bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №152007
 27.03.2019
The teacher was fired because she was photographed in a swimsuit.

Not for passes, not for professional inadequacy, not for the flagrant violation of safety rules, which entailed irreparable and even not for drunkenness at work. No is.
Photo in the swimsuit.
I don’t know if it is specially stipulated to wear swimsuits and subsequent photography in those in pedagogical universities, whether there are any special prescriptions for teachers in this regard, whether there are professional, teaching models of swimsuits, photo cards in which they are not a crack, whether there is a state commission regulating the length of teaching shirts and the depth of teaching decoltes. I do not have such information.
But I know that many teachers have children. For the majority! Do you understand? No is? Think of it! Children – what are they for? Not from EIS. No No No No! And not in the cabbage they are discovered with a confused look, no matter how you want it! Children, unfortunately and ah - always from sex. Do you understand?
Sex is what? This is a form of shame! Write in writing! The stones! The screams! the sweat! The sperm! Oleg, take my hair! Tanya, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy!! Do you understand?
And then are they teaching the children with these same hands? Do you understand logic?
What an immorality! No swimsuit has stood next to such a devil! They have sex, but they do not have swimsuits at all! It is insane!
And the toilet! They go there and naturally crawl! As long as I am not ashamed! The proud name of the teacher is worn, and themselves at the same time - cacao from the poop. I apologize in the most trivial way. The shit! They are born! Not pearls, not glitters, not even butterflies! And the teachers! And they have sex, and they crack, and when they hit the foot of the table at home with a little bit - they say, "Hah fuck!" They really say!
We should build with them! No to sex! No swimsuits though. No other excesses!
Go out, get out! You are photographing, you know. The shameless ones! This is not Soviet, comrades! It is not for that we went to Kolchak in the Sabbath attack, so that you here later, in the bright future, sex and swimsuits were produced! It was not for this reason that Lazio burned in the ball! Oh you! The shame!

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №152006
 27.03.2019
Stupid Americans do not understand that a person named Mueller will not be able to reveal our agent in principle!

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №152005
 26.03.2019
Robots are the subject. I have a Chinese version of this monster and it is protective. It has fall sensors from the bottom for the case of the multi-storey of your home and this leads to a situation that would please Nietzsche himself. I don't have a staircase, but there is a carpet in the hall with small areas of black (well, the color is like that). He runs on them, stops intentionally and begins to scream that he will not move from his place because he sees an abyss under him. He, a small round piece of plastic and iron, looks at such a banal thing as a carpet and sees there Great Nothing. Technical support advised to glue the sensors to be white and he is joyfully chasing the carpet. But I know that I blinded him and deprived him of something existentially important.

[ + 19 - ] Comment quote №152004
 26.03.2019
The state pays its debts the worst.

