If you meet someone you haven’t seen in a long time and don’t want to talk to, just start the conversation with the phrase: “Hello! Did you know that online marketing is underestimated? Now I’ll explain it to you...”

P.S In 90% of cases, a person suddenly begins to rush.

I was on a train and I got a companion. He went into the car, without saying anything, began to glue the window with some fence. I asked him.

Man, what are you doing?

I get rid of the light. It prevents me from sleeping.

Nothing, what is the day? Should I sit in the dark?

You will endure!

I do not know how to conflict, so I decided to wait until he closes the windows, and then I will call the conductor to get rid of this inadequate. The window is sealed, the door is closed, the light is turned off, the car is dark, nothing is visible. I turn on the phone, look at the time, I'm going to follow the conductor, I hear the voice of a neighbor.

Fuck the light!

And started from his side such a sound of movement in my direction, I see nothing and automatically beat my foot to the side and accidentally hit the neighbor. The neighbor begins to cuddle, I quickly turn on the light and I see that the neighbor’s face is all red from my foot and he is talking.

Do you immediately get into a fight? I would normally ask...

After that, the neighbor took his faner, turned away from me and slept the whole trip. He said he could not sleep in the light. This is the power of the healing p**dules!

Today I walked the street and heard a mother mocking her six-year-old son: “You’re punished! You won’t go to grandmother tomorrow. You’ll be sitting at home and playing on the tablet!”

The child cried.

A acquaintance told me. He sued his wife for her inheritance. These relatives filed against him for 116 U.K. that he allegedly struck the uncle of the heir. There was a report from the hospital that he was beaten. A familiar lawyer, only after the third session showed a foreigner and a passport that at this time was like a week in Cyprus with the whole family. The uncle could not explain who beat him and said he was wrong. And since the lawyer of the uncle was hired, he also got the money. From the words of the acquaintance this office takes from the hundred))))

Set up a program of registration of acts of civil status. He went away and called the chief:

I do not have a program.

I was surprised, just checked, everything was okay. I enter the office and she meets me with the words:

The program was closed and nothing was saved.

Don’t worry, we’ll find out now!

It is useless to break down, nothing can be restored! Here you see, the computer broke down, so young people, now you are going, go home, there again think well, divorce you or not, in a week you will come back. People argue, argue, and everything happens.

She spoke to a young couple who came to the reception.



I just heard the first phrase and immediately got upset:

What you panic! We will restore the information. Everything will be well!

I raise my eyes and see the face of a guy who makes every effort to show me that fast computer repair is a bad idea.

- Although, of course, there is a lot of work here, - I continue I am not very sure and at this moment I notice the sad and a little confused face of the girl.

I will handle quickly! Finish the phrase. The guy, smiling, turns his head to the side, which means no. The girl looks with hope.

- Everything is ready, you can work, - I inform the present. The boy is disappointed, the girl smiles sadly. The manager thanked me, and I left. She talks with them for another five minutes, but she can’t convince them.



In the movie, it would probably be funny to see how a programmer saved a family by lying that the computer was faulty. But life is not a movie. People decide their own fate.

She worked in a bank, the name of the director was Sidorenko, the accountant - Ivanenko, and the programmer - But.

An employee enters the reception room, points to the door and asks the secretary:

Is it free?

“No, there are Sidorenko, Ivanenko and But.

What are they doing? ! to

As far as I know, production matters are decided.

Then Booth told everyone, “Always call my name first, so that there are no unnecessary rumors in the bank.”

A man is so unhappy as his wickedness does not allow him to be happy.

How elephants die.

Did you see death, Dick?
Learn how we go!

An elephant, 60 years old and recorded as Marita, died at night. She had long not led the family, transferring the powers of the leader to her third daughter, the mighty Margo, and herself passed on to the role of a grandmother, dragging behind the flock the broken body, and watching that the young man is not too distracted from the babysitters. And it would have lasted a few more years if the boys from the neighboring Masai village had not had time to become men. And for the Masai, becoming a man means doing a feat. For example, to kill someone. And the boys, taking the heavy, in their own height, spies, in the darkness came to the elephant herd.

It has not been so long ago. In recent years, the Masai have been satisfied with bloodless feats, such as transporting a herd of cows through the river into the floodwater or picking out the prey from a lion. The elephants were discouraged from the fact that humans represented a danger, and did not react to a dozen armed teenagers in combat color. Only Marita understood what was happening, and with an unexpected roar that meant something like, “Run, you fools!” she covered the flock with her wide side. She was seconded by the clutch of our jeep, which crashed to the scene through a bush.

But we were late. The elephants went to the other bank of the river, to the reserve, and the Masai escaped in the bush. We got four bloody spies, one of which was broken by a hood from the wound. In the morning we found a herd in the depths of the reserve. The elephants went far into the mud and walked, excitedly talking to each other. Marita was not with them.

