The whole family went to Dacia. There was only me and a sick cat in the apartment. So angry that the cat can't be called from work and know how she's doing.

All these little foolish fools understand...I crawl tired, barely alive from work, after getting up on the occasion of a broken elevator with four packs for a family celebration, my basket, which is not even close to the door - while I carry the packs - lining to the venue. I go out, I see that it is already ready to give the hole, I say: "Run, there is still a rotting fish down there for the yard cats, a couple of days you are overcanted" Oh, this horror in the eyes, PULE into the apartment, on the couch and half the evening licked my hands out...

YYU: A friend promised that he would get me a girl. I pulled into a club, and it was like this: “I’m going to leave for a short time now, and when I come back, you’ve got to be with the body, you know?” he never returned, and now I have neither a girlfriend nor a friend.

xxx> all these are knights... we're a bitch - no duels
yyy> just when you call for a duel with a latte gloves the duel itself no longer need.
xxx> In principle yes, but if you call the duel immediately by hitting the false in the dungeon, the result is even better.

My work doesn’t bring money, but it distracts me from thinking about why it doesn’t come.

Legal Counsel 1

Our office is multidisciplinary and provides legal assistance in a variety of legal fields. And since the first consultations are free, and the sign is visible throughout the street, who just do not have to see. There are businessmen and old ladies, there are students in old boxes, and millionaires, it is not possible to do without madmen and ladies of the Balzac age, who want to just talk for a cup of tea for life - where without them. Sometimes you don’t even know what they want from you... That’s exactly what happened last week.

A warm June morning. I just drank a cup of coffee and read the news waiting for the first customer. On the window, like the sultan, a huge Persian cat Mobius (once thrown into the office a thin piece of fur, and now fed no worse than the deputy Isaev) collapsed and cracked in the sun. Everything looks full-weight, solid: and my office, and the cat, and the ancient clock with a coconut on the wall, bought on Avito and repaired - everything as it should be in the office of the lawyer. And even if a cockroach runs out of some gap (we occupy an old mansion in the center of Moscow, anything can be) - it will also look decent, solid, and not like an unborn insect.

The secretary calls, “A visitor to you.” I say “invite me.” I myself look into the glass door of the closet, replacing the mirror in such cases, I fix the haircut, the shirt, take a pen and freeze with the smile of Mona Lisa on my lips, which should mean interest. Who did God bring this time?

The cabinet includes a full lady of forty-five years old, with breasts of such enormous size, which in the people are called not "busts", but more respectfully - a "buffer", with fingers-bushes and hair tied on the back of the head in a clean node. However, the lady is dressed solidly, in her ears large earrings with stones, and in her hand shines a gold ring with a diamond (never wear gold and diamonds, going to a lawyer - you will be taken twice as expensive). I smile a little wider – a rich customer is always a joy for us – and I say:

