A friend bought me a roulette for tea.
She: I have taken hostages of those who are so dear to you. If you want to get them whole and unharmed, you must bring a ransom in the amount of 98 rubles. Know that every hour from the moment you receive a message, you will lose one of them.
I: We are not negotiating with terrorists.
Don’t play with my appetite, girl.

Wife: Zaya, let’s get a cat.
Husband: all the grandmothers who have 15-20 cats started with this...=)
Wife: I am old!? to

Discussion of the next bill on the Habrah:

I know that I think these are not laws, they are cries for help. Imagine a man who was locked in one of the huge rooms of the Kremlin many years ago. He has no other connection to the outside world except to lawmaking and television. And this person is trying to tell us something, something very important, but all the notes he passes out are not checked because they are not laws.
And now he’s trying to contact us in this way – he’s issuing crazy laws that are meant to encourage people to find that person and release him. And I think his strength is at an end, now he has fully invested in this last summer run. Man needs our help.

Advertising in the universe
Dean: I created it.
5x5 without leaves.
by Liu Bang.

Well, here’s my story about the mail) Sometimes it seemed that most stories were gently speaking exaggerated. No, it is much worse.
So, I had to send a package to Kazakhstan. It was so funny to see her on their website as she was 4 months (!No, he does not even travel through the vast spaces of the vast, but lies quietly in the distribution point. I got it back (and thank you for it!) with the wording "expired storage period" and the assurance that in Kazakhstan she visited, just no one took. But that’s not all, you won’t believe: there are traces of blood left on the packaging.
I do not know what to think. Is the Russian Post a secret religious organization that is engaged in sacrifices?
The packaging is kept for memory.

According to the news, Lukashenko caught in the river Pripyat soma weighing 57 kg.by :

Sum criticized Lukashenko's policy and ran to the Ukrainian border

3dMax: Grey, are you here?
[14:07:10] Gray Nayada: here
[14:08:10] 3dMax: local ladies asked me a question
[14:08:21] 3dMax: why when a man sits, he looks at his penis
[14:10:15] Grey Naïda: inspects the appearance (all for you, cute women), the pressure of the stream, the color and the aesthetic indications or the spilled content.
[14:12:04] Gray Nayada: Plus we need to get into the toilet, not what babies, post not miss the ass by the point
[14:18:51] 3dMax: these five
[14:22:07] Grey Nayada: what is the audience’s option?
[14:22:11] 3dMax: but, they say, once I looked and turned away, I watched constantly
[14:22:18] 3dMax: young
[14:22:27] 3dMax
[14:22:37] Grey Nayada: offer to go together to see
[14:22:45] Grey Nayada: You won’t explain this
[14:23:10] 3dMax: Do you think all the downsides will disappear at once?
[14:23:55] Gray Nayada: Yes, you can always watch the water flow. So this is a local fragment of the eternity of the yellow color, generated by you and consumed by the cave monster.
[14:24:08] Grey Nayada: You have to look shorter
[14:29:36] 3dMax: Your answers delighted the local contingent

I went to the veterinarian for the first time.
What kind of cat do you have?
My mother is British, my father is a lawyer.
It will go far...

After the army, food has only two parameters: how much it is and whether it is hot.

My experience so far convinces me that there are two signs of the zodiac: Man-Man and Man-Fuck. I have no relationship with the second. c) the level

I don’t live at work, I’m gone.
2: You have a phone on Android and charging for it is only available at work.
1st Fuck it :(

You forgive me for being rude, but you’ve tried to call every woman who writes here a dumb shit and every man who writes here a goat! And stop crying about your family problems - for this there is a psychologist, and nobody will sympathize with it - they will only call and fuck!

And here people want to get distracted from work and honor something easy and non-obsessive!!! Stop the shit! Humor and jokes in the studio!

Just God gave us with you a different type of brain. My thinks in a certain way, and yours just balances your ass.

The humor of dieters. If your daily calorie intake is 2000 kcal, you can eat up to 4 kg of beets per day.

We had a soldier humor. American and Russian generals inspect the dining room.
The American:
The daily calorie intake of the American soldier’s food is 3000 kcal.
The Russian general thinks for a moment and then says:
“No, our soldier won’t eat that much trousers.

Russia is an amazing country. Here people with a salary of 150 thousand established a subsistence minimum for people with a salary of 6 thousand. It is physically impossible to live with this money for a month, at least because utilities make up 70% of this minimum. But they live, and they survive!

We have a positive company.
On the bench at the entrance stands a mini-flag with a flag with the name of the company.
On the sharp top of the flagship, a plush protein from the ice age is worn with a butt, which has open eyes. He has been there for at least six months.
And past the whole management (near the cabinet of the gentrician) and representatives of the customer.

Alexander: I didn’t seem to have noticed the massacre of the masochist.)
Tagged: masochist
Anastasia: masochist is already the master of the masochist order)))

I walk in the street and a police officer is in front of me. And here some car enters from the roadway to the sidewalk directly through the border and lawn. From the car flies out a man "two on two" and catches the police with one hand for the shovel, the other for the hair, and almost lifting it, pulls in the direction of the car. Out of the car comes a crying girl, with a flowing body, whispering with her nose. Man riding almost raising the mint semi-horizontal (!Then he asked her, “Is this?” and “Is this?”The girl negatively masks her head, shakes. The man releases mint (from the position in which he held it) and it just falls to the ground like a bag of potatoes. Both are in the car and on gas. The police officer for all this time did not say a word and still stood for a few minutes with his eyes shaken, trying to digest what it was at all. What else would you add? This is Russia, my child. Everything happens here...

Iren: I am excited to tell Mashe about the specificity of WOW
Iren: You know, there are conflicting factions: the Alliance and the Horde. Here our Renat plays for the Horde, and I for the Alliance.
Maria (with understanding): Well, a man named Renat was obliged by God himself to be... historically it was :)

From their numerous sketches and heard American jokes, you can write them such an anecdote.

How many Americans are needed to turn a light bulb?
No one, they call the electric.
Isn’t he an American electric?
No to Mexican.