For a week we searched for Marita all over the reserve. It turned out to be in vain: the wounded Marita decided not to burden the family and hid among the frogs of one of the islands. There she was killed by sepsis from inflamed wounds. The body was found by Mara, her last daughter, who understood her mother’s logic better than others. He found and brought the others.

A powerful elephant column moved to the place of Marita's last rest, breaking the water stream. Two huge elephants lifted up the deceased and supported her with their shoulders. The family built up in half a circle and spoke mourning speeches, loudly trumpeting and gesturing with hobots. The honorary guard of the body of the deceased was changed four times, while the family dug a grave - shallow, 70 centimeters in a hole. The body of Marita was moved there and thrown from above with a hammer and specially delivered from the shore by branches. The elephants did not disperse immediately, leaving the cave in small groups, and the latter left the heavily grown Mara. No, we were the last to leave, who visited Marita after Maria and smoked her last tube on her grave - she liked the smell of cherry tobacco for some reason.

NN, a former senior engineer of the “Igreek” department of the famous “kissing” NII, died far from his homeland. When he was 72, the Russian medicine rejected him, motivating that his efforts were needed by young people, and he had already lived his life. His family moved him to Israel, whose doctors do not consider age as a reason for refusing to treat cancer, and there he lived for another fifteen long years, surviving much of most friends and colleagues. He was visited by various people, including those who never shine on TV screens, but is often mentioned in special reports, but he refused to cooperate. He was visited by children, his grown-up grandchildren were regularly called, his wife was lovingly drunk, and I, as I could, painted his life with conversations on professional topics, although I was quite far from the control systems, and he - from the oil company and the exchange. When cancer eventually took its own, he sat down on Skype and personally said goodbye to each member of his large family, finding a few fun words for each. By testament, I got the key from a bank cell. No, there was no package of banknotes – there was a package of papers with records. Here, I sit, I understand - who if not me?

After the decision to dismiss the Ecumenical Patriarch, the leadership of the Russian Patriarchate of the Russian Federation decided that the descent of the Blessed Fire would be transferred from Jerusalem to the central office of Gazprom.

The salary day. I charged my phone with an online bank and a fingerprint scanner. I sit in front of the calf, drink beer, eat fish, watch anime.

Wife: You need to transfer money to the fund of the class; 2000 for the younger and 1000 for the older.

I said, “Go old lady, I’m sad.” Let’s do everything in the morning, I’m drunk.

“Mom, we just need his phone and his finger.

I met a girl like that. Call of Helena. Well, kissed for a couple of weeks, I invite her to the sauna. Cultural time to spend. Lenka agreed. I found in the newspaper the phone of the local sauna, I call:

Good day.

Hi to you.

Can you order a sauna at 19:00 for two hours?

I can. Tell me your phone number and how to contact you?

The smoke, I say. The number dictates.

In the evening, I went to Lenka, went to the store for a balda and fruit and came to the sauna. Come in, I go to the stand:

“Good evening, we have a sauna, the second floor, for seven o’clock.

The woman looked in the notebook, then on me:

“Hello, Dima, yes we’ll wait.

I paid for the sauna, layers with a towel, I turn - Lenkie is not. I look at a woman. She says:

The girl went out on the street.

I followed no one. Fuck, what kind of shit is that?

Sitting in the car, I went back. I look at the turn. I go out, I look at her. Roja is arrogant and evil.

Len, what has happened?! to

The silence surrounded me and continued to sneeze. I grabbed her, held her in my hands, held her. Is the hole still there? Sauna is paid. What if I get to go there. Two hours.

Damn, Lenka, what happened to that?! to

And nothing! You don’t seem to get out of that shit! You have even been taught by name here!

Fuck, it is not easier. explained her situation. I believed. They even laughed together. We come back, we enter and she asks:

Do you really have to say your name when ordering?! to

I sit in the office and I don’t touch anyone. The phone call, lady



How much does the court cost you?

Which court?

by the child.

What about the child? Alimentation, the procedure for communication, deprivation of parental rights?

You are some stupid! I called you in one of the offices and I was immediately told: 80,000 r!

Well, let’s have 75 000R!

Why so expensive?

What did you answer in the previous office?

They said it was expensive because it was a child.

Well here! It is expensive because it is a child.

Could it be cheaper?

Describe the situation in more detail!

How incomprehensible you are! trial of the child.

Oh I understood! The case is really difficult, we also have 80,000 r.



He dropped the phone.

The lake is deserved.

