There is one woman in the workplace. not stupid. She knew all the work processes so much that, knowing how to search with the head of the department, she pushed decisions by which those duties she previously performed were transferred by order to other persons. It was not bad enough to discharge itself in a couple of years. Then, with the next optimization from above, it turned out that it was practically not doing anything and was first reduced.

I worked with my future wife in the same office and in the same office. She is an accountant, and I am Sysadmin. We just started somehow communicating and showing a little sympathy. Once we drank tea together, we talked, and she told me that for a week she’s been doing some kind of boredom by compiling a few huge tables in Excel.



I will not remember the specific task over the years, but the essence was about something: we take a line from the first file, there is a transaction code. In the second and subsequent documents there are one or more relevant lines of this transaction, but with other data (the payment there is somewhat broken or something else), while the code of this line contains the source code, but the format has a different, and even a few different types. You need to find these corresponding rows, count by the formula of numbers from different columns, and if the result did not coincide with the source file - it means something is not hit there, and you need to clarify these transactions.



In fact, the task of the spouse and was to make a list of transactions and contractors for which something is missing. Documents on several hundred lines each, and the task is repeated every quarter. Time she usually spent about a week on it, headaches and red eyes were attached.



After asking for details and realizing that the task is absolutely routine, and it is her sin not to automate, I suggested it. As a result, got a few examples of old files with already known results to practice, started to perform.

Well, short of my knowledge of VBA and macros Excel was enough for a couple of days I presented her the first version of the "program", where it was enough to put all the files in one folder, call the desired names and click the "Make beautiful" button on the form - and after a couple of minutes was ready the final file, satisfying the desired result. The list appeared, the desired rows in the source files were highlighted in color so that they could be easily found.



The girl was delighted, even more, to spend two minutes on what she had done before a week!

Of course, then there were a few cracks, then there was a new form of originals, I worked out my macros several times, and then I left that office, we married, began to live, and sometimes this story with macros to remember.

Morality: Knowledge of even the basics of programming can be useful in completely unpredictable circumstances. Or not.

A colleague at work told me how scary and unusual he once caught a stroke. The case was three years ago. A colleague, let’s call him Juric, a man of moderate responsibility, almost an athlete, cuddles only on Fridays and rarely on Saturdays. In general, on that shit day, he was sitting at work not as usual until six o’clock in the evening, and asked home early, what kind of anxiety he was. So rushed home that even the phone left at work. He jumped into the road, his last stop in Murino, and fell asleep on the road, without sticking to the phone. He wakes up in the bus next to his new buildings why he is completely alone, even driving somewhere gone, can smoke. Yes, and kiss him, Yuri scratched to his new buildings to have time to rest until the next working day. He goes, rushes, but only his legs, like strangers after sleep, as if they were hanging in the asphalt. Difficult to get to the paradehouse, he sees the door on the doorstep, there is no light on the site. Well, he thinks, crazy builders, the conduction shit, the tension does not hold. He goes up to the elevator and it doesn’t work. Nothing to do, walk to the sixth floor. It rises, and the legs in general, like in viscous clay, barely walk around the thunder, only high in the thunder light burns and some sound is low, like from a diesel engine. Yuri was already frankly crazy and scary, the thought was only to get there. On the third flight he decided to sit down to rest. He went down the staircase, massaged his legs, suddenly felt as if someone's hand was on his shoulder, turned back, and there in the darkness was a silhouette, you can figure out who. Jurets walked out of fear and fainted, and woke up already in the hospital bed, all in the tubes. He waited for his sister and immediately asked who brought him here. In short, it turned out that he fell unconscious at work, a stroke happened to him, and everything else absorbed him like in a good movie, only with personal participation. Life has gradually improved, the legs walk, the head thinks, although health can no longer be restored. This movie with the main role will never be forgotten.

Recently, a friend brought a three-minute video and complained that his computer does not play this format, and he needs to watch a video recording of an administrative violation.



I turned it on and I watched. On the screen of a large online store. People are fine and all without masks.

- Well, I say, how many violators, choose to taste.

- No, the massive regime was introduced since Monday, and this filming was earlier.



This is the man in shorts! Look, he takes tomatoes from the shelf and eats, and he also feeds a friend!

