bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №148729
 02.02.2018
A good thing, a smart bracelet, we have with our wife who took less steps in a day, and walks with the dog before going to bed.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №148728
 02.02.2018
If I did, I would call an ambulance too. just squeeze the body immediately taken, or will then begin to break down, the whole apartment is worn, the neighbors are hemorrhoids. somehow so

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №148727
 02.02.2018
call to the worker.

Department of Personnel.

Sergey, the elections are soon. Order on Organization: Ensure 100% participation of employees in the elections! You are responsible for the appearance of your subordinates.

I fell into a precipitation. Immediately and all.

Sorry, how do you see this process? ! to Should I be presented with a photo of the bulletin?

Well, I do not know...

I do not know. The choice is personal: whoever wanted to go, whoever did not want to go. And I am not going to control it. If there is such an order, send it to me, and I will inform the people.

Oral orders are. In short, I told you, think for yourself.



I put the phone.

I thought.

Oral orders are not documents.

The Soviet times and the army.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №148726
 02.02.2018
> Cook a plate of oatmeal. The Same. With my pen. It is simple and very fast.

Child, when I was twenty and after universe and work I was invaded by the usual plate of uneatable hueta (if a person is not given to cook, it is half a bad thing, but when he thinks otherwise - it is a bad thing), I did about that.
After that, I had to appoint the dean, the trade committee and two pro-rectors to allocate a place in the community - I, as a local, was not required. Okay, the place was found.
Because at home, after the cooked dish of oatmeal, they did not want me to see again, lol.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №148725
 02.02.2018
Listening to the bar:
“Listen, architect, but recently I also painted the house! Let me show!
Do not need...
No-no, seriously, I’m wondering how it went. From a professional point of view.
Fuck, it is true...
Here is! My first home! How about you?
Silence for a minute.
It looks exactly like the first house painted by a man. I looked the same.
Yes well! Show me your first!
I can not. I laid the drawings of my fifty house next to him, and it burned out of shame into ashes.

The other man was not hurt.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №148724
 02.02.2018
XXX: daughter of the year 1. 5 I asked her where she came from.

X: I told her that it was from my life. Where is the stomach from? Dad put a cage there. The child cried and was satisfied with the answer. passed 1. 5 years. The daughter came from the kindergarten and said that not all the children in the group came from my mother’s belly. Here, for example, Yarika was bought in a children's store, and Nastya peeled out of an egg. And after an hour in the parental room, it started: why tell your child such details? ! to ? to You can’t say “everything” about cabbage or store – come up with something, not cells in your stomach.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №148723
 02.02.2018
With each season of the series more and more.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №148722
 02.02.2018
I went into the Carousel a few days ago, packing shopping from a cart for bags. Suits a man, looks like Jigourdu: healthy, loose, but very unclean. The further dialogue:
Q: Can you give me 50 rubles?
I: Have you tried to earn? Which is healthy.
M: Everyone says that, but no one offers a job.
I look at my three heavy packs and say:
I: Help to get to the car, I’ll give a half.
The man looks at me sadly and says with a loud voice:
M: Well, you can’t just normally give money, right?
He went into the crowd...

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №148721
 02.02.2018
Well, my beloved daughters, what can I bring to you from overseas countries?
Give it up! So we are not going?

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №148720
 02.02.2018
A blind rabbit runs along the path and stumbles at the snake. He speaks to the serpent:
“Sorry, I am blind and have not seen you, because I am blind, I don’t even know who I am.
The serpent answered:
I understand you. I am blind and I don’t know who I am.
The Rabbit offers:
Let’s feel each other and determine who we are.
The snake touches the rabbit and says:
You are soft, furry, with a short tail and long ears. You are probably a rabbit.
The rabbit, in turn, felt the snake and said:
You are cold, slippery, you have a small head and a very long tongue. You may be a producer or project manager.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №148719
 02.02.2018
We just recently watched Bahubali and talked about strong Indian women. Seriously. The average Indian woman can easily stop an elephant running on her by a halope. Three. At the same time, she will hold a child in one hand, and the other will be defeated by thirty soldiers. She’ll have a cup with fire on her head and yes, she’ll probably be giving birth to the second one at that moment.