Please sit down.
I thank you. Oh... I don’t even know how to start. I am so worried. You know, I came for help not for myself, but for my friends. They are young and embarrassed.
I immediately make a note in the notebook: "I came to ask for relatives." She came for acquaintances. Oh of course.
This story began a year ago. My young acquaintances – let’s call them Ivan and Masha – have just got married. Well, you understand yourself – Moscow, a young family, wants to live in their apartment. The prices of apartments, you know, are wild. Mortgage due to the crisis. And here, imagine luck! A luck that happens once in a lifetime. Ivan had a aunt on the father’s line – well, not aunt, and so, the seventh water on the acid – she lived alone in a two-bedroom apartment on Taganka...
I note in the note: “A couple in Taganka. Less than 80 thousand with her not to take,” and I am reluctantly listening further.
My aunt loved him very much. She was eighty-two years old, and recently she had severe pain in her legs. And the head too. So, in May last year, aunt invites Ivan to her and says, “Listen, Vanya. I have not long left, doctors say - I will not reach the end of the year. I hardly get up from the bed, and the angels dream. You are a good guy, married, you need an apartment. I have other relatives besides you, but they are also distant, and I don’t like them. If I don’t write a will now, the apartment will get them. So come to me on Friday after lunch with the notary, I will rewrite the apartment for you, and to other relatives, baby, we will leave a cookie." Well, Ivan, having heard these words, moved home, delighted his wife, and they began to prepare for Friday. Asked from work, found some notary in the neighborhood, all the affairs. And here, therefore, comes Friday, Ivan and Masha come to the apartment to the aunt, knock on the door. There is no answer. They knock at the door again and there is no answer. Well, Ivan thinks – aunt started to hurt to walk, it is better not to torture a person, but to open the door with her key. He opens the door with his key, they enter the apartment with Masha, and they hear somebody singing with a breath: "Flow Amur carries its waves, the wind of Siberia sings them songs, silently noises over Amur taiga..." Ivan and Masha go to the aunt in the bedroom - and they see her sitting on the bed, singing "Amur waves" and turning her head on the clock. And even hands do so in front of themselves, exactly shows the waves. The old lady rattled. Ivan and Masha, of course, panic - in an hour the notary should come, and the old lady, therefore, somewhere in the astral sails on Amura. They tried, as they could, to make her feel - gave the stinker to smell, drank a glass of water, laid in the bed. So much, indeed, there was a little - she stopped singing, but Ivan refused to recognize, only looked in front of herself and the eyes of the bamboo. Soon the notary came, looked at the lying old lady suspiciously and asked, "How are you called?"She sat on the bed, looked in front of herself very confidently and sang: "Amor carries its waves, the Siberian wind sings them songs, silently noises over Amur taiga..."The notary looked at the old lady, then looked at Ivan with Masha and said: "This grandmother, young people, will not write any will. He will not sign.” And went away. What will you do? Ivan and Masha and themselves became sorry, and the apartment was sorry. After all, almost his goodness in front of the eyes floated to completely strange people!
I revive and note on the notebook: “Fake testament? The criminal case? If the penalty is less than 200 thousand do not take."
By the evening my aunt died. He breathed out a few times, and that was all. Ivan and Masha began to touch her pulse, and there is one cold corpse lying on the bed. So, here they decided to take a risk. Not to give away the apartment because of the fact that the aunt wanted to, sorry, close up. They called me, I am an actress. And they asked me to quickly find among my older friends an actress who resembled their late aunt. I did it quickly – my good acquaintance Anna Stepanovna is seventy-seven years old, she is the same gorgeous grandmother with blue, annuite eyes, as was during the life of a vanine aunt. We agreed on the fee for Anna Stepanovna, brought her to the apartment on the morning of Saturday, laid her in the bed of the deceased, dressed in a shirt and dress and taught the role - how they called when she was born, how to write a similar handwriting, and so on, in case the notary asks. And the dead aunt was hidden in the closet and wrapped in a cloth so that it did not smell.
I strictly label in the notebook: “300 thousand, not less.”
As a result, another notary arrived in the afternoon, did not suspect anything and assured the will. Anna Stepanovna signed it with the signature of the deceased. The notary left, everyone was pleased. The aunt lay in the closet for two more days – then, of course, Vanya said that she died not on Friday, but on Monday. The same applies to the death certificate.
I understand. So now everything has opened up?
The visitor surprised me:
No that you! Everything is OK. Vanya has already sold the apartment to his aunt safely - for the money they earned they moved to live in Krylatskoe.
Why did you come then?
The lady cried for a few seconds and said in a quiet voice:
A friend of mine came to you before, and you helped her a lot. She said that you guess well on the tarot cards.
I really have such a hobby.
- So, - continues the lady with a very quiet voice, almost whispering, - Ivan and Masha have a wonderful child, a boy. The boy has no diarrhea for two weeks... You could not break down the cards and find out – not because of whether he has diarrhea, that the higher forces are angry with Vanu because of an affair with the apartment? Or maybe the child was stunned?
I looked at the lady for half a minute. There is a prayer in her eyes. Then I quietly get up, approach the closet and get a bunch of tarot cards from there.
After half an hour, knowing the answers to all the questions, the lady leaves me satisfied.

An accident occurred at a beer festival - a wife visited the garage.

“Mom, don’t worry, I’m in the hospital, I have appendicitis, I need an emergency surgery.
Okay we will do. It will be like a birthday.

