The woman looks into the refrigerator:

Will you love me if I get fat?

Will you love me if I become lazy?

Oh, you are such a beast!

In order to push your line, you do not have to bend.

Looking at how people wear masks, I began to understand why condoms don’t help.

My aunt walked in her youth while her uncle was on the flight (he was a sailor, all according to the classics). Their daughter was 9 years old. I don't know if she was offended by her father, but she told him about a stranger's uncle in her father's absence.

The uncle forgave his aunt because he loved and loved his aunt so much. They have lived together for 40 years. But here the daughter remained such an extortion and a traitor for both mother and father, as strange as it is.

My daughter was five years old. We went with her to the beach. She asks me.

Will your mom not argue that you’re looking at the other aunt?

How will she know?

I will tell her!

I’m in the road, behind me two very silent aunts “talking.” Even while I was in the headphones, listening to the audio book, I couldn’t help but hear their dialogue. So then:

My one has broken again!

You are what! And with whom?

You won’t believe it, again!

What is he missing with you?

I don’t know what this cage needs.

– So you’re that, call Man’s husband again, let him study again.

It is a pity that he will go back to traumatology.

What will you do?

I don’t know, maybe I’ll go to Toledo. He is good.

He drinks so.

- And what, drinking does not beat, you were with him while he lived, and he did not touch you with his finger!

This is a wild love multi-angle.

I was invited to my birthday at the pizzeria. The table is covered, everything is beautiful, but for alcohol in the menu only vodka, beer, wine and champagne. A friend of the nominee says that she drinks only a certain type of cognac, the rest can be bad for her. A friend gives me money and asks me to go to the supermarket, buy this same cognac, pour it into a plastic bottle (so that in the cafe they don’t argue about their diarrhea alcohol) and bring it back to the pizzeria.

I take the money, buy a cognac and a bottle of cold tea in the supermarket, go out and begin to spill the content near the bench. A woman passes by and asks with a smile:

“Are you also at the parental meeting?”

A long time ago a friend told me.



I went to the village once after working with my parents. Driving very far. He left the city, travelled on the federal road, turned on a secondary road. I see a girl standing and voting. I don't like to take strangers, but this time I decided to stop, because I already started to fall asleep and thought that the conversation with the girl would excite me.



Asked where she wanted to go, she replied that in one of the villages on the way. We went, we went, we talked. Communicated mainly on general human topics, such as weather, work, politics. It turned out that the girl was married, her husband was a watchdog, she worked in her village as a nurse, went to the city to submit documents to the medical institute. Time has passed unnoticed, there is very little to go. And suddenly she asks, “Listen, and how do I better calculate the way with you?” I wore up. What does it mean how? I did not plan to pay for the trip. She noticed my confusion and added, “Just with money is the tension right now. They are, and I can give a little, but it is better to pay naturally.” I stopped blinking, afraid of luck to scare. The girl is young, very beautiful face, figurative. “Surely my husband has been on the guard for a long time,” it whispered in my head. Can you kill two rabbits at the same time? And for travel to calculate and craving for a man to ease. Without looking at her, he replied, “Maybe in nature.” I felt red at that moment. Tom has agreed.



We went to her village, showed her how to get home, stopped at the gate. She came out of the car: “Everything is in power, we calculate nature?” I cried out. “Wait here a little,” she said and went into the yard. Maybe she decided to put the bed in order, maybe herself. I shut down the engine, removed the keys in the bag. I have never smiled more than then, probably never. I screamed, I turned my head to the sound and suddenly sweated - a strong man with a tail in his hand came out of the courtyard and confidently moved to my side. I picked out the key from the car from the bag, with shaking hands, I began to convulsively tick it into the ignition lock. The man approached and leaned to the open window: “I understand that you agreed with my wife to pay naturally?” I just loudly swallowed the saliva. The man pulled a plastic bag out of the window: “Thank you, friend, for entering the position. Behold, you have two dozen eggs, but you do not leave, I will cut off the meat in the pot now and bring it to you.”