[ + 27 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №148718
 02.02.2018
here here :

Almost 5 years I took for one simple thing - to teach my wife that my husband, lying on the floor in the neighboring room, with the light off, closed the door in the most accessible silence, not "What did you offend?", not "why do you shower again?", not "I am tired of you?", and still a bunch of options, but only "I rest, I am tired of the noise of the workshop for the day and I got tired of the back from working at the machine, I need half an hour and I will come back to normal and I will be at your disposal and I do not need: clothes, tea, coffee, cat, to be nearby, sing a song, sex, strip, conversation, scandal, insults, make a taste, order Only 5 years of scandals, cluttered nerves and divorce bars almost daily, and a hurricane - the simple truth came to my sunshine - "Well, I would say that you just want to be a little alone in silence, darkness and on the floor, why have I been nervous for 5 years?and "
* thick inscription off*

This is my hero! In just five incomplete years, she taught her husband to speak through his mouth, not to send telepathic waves. Where is she? Show me her! If she gives lessons, I’m the first to record.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №148717
 02.02.2018
The Winter! Students of Ohio,
A tram awaits at the stop.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №148716
 02.02.2018
XXX: Where are you working?

YYY: in the state institution.

Tell me something about the state.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

XXX is class!! to

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №148715
 02.02.2018
Article about Amazon.

Amazon presented the new project as “the first store without queues.” “No queues, no cash, seriously, no,” the advertisement posters on the facade of the store.
...
On the opening day, there was a row around the supermarket. There were so many people who wanted to see the first automated store that the line rounded the building.

[ + 21 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №148714
 02.02.2018
The Neivans

Do not write poetry, and do not write.
Better to hide the fist.
Better even, if not your own.
to the moose on the goat,

So that the fox and the heel will swallow in the blood,
Not to want again.
Removing the suffering of the soul.
I didn’t write, and I didn’t. Do not write.


[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №148713
 02.02.2018
My wife lived in different cities. Before her final move to me and the wedding, I had to come to each other several times a year. Mostly rented apartments from people who rent out on a daily basis. Take for a week and get a discount.

This time, they found an apartment, gave money, asked about the internet, and he said no. Well, there is a mobile internet, we survive.

We met, came to the apartment, did not see for a long time, all the affairs...

Then she went into the shower, and I decided naked and with her belt at the bathroom door to wait, in order to arrange the cheerful jokes. The Young Case...

Well, I stand, I mean, naked and with a belt, fully prepared for various acts of a sexual nature. Suddenly, from the entrance door, the sound of a turning key is heard, the door opens, some man enters, looks at me. Put the router on the floor. He leaves, closes the door.

For a week no one came or called, when they left, they called themselves, told them to put the key on the shelf and lock the door. Usually they come to check whether we sprinkled the microwave and the tea.

The man, apparently, did not know that someone had already come, but he knew that those who would come seem to need the internet. You have to knock anyway.

[ + 27 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №148712
 02.02.2018
The driver told me what happened to them during the day-to-day change of driving:

On Saturday evening, after a day of work, I drove for a walk with friends. Go to the billiard. The ball fell, and I leaned up. Further, my friends told me: I bended, rested on the roof and fell asleep on the seats.

Pepead gathered to take a bath... and fell asleep for two cups. I woke up in wrinkles, like my grandfather, the water was cold, frozen.

B night club fell asleep in a public toilet. Friends barely found the ego, so my mother called home. Pocle her words "and you ego everywhere looking for" paid attention to the huge row in the male toilet. I had to call the guard - they removed the doors c petal.

I decided to read the messages of the pepeed them, how to get out of the car... and fell asleep for 3 chaca.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №148711
 01.02.2018
A friend joked:
– Ecli plans to get to the police for a violation, it is better to do all this at the beginning of the month.
Why is? I asked.
- At the end of the month (or quarter) the NAC may burn plans for fines, violations, disclosure of crimes.
- So, in order to close your plan, can you qualify a normal fight as a criminal case?
and yes. This system was supposedly abolished in 2010, but nothing like that. Plans have been and will be.
Does the leadership mean that in our country conditions will never improve and crimes will always be in the same number?
Something of this kind. Moreover, crimes can even rise (according to statistics). On the other hand, you have to consider mentality. Ecley will not have plans, then nobody will work at all. You yourself know what in most cases people go to the initial positions in law enforcement agencies.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №148710
 01.02.2018
It was a long time ago, my children were still small. My son came from school with the impression:
“Mommy, we passed through every night as children are born.
I am a physiology teacher and I am not surprised. Prepare for a conversation on the subject.
Do you understand how this happens?
Children are coming out of life.
How do they get alive?
Father’s sperm fertilizes the mother’s egg.
Where does this happen?
B is alive.
Well, I was pleased that the child was explained all popularly without misunderstanding.
A little later, the son leaves the room, holding his younger sister’s hand, and officially declares:
“Mommy, I and I decided that our family needed one child. You, wherever you are going to swallow Daddy’s sperm, invite us to see.
I barely fell from the chair. About the main thing in school, it turns out, were silent.
By the way, now my children are adults, and yet one sister many years later they still got.

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