My friend has birthday today. 30 years. He works as an admin in a small company. And then his words:

The boss gave me a cognac and said that tomorrow is a weekend, because I quote, "one shit tomorrow you won't go to work."

A small collection of translations from Reddit



Once, when I was a kid, I was invited to stay for dinner at my friend’s house. His mother poured ketchup into a deep plate, and the whole family smooked and licked their fingers during the meal. © [deleted] / Reddit



When I was a child, I once visited a friend, and her mother poured us orange juice during lunch. When we ate, she took the undrunk cups and poured all the juice back into the bag. Even as a child, I thought it was disgusting. © munkyyy / Reddit



My wife invited me to dinner at her house for the first time. They had two big dogs. I asked in advance if they could give them food from the table. I was told that I could feed them anything: all the dishes were still given to the dogs. I ate and laid the plate on the floor. The dogs ran out quickly. Then I picked up the plate to take it to the kitchen and asked where to put it – in the dishwasher or in the dishwasher. And they say to me, in the closet, because the dogs have already washed it well. I laughed at that joke and repeated the question. It was not a joke! My friend went into the kitchen and put her plate in the closet, next to the other “clean” plates. I was almost sick. I cut off all contact with them. © ebil_lightbulb / Reddit



I knew one girl. If she couldn’t drink a glass of water, she poured the remnants onto the carpet because it “absorbs everything.” © knittedfleecesweater / Reddit



A colleague of my wife, a honored doctor, invited us to dinner. As soon as we entered, I saw his full-length portrait given to him by one of his patients. I saw hundreds of photos in the room. Each of them had a home owner. Neither his wife, nor any of his four children, nor any of his relatives or other dear people. The group photos were cut down so that only he remained. I went into the bathroom, sat down more comfortably and took one of the books from the shelf near the toilet. The first book was written by the owner. I took another, again his authorship. I found that all the books were written by the owner of the house. I raised my eyes and noticed a photo on the small table in front of the toilet — and it was the owner of the house again... © castr0 / Reddit



In high school, I studied with a girl whose family decorated her house as if it were a painted house for sale. In the dining room on the table on beautiful plates lay plastic food. The bed in her room was filled so that the upper corner was turned as if she had just gotten up. There was a plate of fake oatmeal and a glass of fake orange juice. On the floor were painted and tiny, as if there was a child living in the room. And in the parent's bedroom, artificial pink petals were carried to the bed. © RCDagger / Reddit



I met a guy and his family was just very strange. They all did not do like everyone else, sometimes I even started to suspect they were aliens. No one in the house knew how to use the plate. They warmed food in the microwave or did not eat at home. All the cabinets and boxes in the house were wide open, as if they had no idea that they could be closed. His parents went to McDonald’s to watch TV, despite having a good TV with cable channels and a satellite antenna. © Reddit / Reddit



My friend David once invited me home. I had no idea that his whole family were nightmares. The floor in his house was simply not visible, I was literally on the plates with oatmeal. At some point, I saw a snake crawling among the garbage. I immediately figured out the patch that I was sick and ran home. Just a horror of something. © ev6464 / Reddit



My friend and I were looking for something in his father’s closet when I noticed a bunch of expensive electrical equipment in the depths — all of it was packed. I asked a friend about it. It turned out that his father kept all the new things he bought unprinted for about a year and only then began to use them. My friend didn’t know why, but I’m still interested. © dingobiscuits / Reddit

I was asked what a “tupic profession” is.

He began to write the answer - and crumbled on the whole post.



In a conversation with a friend, we gave the definition - "potential pit."



Imagine it here. You are a young man, 18-20 years old. You are looking for work. There are a lot of suggestions, but the SP is not satisfied. And then you see an advertisement, for example: "The guards are needed" and sp - thousand 25. You are like that, oh! I will work and then find a better job.

And here you, guy, are falling into a potential hole.

See also.



- Zp higher than your peers - Cool, che.



The work is simple and not stressful. So not bad.



- Truth, although not stressful, and time to find another, or there to learn during work, or to acquire a new skill that will help in the future - no time.



After a little time (a few years), the potential hole has become deeper.



-Zp is only slightly higher than your peers (they were working "for growth")



- From a simple and non-strenuous work, but which takes all your time - you are a bit off.



- It is more difficult to find a new job - because you will have to start from the same level as a couple of years ago (and there was one that didn't please you then).



