I work as a receptionist. Just came a man (M) to the coloproctologist with pain below the back. The doctor (B) examined him and said

You have a gemorrhea.

M: It can’t be so!! to

B) Why can’t you?

I have been eating beef for 4 years.

B. What do you forgive?

- (M) Beef anus, for the prevention of gemorrhoea, in my family all men did so after 40.

- (B) You and the naked eye can see hemorrhoidal clots.

M can’t be! Give me my papers, I’ll go to a qualified doctor, not what you, charlatan.

The man left, signing the refusal and leaving us with reflection on the benefits of beef.

In my kindergarten, the logopedist was named Marina Valeryevna. And if you were able to pronounce her name clearly, then the logopedist was no longer needed.

Digital telecommunications of the country

Great dialogue with the client.

Are you a programmer?
and yes.
Is it free? I just need one project urgently.
and yes.
“Look, you need to make a program that would hack Yandex or Google and re-form it to me. Payment is 60 thousand.

You turn on Canadian TV: the main country in the world - Canada.
You turn on American TV: the main country in the world - the United States.
You turn on German TV: the main country in the world is Germany.
Includes Russian TV: the main country in the world - Ukraine.

He came home yesterday. On the staircase there is an old kitchen plate, a little rusty, a little yellowed. And I just need a plate for the day, and any quality, just to work. Knowing that the neighbor above is doing repairs, and having shown a little deduction, I go to him. An exemplary dialogue.

- Hello, neighbor, what is the plate and what are the plans for it?

- Hi, DA4N1K, workboard, but old, it is on the trash. I will throw it out tomorrow.

- Let me throw it out, I just have a great landfill of old household appliances.

No question, 50 Belarusian rubles (25 U.E.) And take it.

No, I say, I don’t need it so much.

You pay twice, you won’t find cheaper.

The plate does not burn, the country does not go through the whole winter.

I am returning from work today. The way through the rubbish. It is worth a plate, it is waiting for me, and I am not proud.

In general, it turned out that I, scump, even from the 3rd floor was downloaded for free...

Simplicity is worse than theft, but still better than theft.

I’ll tell you a story that happened to me in the years of my stupid and naive youth. Well, you know, the time when you want to help everyone and everything, and then you ask the surprised question: “How do I feel?“!”
I lived at the time in Helsinki, and for the duty of service I had to travel a lot around the Baltic States with trips to Poland. I used to fly, but because of the specifics, I used to ride more often.

The distances are not so to be terribly large, but the road Helsinki - Warsaw took a full day, and one to shave such pieces quickly gets bored. Therefore, quite often took stops - someone just kept silent all the way and did not light up, someone told about their trains by foot, someone just cases from life. The long road through three countries, even small ones, generally has a quick and friendly ride.

This time on the way back from Warsaw, leaving Panevezis, closer to the evening, on the exit from the gas station saw a girl looking 17-20 years old. Not especially thinking, I approached and asked – where it is going, since I did not see the usual poster with the name of the destination. The girl was going to go to Bauska... Hm... a strange choice of destination, because it is already in Latvia and as the end point does not fit in the overall picture. But what I care. I say I’m going to Tallinn so I can drive.
The girl jumps into the car, we touch and I usually ask to cling – I did not hear the lock click. He goes somewhere and gets a knife.

This is your grandmother and Yuri's day, I thought. I did a good deed, now this little girl will take me to her friends, the fucking carried on the maze. And such anger at this universal injustice took me that I didn't come up with anything better, and to be honest, I didn't really think about how to drag the wheel to the right and knock my stealth box, which by some misunderstanding was missed on the TO and called the proud word "car", in the first topol on the side.

The Boom! The girl said with her head about the panel.
The scream! My ribs said.
by Fuck! I said.

And then everything was difficult. There was a hospital and there was police and there were good and evil investigators who wanted to hang on me an attempted rape. It just did not stick to them - what an attempt is this: picked up, left 30 meters and immediately began to try to rape, and even attached. The girl hurried. They began to tell the girl who she was and where she came from and what she was doing here, they gave her a certificate in Klaipeda, and the usual goo-santabarbar broke out. The boy, the shameless man, the money was owed to the wrong people, someone threw the idea, and the brain is not. Here they went on tour in Lithuania, good guys like me were caught on a lifeboat.

