat increased... but even to fifty they live - and also realize that this is not old age at all, if there are diseases, then obviously not such to live not wanted... now fifty is a normal mature age, and terribly eighty... and so on to infinity.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №143572
 03.08.2017
I go to the pharmacy, where there is no people, I approach the box office and say a pre-prepared phrase:

Give you the classic x

Big or small?

I immediately entered the paint and tried to twist out on an unexpected question:

The Medium

A very funny young man, do you want a pack of 3 pieces or 12 pieces?

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №143571
 03.08.2017
The article on Hicks about how to lose weight by walking and exercising:

It is necessary to learn to find joy in movement. I didn’t know it before, but in principle it’s in us. And I will not say anything about the load in the room - I don't know.

I love walking, waiting for the train at the train stations, I always walk slowly, 3-5 hours in a row and the result! 4 times taken to the police as suspicious :)

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №143570
 03.08.2017
It looks like pure chocolate, but it is worth smelling.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №143569
 03.08.2017
Not only the puff. Memories of the Lander

Called in the autumn of 1989. He was sent to landing training in Lithuania. The city rotted. There he did not learn, because unrest began in the Union, the issue of disbanding the unit was decided - the junior sergeant was assigned early and sent to the Ryazan Air Force Regiment. We stayed in the regiment for a few days and were thrown into Tbilisi. We spent two days at the airport in hangars. Then, in closed vans, they were transported to the construction part, where they were dressed in the Strybatov uniform. There was some mess. Some hostages were released. No “young people” were sent under the bullets. “You are too early,” said the squadron, “you will have time.” He put us in an enclosure. He himself and a man of ten of our landers fell in this operation. It was probably the spring of the 90s. The cherries were many mature and large.
And then, already on the red, we got to Baku-2. Or not... I have to watch the album. Twenty-seven years have passed, and everything is remembered as a story. We arrived in Baku, the senior agreed that we would be fed at the restaurant. And we really, as civilians, came to the restaurant, they were hospitable people - Azerbaijanis, - such tables were covered by us... Military was everywhere in honor at that time. There was a tobacco factory in Baku. We went there. In Russia, the problem with tobacco has just started. Then my father sent me chicken to the army, and from Baku I sent him chicken.
I was presented to the order together with the commander of the squadron for landing inside the BMD. At first, we were trained for three months to land in the Centauri system. There were space chairs. To be honest, I did not eventually jump in that chair. Before that, only Margelov’s son had jumped inside the BMD. He was given a hero for that. I’t go now. And then asked, "Who will be inside the BMD to land?" - immediately called. He was ready for everything.
From BMDeshka, everything was raised and these space chairs were put up.
The wind on the day of the exercise was much higher than permissible. And the Minister of Defense with the swipe, with the foreigners all here already. We board the plane together with our BMDs, the company commander, the squadron, I, three drivers. And the squadron says to me, “Let me be fired and shot, but in BMDsk we and you will not jump in such a wind. Let’s jump separately – we get involved in this crowd. And on the ground we will run to the car, as if we were in it.” According to the training plan, he and I both had to be inside. The BMD slips on the ramp, we are behind it. Our company had experimental parachutes – D-6 series 4. I land – the dome cannot be extinguished, the wind is dragging. On this parachute there is a second ring - you drag it, - half of the suspension system is suspended, and the dome will then be extinguished. I was going to shake, and I was already lifted by the wind, the earth is far below. Seventeen people on that day struck to death - from the Kostrom Division, DŠBšniki more... Their wind carried on the field, beaten on the ground... Sixty-six "Gazons" caught the dome, extinguished the wheels.