Modernizing the forum. In the branch "multi-child vs. child-free" she stumbled upon an uncle who claims to have broken up with his bride because his favorite cat didn't love her and expressed protest in every way, so he is categorically against children, he says - they are capricious!

1st of April
-----------
Not suitable! Any illness of the victim (and possible allergy to a component of the product) can turn into hemorrhoids for the joke.

YYU: A brilliant idea was born, it is a pity that it will have to wait until next year (until April 1). The bottom line: take a bag of mayonnaise (such as one with a lid), empty it and fill it with a condensate. And at the hour of "J" (at lunch, it is bish) to walk and press it out to employees in cups of coffee / tea, filled with evil laughter.
and----
When something unauthorized comes into my food, the food immediately goes out, and the joke depends on my attitude to him. His attitude will be revised.
--------

Therefore, it is necessary to pour "mayonnaise" in coffee yourself) Harmless and pleasant. And the reaction of others is invaluable.

Chat I did not get in touch. To be honest, I do not like sex minorities very much, primarily because they openly show and promote their way of life.

Where? → Here is the hell, where are all these pidders who advertise their way of life and interfere with the lives of ordinary people? The screams about the pirates have been ongoing for 15 years, and I haven’t seen any of them, except for those who don’t use the turnstiles and are sitting in the government.

A long time ago, in the first half of the 90s, there was such a story in one large regional center.

16-story "tower" type, elite housing of Soviet times. Some company bought the whole first floor, and decided to equip there a salon for the sale of something big, cars, it seems. And to do this, remove all the external walls, putting large glass windows on them, and all the internal walls.

Fortunately, someone in time, at the very beginning of the "handicapped" works in the executive committee. And although the times were of great pofigism, but even the employees of the executive committee were impressed with the consequences, or if someone lived there in this house, but, in general, stopped all this matter.

And the owners of the firm even in the newspaper then gave outraged interviews: here, say, bureaucrats, such a business idea was rooted!

I introduced a friend to a guy. I ask later:
How about our technician?
I am beginning to fear him...
and??? by Pasha? He will not hurt the flies.
“Ugu, ugu... Next to the bed a foot from the table, a throwing knife hangs on the magnets in the head, another one in the bracelet, a pneumatic in the desk box... And he has few friends... You’re sure he won’t kill me in case of what?

XXX: The shipment has been made. Now I have to write the cosplay processor.
It’s time to get your true piton out of your pants.
Xxx: Fuck... somehow it sounded.)

Q: Are there any events tonight? Other than concerts
YYY: I’m in my yard now. Judging by the conversation, they have a cosplay party House-2.

From YouTube:
So I imagine a doctor in a white coat, who is barely restrained by two healthy sanitarians, and he rushes to some man and with a curved face from anger: "Go here, fox, you, fox, is it you left a comment on the Internet? Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you! Nearby is the chief physician and embarrassedly apologizes to casual spectators: “Well, this is our best psychiatrist...”.

I explain:
*** by
Assess the pathos of the listened in line in the ZK. Two girls of the finest kind.
Are you more stupid to give birth at 16? I will be at least 17 at the time of birth!
I know who I am pregnant with, baby!
I’m against abortions, I’m glad they are giving birth. I have a question to the boys: do you want your children to be raised like these women?
*** by
Dear Guy, understand - 99% chance that the boys who made the characters you saw children were really a puppy. Education is doubled.

A man (a young man) from history No.17565 with Borrowed, you would at least leave contacts, probably many need to...
In practice, the exact opposite happens in most cases: you can be intelligent, counted, distinguish Manet from Monet and recognize the "Sank himself" from two rows, but it is enough to have an imperfect height meter with a cap or nose button on the same imperfect face, and all, hello.
I do not argue, there are exceptions, I am lucky, I found such an exceptional one, but before that I looked at and tried personally, how girls are chosen as a case for the phone - in appearance. and sorry.

In the forum there is a conversation about the subtleties of sex in the rider's posture.

It’s so tired to run for a long time.
Are you going far? ?
Zzz: in London behind the suspensions;)

I read: "Telephone for a third of z/p is a fool.".
For a long time I thought what was wrong with the phone for 4 thousand rubles?

(The teacher )