bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 18 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155756
 31.01.2021
Born to crawl the presence of non-flying zones does not stress.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №155755
 31.01.2021
Doctors of the City of Dr. Zivago

A few years have passed since I finished my “departmental career as a pediatrician” and started depicting myself as a domestic businessman earning where, what and how much I could. At the same time, I was often asked by friends, colleagues, former patients or parents of former patients to "look, advise, advise".
Here and then the future wife asked "just look at the girlfriend's child, something is sick."
Yes with pleasure. We come in the evening to a friend - a child aged 10-12, so bitten, calm, everything is fine, nothing hurts.
Three days ago I had a little bit of stomach.
My mother caused a district - some kind of mild gastritis.
The grandmother called the ambulance in the evening - those, except for the red throat, found nothing.
Grandfather called a good acquaintance - a professor from the medical institute - residual phenomena of ARI.
Mother seemed little and she called the district again - for which she received an easy escape from him for meaningless anxiety.
Then there was, in my opinion, an urgent...
I looked at the child, also found nothing - the throat slightly swollen, the lymph nodes medium, the breath clean, the stomach fatty, soft, the kidneys do not respond.
In the faces of others I realized that I absolutely did not justify their hopes - and looked again. Again nothing. The condemnation and disappointment of me in the households increased.
He stopped touching and looking at the child, just sat next to him and began to “feel” him.
The surroundings continued to quietly confuse and strengthened the expression of the faces.
... the throat - nothing, the heart - nothing, the lungs - nothing, the stomach - nothing, the liver - a little something is felt (a thick guy, or the gallbladder, or the canals are narrowed), the kidneys - nothing.
I sat down, I thought, I call a friend-surgeon: I apologize for almost the night call, so say and so, everything is okay, I see nothing, if it is very stricken - something in the liver, it is uncomfortable to bother, but people are good, look condemning, don't want to repair, again the future spouse nearby, will not the Great Guru give advice...
Andrei snorted something about foolish ex-pediatrists lying wrong (in the stomach??) I asked for the address. After thirty minutes - we coffee with the mother of the child not have time to drink - comes. He preciously led his moustaches, kissed his mother along with his grandmother, examined the child and said to go and go to the hospital, look at it in detail. At the grandmother’s suggestion to “wait until morning” he courteously sent her. She was told to sit at home, but her mother, who was carnivorously looking at her by the lieutenant Rzhevsky, also had to go.
Andrei in his car, we with the child and a selfish mommy - on their own, in an hour at 4 p.m.
The examination, the express blood test, comes out satisfied Andrei and says that now they will do a laparoscopy (a small perforation in the anterior abdominal wall) and through the probe will see what is there and how, since in the tests clear inflammation, minutes after 15-20 he will tell us everything.
After 15 minutes, a nurse who knew me well looked at him and greeted me. After 15 minutes, she made us all tea, put a box of candy, at the same time on duty, whispered to me that "Andrei Vladimirovich was out for two days, just left home, and you pulled him back, he did not even have time to drink tea at home."
30 minutes later, she told us not to worry, because “the whole brigade has already arrived and everyone is in the operating room.”
Looking at the whitened mommy, she asked, and what I have, and is it better for her to drip valerian or immediately pour cognac?
Gathered in Valerian.
At two o’clock, the smiling Andrew arrives.
There is nothing outside inspection. But I, like you, don’t like something about the liver. But in the analyses - clear inflammation. We do laparoscopy - nothing but the blood vessels are enlarged, possibly catarrhal appendicitis. The appendix itself is not visible, it is hidden behind the intestine. We give anesthesia and go for a cavity surgery. I take my hand for the intestine - the appendix will go out. When we cleaned it, it broke out in a towel right in my hand. and appendicitis. Another maximum of an hour and a half - and would be guaranteed to get peritonitis."
Andrei did not go home, "I had time to eat half-dinner at home before your call, so now I will sleep here, in three hours the change is still beginning."