[ + 41 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №152003
 26.03.2019
We have not been friends with television for 10 years. No, from his side, the attitude towards me is very worthy - he often lets me to himself, but - unfortunately, it is not mutual. To see him, and even to exalt myself in him, above my strength. Therefore, most often I hear about what is happening in this amazing world either from my grandfather, or in the form of short clips that the partners drop.
Namely one of them showed me a piece of the show "The Secret Millionaire". I really liked the topic. Compared to the races on sports cars, it is 100 points ahead. I remembered the story of one of my acquaintances:
“My friend, Sergey, was very lucky in the 90s. He chose the right niche of business, plannedly developed, paid where needed, changed the "color" of the roof from blue to red in time, and then at the very beginning of 98 began a deal to sell all assets - decided to leave the business, pack in foreign bonds and live in his pleasure somewhere in the warm regions. By the summer, the deal was closed, the money was withdrawn and successfully invested through foreign banks.
Serega sold out small assets such as houses and distributed things to relatives and friends. I then got a puddle, an antique candlestick for 7 kilograms of silver, and some old Lincoln killed. Before leaving, in early August 1998, Sergey and I decided to sit together with him. The house he has already sold, but by agreement with the owners, today made her "arevoar", from the morning handing over the keys to the owners. I don’t remember how it happened, but we talked about the country. About the same homeland, which we hardly knew with him, because both were born and grew up in Moscow in intelligent families. No, we were in the regions, but it was a “look on Africa from the window of a armored jeep,” nothing more. As alcohol was consumed in Sereg, the desire to get acquainted with the Russian depths was born and strengthened before leaving. The result of this desire was a decisive departure from the house to the heart of Arbat in the direction of the region, despite all my cautions. The new owner left the door open and a note with the keys. How many we traveled with him that night and morning - probably 300-400 kilometers. We went to a small town. “All of. I stay here to live. I will learn to love my country.”
My attempts to understand Sereg in the format "You are waiting in Milan, Switzerland and Barbados" failed to convince him.
I was given the keys of the jeep, written a credential and sent a request to take it "in a couple of months."
Eventually I realized that I needed to give him a couple of days to recover, and left for the capital. But when I returned a few days later, I had difficulty finding Sergei. He, dressed in a telogreek, cut wood in the courtyard of some subordinate man, and sent me back to the capital with his mother. A couple of weeks later, I tried again to get Sergey out of this hole, but this time I found him on the market for the sale of a simple snail, and his manner of trading could be envious of the primadonna of Odessa. Most importantly, Sergey was happy. There was a smile on his face, like a fool, but I knew him too well to recognize the feeling of deep and sincere happiness that he lacked so much in the capital.
Well, then, it was August 17, 1998 and I didn’t have to go to Serega for a long time. Not that it wasn’t before him—no, I remembered him. But being financially literate, I understood that his investment in Eurobonds would be subjected to a minimum drop, that he was a lucky man to look for, and that he separated from all that happiness only one ticket to the capital and one call to the bank. Eight months have passed. It was 1999, the crisis grew, the banks collapsed, people were shot for debt and everything was "like not very". I felt a deep loss. There was a bell in the hallway.
When I saw the unknown bearded man in the eye, I asked, “Who?” He almost fell down when he heard Sereghin’s voice. Opening the door, we fell in each other’s arms. Serena was murdered. From a disgraceful Moscow "boy" he turned into a real Russian man, with the smell of the same and garlic. In his eyes was genuine happiness. Sergey just blossomed, looked tight and the smile did not go down from his face. Leaving the surprise of the encounter, I noticed after him on the staircase cage a modestly wrapped in a sweater slightly pregnant girl, apparently embarrassed to approach.
- Meet me, this is Jan, my wife, we are expecting a child with her.
We sat at the table.
Sergei told me how he lived in the Mouth. First found a corner for small work at home, then began to spin around the little things, using business smart. The legend of him was very honest - a Moscow businessman, quarreled with big people, lost business, housing and can not be closer than 300 km to the capital, otherwise they are buried. The locals, far from the capital realities, and remembering the Soviet 101 kilometers, took everything to faith, especially from the Arbat apartment Serega really was discharged and was no longer written anywhere. Sergey helped the citizens as he could and did not climb anywhere. In the autumn I met Jan, fell in love, moved to her house, played a wedding, and now they are expecting a child.
When I quit smoking, Sergey said:
“Thank you for not giving me up. Jane is nothing now. During this year I thought seriously – I won’t be able to live there. I hear that fucking I will be there. So I decided to stay. I why still decided to return - here the newspaper in the local municipality got - "KommersantЪ". I looked at the courses - now clearly the bottom. We need to take assets. If you want, join me too. I also came up with a scheme - through UBS we place euro bonds, then through Cyprus we pump bubbles here and buy shares. Even with a small shoulder. Then I structure the assets and get a mining package, say, in Lukoil or Sibneft. What an idea? You won't believe, wood when you roll - it doesn't come to mind yet. I advise.

P.S Sergey eventually became a minority of several of the country’s largest companies. I even saw him once in the "list of someone there" with the signature "investor". He didn't tell his wife, he just said that he had found a place and arranged things.

P.S.2 - the citizens who helped him, Sergey also thanked - and wisely. He leased various agricultural machinery or trucks to a partner's company and gave them to the locals free of charge on the terms of a regular TO. You cannot drink - it is not yours, you will not serve - you will be taken. Young talented people in the capital helped to build.

[ + 34 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №152002
 26.03.2019
Deputies of Kazakhstan have proposed to rename the new president Kasym-Jomart Tokayev to Nursultan Nazarbayev.

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №152001
 26.03.2019
History of long years, even when he studied in the medical university. I have replaced the names and departments for ethical reasons, because of this, I omit the distinctive marks of people, although the description of each of them can flow into a separate story.

We had a terribly harmful teacher Elena, in addition, terrible - chew. A guy from the neighboring stream asked her to take the bill a few days earlier, because the whole family is leaving and he would like to leave with them, and she is not in any, and it's all!

The boy was upset and went to his evening circle for surgery. He was led by a tough, but very insightful Burjong. He looks at Andrew and asks, “Why are you so upset? “” He told his sadness, to which Borjong said, "Come to her tomorrow at the department and try to give up again."

This time Elena welcomed Andrei with open arms: "Why didn't you immediately say that you have such difficulties? 』 He counted on one breath.

Andrei joyfully comes to Borjon and asks, what happened to the "beautiful" Elena, why has she changed so much? Borjon smiled and said, “Let no one beat her! »

I have not seen greater self-sacrifice for my students.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №152000
 26.03.2019
Recently in Peter taxi drivers very actively began to use the fact that when concluding a car rental agreement and its violation, the police shoot off the victims. Law enforcement officers are referred to civil-legal relations. There are no penalties in their opinion. Understand it yourself.

Cases where drivers do not pay rent are not counted. Just come, throw the car, the keys on the wheel and goodbye, or more precisely, say goodbye. The box is also empty. Sometimes they try to steal the car, or give it to dismantle. According to the police, this is self-government. We gave the car at our disposal.

Here and another driver, having accumulated debts of 15 thousand, struck a car without gasoline, dirty, to look disgusting. Yes, even without a phone.

Why did I go so far? I know this man for two years. Naturally, when he asked for delayed payments, I allowed without talking. A familiar one! How not to help... A shit with money? Buy a rental today for 0 rubles.

In general, he disappeared, does not respond to the calls, the spouse first said that he was alive and healthy, will definitely call again, and then began to send us.

It was offensive. I’m human, and he... well, his choice.

I had to go to law enforcement and persuade them for a long time that the theft of the phone and non-payment of the rental is a planned fraud based on abuse of personal relationships. I knew him for a long time, and the contractor two years ago has not thrown out yet.

And the T-DAM! organs are aroused.

They found the perpetrator and brought him.

I wanted everything back, the driver said, just no money at all. And I once, and printing orders. He had money.

The phone was lost, theft was not gathered, he said. And I once, and I show the geolocation. She is right in his house.

Like a cherry cheese - while the taxi driver's wife took the phone to the office, the taxi driver himself promised me, sorry, to fuck. The result: the measure before the court - arrest, he threatened the victim.

In general, the man sat off for 4 months without a small and was released on condition. And all because of some damn 25 thousand, which if you wish I could earn in two weeks. It’s a good reputation to the hell, but it’s a puppy for him.

The debt returned.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №151999
 26.03.2019
Ten years ago I was with friends in Euphoria. Just then, by a long-standing habit, went to exchange money to the market and not to the bank - the rate is more advantageous. He exchanged hryvnia with a local Tatar and went on business. An hour later, after recounting the money, he realized that more than half was missing, was upset and began to "pull off" the time back, remembering all the transactions with money. When I remembered everything, I came to the conclusion that I was thrown to change at the bazar. He changed so - a fairly large amount, 900 hryvnia, issued small notes of 10 and 20 hryvnia (this surprised me - why the exchange gives, but did not warn). When he gave me the money I recounted with him and it was not enough 10 hryvnia, changed took the money, recounted them, confirmed that I was wrong, 10 hryvnia and returned a package. I put it in my pocket and left. Apparently, when recounting, he completely unnoticed for me took about half a thick pack of banknotes.