They are accustomed to a certain level of income. Loans are there. Don’t give god, and the girlfriend will suddenly look like that.



But for now it is not so bad. And when you think about it, you say to yourself, “That is nonsense! I can go anytime and start all over again!”



Five years later, we went swimming. To get out of this hole, we need superpowers.



PS is lower than one.



You start losing friends. Not because they are richer, but you are poorer.



You’re just ashamed (your ambitions remained the same when you were younger)



And I have nothing to tell you. They have projects, chiefs are selfish, Petka has gone north, Dimka has joked with the chief engineer. and etc. You used to watch the pharmacy, now you watch the store.



But you’re a company guy – and without friends you won’t stay. New friends are colleagues. The guys are easier. Friends are easier. Your - if it were - falls down (it coincided with an unemployed student who had a future) And by the way, I’t blame her. She doesn’t want to talk to your new friends and their respective girlfriends.



And you, even if you say to yourself, “Yes, I’m at any moment!” But you report to yourself that if at 18-20 years of age to get a low sp and be on the heels, in general, it is normal, it is the same at 28-30, somehow embarrassing.

And the little that I knew and knew was wasted, and the flexibility of the mind did not add. Your bosses will be younger than you.



And here you’re sitting on the bottom of a potential pit digged with your own hands and mocking Putin, of course.



Well, the list of stumbling professions you can make yourself, I think.

Sometimes in childhood (year-old so at 15), a aunt from Israel came to visit us, and we gathered several families of relatives, including my nephew.

And here is the long-awaited meeting, everyone rejoices, aunt distributes gifts, and gives my nephew an iPhone, after which, stretches me a tablet with the phrase "I am this to you."

I am in shock, t. I did not expect anything like this, I start to dissipate in gratitude, but I am interrupted by the phrase "Yes, I have something in the tablet language does not switch, look."

This feeling of discomfort and disappointment was difficult to repeat.

I remember, at the age of 13 watched with the boys a video from the studio Privat. It was done this way - after the lessons they went to a friend, he got out of the dusty cabinet a slicked VHS cassette, inserted it into a video magnetophone, turned on and... For an hour and a half we watched fascinatedly the same kind. Modern schoolchildren do not understand - they have the same contact at hand, in which to find porn is not difficult. It was like a revelation to us. The details of that porn are still imprinted in my memory. There were two bodies, a blonde and a red, and five men. They fuck them in all poses, but compared to modern porn looks like a retro.



At some point, with a curious look, I saw an incredibly lulling moment. They were fucking in the wooden pavilion, against the backdrop of the idyllic village pastoral. Nature is what? Yes, there are all kinds of flies, bugs and goats. Somewhere in the middle of the film, during sexual intercourse in the ass, a porn actor gets his ass out of the developed ass of a sex worker, and right into the open hole of her ass flies a fly! This is a big fly with a greenery. And the uncle, having decided to continue work after a five-second break, with a sharp blow drives the fly right into the abyss of the anal flying hell.

broke out of that then. In the summer I went to my grandmother. There was a distant relative of mine, Nastya, who quickly introduced me to all the local cattle contingent. As a city boy, I quickly gained some popularity - from the oil-looking views of local girls there was a hope to drop the leaf.



That is what I am for. At that time, I’ve come to realize that consumers of content can be different. A modern analogy – someone is sitting in the VK, and someone is in the Donoklassniki. Someone drinks Hunt Strong, and someone drinks craft beer. Someone is hitting into the stinking hole of the village toilet, and someone is hitting into a white facade toilet. And I realized this because my story with the fly has become a parable in the tongues. We were sitting on the river, and one of the locals suddenly said to another:

Did you watch porn yesterday?

and ah!

They begin to discuss the details. I first listen and do not blow, and then I gradually begin to understand that they mean the mildest erotic on REN-TV that was previously filmed at night. So soft that there even the breasts did not show, let alone the shit. They call it pornography.! to

And one guy had such a quick reaction that he was sitting down and just catching a fly with his hands. I was constantly crazy about it. Here they sit, he catches his flies, and then I get involved in the conversation and tell them about my flies!

Fuck, it was a furor! I struck their imagination. Vasya just so persistently came to me:

Gray, right in the ass?

and AGA.

That is exactly how they show up there. Well, if I shoot Tanka naked straight, I’ll put cancer – right so?

Well yes. Only the fox is wrapped. Right in the ass.