Strange people, these people.
They stumble on their important and not very affairs, meet-disappear, get acquainted-fight... Sometimes a temporary acquaintance grows into friendship, and sometimes they turn into enemies in the same place... Sometimes such changes take years, and sometimes seconds decide a lot...
And from the simplest cases, when "they are only two", to collectives of various shapes, compositions and sizes...

The electric car dropped its fast country run and began to move solidly from station to station. A familiar situation for many, when the electric train crosses the city line and is soon final, but there are a few stops before it.
In the Tambour, waiting for a suitable station, one of these groups of completely unfamiliar people was formed:
The grandfather is rural, not tall. Despite its years, it is quite strong, such as they still say - residential. Barbed/washed, in a clean but not smooth suit. Probably since the morning I have already missed a glass, and maybe not one, the smell is. But those who drank it to name my tongue would not turn, such a good grandfather, shining of happiness, apparently thanks, and despite the early hour...
- A couple of girls, apparently PTU-shnits (sorry, maybe college girls at present). The clothes are quite challenging - and the top is not a pattern of chastity, and the bottom is short. Hairstyles and aggressive makeup match the overall image. Through the intersection of the wheels, they seem to know much more in their years than they should. sharp on the tongue, slightly chubby, procrastinated voices.
A middle-aged woman is called a “grey mouse.” I’t have paid any attention if it hadn’t been her look, even slightly silenced by the lenses of her glasses. Add a strict style of clothing and a way to stick...I would say that this is a teacher.
The body is stronger than the average. Not sleepy, hair and clothes are not the model for an effective manager. The mood is also not very - obviously something was that I had to go from nature to the dull jungle in such a morning... stood for myself, did not touch anyone, contemplated the surroundings...
There were a few others, but let me call them spectators.

Initially, the disposition was about this: the grandfather quickly got his brave mood with quotes about the moral foundations of his youth, as well as the teacher in an attempt to attract her as a world judge. The teacher did not approve of the morning smell from the grandfather, nor the shape of clothes/makeup/theme of conversations of the PTU-shnits. And the girls because of the peculiarities of age/education were against all who were not with them... I didn’t want to spoil the still relatively peaceful situation with possible sounds at elevated tones in connection with the every second deepening contradictions, so I pulled away my grandfather from talking about philosophical topics. He found a grateful listener in my face and a fragile ceasefire was restored in the tambour.

The truce, however, did not last long. It floated in the tambour. This creature was female, it is unclear by what winds it was taken into public transportation. In that, not a simple age, when attractiveness and associated preferences are already decreasing, and self-esteem still continues to grow at a stormy rate.
The first came to the grandfather: "In her house it is not customary to chew even gardeners from the morning."
Then to the PTU girls: "the age has not yet come out, and already prostitutes, which in itself is simply unthinkable in her house."
Then the teacher said, “Such a disgusting perfume in her house is forbidden to use even in the toilet.”
Then it went around, to the indifferent spectators so far...
Madam, due to high, but specific qualifications, in a few seconds of her stay in the tambour, managed to unite a diverse people, previously partially dispersed by contradictions, and partially indifferent to everything, into a collective that had a common goal. A deceitful silence.
Events were unfolding at an increasingly rapid pace. The people were still thinking about adequate countermeasures, when a full-fledged middle-aged man entered the tamper, stuck with his nose in some gadget. Judging by the thickness of the glasses, the man has a strong myopia. He did not pay much attention to the surrounding reality, and from the proximity of the gadget to the nose, he seemed to be touched. Whether he really came to her feet, or whether such a possibility was purely theoretical, remained unclear within this story.

“Well, I’m in my house, I’m beaten up in the middle of the white day!!!” - the silence went into a whisper, and the man, who had not yet entered, had already been involved in our fun tamper intercom. He had not yet realized that he was accused of something, and Madame had already triumphantly regarded me, the hairy boy, as a defender of the offended honor.
The troubled boy, inspired by his, then my gaze, apparently decided that there is no point in postponing further. He straightened his shoulders, fixed his scratched hair and said to the offender with a terrible tone: "Man, you have a problem!“”
The man, somewhat frightened, looked at him from behind his thick glasses: "What happened?" Apparently he suggested in a harsh tone that they would be beating, but for what he did not understand. The guy terribly continued: "Man, the lady openly tells you that no one is shouting at her house!!! Do you mean that doesn’t mean anything to you?“”