I remember further events confusingly. He took the meat, left, and went to his parents. Only then exhaled.

Once upon a time, one not too thoughtful on the language, a member of the parliament cast in a granite that, say, even the most miserable state speaker is much smarter and more competent than any person on the street. Only this delusion, raised to the rank of axioms, can explain the fact that the State Duma always appreciates the work of the government. Unlike the street.

Wedding in Paganini.
Another wedding story told me by a brother of a friend I knew who knew a man who remembered a man who heard this story from the original source. That is, I tell the story from the first mouth, the words of the direct participant.
So, there is an ordinary city wedding in not the cheapest restaurant of the city of G. Most of the people present at the wedding were respected people in the city, refined intellectuals and newspapers. The rest came to specific boys from the working area, with all their irrevocable attributes, sweet habits and the manner of dressing for solemn events. The fact is that the bridegroom, who began his life path in this same quarter, although he got out in the people, but retained his loyalty to the roots, and considered it a duty of honor to invite old friends to the wedding.
Before the beginning of the feast, the bridegroom approached the tamade and warned: among the guests are persons unloaded with sophisticated manners and the lexicon of the erudite. In an elevated mood, these guys are able to bring some inconvenience to other guests, up to heavy bodily. Nevertheless, they should feel the atmosphere of the holiday fully, as they are desirable guests. Tamada smiled and said he had a solution.
After the first three drinks, Tamada took the microphone and put on an unambiguous chelling:
I ask strong men who are not afraid to test their strength to take part in the contest.
Every word in this phrase was in its place, every word grew out in the already playful soul of the proletariat. Therefore, a whole dozen boys stood up friendly, coughed and approached the front seat with almost a strut box. The remaining guests, due to various circumstances, did not dilute the homogeneous group with foreign elements.
The victorious title of the competition we will drop, stopping only on its essence: the winner is recognized by a team of 3 people, who all drinks 3 bottles of vodka faster. The roles in the team are clearly distributed: one pouches a glass, the other drinks it, the third at this time snacks. Then everyone changes roles and repeats the script. The algorithm ends at the bottom of the third bottle.
According to the eyewitness, all the temporary teams showed a great team game, the players masterfully performed each time a new role, while demonstrating a sense of elbow and care for teammates. This resulted in a very equal confrontation between the teams. As a result, the winners who managed to cope with the half-toralite of the cosrylovka, only a few seconds ahead of the outsiders.
After the distribution of laurels, the whole company went to smoke, and in the smoking room soon broke up with each other, and less than an hour later they all split up as best friends. The total time spent by the boys at the table could hardly be counted as two hours, and by nine o’clock all the proletarian wives received the satisfied bodies of their faithful.
The marriage, which was abandoned by the proletariat, continued in an actful and noble manner, as one character said:
- all like a parade, a towel - there, a tie - here, yes "sorry", yes "please-thank you", and so, really, it is not.
After some time, the bridegroom received a positive response about the event from all participants of the UH team. Everyone, like one, claimed to have witnessed a fairy holiday, without boredom and decadence.
In the words of one of the guests:
This is fucking, yes. Fast, clear and fun. Or the other tamads as Moody will start to spin that by the end of the wedding you start to be sober. Or vice versa, at 2 p.m. you get into the monkey, and tomorrow you go to work in the day. And your tamada is beautiful, everything was crushed, everyone got what they wanted, and 8 in the morning they went out. Give me his phone.

I don’t understand why doctors and teachers and other unconscious citizens complain that they have to work at two rates. After all, our top managers, in addition to nominal positions, sit in dozens of board of directors. Nothing, they are not roaring. They courageously carry their cross.