You’re not in the shit, but in the ass. Where is collapse?

and AGA.

Did the flies fly there? This is such? And she shows me a thick fly on a hurried palm.

Right there here.

You are fucking!

and fucking.

I then, thanks to this story, heard Kazanova and fucked one madmuazel. Then he went back to the city. There were, I remember, such "flashes" - something like gifs, only interactive. A terrible shit. There were two of them on the disk, you can cut a bunch of them on the disk. I cut the normal "flashes" and flash games with some Masyanya from the top, showed it to my parents at home, and then I had to manage as quickly as possible to drop all this good on the computer and remove it from the disk. Bolvanka cost rubles five or ten, we bought them in a fold with the boys, and then these discs with the porn cut on them (not necessarily, cane, cut music and just funny videos) walked around the area. We even somehow mutilated the business, sold them three times more expensive than the cost, and bought nothing. Yes, then we got puzzles, but that’s another story.



Misha, I remember, had a Motorola RazerV3. Top mobile, although we were tormented with it quite - in his life tried to work it out, I remember for this mobile almost a district to the district. Constantly just earned - in the purchase it was taken expensive, when suddenly the money was needed. And in the entrance between the monotonous conversations and the drinking of beer, the hunt was to look at the rust. Therefore, Misha always had all the shit on his mobile phone. And a lot of porn too! Hey, it seemed to me then, in fact, the assembly of a high-quality video of half a minute each. But what was there! and lesbians! Fuck the horse! The Negroes! The rape! Anal and oral, classic and all sorts of different poses! I think Misha experienced all this on himself when his father found the archive on his phone.)



And this fucking brake internet with shaking, whispering and whispering when the modem is turned on! Fuck, how he made me angry. You sit for five or ten minutes (and sometimes longer) waiting for one image to load. My computer was constantly suffering from this — as soon as my mother knocked into the room, I just forcibly cut it through the switch button, because all the open tabs on the desktop were wildly braking, not wanting to close. I had already tried to climb the forums, but, unlike a local historian with a map name, I did not do it to play in all kinds of browsers there, but to honor the abomination. In one of the scripts he was straight. She described her daily adventures in such a picturesque way that the spirit captivated her. As she got up in the morning, she wrote and whispered on the toilet, then went and sucked out to her boyfriend and went to work to suck out to the boss at the lunch break. Now I understand that these are unrealized sexual fantasies of some nymphomaniac or a man in general, but still thank you, as you are there. Thanks to you, I didn’t die from sperm toxicosis.



The magazines were also saved. Cosmopolitan thank you! At that time, even in every Babi-Huite like Lisa, wildly vicious stories were published about Tian who saw lesbian dreams or wanted to be raped. and SPIDINFO! This is the sanctuary of any zero-dresser! And I was always attached to the eroticity of the description, although the pictures were also very good. On the upper shelf behind the stalls of grandfather books such as "Hitler's Notebook" was orphaned "Emmanuel" with a lost root. They put it so not in vain - in order to forge it out of there, it was necessary to turn all the other volumes (and thus burn it up if the parents came home earlier). So I came up with a whole system for reading "Emmanuel" - I cut off the root and put it in the place, creating the appearance of the book, myself reading at night with the light of the lamp. In the morning, my sweaty fingers grabbed the book back to place.

Truth is often interpreted.

in the forest.

Events somewhere in 2008.

Bus, morning, winter and trip to work. I go. Drunk from the night, the comrade chose me as a target for the conflict. A healthy man, fixed, of course, through the swimsuit, it is not visible how fiery or sporty he is there, but the width of the shoulders is envious. It is all about morbidity. I’m not conflicting, I always thought the best fight was the one that didn’t happen.

So the escalation of the conflict is reaching its maximum, and straight now, straight here will begin. I wonder why I’m in the bus. I say:

- Let's go out, let's talk, - and I am already pretending - I have not been in a trauma for a long time, now it will be repeated...

The stop, the doors open, the fighting alcohol athlete jumps out on the street, I take a step toward the door, but... the door in front of my nose clamps, the guard gives on the gases. I look back at the driver, and he, through the noise of the engine, says:

You ought to.

A young man, a man, or I would have gone out stupidly, and there already, with my combat experience.

I think there should be a ceremony to close the pandemic.
...
And a huge inflatable virus appears, he says goodbye to his thumbs and tears. Lev Lechchenko sings: "Here again everything has gone, a quarantine fairy tale, goodbye, goodbye, our affectionate virus, return to your shit China." The audience cries and cries with marble bandages.
The virus is hiding in the sky.