After a fraction of a second pause, the grandfather laughed, then flew to the offender man and took the PTU-shnits in their hands: "Well, what, she is so terrible? They want a little female happiness too. You are a good man, and so on.” The man immediately covered with steam (and how do you think when they take their hands and slightly press them to themselves two cute young creatures, although not quite corresponding to the moral appearance of the builders of communism). But he found strength in himself and lifted up one of the virgins in the air and showed the whole tambour the engagement ring on the nameless finger: "I am married!"He breathed out of himself, not even understandably with pride or regret.
However, the teacher did not let him take advantage of this ghostly chance: "Man, the woman's problem is apparently so aggravated that she is forced to turn to you, even despite the presence of people in the tambour. Is it not in your power to help a man who has been able to cross through...
Finish the phrase didn't work out - until madam came to know that it was all about her! The face took the combat color of the beetle, the roar of the wounded beluga about the upcoming punishments for our tambour broke out of the throat, and with the dexterity of a very frightened rhinoceros she jumped back into the car and began to lay a path for herself somewhere there, in the invisible for us given.
The point was placed by the grandfather, shaking the man's hand on his shoulder, the second pointing to the back that was moving away: "Look, look, and yours went, went... I was upset with the dick... Find out soon what people will think!"

Through the natural disaster that broke through the wagon, the people could not understand the reason for the cheerful laughter of our suddenly so friendly tambour.
At the beginning of the story, the boy smiled. A short-sighted man, forced and unexpectedly played for himself not the last role, finally understood everything and laughed. The spectators knocked in the palms, and strangers, the main characters of this story that unexpectedly united, looked at each other with fun and no longer curled from the light smell of alcohol from the grandfather, nor from the fairly loose shape of the clothes of the PTU-shnits, nor from the strict look of the teacher.
Even for a short time, but they were a great team.

Calls Lavrov Shoigu after the President’s address to the Federal Assembly and says:
“Listen, Kozhugetovich, don’t worry about New York, I have a daughter there.
Shoigu answered:
Yes I know. Fursenko also called for the United States. Mizulina asked for Belgium not to beat, Zhirinovsky for Switzerland, and Zheleznyak for London. Others of us called, the list is really big... Listen, Lavrov, where to hit then in case of what?
Dolls in Novgorod.
Why in Novgorod?
We have two of them.

When the trees were big, and I was going to the kindergarten, the teacher instructed us to bring a box with buttons from the house, said we will learn to sew. Mother selected for this case a "chestnut" from under the cookies and collected the most beautiful bottles that were in the house, of different shapes and sizes, and among them there was no one like the others.

The next day we were given cats mouths of fabric, and we had to sew their eyes and nose to them. I was distracted, but I didn’t have two identical buttons to make my eyes. But the teacher said that nothing terrible, the receptions are different. It is said - done, the eyes are sewn, the best nose is chosen. And then the educator says, "If someone wants, give their kittens and I'll come to them bats," of course, everyone immediately set up in a row, but when it came to me, she is like this: "Listen, your bats don't need, he has one eye broken, which means he's street, and where does the street cat have bats? » As I cried, I didn’t think my cat was street, it seemed to me the most beautiful. In general, I took my cat home, and I gave him a rough band, thereby restoring justice.

I ordered a pizza at 2 p.m. I want to eat very much, but there is no pizza and no... I call back and find out that my order is lost! I express my great dissatisfaction with aggression. I refuse to order, throw the phone and order at another pizzeria.

5 minutes ago (4: 18) I open the door to the courier, and there are two of them in different caps ))

The first courier gives me two pizzas (presents) and a note - "We are obliged to feed you."

The second courier with the pizza I ordered from the competitors...

I wonder what they talked about in the tambour.



In short, I sit like a ninja turtle with three pizzas.

I remember when I was a child, it was the early 90s, I was 7, my mom took me to the market. Who remembers those times, in addition to having problems with money, there were still huge queues for almost everything. I approach the turn for the sausage, my mom gives me the money for 400 grams of sausage, and she clearly makes the calculation. She goes for some other goods, says, until the turn comes I will return. It went wrong. My turn has come, I say 400 grams of this sausage, the seller cuts off, lies on the weights of 480 grams - I say

I have 400 grams in calculation.

Seller - You're shaking my head, I'm on my turn

It’s not my fault that you can’t measure a piece of sausage accurately.

Oh, how smart you are, figured you, not the sausage. Behind me in the queue stood an uncle, saying, I will take this piece, and cut it off to him. It cuts 360 grams. Uncle says, you see whether you have problems with your eyes or your hands, and you are on the boy. The seller turned red, began to whisper - a man you allow yourself to go on in this spirit. I took the sausage and gave it, and went to the side. The seller waited a long time.

What is a DDoS attack?

This is when 100,000 people think of you at the same time and you die from hiccups.

Yyy: When in the route all passengers with 500 rubles.

zzz: What the passengers are chernalyon, and all of these five hundred are cheating on you. The pockets are fast clogged, passengers continue to throw banknotes where they should not throw them. In the end, you die from excess paper in the body.

The shit with ambitions not only does not sink, it is straight - flows over the water.