The older sister holds her 4-year-old niece, the daughter of her younger sister, on her knees. She turns around, looking at the eyebrows in her ears: "Aunt Galia, what beautiful eyebrows you have!" Aunt Galli is in a bad mood, sick, and replies to her, “I will die, you will get it.” The cousin thought, “Go now, you’ll die anyway!“”

According to the results of the MAKS-2019 air show signed a contract for the supply to Turkey of a large batch of ice cream.

Beginning of year. When the children go to the first class, the teacher asks:

Are there poor people? Application for free meals

One hand rises.

All parents turn to the “failed.”

A mountain of contempt and satisfaction.



5 the class.

Are there poor people?

The forest of hands rises.

The state is not impoverished...

Just that: returning from a late walk to the source of food, he walked through a wide alley, where the shelves stood on the sides. I decided to sit down and rest. Just on the side, on the contrary, a guy sits on the bench and looks at the phone.

The hallway, by the way, is very bright, you can read books at night.

There are two girls passing by, classically discharged in minis and shorts, and walking something intermediate between a dog, a rat and a squirrel, without a leash.

For an unknown reason, the girls fell asleep to smoke and talk about "life" between me and the guy. And, for the same unknown reason, their mini-mutant with open eyes begins, squeezing, to whip an innocent guy.

He first looks silently at the saucer, then at the girl. The slide reduces the distance and increases the frequency of sound oscillations. The guy, trying to break through them, polently asks the girls to attach the animal to the thread, but they ignore the request. The second request is accompanied by an unclear answer such as "what does it not bother."

Here, the saucer, apparently getting the spiritual support of his guardians, clings to the poor guy in the trousers.

I was ready for a fierce clash of all four participants with each other, but the guy reluctantly removed the phone in his jacket, lifted the seam behind the necklace, removed it from the trousers, and carefully put it... in the trash.  Such, you know, cylindrical shape, which on the pillars of the lighthouse attached over the ground.

He took on his deeds.

To get out of the bottom of the garbage, the sewing could not, and exploded with an even louder nervous crackling.

The girls, of course, rushed to save their "miracle", and began to shout the dissolving shadow of the guy of threat and insult of the most different degrees of decency.

Listening to this stream to the end I did not decide, and also rushed home.

The boy comes in the morning and says:

If you like a girl at work, give her a flower.

Wife: what, b##

No one contributes so much to the development of domestic tourism as food suppliers with a ban on traveling abroad.

The camera history.

One Saturday morning, I got a call from the department.
And Alexander Georgievich?
He is the same.
This is area. Please come to my office with your IS-12.
Just with him?
Others are not interested.
has arrived. There, at the entrance, a sergeant waits and you have to go through a long corridor, behind the turn of which the section office. I was not there, but I found it.
Hi to you.
Hi to you.
and here.
Staley looked at the permit, swirled the number with iron.
and all.
All of it? What happened to that?
Murder with the use of 12 caliber circumcision. We are checking the presence of guns in Kiev and the region.
A. Well yes So I went?
Goodbye to you.
I go to the exit, and the sergeant does not let me on the post! He says I have to have a passport to leave! In other words, I am a fugitive.
Behold, this sergeant stuck me in a monkey near the entrance to the department, and he went out to find out.
Beauty in the monkey. A couple of bombs of both sexes, the alchemy sleeps and goodbye!
Such a goodwill, collages with Lurex, papyrus asks. Lack of bonds.
We smoke with her, we have a worldly conversation. Menta is not. Will I show you a rifle?
and Hach!! to
I gathered, gathered, gathered and gathered.
A minute later, twenty ranks higher than the starters go through the corridor.
How I was overwhelmed when they saw that from a monkey in them was targeted a 12-caliber prostitutes with a papyrus in the corner of their mouth!

I was driven out of the lie, and the prostitute was not taken with me. and sorry. We seem to have already been friends.

Humble to disgrace... After disgrace again humble.

We were 14 years old. We, it is me, Vytke, Rus (Ruslan), Slavka, Lechka.

All free time spent in the stadium, playing football (in one gate).

We come to the stadium of the countryside, bring water in a three-litre bank, drink very much wanted)))

We were sent to death by one old man, Sereza Safin.



He will come (living near the stadium), and let us wash (pnet, strike, push). Scott in one word. He is healthy, going to the army in autumn, and we are 13-14 years old.

Serrezh was taken to the army (then taken for 2 years).

Flying 2 years.