In general, there, in Panevezis, that girl for five years had the mind to pick up.
And I have not loved Panevezis since then – I obviously didn’t get along with this city.

The rabbit was given a positive characteristic: “Eatable.”

He joined one large company. Mr. asked the general questions that I answered in a template. I already had a decent work experience and I thought I would be happy to be accepted. Hr gave me to fill out some test, and I took my passport on the internet.

I passed the completed test.

by mr. I checked your profile. I know you are very interested in fishing.

I. Yes

by mr. Unfortunately you do not fit us.

A. What is the reason?

by mr. Well, since you are a fan of fishing, you have agreed to work on weekends and holidays. And most likely you are abusing alcohol. We need people who work in the first place.



He took his papers and quietly went fishing.

xxx: I last winter on vacation made a hectic healthy snowman on the outskirts of a private house, and left (I live and work in another city). So a neighbor hit him in a car, broke up and also hit my mother (!A snowman stands there, he damaged a poor bumper because of him. I smelled great.

YYY: Do you understand that it is in the winter you need to make a snowboard reinforced by armor?

I live in Norway and I have my own business. But I earn away from what I do every day.

So in order. In Norway, by law, all foreigners are provided with a free interpreter for any official contacts with the state. and organs. Not everyone knows about it, but they learn more and more and so the demand for translators is growing.

In my case, it is Lithuanian and Norwegian. In general, I was contacted here via Facebook from one translation agency, on the subject of my desire to translate sometimes. As if I had never been a translator and I had no experience or knowledge, and Lithuanian I started to forget, and Norwegian is far from ideal. But they said that the shit question - I'll do it. I say OK. If you think I can do it, let’s try. I work mostly at night and have a lot of time during the day. It will not hinder overall development.

In general, a couple of weeks ago, I was appointed for today for a translation at the hospital, the neurology department. I was very nervous, reading all kinds of articles on neurology in every language. And then that day came, I was on the spot, and the patient did not come to the reception. and bingo! and :)

The fee is 630 crowns per hour. Pay for 2 hours. An hour for travel and an hour for translation. A total of 1260 (approximately 10,000 rubles) crowns for the fact that I drove to the hospital and sat there in the Westboulevard. I have never earned so easily. and :)

Do you want to know what true love is? Take a puppy!

Recently there was a story of Someone Leish https://www.anekdot.ru/id/983484. She reminded me of something like that. I immediately warn you, the story is a bit miserable, don’t judge strictly.


“The wedding trip.”

Year 1946, August

"For a long time, the guns were silenced, only the sunlight was above us." My grandfather is old. The 77th Separate Light Transportation Park, which he commanded during the war with Japan, is no longer in existence. Finally, the Sinekura subverted, appointed as the chief of the weapons warehouse of the brigade. Oh, how wonderful, it is much better than leading a squadron to attack, crawling kilometers on the mine fields day and night, making passages, or leading crossings under a square fire. Automates, pistols, explosives, ammunition, machine guns, trophy weapons, inflatable boats, sapphire supplies quietly sleep in the warehouse waiting for their hour, no longer it would attack. Only when teaching, there is trouble, and so - silence and grace.

And there is another surprise, what!
You, Comrade Lieutenant, are on vacation.
On vacation? to me?
Well yes. You are an officer, you can go on vacation. Even a train ticket is free once a year.

It is a miracle of miracles. Called in 1940 as a soldier, there ordinary leave is not given. From the summer of 1941 to the autumn of 1945 there was much to do. Continuous "holidays" and trips to "resorts" with a break to the hospital. The Crimea, the Caucasus, even abroad to Poland, East Prussia, Korea, and China brought. The truth is, everything came out somehow, then float, then march, then run, then run. Not even looking at beauty. And the people on the road did not come up to be very spiritual. Here is a full vacation.