Here the earth is approaching again, the helmet, pulled out the second ring, pulled off the parachute. Blood from the ears and nose, the combination on the left is stripped and the skin is wiped, crumbling to his BMD. We and the commander of the squadron had to go inside, as if we were there. I run, and a luke in a meter under the ground. Due to the wind, the landing system did not work properly, and the car went to the ground. Moreover, it is not the mud, not the arable land, but the dense land so found. and torch. And we and the squadron have to get out of there, and there to the lock not yet to dig. I don’t know what to do next, but there is no squadron.
Around the shooting, MIGs in the sky – the exercises are complex. They fly low and silent. Here he has already disappeared, and then the roar of engines and ears is laid.
There is no commander. I am running looking. Riding on the high. It is on one side of the wires, the dome on the other. Under its weight slides down, here by the wind, the dome is filled and pulled to the wires. He opened the reserve, descended on its sides, jumped. He to him that the BMD would run out of the ground and not get into it. They fled immediately to the tribune, from which Grachev – the Minister of Defense, Lebed – the commander of the Air Force, foreigners watch the exercises. We are in the blood, the squadron reportered: "The exercise is done!"Gracev says: "I present a lieutenant of this kind and a sergeant of this kind to be awarded the Order of the Red Star!" Three regiments landed - Kostromskaya, Ryazansky, Tula and further landing and assault battalions.
I don’t know if I deserve this order or not. But I did not give him because of the coup.
Then came Kyrgyzstan. We went there for patrol. To show the people that there is power and that there is power. The Isyk Kul lake was in the early spring. Very very beautiful! They burned there an hour before the blisters.
I’ve seen the swallow for service ten times. He is exactly like a general in “The Characteristics of the National Hunt.” Without a cigar. He tied my tie once. We brought our company after Baku to Moscow, some warehouses. We are dressed in state. Costumes, shirts, coats, lacquered shoes, cravates... I curl this tie in my hands – what to do with it. The swan approached, “Help, son?” he tied a tie to me. My shoes were narrow and my feet wide. To push my leg, I had to take the forty-fifth, with my forty-two. And here we are so imperceptible in the same costumes, the same shoes, coats and cravings, all in the early spring with the Baku sunshine, with the AKSU under the coats, patroled Moscow in pairs. My route was to Arbat. The day we patrolled there and returned to the regiment.
And for a few months before this time he sat with a grenade machine on the roof in Moscow for a whole day. Three officers and an officer.
During the entire period of service in the regiment three months spent. The rest of the time – business trips or exploration trips, when you take tents, shelters, and miles for 60 in the forest fields. I loved running then. It happened, on Saturday or Sunday, when he was already the head of the company, with a friend: “Let’s run...” And purely for the pleasure of the kilometers, we cut five... We return to the barracks – a mouthpiece: “The old man! Where is he wearing you? Build a company for a march-throw!” and with the company, another forty-year-old easily ran through...
The 91-year-old is also interesting. The hardest and most cruel thing was to get there. On the hose run from Ryazan to Moscow on the asphalt to drive - no driver could withstand. BMD on asphalt is like a cow on ice. I replaced my own. Half the road. From the asphalt under the goats, dust-small flies. We arrived at the MKAD, all of the ages swollen - the eyes of the algae. The BMDs walked on one another, stopped somewhere, dropped the lighthouse... Really hard.
Somewhere in front of the MCA we met the Swan. The commander of the regiment and officers explained the situation. The regiment is left here, and one of our company is sent to the White House. We had seven or nine BMDs at the time... And here we go through all the barricades to the White House. From the trottoirs we are screaming something, throwing eggs... We after the next south – all burned... You ask – for Yeltsin we were or for the GKCHP? What did we know about it?! If the Swan said, the commander of the regiment said, you have to go, you have to perform. And what GKCHP is there, what it is and why, we did not know, and the soldiers do not need to know. need to fulfill.
We come to the White House, President Yeltsin goes out. Each of us grabbed his hand, hugged, breathed water. His hand sweat as I remember now. It was a hot August. He said something like “children,” “soldiers,”... I realized that he was offended. They occupied the defense around the White House. We are here for all of us. The same, probably, who in us on the march with eggs and cried out with punishments, now carried us the grain, chicken and bowl.