Sergey came from the army, went out to the stadium, and there we, in football, cut.

Sereza remembered how he chased us to the army, nostalgia covered him.

I came (in the parade with the axelbants),

“Well, salabons, how have you lived here while I pulled the shaft for you?”

And the lashes on the face lash with all their strength.



Here he was pleasant. All together, a lot and disorderly. He lay on the ground and just waved.

And you know, I’m not sorry for this fall. And when they say it’s unfair and unfair, I mean, it all depends on the circumstances.

My friend's boss bought an Audi cabriolet when they were still very expensive "toys" and not everyone could afford such a car. One of the objects to talk about was the shooting arches, which worked out when the car started to turn to the roof.



A few months after the purchase, he was given the opportunity to test these arches as he lost control of the steering and flew out of a depth of about 10 meters.

The bows did their job, he survived, getting rid of just a few cuts and scratches from the bushes through which he flew. He got out of the car, climbed up the top to the side of the road, and then called the police to report the incident. While he was standing there, the driver of another car, who witnessed the accident, approached to talk to him.

Approaching from behind, the eyewitness asked if he was okay. My friend’s boss turned around to answer, and fell dead. It turned out that his neck was broken, but it was whole until he turned his head and there was a spinal cord rupture.

My mom’s friend had a small house, and he lived there alone. She began to notice strange things: the soup in the pot was shrinking faster than usual, often lacking eggs in the refrigerator, damp wipes in the basket that she didn’t use, excess dishes in the dishwasher, etc. This lasted for months and she just rejected it all for her forgetfulness. One day she heard some noise on the roof and went to look to see what was going on. She saw there the resemblance of rooms which were separated between themselves by leaflets. A small radio, plate, sleeping bag, pillow, food clothes, etc. She called the cops and told them about her discovery. Police began to monitor the woman’s house. Eventually, they caught a homeless man climbing a tree and trying to penetrate the roof. It turns out he did this almost every day. I waited for her to go to work, climbed up the loft, then went down the stairs and used all the amenities in the house and refused nothing. The most funny thing about this story is that during the long trials they met each other and during the communication this person was very polite and respectful to her. As a result, she did not file charges against him and allowed him to move to himself, helped him get a job. He lived on the roof until he stood on his feet. This is such a terrible shit with the hippie end.

In his life as a student, for a couple of years he rented the floor of a private house near the main building of the university. Those who have ever lived in the private sector know that livelihoods are often pasted on lawns, along roads, etc.

One wonderful spring evening, I went on a date. The thunderstorm just shone, the evening sun warmed gently, the world was clean, shining with washed leaves and promised me a beautiful evening in the company of a girl. I put on white trousers and white shirts and headed to the bus stop. There were no people besides me at the stop. There was only a goat. A healthy goat with curved back rodents. Despite his terrible appearance, the goat did not inspire fear, as he passed peacefully not far from the stop and honored my disguised person only with a passing glance.

The buses went quite rarely, about every 30-40 minutes, so I smoked and gave in to the pleasant dreams of the upcoming date.

And this is how, dreaming and smoking, I hastily walked out along the stop. Then a train hit me behind me. In any case, I thought so. I don’t know what didn’t like to the goat: the smoke, my white clothes, or the fact of my presence where he wanted to pasture, but this cattle, coming behind my back, struck me into the fifth point with all its goat strength.

I flew three or four meters exactly. He landed in a huge hole. Should I say that my entire dress look was washed off in a second.) I stood up, turned around and looked at the goat. He stood at the stop and stared at me. In his eyes was a sense of determination and challenge. I did not accept the challenge and rushed to retreat.

The date did not happen. The back and lower back colored in colorful-lily shades and hurt for two weeks. And the goats I am now walking the tenth road.)

This is one of those episodes that happened with fictional characters in a parallel universe, of course. And the story is not so much about searching, but about the need to filter the air.



It will be about the office, which through simple manipulations turns the non-cash money of customers into cash, thereby "optimizing" the taxable base.



I woke up at 7 a.m. from the phone call of our aitišnik Vani. A good expert, by the way, codes, administers, understands tasks correctly. He can humor. Then there was a mem with a stubborn dog speaking “dratuti”.

But not this time. Now he almost shouted at the phone with an alarming voice:

Andrei, I have menta under the door. What to do?



The dream immediately fades away. In my head there is a thought: “What? Why is he at the door and not me? Is there an Ayatollah at all? Maybe it’s about something else?”

Wait and do nothing. Take the time, I will call back.