Twenty-five years later, in the spring of 2020, the chief physician of 4 GKB Ronsin Andrei Vladimirovich, including for the organization of treatment of coronavirus infection, was awarded the medal of the Order "For Merit to the Fatherland" II degree by the decree of the President of the Russian Federation.

In this, which was released under the New 2021 Year, the video about the cowboy was sung and played by employees of the 4 GKB; the first singing, squeezed and in the glasses - the chief physician, Andrei Ronsin.

[ + 17 - ] Comment quote №155754
 31.01.2021
Peskov: The father of Putin’s daughters is an entrepreneur, one or several. We find it incorrect to disclose his name.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №155753
 30.01.2021
I thought about buying housing. Well, and accordingly appealed for help to the powerful and great Internet. I go, look, choose, compare, leave my data nowhere, as the favourite has not been selected yet. And here one day just an explosive phone spam terrorism “You are planning to buy a home soon? ..”, “Here you left the application on our site...” (not left) and so on.



It seems to be surprising in our difficult spam time, but the number of calls was absurd, the phone broke every minute. Not every minute, every second. I had to turn it off. Communicating or accessing the Internet was simply not possible. Curse all in the world, I already thought that somebody “ordered” me))



And in the evening, when less than a square of calls slept, my mom called (who only yesterday met the internet) and joyfully announced that she decided to “help” me with the choice of an apartment, so left applications with my number on all the sites she met along the way. “But you, little girl, don’t worry. It is free! and the curtain)

As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №155752
 30.01.2021
Xxx: 2 years ago he broke his leg in the entrance, called an ambulance, called a friend. The guys came, picked up something and drove it into the ambulance, a friend went with me. We go, and then on the way the side door opens, on its own. A friend rushes to close it, and the driver says, "You better hold the rear, it can also open, and then the sick on the wheel can fly out."

They lost, they did not lose.

Yyy: Yes, the phrase “we’re losing him” played new colours when the medical officer Ivanov was trying to hold a catch with a patient in a collapsing car.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №155751
 30.01.2021
Democracy is now a cloth that is used to cover up violence, robbery and other abominations.

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №155749
 30.01.2021
One hectare of hemp can produce more paper than three to four hectares of forest. At the same time, hemp paper does not require bleaching, does not yellow, it is stronger and more durable than wood paper.
- My friend Mentham said the same thing, they were still jailed.

