bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 43 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №105848
 23.11.2014
Stroggs: On average, a person has up to 92 sexual acts per year. In this case, if you believe the statistics, this December will be very hot for me.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №105847
 23.11.2014
– Tell me, have you ever noticed how there, on the boulevards, rocket cars run out there?
Sometimes it seems to me that those who ride them just don’t know what grass or flowers are. They never see them otherwise than at a high speed, she continued. “Show them a green spot and they’ll say, ‘Oh, it’s grass! Show the pink and they will say, “Oh, it’s a rosary!” White spots - houses, brown - cows. One day my uncle tried to drive on the highway at a speed of no more than forty miles per hour. He was arrested and sent to prison for two days. It is funny, right? and sad.
Have you seen advertisements on the highway? They are now 200 feet long. Did you know that they were once only twenty feet long? But now cars are carried on the roads with such speed that advertisements had to be extended, or nobody could read them.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №105846
 23.11.2014
On the issue of roses:
If people carry rosettes, they need it. Are there people working in construction firms? Answer - why in a new modern house in the kitchen 2 (two!) The Roses? Do you have anything else in the kitchen besides a cupcake? Why is there no roof in the bathroom? You don’t shave, you don’t dry your hair, and you haven’t invented the washing machine yet?
Each new home has two options - either to confuse the entire apartment with triplets and extenders (which, by the way, is not quite electrically safe), or to drill walls.
I choose the second option and understand my neighbors who are doing the same.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №105845
 23.11.2014
I read in the innet that someone in the washing machine had cockroaches, thought of the owner of such a good all the most terrible - how can you at all get to that in the cleanest place of the house this happened? Failure is complete! The next day, right in the morning, my machine was stuck and, pouring water through the lower hose, I got the whole family to the glow of scratched bugs.

[ + 22 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №105844
 23.11.2014
What an irony! The first channel shows "Fear and Hate in Las Vegas" and warns "The film shows scenes of smoking tobacco. Smoking is bad for your health"

[ + 22 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №105843
 23.11.2014
From the forum, the topic of professional symbolism

aaa: I was somehow in the urologist’s office filled with thematic souvenirs. He says, patients for some reason believe that since he is a urologist, then in addition to this organ he does not need anything in life.

[ + 34 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №105842
 23.11.2014
And we, as always in this clash, again came to the fact that if all drivers observed the PDD, carefully driven in their lane, not exceeding speed and with light, and pedestrians observing the PDD would walk carefully on the sidewalk or sidewalk (about "out of settlements" remember), going out on the roadway only to make sure that there are no cars, or that they are missed, then there would be no need for flirts, no stupid laws, no fines, no hateful battles,
But since the proportion of stupid selfish careless villiers on cars, scooters, bicycles and among pedestrians is quite large, so we live.
All good

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №105841
 23.11.2014
What were the names of the three rich men? Alisha Popovich, Dobryna Nikitich... And the third?
YYY: The former? Oh no...

[ + 26 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №105840
 23.11.2014
Each new home has two options - either to confuse the entire apartment with triplets and extenders (which, by the way, is not quite electrically safe), or to drill walls.
I choose the second option and understand my neighbors who are doing the same.

I did repairs in the apartment - completely switched all the wiring, changed the sockets, switches, etc... All the noisy work with the perforator and the stitching of the walls I did for 3 (three!) The day. in the awake. With breaks on the "sleep of neighboring children".
Then the furniture - the built-in closet, the closet, the shelves there, there and there... 3-4 hours with cigarettes for everything.
and all!
But these perforators drill for months! for years! What else can be drilled there? The walls are like cheese. Or will they turn the hole into a hole - the cement will be dotted - the drill again? Sunday, 9 a.m. – Greetings to the country!

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №105839
 23.11.2014
Children discuss the school:

Senior (16 years): We have one teacher here in a decree left...
Younger (10 years): Daaaah, you brought her...

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №105838
 23.11.2014
xxx: I may, of course, be weird, but for me, mandarines are not associated with the New Year at all. The question is: what, in other times of the year, mandarines are not sold?
YYYYYYYYYYY School among us.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №105837
 23.11.2014
Post on Memory.
I was a youth once. A fan of "Cinema" and lived in a rental apartment. Everyone knows the awkward melodies in their heads. Every time, for a couple of weeks, after leaving the apartment, the brain began to spin "The Last Hero". Until I realized this fact and analyzed it, I did not make a conclusion. The characteristic sound of the closing metal door resembled an accord from a song. And my inner Winamp servily began to spin the chosen track. Day after day...