I went with two friends, Leah and Misha, to the market with a change to talk. I was terribly depressed that I was deceived as a baby and didn’t want to believe it. They went into the market and immediately came to the offender. Misha began to hit him on the go, I insecurely accused him of cheating, and Lecha merged somewhere, which made me very upset. Tatarin saw doubts on our side and popped in the counterattack: "Yes, you tempted me to blame me! You will answer for it! I’ll call serious guys now and you’ll really regret it!” (All this in other, more appropriate words) We and Misha have already begun to squeeze and here, from wherever you go, Lecha appears and as popper on a swing with threats, pushes and raids! Changed his back to give back into the space between the larks threatening us with a punishment, the degree of tension sharply increased... He grabbed the phone with a scream "Kids you, guys will come and cut you! " I threw up possible problems and thought that the stolen money was not worth it, Miha also doubted, but Lohah was perched like a tank! And here, as soon as the change was caught between the bars, he changed dramatically literally in everything - stopped shaking hands and threatening us and said in a quiet calm voice: "OK guys, how much do I owe you?" To say that I was surprised – nothing to say...))

Having received our money back, we quickly left the market and walked the streets joyfully discussing what had happened. And of course, we asked Lech where he dropped in the beginning when he was supposed to be with us. And Losha calmly replied, "Well where did you, fools, immediately use nothing without knowing? While you were mourning like macacos with this breeder, I approached my grandmother, who traded seeds, and asked if the deceiver was this guy and whether he was giving back the stolen stuff. The grandmother confirmed that he threw and gave the money if "just laugh!"

This is what actual intelligence means. The young man, of course, is lazy))

[ + 15 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №151998
 25.03.2019
The whole trouble of the former republics of the USSR lies in the fact that most of them want to have sovereignty, but at the same time to be a subsidy region of Russia.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №151997
 25.03.2019
The State Duma adopted in the third, final reading the law on the indexation of pensions above the subsistence minimum. This is a “good” topic. The only question is who gets pensions below the subsistence minimum? I know one category of such citizens by duty of service. These are persons serving criminal sentences. Those who have worked, then mostly in the camp (not pioneering), naturally not quite voluntarily. There was no time when he stole, drank, went to prison for romance. Per this category includes those who are employed informally, even those who receive a "grey salary". In general, those who barely replenish the pension fund. But about raising pensions for those who worked for 35-40 years, I have not heard. In essence, the law is reduced to the equalization of the clowns with the workers. Yes, I’m cynical, but not as much as our compulsively respected government.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №151996
 25.03.2019
It is said that among officials in the regions, the book "101 way to fulfill the Presidential decrees on raising wages to budgetaries without raising it" is in the hands.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №151995
 24.03.2019
I decided to write a couple of funny cases related to the height and appearance of the spouse. Husband - 152 and I - 182

1st We have three children and we decided to go to a public bathroom. Me, wife and eldest daughter. I am approaching, buying two adults and one child. I went to male, they went to female. And then the administrator gives me - and the girls how will they wash, can they? I would not go to the sauna, or I would call.

2nd We go to the clothes store in the same composition. I chose my wife’s jacket. But here is the problem - mostly clothes can be selected in children's shops. Go to the children’s store. The husband is so stressed, and here is the seller:

What to suggest?

I said I wanted a jacket.

The older or the younger?



So we live ?

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №151994
 24.03.2019
The night. and Taxi.

Order of “R/K Randev”. Sitting 3 fun, young, on a marathon girl. One, on the go, asks for the phone to charge. Connect, phone in the pocket on the panel. The girls are drunk, cheerful, sing songs, argue who is the last to pay.