Where to go? There were no two thoughts. Of course, the Union is large in size, occupies a sixth part of the land, but there is no place in it more sweet than the native village in Belarus. This is the same house, where it was only once in six long years, for a couple of hours in 1944, when Gomelskiy was liberated. And the main thing is to see his parents and sisters, whom he saw only once in the same six years for one day and one night.

He is already on the train. Of things only a small suitcase, the poor to dress - only to belt. And that the road from Salzburg to home is not close, so it is not a problem. As the saying goes, for a crazy dog, seven verts is not a hook. Flying like wings on wheels.

Home is joy, father, mother, sisters, the roof, and a small yard that once seemed big. He fell asleep under the haunting noise of the cycades and joyfully woke up from the usual, but forgotten knock of the hammer on the hammer of his father's carpet, which stood in the fence. During the day, I helped my parents, because August is a hot season in the village. In the evenings he went either to a few surviving acquaintances or to a village club, where there were dances under the patéfon.

There he met her, my grandmother, in a sitze dress. She hasn’t been home and hasn’t seen her parents for six years. Institute and work as a surgeon in a military hospital - not before the holidays was. They knew each other before the war, because they studied in parallel classes, but then did not communicate. They had very different families, she was from a wealthy family, the granddaughter of a rabbi, and he was the son of a simple carpenter. Now the times are completely different.

From the meeting to the offer - 3 days, because the vacation is over. A week from the proposal to the wedding. And then, seeing that he was late, I tapped the telegram in part, saying "I will marry, I will be out of vacation a little later." Not according to the rules of course, but "more front will not be sent, less company will not be given."

It was a strange wedding. The bride had no underwear and no fat – her entire wardrobe consisted of three dresses. There was no costume for the bridegroom - only a military kitten with three orders and four medals. There were no engagement rings - there was no gold money, and where to get them, tea is not the city. Do we need this community? There were not even half of relatives on both sides - they had been lying under a hill outside the outskirts of the village for 5 years, where they tried not to go without a reason. There was no majority of friends and girlfriends (From grandfather's class of the 39th year of issue in 1946 from the 21st boy left... three. Contured Are, the handless Yang, and he himself, but whole. There were no fashionable DJs - only a pathefon and a harmonist. There were no delicacies and wedding cake - they were able to get only a couple of strawberries of boiled potatoes, cooked the soup, and extracted a couple of basins of strawberries and 20 liters of muddy sameon, for which the last money went.

What will you live for? My aunt broke. You don’t have a living penny. And we cannot help.
“Don’t say nonsense, mom,” the bridegroom said, “we need to live today, and today we have a holiday.
And tomorrow?
Tomorrow may not be. And he knew what he was talking about, from the height of his 25 years and with the wisdom of an old man. He saw too many boys and girls for whom tomorrow never came.

So what happened at the wedding? And there was genuine joy, love, and the desire to live. Probably it is a lot. However, there was another desire, they both really wanted to go somewhere together, like on a wedding trip. But then there was no money, and he went to service back to the Far East, and she returned to Ukraine to a military hospital, where the last wounded were treated. They decided - she will come to him, and there they will definitely go on holiday together and spend their honeymoon.

About 8 months later, she came to him in Spassk. Grandfather broke out the young family's royal chords in the form of a room in a barracks of 10 square meters. In pleasure, he went to the chief-major and asked for an extraordinary leave. Imagine your dream of honeymoon. But the Major was astonished:
On vacation? Well, you can also consider. Just that. You write me a box of dynamite and an inflatable boat from the warehouse. Dynamite as an exercise, and a boat as an ineffective.
How will I do it? I am responsible. Give me a written order, I’ll give it.
Not officially, but by friendship. You are the store manager, you can write anything.
I will not go into theft.
Do you call me a thief?

Word for word, they fought terribly. In revenge, instead of a vacation, the mayor sent his grandfather to the hauptwacht. And I found the reason - the delay from the vacation, although so much time has passed.
If you don’t think about it until tomorrow, you’ll get seven days.

In the evening my grandmother asked:
I will not go to fake. Should I go on fighting with him? Or maybe at the headquarters? Or just go to the haunt?
You will not help the matter. It is better to sit on the hood. You will rest. I am angry with him on his honeymoon. Then we come together.