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №105836
 23.11.2014
Without any laws, every year I buy a reflective tape and wearing clothes for my children, because in the winter at five we are already out-of-the-eye dark, and they are still in the classroom to wear.
Flickerers always talk on the bag and lightning.
No, it is now "to bow down" before the authorities...
People, you’re not getting your head shaken, cheeseburger!
Kitty...admin... all the things...

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №105835
 23.11.2014
We just played the scene like a French comedy of provisions.
We have a mad, deaf old lady here, who is awake day and night and tries to put everyone on the ground. She tried to close us before we opened up. And behold, I am carrying the garbage today on the laundry we are paying, standing on the site we are paying, and the old lady is throwing on me, pressing her nose to my, and shouting that I do not dare to throw the garbage into her laundry, that she knows everything about me, that I do not pay for anything, well and so on. I did not argue for a long time, I made a kniksen and went on. Not every day I happen to communicate with the living heroes of Dostoevsky, so I decided to take out a second bag of garbage. This time my grandmother decided to follow me to find out where I was working. And I didn’t want her to make my mom a scandal, so I sneaked into a cosmetics and household goods store. There is a ladder so that the old man will not climb it. I turned around and went back to the bar. I come and the door is closed! The old lady still smelled where I was from, and made her mother hysterical, and she knows where they are now!
Meanwhile, my mother, thinking that I was not there for a long time, decided that I was killed. I closed the institution and went to the courtyard, found this grandmother and shouted at her "what did you do to my child?!!! She is missing! Grandma was scared, they found a man and a dog there together and went to look for me. At that time, I was knocking at the closed door and guessing where my grandmother was doing.

[ + 27 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №105834
 23.11.2014
What fucking separated? In Belarus, it has long been mandatory to wear flickers.

A joke on the subject:
How to distinguish a Ukrainian woman from a Ukrainian woman?
The Belarusian has a light-reflective bag on the bag.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №105833
 23.11.2014
To this (I even stumbled out of surprise):

If you give another angiology of my impressions, you can describe a scene where the Buddha fights with the Prince of Persia on the roof of a skyscraper.

__________

Angiológia (from the Greek. ἀγεῖον - vessel + λόγος - doctrine) is a section of medicine that studies blood and lymphatic vessels.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №105832
 23.11.2014
I work for a large commercial company Sisadmin. A fleet of 500+ machines, AD, Exchange and other attractions. Through Service Desk regularly, several times a day, received applications from a 50-year-old aunt who has been working in this firm as an accountant for 5 years. Then the mouse will pull out the leg, then run 5 copies of one resource-intensive program at once, then set the printer from another cabinet by default.
The previous boss considered her a valuable figure, who "is not obliged to know all the wisdom." I was already looking for a new job, as suddenly came a new, young boss, who after listening to me advised the SD, closing the application, to describe in detail the cause of the malfunction and send him notifications. In parallel, a new accountant, a 25-year-old girl, who recently graduated from the university, was found and interviewed. From the old aunt the boss began to take explanatory for every "false" challenge. tk. The aunt was inclined, wicked and stupid, then thought that these explanatory would make me, and therefore did not change her behavior and continued to do harm. Soon, on the basis of explanatory, she was fired for official non-conformity, with an article in the work book. Now for almost a year, a new girl is working, showing good results and does not bother the admin for nothing. Prior to this, I worked in the EuroNet, because all normal seats were occupied by such "irreplaceable" aunts with a ugly character.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №105831
 23.11.2014
In Madagascar, 40 people have died from the plague
— — —
Well, you won’t believe it, but you can’t even say about the plague "It’s very bad". The plague is "Huevo that fucking!". The Middle Ages are an example. For those who are not aware of a little exercise: take a piece of paper and write on it in a column of 20 people from your "next circle". You can even sign up, but it doesn’t matter. Now place a point next to any of these names.
So here.
This man has survived.
This was the epidemic of the plague in the Middle Ages.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №105830
 23.11.2014
All about light reflectants and saraphanes:
Read the original document, and don’t listen to the OSC radio (one grandmother said):

Decree of November 14, 2014 No. 1197
...
In order to increase the visibility of pedestrians in the dark hours of the day, it is established the requirement for pedestrians to use reflective elements when moving along the road outside of settlements in the specified period of time.
...
1) on the passing part
and
2) Outside of settlements
and
3) In the dark hours of the day

So speed limits do not play a role. And who is in such places at such a time in the Sarafans is also a separate topic.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №105829
 23.11.2014
In early 2009, the Russian magazine "Finances" initiated an experiment. In front of the circus monkey placed 30 cubes with the names of companies placing shares on the stock exchange. She selected 8 cubic shares, and from these shares a investment portfolio was formed. At the end of the year, this portfolio showed higher returns than the investments of 94% of Russian collective managers.
— — — —
Apparently 6% of investment banks are using monkeys.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna