A line in the clinic, the door of the office opens, the doctor on the whole corridor joyfully reports:
According to the data protection law, we do not have the right to invite patients by calling them by name. A man with syphilis, come in!

When I was a teenager, my girlfriend’s mother, being a little sluggish, said to me, “You know, you’re beautiful, even more beautiful than my daughter.” My girlfriend was nearby.

It was a very, very uncomfortable and sad moment.

The girl glanced and only smiled slightly. The girl objectively - cute, stylish, with a good figure. She loves her mother, and it is mutual.

I always liked her mother, she regretted my family problems and didn’t miss an opportunity to make a compliment or praise, but I’m not a Hollywood beauty.

Probably her mother didn’t understand what she said; we didn’t discuss it with a friend.

But... You know, my girlfriend’s face at that moment... That sad look and humility made me realize that this was not the first time my mom underestimated her. And it turned out to be true, often - in small things, less often - in more serious things.

The girl, growing up, did not become a complex gray mouse, but often sought love and approval, trying to be good for everyone.

But how can you think of yourself as the best if you have not been told about it?

Recently, he witnessed a conversation between the grandmother (B) of the buyer and the seller (P) in a small store of various electronic items: controls from household appliances, batteries, CD/DVD discs, computer components in Tver.

B: I need batteries in the TV controller.

Finger or little finger?

B: You are a seller, you must know!

Q: There are so many different types!

B: You know nothing!

B: Yes, there is another question. I did not buy a radio receiver in the store, the seller set it up for me. There were 15 channels and it all worked so loudly. When I got home, nothing worked. What may be?

Q: Where is your home?

B: Yes in the area.

Q: In which area of the city?

B: What a city! 70 kilometers to Tver.

Q: so you have a receiver there will not work, there are no FM stations, and the city is far away.

B: The phone is working.

Q: What kind of phone?

B: Cell, the tower is almost behind the garden!

Q: So what does this tower have to do with? This is not a radio station.

B: This is a shit, who has taken you as a seller! I go to the store, the seller is there.

A person produces 1-1. 5 liters of urine. Hitler lived 56 years.

365 * 56 = 20440 liters of urine.

In the high-haired years when Hitler urined on February 29, we

to ignore. We also ignore the fact that the urine consists only of water.

97% and that Hitler’s child produced slightly less urine than Hitler’s son.

The Adult Führer.

The volume of water on Earth is 1,386, 000, 000 cubic kilometers

Now take a glass for 180 grams of water.

One mouth of water, i.e. 18 grams, contains 6,022*10^23 molecules. in our

10 glasses of water. 6,022 * 10^24 molecules

If we assume that Hitler’s urine is distributed across the globe

equally, then in our glass 20440 * 6,022*10^24 / 1. 386x10 ^ 21

Water molecules that were in Hitler’s urine. That is, approximately 88 809 000.

Such a molecule.

That is, if you see a homeopathic remedy with the C10 label, then

The molecule of Hitler’s urine is 15,000 times larger.

The medication.

My employee once called, "I can't get out of the house, I was locked by a prostitute, and the keys were missing! After a couple of hours, the phone rings: “I tie the bands and go down the window!” (I lived on the 2nd floor, on the 3rd floor).

He said, “I lost myself in the woods and I don’t know where I am, I spent the night in the woods and I went out at dawn in search of a way out. “” has chosen.

He, some time later: "I will not go to work anymore, I went to Krasnodar region as a volunteer, there are going to shave the relic forest, we will save it! “...

All these scandals were true, too, but nevertheless, I consider this character a dwarf...

My daughter always taught me to take her garbage home. I ate my ice cream in my pocket and put it in the oven at home. Last New Year, a 16-year-old daughter pulled home a bottle of champagne. Children are growing.

Once in the kindergarten, we were asked the question: "What benefits does a chicken bring to a person?" There were options: feathers, eggs, meat, but no one named the most obvious option. Then I raised my hand and said, “They can be sacrificed!” The educator of the officel, the parents at home, of course, stunned, but I was no longer allowed to watch TV3 with them))

Women talk much faster than we listen.

"The longer I live in the white light, the more I am convinced that people of any kind are capable of arranging Armageddon. And the more desolate the wasteland, the more Armageddon Armageddon.

by Andrei Cterhov. From the book “Being a Dragon.”


“Style Syndrome”

It was long ago. Almost fifteen years ago.
There was one commercial office, thousands of which were in Russia. Well, as an office, not to be very large, but not a little bubble. Stores, shops and your own fleet. Three founders in equal shares, each has their own separate business, but all adequately, even family friends. Profit is not any, but not three pennies, for yachts and villas is not enough, but for a year for an apartment in Moscow for everyone, quite. The company practically did not interfere in the work, relying reasonably on the director.
And office workers are not so many, a standard set. Wholesale department, retail, accounting, personnel department, marketing, IT, in the last two to one person total. The director himself. The group is approximately half male/female.

The office is not that "Ah", but an entire floor with a separate entrance to the office center. Storage and car park right on the territory is convenient. The office has a kitchen with a chef and a small dining room (one room) for their own, with delicious and free (!) The Lunch.
Only here, the toilet in the office was one, without division into male-female.
Previously, questions and dissatisfaction with this fact did not arise, but somehow a delegation from the female half of the office came to the director. Headed by the office manager and in conjunction with the wife of one of the founders (it is boring to see if she sits at home). There is a problem with the toilet. The director, a man already young, but experienced and smart manager, tried to translate a little bit of everything into a joke:
Is our cleaner cleaning badly? Or do our boys not raise the chair or use the erchic to learn? I will put them! But it wasn’t a joke, it turned out to be a lot more serious.)
The cleanliness in the toilet and order, and the boys, as for selection, clean - in the right place get, and the stool is used, and the chair is raised, but here is the showdown - back they do not drop it! And women themselves to drop before the process is unpleasant - they whisper.
- She cries, hmm... Like a corporate in a cafe, a young carrier in a polluted toilet can suck and then stand with cancer, holding his hands to the toilet, but from the youthful expressive and massive enthusiasm still rhythmically touching a drunk moustache in a damned glass without a cover... - the director thought intelligently about himself, focusing a bad look on the office manager, the thirty-year-old blonde Irina, but broke down the unworthy thoughts for the right manager and said:
Okay, I’ll talk to the guys... but it wasn’t here. This delegation desires necessarily and urgently that the corresponding order be issued by it.
- Oh, and in the register we will still register, and in the folder with the founding documents we will put, so that the laughing stomachs of the inspectors will explode... More than that. I solve this issue, go work... - added in a firm voice and opened the door of the office.

Many think that the job of the director of a trading company is only strategic and marketing plans to build, sales tactics to brush, financial reports to analyze and the like, but often fifty percent of the time is spent by the manager on such questions and little things in the life of the organization.

He gathered the male part of the team after work, to clarify the situation. He immediately wiped out the indignation and discontent:
Only when you drop the chair, you also drop the cover. They had to raise them anyway. And to not forget, remember such a sign or belief - such as that after a long open toilet, at home or in the office - no matter, financial well-being flows... - the idea was accepted even with some enthusiasm. A good leader is first and foremost a wise person. Formally and literally fulfilled the request of the female half of the team and at the same time did not offend the men, showing that he was entirely on their side in this female capricious.

But not here it was... A few days later a delegation of female deputies in the same composition appeared to him again:
- You tell them not to drop the cover along with the chair! “How did you get me,” thought the director, looking at the founder’s wife.
Can you say it yourself? Do you think I have nothing more to do? Only your nonsense to have fun... And tomorrow you will think that you have gotten the eardrum in your hands to take and let the Light after you clean the toilet, after every relief... - has seriously raised the voice.
Semenova and you too. At your department, the sales plan burns in a blue flame, and you only think of the toilet... and every day without five and six is already at a low start. March to work! And so that I personally don't get off the phone... - a good break in time so helps to switch attention...

Irina concealed a wicked outrage, but her husband did not complain, she understood that he would go away from such a question or would send far and deep because of the vicious male solidarity. But she began to drop slowly on her husband's brains, blowing up every problem or lack to universal scales. Everyone knows about the night cat.
And soon this founder raised the question: Star mol (50th was not yet) and tired like our Nikolaich. They no longer catch mice. Indicators are growing, but somehow sluggish and weak and the plan is not always executed. We would need a new director, young, ambitious and literate, with a diploma of the Top University and necessarily with an MBA (Master of Business Administration) course, a super-popper advanced, successful manager, and that all in the science of American commerce, advanced business and business.

We found that, of course. They were fascinated simply, and how beautifully he "song"..., what a cool manager he is and how he can organize everything correctly, and how he raised the previous company from his knees...
- And your lift... - the founders looked confused, turned out to be on their knees. Even words through one highly intelligent and advanced drive: sales promotion, duo-diligence, styling, benchmarking,..., and with a cool English pronunciation... Then it was quite new - the founders were far from stupid, and here ears hanged and listened, mouths opened.
In short, he had twice as much money as Nicholas had.

And now we are not employees, but business units. And not bonuses and bonuses, but KPIs, and they were always pronounced in full: "Key Performance Indicators." Not customers, but leaders and distributors, not planners in sales departments, but brainsales, not a staff member, but a coach partner and so on...

The first time the results really rose, especially in the wholesale department, salespeople, scared of the new meth, worked the second month for all 110%. And the net profit of the company increased, primarily due to a decrease in the salary fund (bonuses and premiums cut), cost reductions (revised boundaries and regulations for return of goods and warranty repairs), debit decreased (retrobonuses for customers for default delay began to be cancelled), free lunches cancelled and the like. The founders were pleased and what we used to...

And then it went worse and worse. The new director, although super smart, but stupid, and also active. I did not understand that any company relies, first of all, on time-tested personnel and dedicated customers, and not only on built-up business processes, regulations and motivation systems. In America it may be so, but “This is Russia, baby.”
The new director was absolutely unable to build relationships with people, and arrogance across the border, retailers, drivers and freighters in general held for the swallow. In the end, the key employees were fired or they themselves began to be fired. The same Semenov with a thunderstorm kicked out, as not knowing how to properly (according to the textbook) organize a sales wreck. Oh, and you try in our circumstances according to the letter of this multi-minded work from the Nobel laureate to do something normal...
One of the leading sellers went to the competitors and managed to take away a key customer, who was just about 10% of all wholesale sales. Or he himself offended when his personal discount was cut, for a delayed (first time!) Payment for 2 days.
The flow among the lower staff also broke, the salary then suddenly became very and very average in the market. Mostly the best specialists left. For more or less acceptable selection of new candidates, the staff of the staff department had to be doubled. Another Aitishnikov recruited, they wrote him a new and very voluminous SRM (Customer Relationship Management), the old why did not arrange. Probably the course of the Mongolian Tugrik did not take into account...))

Planners and meetings (something common he did) turned into a multi-hour show of a self-loving teterev, who does not hear anyone but himself. He was so overlooked and first nicknamed "Teterov", and then "Trend" (his favorite word) was fixed. Isn’t this the root of the word “trending”?
And I began to spend more and more time "in the fields", trying under all sorts of noble pretexts to skip such meetings, so it became boring there, listening for hours to these new-fashioned words, probably generally correct, but in excessively general and unconcrete reasoning. Immediately I arose, then meetings with tenants, then important negotiations in the bank on pricing for invoicing, then unplanned selective accounting in the store together with the manager... And I also understood and decided for myself that it was necessary to roll, although it is offensive - I worked for many years, and achieved and created a lot. And here was the reason...

I went somehow to the warehouse in the office of the head of the transport and warehouse department, we started working with him from the very foundation of the company. He asked for help, demanded from him Trend reports weekly in XL, yes, difficult, and with graphs clever to reflect there, and loads of machines, and calls of unloading points, and distance, and fuel consumption on each, and flight hours, and shoulders of logistics... And Vitaly in computer literacy, gently to say, was not very, and about the shoulders in general hears for the first time. But he dragged a crazy amount of work and held a very diverse and diverse collective in the iron fist: drivers, loaders and warehouses. And the routes were made, and the repair of the machines was organized, the reception of goods and shipments, the board and the road sheets were led and the warehouse records were conducted, the cleaning of the territory was also responsible, a lot of things... Better at least three positions combined.

He has one of the new айтишников in the office behind the comp, a low and full-heavy guy, and somehow he is unpleasant and outwardly unclean, with long planted hair, gathered on the back of the head in a bumpy bunch. And he had another ugly feature - he constantly bursting under his nose, but clearly enough that everyone heard.
- Cracked, stupid users... They have already got their debility... It’s just how you can be so stupid...
Do you tolerate it? I am already in Vitaly. He, as I realized, took something wrong on the compass in the park. He became red, his teeth crushed, but he remained silent.
– And I won’t... Let’s go, computer genius, with me... Here is not far... – with these words I took the aithishnik behind the not very clean neck and squeezed it tightly with my fingers, bending them like cloves. He whispered that it was you, but immediately gave up and I took him out.
He was scared not for a joke, he decided that it would not be childish to bite him now.
As in the immortal "Twelve Chairs" of Ilf and Petrov: "Here Pasha Emilievitch, who possessed a supernatural sensation, realized that now he would be beaten, even with his legs...", and I only, going out on the street, pointed to him, standing next to the warehouse, "Gazel".
Do you see the ashes?
I can’t hear!! Stronger and fingers stronger.
and y-jo...
He does not want to enter. You have 15 minutes to determine the cause. The keys to the castle... time has passed! I will be next door.

What does it mean that you do not know and do not know? stupid is it? Al Luther is stunned. Give me something as an excuse...
I pointed my hand to the office... He knows and knows, and a lot more, and something that you never dreamed in your worst dream. And if you are better at something, in your own, highly specialized - it does not mean that you are the smartest here, and the rest are fools... rather the opposite. Because others have much broader knowledge, skills, experience and tasks. And if I, again... or someone else... hear from you about stupid users... did you understand?
I understand... very quiet. We cried louder...
I can’t hear!!! to
I understand, I understand!

He understood nothing, and immediately ran to cry to Trend, I, you see, insulted him with his action. Oh, if I really wanted to hurt you, even by almost inaction, you would have run out now on the crackers, calling my mom and getting confused in the soples... Oh, in the army you would have learned how there are knockers...
Called into the office of Trend, I entered already with a written statement, what to listen to here and so everything is clear.
A week later, Vitaly resigned.

It is clear that there are no irreplaceable people and constantly recruited new employees, but it seems like the same and similar "doers" and "hand of drivers", and the company was gradually entering the scale, wholesale and retail revenue dropped significantly, almost half of the stores suddenly felt the bottom, somehow very easily passing down the "point of no loss". Expenditures on the fund for some reason increased by almost 15% (mainly at the expense of "non-producing" and administrative employees), but there were significant delays in payment to all. Naturally, "the people ran away", theft in warehouses, shortages in retail...
After some time, the founders finally grabbed, and after understanding it, they grabbed their heads... - and Trend with the scandal were expelled. Probably now somewhere again the company "raises off the knees"...)
What was successfully built over the years and brought profit, in less than six months went into a deep minus and began to literally collapse in front of the eyes. They tried to correct the situation, even more than a year, a whole group of steep anti-crisis managers (directors) happened, but the train seemed to have left.
Even between them the founders seriously fought up, up to the murder and threats to "wrap", it is understandable, one thing is to put profits in the pocket or develop new directions and projects, quite another - to calculate losses, constantly investing, like a black hole, from other sources.

The outcome is sad, but it turns out that the catastrophe started with nothing, with some ordinary and banal question about the rules of using the toilet! Like a snow lava with a small snowflake!

And I have had a very figurative, tangible and meaningful expression in my lexicon since then - "Stolchak Syndrome".

Vase his father bought the company and now Vasa will tell us how to open your business from scratch and what to pay attention to.

The summer. The heat. Mother (M), I and my younger sister (C) 5 years back from the beach a short way - that is, climb right on the slope of the mountain, along a rocky stone trail. It’s easy and fun down there.