The officer is well on the hauptavahta - "if you want to sleep, go to bed, if you want to sing." He fell asleep, mostly playing dominoes and cards with officers. Very glorious rest, although from the planned honeymoon haupтвахта is very different. One sad thing, the vacation is over.

We never had a honeymoon together. Then came the daughter, and then another. Demobilization, work, students, sick, surgery, and again work, with children to the village to grandparents, and again to work. After - grandchildren, wounds, emigration. So for sixty years of life together, the two have not gone on vacation. There was no time, we had to live today.

"For sixty years, we have not been able to go on vacation together. Here are strangers. Everything was postponed for tomorrow. People just didn’t know how to live,” you might say.

You may be right, but I disagree with you. I think they knew, “Tomorrow may not be.”

When different religions call each other’s teachings lies, they consider it normal. But it is worth calling anyone a lie to them all - it immediately becomes an insult.

XHH: In our school, the teacher-economist conceptually resigned.

WOW: How is it?

He was asked to do more mathematics, saying there is a shortage of teachers in schools.

Q: And he asks, and what for replacement only 70% pay?

He says, yes, these are the rules. Enter into position. Either you go with them, or you go with them.

He said that the superiority of demand over supply is not the reason for the price decline.

A young man. Maybe they will start to treat people normally.

On other ladies, the tattoo looks like a stamp on a pig carcass.

An accident, a terrible thing, leaving people in the woods and carrying death. And each year their number is increasing due to increasing migration and the number of vehicles. Many circumstances also make adjustments - the quality of road coverage, weather conditions, etc. But the main thing is still the human factor, the driver's confidence in their skills and usually in such cases the speed meter is beyond a hundred kilometers mark. Of course, an accident can occur at sixty or even thirty, but usually in such cases the car suffers, not the driver and passengers, well, the manufacturer of the car and spare parts. No one cancelled the day.
We were two passengers, people we were unfamiliar, the driver set the price, we agreed. The passenger who was sitting in front came out 15 kilometers earlier. The car touched, rather it started. Renault was quite sharp, and the driver was a fun ballagour loving to press on the pedal. The road was shallow and when entering the next turn the car led. Not very much, but it led.
You hear! The passenger in front said, “Take eighty and no more.”
Okay well!! The driver was upset, all right. I need to do flights, so how much will I take you?! to
“I,” he said, “are eighty and no more,” said the passenger, “I have three children at home, will you feed them?”
Maybe you should have taken the bus! The driver was outrageous again.
Did I agree with you on the price? Did you take the money? - the passenger, cuddled in the pocket of the jacket and got a rather impressive pencil knife, threw off the blade and attached it to the driver's foot.
Oh yeah you are? The situation clearly became nervous.
and NICHE! - the passenger said all the same flegmatistically, - but as soon as the shooter for eighty passes over, I put him in the shed and knock it. One centimeter for every ten kilometers above, will it?
The driver turned out to be very disciplined, the car was running smoothly, without scratches, for seventy kilometers of the road made only two overtakings and then in the absolute absence of the opposite transport. I have not been driving so calmly for a long time. When the car was parked at the destination and the passenger in front left the cabin, the driver guided him with a long look.
Idiot of some sort! - He has a hard breath, - fucking, but at first glance you won't think!
And I thought, so I lighted the lightning of the road bag and said:
and eighty! And no more!
The car touched precisely and without scratches.

When checking documents on the Izmailovsky market, passports were found only in puppies of the English cocker spaniel.

Yesterday I was with my husband in the Leroy Merlin store, for the new year there are selling a lot of artificial trees. And there are tree trees made of prushes and stretched on them by myshura. Just such trees from the shrub - a budget option, so to speak. I tell my husband - when I was a child, we also put such a tree. Her dad himself welded from the armature, or something thinner there, and dad was the welder. The husband laughed, then saw my face and asked, “Are you serious?” I thought you were joking.



I thought it was such a different childhood. I had an armor tree cooked by my dad—and until this year it seemed quite normal to me.