And here, the last address, not reaching the destination, I receive a question:

Are you an honest person?

I try to be so.

D- (opening the door, running away with a fun call) I’m not honest! Let the chickens pay for themselves.

You call me tomorrow! (He screamed in the trail)

I don't call, I don't know the number (running, rushing, answering me).



I sit, look at her in the footsteps, close the order in the empty, clean the phone in my pocket.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №151993
 24.03.2019
A couple of years ago, I had a quarrel with my mother. He left, lived separately, worked quietly, on the other day his mother called him and asked to come "to the cake", wanted to reconcile. Well he came, and there mints, bound him and carried him to the military commissariat.

[ + 17 - ] Comment quote №151992
 24.03.2019
Chronic abuse of rest leads to allergies at work.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №151991
 24.03.2019
A friend just told me. They in the dining room at work decided to take care of those who observe the fast: in the menu appeared the positions "borsch meat" and "borsch lean". At the delivery, a friend asked for a plate of borst. The cook gently puts vegetables in the plate with the bouillon, and asks:
Do you have meat?
and yes.
From this same pot, the cook catches pieces of meat and adds it to the plate.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №151990
 24.03.2019
The prime minister said that people should not suffer from rising gas prices. The State Duma has already begun to develop a law on responsibility for suffering from rising gas prices.

[ + 15 - ] Comment quote №151989
 23.03.2019
What is not fake, is news.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №151988
 23.03.2019
Do you know what diameter/radius is? The marital life.
I work on a metal cutting machine. At one time, he decided to change the type of activity and was trained from scratch to CNC operator. Later, he taught the basics of other boys. One day, during an explanation to one of the trainees, I noticed that he was not very aware that I was trying to tell him:
Do you understand? Do you know that we measure the diameter and write the radius in the table? Do you know what radiation is?
No, I do not know.
In the sense do you know? What is a diameter?
and no.
And unexpectedly? Do not believe? But the trainee was not even yesterday’s student, but a graduate of Bashkir Construction College in the specialty of industrial and civil construction!!! Later I remembered that during my training at the factory, the mentors asked me this question, and then it seemed stupid to me: "How can an adult not know what a radius is? This is the basis of everything!”
“Well, probably the guy just doesn’t know the definitions ‘by the textbook’,” I thought and painted a circle on paper:
Draw where the radius is, where the diameter.
The trainee paints two more inside my circle.
Impressed by the truth that revealed me all day long, I lie in bed at night. I think: at what point a person learns what the radius / diameter is (this is meant by "not a textbook, but by his own words"; in a domestic sense when a person begins to understand that this is the circle, but here is its radius). And what kind of “thinking” to have to understand this? Technical and mathematical? It is easy to find out:
My wife, wake up. Do you know what radiation is? The diameter? My wife is not a technician, but a philologist-journalist.
Have you fooled anything? What a radius, what a diameter, what an hour of night! What happened?
Long to explain. Can you tell me what radiation is?
The size of the circle. What happened then? What do you do in bed at night?
That is, it is not sacred knowledge that is kept from outsiders. And "not a technician", quietly graduated from school and with geometry, except in the domestic plan, who does not encounter, can at one hour of the night through a dream give the answer, where to dig, in order to find the definition of "radius".
On the evening of the next day I decided to find out, and from what age a person will learn that there is such a term "radius" and asked the daughter-second-grade ("well, in the second grade is still unlikely to pass, - I thought - it will be clear whether it is necessary to study in school or just enough in life to look closely at the sides to find out):
Do you know what radiation is? Or a diameter?
- It's in the circle, here's the point, the central, and there's the distance to the line... - he responds a little confused.
The child in the second grade already knows. But... Something hurts like the definition from a textbook... Did you already go to school?
How do you know? Have you already been to school?
“No,” she smiles, “my mom told me in the morning that you must ask me today and have to learn.

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