I recruit a partner, he does not respond. I call a few more people, silence. I write in Votsap: “Wani has a mint under the door.” From that side comes the message: “Let it open.” And you say, the pursuits do not know how to joke... At this same moment another SMS comes from a comrade who asks how I am doing. Neighbors called him and told him that the police were looking for him. Okay, the situation is understandable.



I call Ivan, that taratorite:

They cut off the light. I open.



I understand everything except one. Why did no one come to me? A call comes from an unknown number:



Andrei Batkovich is?

(Here is it also)

All right

Did you write and call Tom and Tom?

I wrote, I called

Are we standing at your entrance, will you meet ourselves, or will we look for you?



After registration, no one lived with us, only followed up until the entrance.

Let me go down for 5 minutes to get dressed.



I get a wife, I tell the situation. I remember if I have something on my home computer... I understand that I need to override all the correspondence and scratch all the accounts. What I should have thought before. I dress up and call the elevator. He stops in the middle of the road, and there a man in a suit looks at me, who communicates with the neighbors. Did not know? I go down where a young man sits on the bench. I come and say hello. From nowhere, two more workers fly and one goes down the staircase.



Later it turned out that the guy in the store was kind of understood. Well, okay, a man does his civil duty at 7 in the morning, I understand. Given that at the same time about 15 more addresses of our modest company were uncovered, it remains only to be surprised by the consciousness of numerous citizens who agree to such actions.



Then everything is interrupted. Boxes and cabinets, garbage cans, dirty linen boxes, all the compartments in the car on the parking lot where you could hide something. In the phone I have correspondence with figures, on the compilation of work tables. Yes, it had to be thought of before... The opera in the process lead an unforced conversation, tell each other how they went fishing, ask me questions. Only "understood" a little nervous, but nothing, get used to it yet. They then seal all the equipment and documents they find. They give a couple of instructions in the spirit: "you have been involved for more than a year, all the arrangements know for a long time, I do not advise the investigator to cast nonsense." And they are taken to the Investigative Committee on a car worth about 1.5 million. The Department of Economics can afford it.



After 14 hours of waiting without eating in the investigation and superficial interrogation, I am released as a witness. All the arrangements they really had, and during the current day of fruitful conversations, they were able to learn all that was still unclear. As a result, the investigation leaves in unpaid home leave only the organizers and those who carried the money. These guys will need more to shake out customers, the rest are free.



I then meet with the *****ishishnik, on whom this story fell:

I still don’t understand why they came to you at the door and waited for me at the entrance.

“Because someone often asked my address on the phone when I visited...

Why did you take it?

Do you know what the first thing I heard was when I opened the door?

What is?

Dramatic...

Keep the e-book - the storehouse of unpumped knowledge in the brain!

To my aunt came a friend with her husband; they flew in a ball, went to Podolsk. Apparently not far away, but while they were driving, the man - a Maltese in 100500 generation - could not understand where they were.
Eventually he issued:
Are we still in Russia?
He was categorically killed by the answer:
The guy! We are still in Moscow!

Vladimir Putin, while at the MAX air show, bought the ice cream from a vendor who probably sold it to the president in the same place two years ago.
So how much can a FSO employee keep in the sellers?
It is time for the Governor.

Friends have a second child, asking what to buy for the newborn, we are going to mark. We climb the stairs, in the hands of flowers, a cake and a bathtub, the door is opened upstairs and the father of the family runs past us with the matyugs, followed by the screams of the wounded tea tree by the wife, pulling the hand of the five-year-old roaring Andrew. We frightenedly climb into the corner and cover ourselves with a bathtub for the case. Since the spouse runs slower because of the small, then we have time to hear between the shout "how you could, and who you are after that" hospitable: "Come in, we are now."

With fear we enter and wait in the hallway.

They come back joyful, smiling, laughing, the contrast is stunning.

In short, the husband was walking with the children while the wife was preparing for the guests. When it was time to return, the husband gathered Andreushin's molds and machinery and went home with him, and left the wheelchair with the sleeping woman on the site.

After five years, they both returned home. Not used to yet.

A man is worth as much as he can give up.