In the universe there was a ugly economist, a hysterical grandmother, whispering and feeding. I thought that if I were her husband, I would have escaped. And here we came to the exam, took the tickets, sat down on one of the balls and we prepare. I was like 12. And here is the first ten, all 4k and 5k. A girl sat in front of me to answer. Here the preacher looks at the information and says, "Oh, something I am so good, the dean will not understand." She begins to shake the girl. On the correct answer, you “don’t know anything” and put a trio. The girl is a good-looking, clever girl, she begins to cry from insult, her father with a scream drives her out. It is my turn, I also answer, all right, only my own words. Prepod says, I put a three, we need from the book, quotes. I understand that it is impossible to cry, although in the throat of someone from this unfortunate insult, I quietly but firmly ask you to surrender, because I have a scholarship and family problems, please enter the position. She replied, "And someone was in the situation when my husband and my child left me!" O_O



I ask again. He is sent to the p.n. at 8 a.m. The exam was on Friday. As a result, all the weekends I studied, squeezed as not to myself, 2 days did not sleep, coffee is my best friend. I came to the universe at 7 a.m., and there everyone was already gathered for the transfer (however, you understand this now, fuck it all, and then it is important, and the scholarship still). In the end, we only managed to find her at 11 in the universe, then she left, then she had a meeting. We sat down and got tickets. Here comes a guy from another group and gives her a bouquet of roses. It was something, she smiled, her face even changed. I sat down to answer, scratching all the questions like a book. As a result, she smells the flowers and says, "Katyusha, I would put 5 but I can't, because we are on the resale. And yes, you answer your own words next time, not like a book.”



I wanted to move her. I left the office and just got rid of the stress. I went home and slept for 24 hours. Thank God, we didn’t have any more items.



P. S. Karpov, what a creature you are!

At work, the truck driver comes in the morning sad - I ask what happened? He says his wife burned her mistress. How did it happen?

- Yes, my wife left for a weekend at work, I decided to go with a friend to the river "fish half." The children were left with no one (boy and girl, 6 and 4 years old). I took it with me.



The curtain.

There was some ridiculous situation today, and I didn’t even understand what happened. I describe how it was.

He went for business in Mytišti (there are Grinders for knives, and he had to take a couple of new ways). It happened between 12 and 13 hours.

I go out of the station, take a shaurma, stand and eat quietly, looking at the sides from nothing, and by the edge of my eyes I see a man, the most ordinary. Because I did not rush anywhere, and there was nothing to look at anymore, a little swing. He is drinking beer and not touching anyone. Suddenly, a police bucket, which stood 30 meters away, comes in, leaves a few guys in shape, catches him, puts him in the car, and goes.

They also travel 30 meters, throw it out of the car and go on. The man stands up, tears off his pants, runs 10 meters to the nearby lady, and they start sickly sucking. Passionately so, at the same time, she did not scream, did not resist, as if she had been married for 20 years, and he only turned away from the Zone.

Then, after pumping, the man goes to a small store, leaves there with a bowl of beer, begins to drink it, and the woman quietly sits in the road, and on this the temporary loop closed, bringing everything back to the beginning.

And it all took me 15 minutes while I silently ate the shaurma and wavered at the speed of events.

My daughters are 16. She recently came to me and stated that I don’t like her (right with a full set, tears, soppes), because, attention! I control too little and allow too much.

It turns out that all her friends need to go home immediately after school.

And I have my permission to walk, and I don't shake the calls that it's time to go home and so on. The main thing would have been done and after 22: 00 was home iron (law).

They are engaged in sections only those permitted by the parents, not what the child will choose.

I allowed her to go to football because she wanted to. My mom told me that football is not for girls, but for music.

I still don’t check her phone and don’t watch her VC. And everyone is monitored and all mothers know the passwords.

In general, I give her a choice and do not stress her control. I’m a bad mother and I don’t love her.

Such cases...

The youngest son, 5 years old, introduced the class "Financial literacy" in the kindergarten. At the first class, the children were told about salary, pensions, scholarships, benefits.

Sometimes when the son doesn’t want to go to kindergarten, we tell him that the parents go to work, the sister to school, and he goes to the kindergarten to work.