M is all! I can’t wash that bag anymore.

I take the bag, I take the bag. Really unrealistically heavy. We joked all the way that there was a valley in it.

We get to the “base”, I break out the bag, and there... really a stone! Unclean as such. Wrapped in the towel.

I am : Sister! Did you put a stone here? ! to

A: It was the wind! I put stuff on...

I: Why did I wrap him? ! to

Well, tomorrow there will be wind too! This is our stone!

One day we went to our distant relatives for a wedding. My brother was then unmarried, and for some reason his freedom did not give peace to women, our relatives. But Artem developed an antidote to encouraging him to introduce him to the girl, rightly believing that he himself could find a couple, and stumbled over attempts to marry him.

In general, we came to the wedding, and plant Artem next to a girl whose figure resembles a monument (kg 150). The girl begins on the move to build eyes on my cousin, who does not react but understands that the evening was lost to him.

The girl, in an attempt to capture Theme’s attention and hint that Thema should take care of her:

Young man, could you do me a favor?

Arthem and Hmuro:

Just a ritual.



The flirt is over.

In the recent past, I worked in an internet provider, building networks for them.

One day, the chief decided that the construction department was building slowly and silly.

In this regard - appointed us "an effective manager who will ride with us on the facilities and monitor the work"

The manager was a 20-year-old girl who did not see the gestures and did not hold the cable in her hand.

We arrive on the first day, i.e. at the object.

The basement is dirty, dirty, stinking.

We ask the girl, will you go there with us?

Yes, he says, I need to monitor your work!

So go, we’ll collect the equipment.

is leaving.

Within a minute, the top and whisper, (the bullet flies out)

There is bomb!

And what?

He is naked!

Well and what?

He has a whisper!

No more “effective managers” were sent to us.

Picture in the supermarket at the shelf with children's food.

The actors are a father with a son, about a year.

Papanya takes one puddle in the "deepacks" gives to the son - that squeezes from the pack, returns to the father, that closes, puts in place, with the second they do the same thing) Here the mommy runs - "You are a fuck? " (I thought aggressive, but adequate) - closes the pie and puts on the shelf with the words - "It's cold! "

I had the idea of taking my wife to the corporate, and this is the problem - she has all my humility, does not want to go :) In the end, I persuaded:



I am I, I am my wife

You are okay, go on!

No, I will not go! Everyone will be without wives, but you and your wife.

I’m okay, I’ll tell everyone to come with their wives!

How many people will there be? And you already have a restaurant ordered for a certain number of people...

I - and there will be no problems, Semenich has already told me that his wife will definitely not come, and the other wives do not!

How are there no wives? Are all the others straight? All of all?

I am – all the others are women!



I went :)))

The main thing is that in the new year the black stripes of the old year are not white.

“Miracle in the feathers.” (The New Year’s Story )

“In a white coat with a bloody cloth, with a cheerful cavalry walk.”
by M.A. Bulgakov

When the daughter was studying at the university, and the money was as usual tight, they and their girlfriend decided to organize a congratulatory event for the New Year.
If anyone does not know, then in the pre-New Year hours with Santa Claus tension, everyone lacks.
With Snowmen, of course, too, but it was so that the gifts to the children from their bag is always distributed by Santa Claus.
And in every family where there are children, on December 31, from evening to midnight, children dream of a miracle, waiting for the arrival of Santa and Snowball with gifts.

The Santa Claus costume was made well.
It was the white coat "with a bloody cloth" from the prosecutor's suit, and became the basis of Santa Claus' dress.
(Everything that resembled the dress of Santa Claus was dismantled in the theater before them.)

After some finishing, covered with frosty patterns of a sky-blue piece with the addition of other attributes, Santa's decor looked stylish and shopping rich.
In the same theater, where the prosecutor's suit was rented, neither the guard nor the sanitary was found for the role of the main character. Convinced for a couple of bottles with a white bonus, and accepted into their gang.

Gave an advertisement in the newspaper, gathered orders, talked by phone with the parents of the children. We scheduled a minute route of transportation around the city with a reserve of time for unforeseen circumstances. I ordered a taxi.
The Snowmen costume.