I worked in a garage cooperative and talked to one of the garage owners.
Her name is Victor, aged between thirty and forty. Social and positive.
Viti complained to me about the uncomfortable location of the accounting device in his apartment.
Five-storey house with shields inside. In two apartments out of four on the site, out of the layout, the shields are at the exit at the door, in the corridor to the toilet-kitchen.
The shields are a iron plate with a counter and traffic jams attached to it.
Be healthy and often these shields break when bringing dimensional things like the piano, with drunk cottage and even when entering the apartment, when immediately after the threshold a person turns to the kitchen. His shoulder clings.
Treatment is to move the shield to the opposite side of the output so that it becomes in the corner in front of the toilet door. And you can't see it, and the work is not difficult, and the hallway will become freer.
We agreed, indicated the price, the material, the time.
I go to the apartment, a call from Victor, say I am late, delayed, but you start without me, at home, wife and child will open.
Well, okay, the less people around me crowd up at work, the better.
I knock on the door, I am opened by a woman of pre-retirement age, in appearance and manners reminiscent of a baseball. Half curly liquid hair, swollen face, vague figure, the first phrase of which was:
A electricist? You just don’t go into the apartment. Will you inherit, will you clean up?
I replied that I was choking and started unpacking.
It was his mother, I decided.
In addition to the woman in the corridor appeared a boy of seven or eight years, with a faner sword, in a helmet like the ancient knights and with a shield. All the causes were skillfully cut on a laser machine and looked awful.
I had a bag with passenger holes and a healthy plastic box for electrical tools.
The boy stumbled his sword on the boxing cover and I was worried. The cover was made of transparent plastic and closed the compartments for every small thing. I would not like to see her broken.
I moved the box to the side:
Do not do that, you will break.
The boy took a step and confidently bowed his head:
Do you know what I will do when I grow up?
I nodded my head negatively.
The boy took another step and pulled out his sword:
I will kill people like you!
Okay, I think the work begins.
I tell the guy out loud not to bother and turn to the bag for passages.
I turn back and almost pull my eye out of the blade of the sword (the sharp tip). The child holds him on extended arms in the direction of my face.
Stop, I say, do not interfere. Why are you doing this at all?
The boy smiles:
Do you dry?
Well, I think, and I call a woman. So, say and say, take away the child - work is hindering, the more I drive with the tool - dressed unintentionally, be kind, lead the child.
The woman’s reaction is striking. He puts his hands on his side:
What did the child not please you? Look at who’s hindering it?
He’s in his hand, I can catch it.
I will catch you! I will catch you so!
I crack, I say that I cannot work in such conditions, that I will come when the child is not at home, I begin to collect the tool.
The woman pulls her hand.
Okay sit here. I was joking. All such gentle straight steel - do not say a word. The princes, the fuck.
He grabs the boy’s hand and goes into a small room. Close the door.
I breathe out and start working.
I roll through the outpost, attach a new box, remove the old shield from the fittings, then knock on the door.
The TV is playing in the room, no more sounds.
I need to warn you that I will turn off the electricity. So I knock louder. I wait.
I knock again with my fist at the door. It shrinks and shrinks. On the threshold this aunt with an unhappy face:
Knock on your head! Are you opponent?
I need to turn off the electricity for half an hour, I answer, I warn.
She measures me with a glance, then pulls a voice:
Nanna is fine.
The door closes, I collect the shield, put new machines, prepare everything so that there is as little work as possible after draining.
After five minutes, I cut off the machine on the site and remove the counter from the old base.
At the door of the room, a aunt stands, bowing her head and says in a tired voice:
- I fucking jumped, not a cartoon...What didn’t you wait for?
I don't understand anything, I ask what I should have been waiting for, what cartoon and what spicy food additives are here?
She explains:
A multicolor knocked for Vitalky to sit quietly. You cut it all. A young man.
I have warned.
Did I say “you can”?
I breathe, say “good” and go to collect the shield.
Vitalka comes out of the room with a sword and helmet, standing and quietly watching.
It stresses, but not very much.
At the moment when I’m forging in my bag looking for a cartridge there, I suddenly get hit by the blade of the sword in the side. The blow is very painful. I scream and jump on my feet.
Vitalka rushes when she has time to jump back to the door of the room.
“I will kill,” he tells me, and with his two hands he strikes with a sword.
- Again, I will throw this stick out of you, I tell him, frankly psychotic. My intentions are the most serious. To be honest, I barely restrained to not strike him.
He stands and slides.