[ + 10 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155748
 29.01.2021
The palace in Gelendzhik, according to the FSB, is just an ordinary border guard.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №155747
 29.01.2021
Everything in this life is interrelated in one way or another.
and short. Built on the outskirts of one city, or rather not on the outskirts even, but count the city, a confectionery company. Not a mini bakery, but a large factory. By advanced technology, with the participation of foreign capital, everything is done.
Solemnly opened, the ribbon was cut, and began to produce all kinds of tastes, for the joy of children and sweetheads, for the hidden anger of cuddly beauties.
After a while, the director of the factory is called to the city administration, and the head of administration says:
“They complain,” he says, “on your enterprise the residents of the nearest microregion. No collective complaint has been filed. I have to do something.
What are they complaining about? The director asks.
to smell. He explains the head. - They write that when the wind from the factory side, in the micro-area vanilla smells.
The vanilla? The director is surprised. What’s wrong with smelling vanilla? Not the shit!
Here the head of the administration looked at him strangely, thought, and spoke.
You know, people are different, one does not like the smell, the other another. You better come there, smell, talk to the locals. The question must be decided. They threaten to bring you to court. And me at the same time. Because he gave good for construction.
The director is going to the micro district. He walks out of the car and begins to pull the air with his nose. It feels like it really smells. It smells so strong. It doesn’t smell of vanilla. It smells of natural shit.
Then the director stops the first passing person and asks.
“Tell me, dear, what do you smell like this?
The passing man smelled, shrugged his shoulders, and answered.
Apparently nothing.
And went on.
Director to another passenger, with the same question. He gets the same answer. Nothing smells. I smelled again. Maybe the smell is misleading? No is no! The air clearly feels a persistent and unambiguous smell of shit. He is to the third. The same answer!
Then the director can no longer stand, and speaks indignantly.
Why does it not smell? It smells! The shit smells!
Are you about that? The local resident responds. That is normal! It’s because the wind is southwest.
Explain it! The Director says.
What to explain here? The Aboriginal says. You see, there is far away? There are cleaning facilities. When we get out of there, we smell. Not taken into account in the construction of the rose of the winds.
Did you not complain?
How did they not complain? I complained of course! Collective letters were written.
And what?
And nothing. They said it’s your own shit and smells. This is all over. We smell something, we don’t notice it. On the other hand, we built a confectionery factory. So now when we pull from there, we smell vanilla!
The vanilla?
and vanilla! And a little more cinnamon.
Vanilla is good, isn’t it?
It is who how. The Aboriginal answered. - Fuck, we already smelled, and here is vanilla...
In short, as a result, local residents sued the confectionery factory in court. And the court, which is interesting, won.
Because if it is shit, it is its own, and has a natural natural smell, and if vanilla, there are sanitary norms that limit the presence of foreign odor in the neighbouring areas of production.
True, the lawyer of the defendant put forward an interesting theory that the inhabitants are not irritated by the smell of vanilla, and that on the backdrop of vanilla they became more sharp smell of shit. But since it was only a theory, not supported by any results of the examination, the court did not take it into account.
So the factory paid a fine, and committed to put some additional filters there.
But anyway, when the pull from the north-east, vanilla in the micro-region is occasionally no-no, and it is stinking. This causes just indignation among locals. Which products of the confectionery enterprise among those with pleasure buy, thus ensuring the work of the enterprise in the southwest.
Everything in this life is interrelated in one way or another.

[ + 14 - ] Comment quote №155746
 29.01.2021
Vladimir Vladimirovich, is this palace yours?
Certainly not mine, but whose else?! to

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №155745
 29.01.2021
It was somewhere in the mid-1990s in a deaf village where there had been no electricity for several months. Inhabitants complained, indeed, without electricity as if you live in the Stone Age. You go along the road there, and all the pillars under the root are splintered. You come to the village, and there almost every one of these pillars is a barley, a cow (plus someone in general has a fence from road signs). The hottest of the locals first switched the wires, and the rest have already pulled - what a good thing to miss! They lived for years without light.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №155744
 28.01.2021
At computer security courses in the early 2000s told stories

In those times, when the "masking show" came to the offices and took servers and PCs, the destruction of information was less evil than the deadline for its content :)

The set "2C Accounting" (later, in the internet did not find such a complex, maybe it was a joke name). In the body of the PC is mounted a set of interruptor and electromagnetic coils. By a combination of keys, the system provided a group of impulses that wiped the hard disk. Uninterruptor in case of switching off the lights before the visit of "masks". There was another "trick", a check was attached to the table on the truss. If you were not in place or you could not put your hands on the keyboard, then there was a chance that when the system unit was raised it would not be noticed and the check would bring the complex into action.

According to the narrator, he saw another security system, a guard with a gun was placed in the server. In the case of the visit of uninvited guests, a signal from the guard post was provided with a secret button, a red light was lit. After that, the guard shot the disk massive. It is reliable :) But how can I imagine that poor guy sitting in a shift and looking at the lamp in a dark, swirling, cold server room? I wonder at what time the glowing lights started :)

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155743
 28.01.2021
A call on the radio.

Calling: I’ve been living in America since the 1980s, but I’m visiting my family in Wales this week and decided to call.

Why did you move from Wales to America?

In fact, I moved because of a woman.

And who is this lucky woman?

by Margaret Thatcher.

[ + 50 - ] Comment quote №155742
 28.01.2021
- Imagine yesterday went to the kitchen for five minutes, and the daughter, four years old - itself turned on the laptop and called my grandmother on Skype!