So, after the first class he asks us in the morning:

Mom and Dad! I have been working in the garden for so many years, where is my salary? I want money!

How I am bombarded! I was delivered from the United States, by ocean, for 2 months - first with a junk barge by ocean, then by a truck through half-Europe. I came to Moscow. Day of silence, two, three - on the 10th day the back number "for yesterday" appears information that the parcel has not been received by the recipient (although it has not even reached the department) and is sent back. I see - today the package lies on the sorting at the Kazan station in Moscow. I went to the post office - "We do not know anything, we did not come, go to the central office." I go there - there "we have no information about your shipment at all, go to the department where you ordered." The circle closed. I call the hotline - "oh, all the information only in the departments, all the complaints there in writing, we are generally useless shit." I call the sorting company - I explain that the package lies, I have to go 7 km before you, and if you do not give out - then the package will circle the globe for a moment. There they say to me, "Everything is predetermined, nothing to do, no, we cannot stop the shipments, everything is ruined and inevitable." I go back to my office. Suddenly I am so told that it turns out that "the index was incorrectly entered." I ask the seller to send the shipping data, drop - we look together with the employees - the index is correct on the packaging, everything is OK. Everyone breeds their hands - "well, type, everything is okay, but fuck the horse, nothing can be changed, you can only leave a written complaint." Well, what to do, I leave a complaint, attach the data from the seller, assure the head of OPS.



The parcel goes back through all of Europe on a freight car, loads on a barge, again a month and a half sails to the U.S. across the ocean, there goes to the desired city, the seller comes to the office, taking on the phone receives the box and immediately sends it back, not unpacking, removing only excess papers. The package goes by truck to the coast, loads on the already favorite barge, another month and a half, Germany, the Czech Republic, Poland, Belarus, and here's the shit - and I calmly get it in the department! All the same box that was sent the first time, with the same address! Is that shit to call it?



And the complaint? And what the complaint, 45 days later the letter came - "we are very sad that you do not like our services, but you are a fool, the address was entered incorrectly, we wish you not to be such a fool in the trail. once.” They did not even read the complaint, apparently the text of the response is automatically generated because of the package specified to the track on the last day of the response deadline.

And what about the fact that when you choose your date of birth in any form on the Internet, before you had to go through a little bit. And now you’re wrapping up, wrapping up, wrapping up...

The house is not built from the foundation, but from the roof.

About thugs and fools.

There is such a country far away. of New Zealand. A long and expensive journey there. Really shit of the world.
The fact 1. The government of the country has ruled that anyone who for any reason is stuck on the islands and has no money to get home will be able to fly back at the expense of the state. Anywhere in the world. But if he ever decides to return, then when he returns he will have to return NZ that money. What a small hole, will say the lovers of the hole.
The fact 2. Elections are coming in the country. One of the programs discussed is the offer of a helicopter: all citizens of the country regardless of age, status and nationality receive $250 a week. $36,500 a year for the simple possession of a passport for a family of 3 people. Not badly? What a fool, will our especially gifted economists say. Inflation, depreciation and so on. Where they will get the money, our even more gifted ministers, who get hundreds of millions for what is unclear, will say. But not everything is so simple. In the first, there is no minister with an annual salary of $10 million. Everyone works professionally. Secondly, all social benefits are cancelled, except for single, such as payment for a unique operation for sick children. In the third, it becomes profitable to work with anyone and as much as you want. And no one will take this payment as unemployment allowance if you suddenly want to work. In the fourth, the incredible number of unemployed people who issue and control benefits is decreasing. Working becomes profitable. Families with children are given a forum in front of the single ones. The calculations indicate that the helicopter has arrived! Given that payments stimulate labor and production, not police and officials, inflation is not visible from the word at all. Let’s see who and where the real idiots are.

It is very unfortunate that our so-called deputies, who have personally created personal aquariums, will never create anything like this for people. You will draw your own conclusions from history.