At first, we thought we could eat everything. We had the GAZ-66 accompanied, so we hit it all with a slayer, and we regretted that we had so much ammunition in place. We are deadlines. Almost all from the depths. And there are chips, pepsi-cola, red and white wines, sausages, cognac, cake-cake, and all this needs to be used. The night overnight. Someone washed and shaved in the stream. This morning I was charging for the company. This is a mini-show for civilians. The whole regiment came to us. What was pressured by any of the civilian population - did not see or hear from our own.
And when our regiment arrived, it began to be even more interesting. The commander of our intelligence, the commander of the squadrons and me, as a senior, brought the regiment in front of the army, destroyed the pursuit of us, declared traitors of the Motherland, named some articles serious, bound everyone's hands. I stand, I don’t understand – why? He fell like a chicken. The president shrugged his hand, and the commander tied his hands. What am I to blame? Razvedrota – 29 people, the whole regiment stands, and the deputy regiment announces that we sold our homeland for a piece of sausage.
With bound hands, they were taken to the regiment at the hauptwacht. Officers - in the officer's chamber, me - in the chamber for sergeants and senior officers. From the soldiers and sergeants of our company, too, the pursuit was broken. Only the officers and me. The head of the company - the position of the praporcher was.
The guys gave me a transistor to the camera – I listen to the news. I think, “If Yeltsin wins, I should be released. “He’s sorry for my hand...”
These two days pass. I hear on the radio, Yeltsin won. I jump from joy to the ceiling. I am really released. Of course no one apologizes.
I return, there are no officers in the company. No one has recovered from this shame. Everyone wrote a report.
And all of our company is suddenly sent 40 kilometers from Ryazan to clean the apples in some collage. This has never been the case for intelligence. I am the Elder. His own course. Why the apples, where... They took the tents, dry up for a couple of days... No tasks, no – where to send the apples... No baskets, no inventory, no boxes, no bags... I say to the guys, “We were sent here to survive. You are in the field for potatoes, you are someone in the village who works to help to pay for the products.” We stayed there for two weeks. With the village night, not without that, of course. Then comes the commander of the regiment, presents the new commander of the company and commander of the squadrons. He told us that we were drunk and sent us to the regiment. We didn’t have to run 40 kilometers at all. Then I was expelled from the army. I don’t even remember if I waited for the autumn order, or earlier. issued the documents. The parade was not worn. They said, you have a “citizen” you have a “citizen”. So I understand that because of the political mistake of commanding the regiment there at the White House. That they were not declared traitors.
A few years ago, our intelligence was all posted on the Internet. I found my address. Twenty people came to visit me with a surprise. I changed the apartment before. They come to the address they had – no one opens. They call the neighbors. The neighbor opens, they ask about me. He replied, “He hasn’t been there for a long time.”
Well, the guys go back to the station, sit in a restaurant, pour an extra glass of vodka, cover with a piece of black bread, remember me. Then they departed.
But soon one found my sister on the Internet. And so cautiously he wrote to her that, he said, I and your brother served. She replied, “And he’s now hunting. He left for a week.” They came back to me and we saw each other. Reminded...
About the Order of the Red Star and I don’t know – should be interested. On the one hand, they presented. On the other hand, in fact, I did not jump inside the BMD. They promised orders and did not give them. They promised to be arrested, but they did not. Served like everybody.
*** by
A statement from the young man:
I met him on vacation. We met and talked together...I liked his memories very much. Some stories from his life were published in June. This was done on the day of the VVD.
I called him now. agreed to the text. He corrected something and asked to add:
Congratulations to the desanters! For the army of Uncle Vas! The eternal memory of the fallen.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №143568
 03.08.2017
Putin responded to U.S. sanctions with a resort fee, the cancellation of free baggage, a ban on anonymizers and VPNs. We need these pins!