I turn to the shield, I hear the noise, and I get hit with a sword in my hand. If I didn’t turn, I would get in my back.
I catch the sword, pull it out of the kid’s hand and throw it on the kitchen floor.
This devil begins to whisper, as if I had poured it with holy water. He strikes his face toward the sky and shakes his fists in the air.
It was like a pig being cut. Dumb saw, soaked in salic acid.
The aunt jumps out, holds the child on her arms, screams:
What are you creating? Why is he orphan?
The child catches the air in his mouth:
He, he, my sword, the sword, the sword, the sword!
He cries and cries at the same time.
The woman pushes me into the chest with her free hand, the second presses the boy to herself:
“Well, I’ll deal with you right now, you’re all fucking, fucker?
I throw her hand to the side, I get the phone, I say I call Victor, the aunt whispers:
Call me, call me, call Gorbachev.
It is absurd, you know.
I call.
Unfortunately, I cannot finish the work.
What is?
I am not allowed to work your child and your mother.
Here Victor gives a phrase from which I fall into a light stupor:
The mother? What a mother? A! Mother of Vitaly? My wife? What is it?
In short, it is his wife. The Mothers! The Wife! Victor himself is clearly younger and much more sporty. Not strong in male beauty, but in terms of body structure, Victor is well folded. I think the twenty-five-year-old girl looks at him. Especially because there is something in his face from Banderas.
But in front of me is his wife, whom I have adopted as his mother, looking like a market seed trader, recently out of the third term.
The cognitive dissonance.
How there? The opposites agree? The perfect visualization.
Okay, she may be in bed a goddess and cooking brilliantly.
- The child interferes with me, falls under his hand, ticks a sword, his wife doesn't look at him, Victor, forgive me, but if something happens to Vitalik or he will shine in my eye?
He is silent, then says it will be fine, and hangs the phone. Almost immediately the phone in the room rings and his wife and Vitalka stumble there.
The baby hangs on his mother’s shoulder and his face is like this... I know how Hitler looked at his age.
The woman responds to the telephone with a shy voice:
– I’m not... He, you understand, took and... No, no, of course, Vitenka, I’m a little bit of a simple...
She ends up and goes into the kitchen, mirroring me. Vitaly will shake.
Fire, mountains clear, I think...
I am tired, I continue to work.
I finish, turn on the light, ask the woman to check, I call the owner myself, find out when he will be.
Victor responds that he is now entering the entrance.
Okay I wait.
Aunt walks around the rooms and checks all the sockets, ticks the flat and blows the switches. Vitalka drinks the morse in the kitchen, occasionally rising from behind the door with a sword in his hand. Almost an idyll.
Victor enters, examines the work, listens to my explanations, sneezes, then calls into the big room and points to the luster:
Two of the six lamps do not burn. It has changed, apparently in the ammunition. You are how? Can you fix?
He gives me money:
Hold on, count again, I hit there for harmfulness...
He dropped five hundred, which is not very much, but still.
Thank you, I don’t do anything about the lights. Easier to buy new.
Okay, I will buy it. to hang?
I have no time to answer. From the corridor are distributed fast and loud plastic cotton. I clearly understand that this is beating with a faner sword on my boxing.
The same is true - Vitalka crumbles on the plastic lid, seeing us with his father, jumping back and crumbling with all the dough on the already installed plastic shield with machines and a counter.
The third time! Fast and fast.
The sword is thick, the edges seem to be sharpened (apparently the owners themselves have already made it), a massive pen, a sharp tip. In short, this is enough to break the Chinese plastic and destroy the interior of the shield. The face panel flew away, the side wall split.
Scars fly from the box, cotton is distributed and lights are extinguished in the hallway and in the kitchen, after - Vitalik's wild whisper.
Victor roars at his son, he masks his sword into our side and runs into the room, where he is caught by a mommy, who is scared to hide inside.
Victor opened the door with a blow of his hand, I heard whispers, bullshit, a child’s scream, then a crack and a broken sword flew out into the corridor, followed by a melted helmet.
I enjoy. A chair, a puddle and a cigar. I would watch this picture for 24 hours.
The whistle is turned off after Victor’s scream: “Silence!“Then some incomprehensible noise and the master appears on the threshold.
“That’s the same,” he said, breathing hard, “what will it cost to do all that?
We go with him to the store, buy the shield again, return, change, collect everything inside, get money.
I suddenly feel sorry for Victor. He is standing like lost by the window, his face is like he is crying now.
The box covers broke, but I was silent. I’ll go home, I think.
Then comes the realization of how happy I am and with that thought I leave the apartment.
Author: Sergelektrik

After the world trip, Fedor Konyukhov was going to rest.
But Motherland said, “It’s not time to relax, Fedor! This is a robot costume.