No, he is not a violator.

Not a violator? Tomato bitten twice and put it in place. Then I did the same with the apple.

We are not doing that. These are small things. I recently watched a citizen clean up a kilogram of bananas, put them in a bag and went to the box to pay. And you can’t do anything with such images, but here’s our offender!



I looked up and saw a young man with a little dog in his arms.

What is his violation?

He went into the store with the dog, and it was forbidden! Now, at least, you will get a fine of one minimum, everything can be turned off.



My friend left, and I thought. If so much surprising happened in a few minutes, why would the employees of the store look there all day?

I worked in a bank in 2007. Upon coming to this bank, he purchased a new server, put a new backdrop there, raised the DC, stretched and set up the network, purchased and set up new machines for operationalists, everything went on, everything works. Such a bank, yes. There were no networks for many. But it is not about that.

The case goes by the end of the year. I’m already sitting and just monitoring the car, backpacker. I have no programming to do.

I notice that the headbuck (D) has been delayed for almost a week until night. I wonder what happened.

G: Yes, the annual balance sheet

I: Well, that’s how the first day can do it. Let me find how

G: Yes, it can do it, but the problem is in another. In the first place, only part of the transactions have been overdue since they were implemented. Secondly, there is an old upper day and there is still a portion of transactions except for those that did not get there due to accidents and only payments remained from those transactions.

I: Yes, and what are you doing?

G: - Well, I have an old opername, there is a new one, there are text files with payments. That’s what I put in Excel and count it.

I : I understood. I can help. Tell me what should be and how to count.

He raised his eyebrows, but began to tell. As a result, I realized that in principle it is enough html pages, where for each account you need to show the remains. Show me where the data is.

I took perl in my hands and went fucking. I started with a new opera. I made a request to him, in the BD, pulled out the data in the desired format. The second is the old day. DB is dbf. Also relatively simply excavated from there. The third is text files. Somewhere cp866, somewhere 1251... Of course regexpy! It lasted a little longer, but it also wore. From time to time I went to the headmaster, showed the intermediate and found out if I was going right. On the third day, she started helping me. About the double book told, places helped to find errors in the logic of calculations. Overall, for two or three weeks, this is how we worked with her in the team and we gave the result. I was happy, I don’t even know who. I said I would spend at least two months.

He gave me a reward for such good work. And until now, when meeting, he always greets, smiles, is interested in business, and so on.

It is easier to be a happy man than a happy woman.

Why so expensive?

The Customer:
How much will it cost to perform this work?
The Master:
– $1500
The Customer:
Why so expensive?
The Master:
How much do you think it will cost if you do it yourself?
The Customer:
Maximum of $800. On the other hand, it does not seem to be a difficult job.
The Master:
For $800 I offer you to do it yourself.
The Customer:
But... I can’t!
The Master:
Well well! I will teach you this work for $800 and you will gain the knowledge for the next such event.
The Customer:
This is an interesting proposal. I agree!
The Master:
- So, you need to have with you: welding machine, electric saw, drill, gloves and...
The Customer:
and stop! I don’t have all this equipment and I’m not going to buy it just for this job!
The Master:
In that case, for this work, for $300 I can rent you the tools.
The Customer:
Well well!
The Master:
We have agreed! We are waiting for you on Tuesday to do the work.
The Customer:
and hm. I cannot on Tuesday.
The Master:
Sorry, but I’m only free on Tuesday. All other days are occupied with other orders.
The Customer:
Okay okay! I have to change my plans.
The Master:
“I’ll gather all the necessary materials and you’ll have to load the car on Tuesday at 6 a.m. Please do not be late.
The Customer:
At six in the morning? No is! I am not comfortable at all. You know, I’ll probably still pay you those $1500. After all, I myself understand that I will still not be able to do this work qualitatively and I already understand that it will cost me much more in the end.

I don’t watch TV at all, and politics, especially, I’m not interested in, but here I accidentally saw the speech of Vladimir Vladimirovich. is admired! How he spoke directly about what the country was brought to: about corruption, about rotting officials, impersonally criticized the situation with medicine, education, space... No one is suitable for him. Who should be elected President of Russia? ... what? How are twenty years?! to