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №143567
 03.08.2017
MALINK> You know, I think we’re leading a too healthy lifestyle
Tiki> Oh what is this time? Should I buy tobacco instead of a fitness subscriber? Or the waves? Or a video card for your pipe tanks!!! to
M>...
In general, there will be no cheesecakes because there is neither salt nor sugar in our healthy home.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №143566
 03.08.2017
- Petrovich, would you take me to the station for a million?
Of course!
What about 5 rubles?
–??
You are a taxi driver, I know. Only the price remains to be determined.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №143565
 03.08.2017
I am 12 years old and my parents just bought me a computer for school. The first application for training was the Kingpin game, in an unforgettable location of Fargus, called Bratan. All mates are translated by professional programmers into great and powerful.
I press the game, so here’s Batya. At this moment, the applause on the screen shockingly cut the pipe pronounces: "Huli you need? Fuck it out!" or something like that. Batya shrugged, scratched his neck and left.
The next game was FIFA 2001. I couldn’t tolerate football, but I needed to calm down.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №143564
 03.08.2017
Barrymore, what kind of noise is it that comes from Peter's Bays?
They did not use the air conditioners purchased in 2010, sir.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №143563
 03.08.2017
Group of one charity.

Distribution of infant milk mixtures.
Dear mothers! Today, only half of the mixture was dissolved. We will distribute until we distribute. But under the conditions indicated on the package, it should be stored at a temperature of up to 20 degrees. I’m not sure there’s so much in the office. There is no refrigerator for 14 boxes.
Come on August 6, but be faster next time!
P.S. who will pray that the whole week will be rainy and the temperature +18 - will get an umbrella on the ass.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №143562
 03.08.2017
Those are the ones they are, they are the ones they are. The fact is that testosterone is responsible for libido in both sexes. And the black hair, too. My wife constantly pulls out the vibris, like a good cat. When it comes to family debt, you’re more likely to die than to pay off it. Not every day, not twenty years.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №143561
 03.08.2017
I’ll tell you why endurists are so careful. In the endurist, falling is the standard mode of operation. The Endurists fly through the wheel, the Endurists send the car into an independent flight at the end of the rise, the Endurists flew into the bushes from the track, the Endurists catch holes, cows and pebbles, the barrel turns out to be rotten and not to withstand weight, and the stone turns out to be not round enough and rolls over at the moment when the centrer of steel has already rotted on it. The endurist is anchored in the defence by the ears, he flies into the tree with his mouth, he plunges on his foot with a hot release down, he crashes on the branches and he tries to save the car, because the repair is expensive. If the endurist rides for more than a year and is still alive, he rides on the machine in any situation so as to collect bones, if something happens to him. He does not perceive falling as some abstraction that "is happening once and to someone, but not to him now," like a lump flying 160 in a sport on red. Falling for him is the norm and way of life, and not only his own, but also comrades, who may not fit and suddenly crash the neck under the front wheel. True, there is an endurist weakness: they hate the road and try not to show it at all. This deprives most drivers of the last chance to see such a legendary character as a clever motorcyclist.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №143560
 03.08.2017
"In the center of Moscow, the opponents of the “Matilda” went on a prayer stand"

They would fight against corruption as against this unfortunate film.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №143559
 02.08.2017
Every year more and more characters of the book "Mamenkin Prince" are found on the streets.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №143558
 02.08.2017
With AliExpress, we sent a package in a poppy bag with all the cracked pillows. The evil Chinese.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №143557
 02.08.2017
With Picaboo.
by Jozeppe:
There was a school with a biological inclination going out to nature to study ants. Thro the day, students examined ants and carried out measurements. The next day, they brought their class to the teacher. In the course there was such a conclusion: the perimeter of the foundation of the ant (read the length of the circle) in all the measured ants was always three times larger than the diameter of the foundation of the ant. And it did not depend on the size of the ants and the breed of the ants themselves. They went to Nobel!

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №143556
 02.08.2017
"NYT accused Trump of beginning the fight against discrimination against white students"

Lord, bless this man, he is the only one who stands for the white.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №143555
 02.08.2017
xxx: I’ve been in distributed computing for 10 years, I’ve sold dozens of b/u video cards for many generations and I can say that the recent mutation of buyers, minerophobes, is a very strange subspecies. "Cart of minerals?", "No, it never existed - in distributed calculations it was considered", "A, well, okay, the main thing is not bits, it is seen to bury". and lol.

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