Here they were waiting for.
No matter how hard they tried, no matter where they looked, but they never managed to get the Snowmen costume. The situation was critical.
The case saved the situation. A friend recalled that after the corporative, which was with her father the day before, a dozen two penguin costumes were taken home to them for temporary storage.

In the pre-New Year days, we all live in anticipation of a miracle. Miracles sometimes happen unexpectedly.

The appearance at the door of the apartment of Santa Claus with two penguins, at first the parents caused some shock. But Santa's roaring bass and incredible loading to the fun of the two Penguins, supported by jokes and additions, every time produced magic.
Parents also suddenly began to feel like little children. Together with their children, they read poems from the chair, fought in jokes and exchanged prizes, led chords and sang songs, and together with the congratulators were angry in the puppy enthusiasm of each other.

The noise and laughter of the neighbors looked around the venue, some with children.
They also participated in the game, exchanged gifts and homemade cakes.

And nobody whispered that penguins lived on another pole.
New Year’s Day is a celebration throughout the world.

Everyone with the next!
* * * *

The funniest question is, “When are you getting married?” This was stated by the correspondent of the National Media Group, headed by Alina Kabaeva.

Humans are 60% water, the rest does not drown.

I am not against charity. In a sense, even for. How good it would be to do a good deed, to help someone. You try, you get into a position, and as a result, a shit.

Factory and evening shift. Two young daughters come in, but they struggle hard at the door.
Did you want something? I am the senior change. No work and no money for food? Well, a little we can help you. “Look, these bags of garbage, drag them away to the garbage collector, and you will get twenty shekels. Why can’t you, the bags are not heavy at all? Oh, just give you twenty shekels. Sorry, but here is production, not a free dining room. Money must be earned.

Very late in the evening, I go home by car. Cross, stopped at the light. A man knocks at the window with a motorcycle helmet in his hand. I lower the glass.
Is the gas ended? And no money? Where is your motorcycle? in the tank. How much? Twenty shillings? No problem, dear, sit in the car with me, we will go to the gas station, I will fill you with a full tank so that it will be enough to get home. How not? Give you money. No, dear, I will not give you the money for the dose. What!! He went there himself!! to

In the middle of the working day. I leave Tel Aviv in the northern direction. The bus stop. A young man votes. I stop and drop the glass.
Hi to you. What trouble happened? Should I go, and the wallet with money and cards stolen? and where? to Netanyahu. This is on our way. Sit down, I’m just going to Netanyahu, I’ll land near the police station. I need to go there too. In addition, you will submit a report on theft. I am not a police officer, I am an engineer, I teach them to eat. Where did you run!

The evening. A bell at the door of the apartment. I open. At the threshold, a young man in a black lapsard, a hat of the same color and long, hanging to the neck peys.
Good night, how can I help? Sorry, what are you going for? Have you tried work? Can you not? Why is? “In the sweat of your face you will eat bread.” You try, in our warehouse loaders are needed...Well, where did you run!

Friday morning in the supermarket. Back to the box. Two cute girls, aged 16-18 years.
Yes to hello. Sorry what? You help the poor with food. What to do? To pay this? I just received the award, I will be happy to help. How much money did you invest, let me ask you? When are you collecting? To earn yourself? What does it mean nowhere? That is not the problem.
I get the phone:
Hi to you! Is it a cleaning company? I need to clean up my apartment today. Yes, I agree to pay for urgency. I need to (list the types of work). How much will it cost me? Approximately 200 shekels. Sorry, but how long will it take? About three hours. Thanks, I will call you again.
I put my phone in my pocket, I get a notebook and a pen.
- Girls, here is my address, it is here, not far away. The wife at home, she will give you everything to clean, even what to change clothes. I will call her now. You two, if you work an hour and a half, I will pay you 300 shekels. It will be your and my personal contribution to such a good cause. Do I call my wife? Girls, girls, where have you gone?
No, do not break it. This is out of those girls, they changed their minds. I put it aside. This is my credit card. thank you. Have a good weekend!

That's how, just gather to do charity, as it turns out that it is no longer necessary.