In remote Siberia there was a wooden pile, and a brigade of several people worked on that wooden pile. One day, they met a small bear, and sheltered him, as the bear was shot by the brothers. The bear was a bear, they named it Manai, and made for her a bear.

A year later, the brigadier went fishing, comes back, and begins to scream at his subordinates:

Why don’t we follow Manny? Again, she escaped from the squad, I found her in the woods, pulled the salmon off, and tied it to a tree. Go and take.

Employees are surprised:

Mania in the hole.

I remember a case: I decided to terminate the insurance agreement of the OGBO (compulsory car driver insurance). With these thoughts, he walked past the insurance company on foot, that day was without a car, and decided to go to them.

I say, say, so and so, I want to dissolve, without explaining the reasons. I am asked to provide the original insurance. I answer them that you are not with you, go far away, maybe you will dissolve it? No, a girl answers me, I can’t.

I ask, on the basis of what can not? I am given some document with the rules of registration and termination of insurance policies, I decided from the availability of time to read and then the eye stuck for the item about duplicates. And I was obscured: say, I ask a girl, and how much does the duplicate cost? It is free, they say. How long to do it? At ten, I heard the answer. Well, then let’s make a duplicate for me, because I “lost” the policy, and then we will cancel it.

The girl looked at me, but eventually we arranged a duplicate and dissolved it.

In the taxi:

It is funny, girl! I immediately stood by him) from you, he says, so delicious smells! cognac, tobacco and leather.



What? what? Did I hear it now?! to

With Cognac? I do not drink.

The tobacco? I do not smoke.

The skin? What? what? The skin?! to

Some maniacs



I come home. And here it touched me.

I go to the net to read about my perfume.

Nots of the mandarine, tail of the dragon, blabla.



“In the slide, wooden notes, thick notes of expensive cognac, elite cigars and a rich smell of skin.”



A man how?! to

No is. Another question:

What do you do in a taxi?! to

Now with the girl got diplomas on the graduation of magistrates, both lawyers.

We took a taxi for delivery.

As soon as he sat in the car, clarified the address, near the campus of the university, the driver immediately asked:

Q: Are you going to get married?

I: No, I have a diploma.

Q: For whom did you study?

I: For the lawyers.

A: Oh, I also finished legal.

Uncomfortable pause

People are ready to kill for money, but no one is ready to die for them.

I like the memes about Natasha and the cats that are posted here on the site. It’s a joke for you, but it’s everyday reality for me. Now we have four cats and a cat: Basya, Zosia, Frosya, Lisa and Lexus. Yes to Lexus. We can afford it.) And not because we are collecting a collection of rare pests as it might seem. Our house in the village is far from the road. And the good people who throw the furious happiness under the door always start with us. I arranged gifts for relatives, friends, acquaintances and neighbors. Not everyone is able to distribute. These seem to be here forever. The list is always open.

It is impossible to leave such a farm for a long time. They are banal to no one to leave. Therefore, the seas and overseas are not suitable for us in principle. It did not hurt and I wanted. We have spent the last few years on vacation at the lake in the neighboring area. We take the whole band with us. We are fishing, they are safari.

At first I was afraid that someone might be lost. In any case, I bought and wore all the addresses. The fears were futile. The cats quickly mastered, explored the surroundings. They are not far from the camp. During the day they are not seen at all: who sleeps where. In the evening, the mafia gets out of their shelters. You need to have time to do a bunch of things: to break the kitchen in search of tastes, to smash dead mice, to hold a competition - who will climb higher on the pine and louder from there. You can even go out to pop up neighbors if someone is risky to stand next to us. And everyone considers it their duty several times a night to come to us in the tent, to dive into the masters, to make sure that the feeders are in place. I’m here, don’t worry, sleep peacefully. And at dawn they are filled in the tent with all the scorpion. You open your eyes, and your mouths are over you.
Natasha, are you sleeping? Natasha, get up, we want to eat!
I am not Natasha at all. But who cares.

“I have a bad feeling before the second wave of the coronavirus.
Why is?
“Putin said of the historic chance to dramatically solve the housing issue of the Russians.

I leave the store near the residential house, approach my car (a very common brand and model now) and watch a man standing near the driver’s door and actively trying to open it, pulling a pen. I stood by for half a minute, watching his unsuccessful torture. I decided that the man was drunk or not adequate - I approached the door, demonstrately opened the door from the bridge (the stationary TV without sound opens / closes) and watched his reaction.

The man looked at me with red, swollen eyes, then at the car, again at me, at his keys in his hand, and then at the same car standing at 15 meters. Everything was understandable without words))) The man apologized, said at work they were stunned, had to work for a day without rest... the head doesn't boil at all.

We discussed the advantages and disadvantages of the car. I recommend that you take the subway better.

I opened the trunk, removed a pack of foods there and took the cloth and went to wipe the front (all this during a conversation with the worker). A man approaches the trunk, throws his wallet there, closes the trunk, looks at me:

Probably better on the subway.

He opens the trunk, takes his wallet and goes away after saying goodbye.

Events somewhere in 2008.

Bus, morning, winter and trip to work. I go. Drunk from the night, the comrade chose me as a target for the conflict. A healthy man, fixed, of course, through the swimsuit, it is not visible how fiery or sporty he is there, but the width of the shoulders is envious. It is all about morbidity. I’m not conflicting, I always thought the best fight was the one that didn’t happen.

So the escalation of the conflict is reaching its maximum, and straight now, straight here will begin. I wonder why I’m in the bus. I say:

- Let's go out, let's talk, - and I am already pretending - I have not been in a trauma for a long time, now it will be repeated...

The stop, the doors open, the fighting alcohol athlete jumps out on the street, I take a step toward the door, but... the door in front of my nose clamps, the guard gives on the gases. I look back at the driver, and he, through the noise of the engine, says:

You ought to.

A young man, a man, or I would have gone out stupidly, and there already, with my then combat experience.

7 to 8 years. The holidays, all as planned: taken to my grandmother to host. There lived a wonderful friend in the neighborhood, Daria, to whom I could come and play in her yard (private house).

One day a large company of friends gathered with Darya and I turned out to be the smallest.

After dating and a couple of games, the company decided it would be a great idea to lock me in the summer kitchen. Somehow they dragged me there and closed the door on the other side, and they laughed and walked away from the kitchen.



I didn’t look inside. There were unnecessary things, tools, bags, etc.

I came across a familiar thing – the cochlear :)

My grandmother and grandfather called me a little cockerel because I loved to melt the furnace and drill the coal.



I take this heavy straw, I approach the door, I close my eyes and like a heracle on it!! It was half-glass... A characteristic “crust” broke out. Fortunately, they ran as cute, because further in the plans I had windows... opened the remains of the door, I went out and headed to the exit from the courtyard.



After that, my relatives were “written out a check” for the broken door, but they seemed to refuse to pay, because I explained the situation. We were no longer friends.

In a fairy tale, good triumphs over evil, but in life, evil triumphs over other evil and becomes good.



© Police

There have been many stories about how people in different ways get rid of obsessive telephone advertising. Someone puts music on the ringtone, someone offers some services, such as a herbalife, someone begins to whisper or whisper in the bell. I will tell my story. No, I didn’t come up with a new clever way to anger another advertiser, I was one of them. If in the middle of the 2000s you heard in the tube something like "Nikolai Nikolaevich, this is the company of Guta-insurance and I have a unique offer for you", then it was me or someone of my colleagues. I went to this job immediately after school, not being able to enter the institute. One day I called one of the clients from the calling list, and in response I heard a request to wait. Apparently, I called the university teacher before the lecture. After putting the phone on the headquarters, he began this same lecture. As far as I can remember, he looked at medieval literature. I was telling something about the heroic Roland, about Kuchulin and his uncle Conchobar, about the glorious Sid, about manstrels and jonglers... All this was so interesting that I, having forgotten the time, cared about the calling plan, according to which I had to get sixty clients a day, listened to his monotonous speech. After the lecture, he looked at the screen of the phone and, apparently, surprised to find that the call was not replied, took the phone.
Well, young man, was you interested? Here are your suggestions...
No, I was very interested! Then we had an interesting dialogue about the literature of the ancient centuries, during which I asked him with enthusiasm about all kinds of knights, menastrials, albums, servants... I called him in February, and in the summer of the same year I filed documents to the Faculty of Philology of the Moscow University. After graduating in 2011, I went on the scientific line, and for 7 years I taught literature of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance at one of the capital universities and, despite a small salary, I am crazyly passionate about my work.