What is? Does your grandmother know how to use Skype?? to

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №155741
 28.01.2021
My brother is married three times. Their first marriage broke up in a couple of years. After 17 years, his first wife calls him and demands that he consent to the child’s departure abroad. The fact that he (brother) has nothing to do with her son is not taken into account. Let's say, write, or I'll go to court, and try again to prove that it's not your son. My son was born a year after they separated.



UPD: The official divorce was, as it was.

He sent her culturally. A month later, a notification to the court in the mailbox. Everything was resolved as quickly as possible: DNA examination, with a mandatory requirement for reimbursement of court costs and the cost of the examination. The verdict was obvious: the son was not his, he was witnessed.

And I still don’t understand what’s going on in the heads of these women who are waging an absolutely losing war without a single chance of winning. Are you hoping for Avon?



UPD: It turns out, the brother consulted with a lawyer, and he advised not to sign anything, because this consent (mol, I am the father, and I agree that the child should leave) could serve as a hint to recognize him as his father, with a subsequent request for alimony for all those 17 years and other consequences.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №155740
 28.01.2021
Xxx: My granddaughter (his daughter, 3.5 years old) mom calls to play. He asks his daughter:

What will we play?

Let’s play Grandma.

to go. How is this? I can play with my grandmother, but I never played with my grandmother.

It’s easy, I’ll teach you. Take the dolls, let them be grandchildren.

Mom brings the doll, along with the daughter sits the doll in a row on a toy sofa. Then the daughter says:

Well, you can go now!

Mother :

- So we wanted to play together, you promised to teach me to play as a grandmother!

I play “Grandmother.” You brought your grandchildren, and now, as always, you can leave, and I will stay with my grandchildren.



Yyy: The daughter is able to passive aggression

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №155739
 28.01.2021
Old age – not the best years – but not superfluous.

[ + 47 - ] Comment quote №155738
 28.01.2021
My granddaughter is 8 years old and goes to school. Everything is easily given to him, the children in his class are different, but most are normal, positive and a couple of fools with pups and without a brain are practically not able to realize. But recently he came back from school worried about something and said to his mother, “You’ll take me out of school tomorrow after two hours.” I have business there. I have to do something. What exactly, he does not say. Well, who would be against it. My mother took him later. And he asks again – don’t rush tomorrow too, I still have a job there. His mother came, and he was swallowed, sweaty. One in one wreath. Something is not that. The teacher approached him and asked his mother - and you know what your son is doing after school? No, and what is it. Here is what turned out. These weeks we were very snowy, the snow was just under a meter. And an elderly woman works as a courtyard in the school and she had to clean the school paths. The grandson himself approached her and asked if he could clean the snow too and if there was a spade for him. That's why he stayed after the lessons - cleaned the snow, helped the courtyard. As they say, the bad example is contagious, we are back in the weekend. Again he asked to leave later, but when his mother came for him, the school yard was cleaned by both the little girl and high school students. Since there was not enough spat for everyone, a few people stood waiting... Such is life, such are our children.
This is Russia, the Far East.

[ + 33 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155737
 28.01.2021
I don’t know what Navalny made for the film there, but Putin himself advertises it.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №155736
 27.01.2021
There is no one at home, all the animals are shaking, I sit with the child in the room, read a book and suddenly I realize that someone is talking quietly. Words can’t be heard, but clearly. At first I thought the roof was running, I went out of the room, no voices. So I don’t think the head :) I started looking, in a couple of minutes I found the direction from where the sound comes - a desk. Almost an empty table, on which, except for a few sheets of paper, there is nothing persistently telling me something. There were suspicions about my mental health. I looked every centimeter of the table and found it. From the wall, behind the table, the wires of the radio points, once dismantled and isolated, were torn. Whether the children were wrapping something there, or the cats were wearing, in general, the isolant fell down, and the wires touched each other. And not tightly closed, namely, touched. Accordingly, there was a small KZ that made the wires vibrate. But this really was not all, the carelessly dropped A4 sheet of paper from the top on the wires became a membrane and completed the construction. And that's all the broadcast :) Loud, but clear enough to think that the roof is going.

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