bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 19 - ] Comment quote №133381
 10.09.2016
The person who posts here unconnected nonsense, know - if you do not stop, the liver will be yellow and granular. She will still whisper under the knife of a pathanatom, but you won’t hear it anymore.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №133380
 10.09.2016
I will answer:

Diamond: what makes a ten-kilogram cat when seeing a human face to think: "Perfect! We are here!"

The warm breath of man.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №133379
 10.09.2016
Asked for a characteristic that distinguishes the age groups of female persons - you will get - a quite formal and clear characteristic. How to use it, decide for yourself.
By the way, in this regard the question - and how to distinguish between a boy / young man / old man?))

Cut a member and look at the number of annual rings

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №133378
 10.09.2016
Five attackers broke into a psychiatric hospital in Moscow.

They become patients as quickly as possible.

[ + 16 - ] Comment quote №133377
 10.09.2016
== The acquaintance argued that it is necessary to say "karateist", not "karatist".

And the Karatists I knew argued that it is necessary to say "karateka". And unfortunate shit...

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №133376
 10.09.2016
The course on the second or third for the holidays had to go home on the upper side shelf of the plateau, with normal tickets I flew. He entered the car and found his side. Behind me was a 70+ old woman, thin, slightly trembling. He said goodbye to her, put his bag on the shelf and went to sit with friends at the other end of the car. Coming back to sleep closer to 24, the old lady was all awake. I wish her a good night and went to sleep. My weight at that time was 85 probably with a height of 192.

I wake up in the morning and see an elderly woman sitting still more trembling. There was a similar dialogue:

Good morning to you!

and good. My dear, I held your shelf in my hands all night, afraid that you would fall and kill me.

............

[ + 33 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №133375
 10.09.2016
Repair computers at home. Called the client, said that the problem was solved and he could come to pick up the system block. When asked how much, he replied that 750 rubles. In three hours he arrived. He gives money and says, "There are 700 rubles, no more, 50 rubles later." Okay, but don’t forget, I say. The money was not counted, and it was already dark. At home I counted, it turned out to be 1100 he gave me - instead of 100 accidentally put 500. I don't need someone else, I still owe 50 rubles, I think, when he gives, I will return him more. However, half a year has passed and still does not give a half-point. It was expensive.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №133374
 10.09.2016
In general, people, where does this love of appeals come from? Why not start a phrase with the banal "sorry"? The Japanese do that (chattō, sumimasan). And in a conversation with acquaintances, you had to insert the name of the interlocutor in almost every phrase. Know, Carnegie was wrong, many do not like the sound of their name!

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №133373
 10.09.2016
The driver told me from work. He previously worked in a factory. To get there, we had to go through the passageway. And there was a guard who already loved to count fans to drink strongly on the eve of the shift. In order to hear the doorstep, he lifted his head out of his window as far as possible, literally fencing the road through the turniket. And one day, a worker going to work, during this action, kissed him in the cheek. Since then he did not do that anymore.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №133372
 10.09.2016
xxx: genpas password generated, XYEMb5
xxx: user will like, easy to remember)

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №133371
 10.09.2016
We sit down with a friend, we drink, we discuss different things.
According to statistics, the Rubik’s Cube is still the most sold commodity in the world. Second is the Bible.
Noah, at least a cube can be gathered.

[ + 22 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №133370
 10.09.2016
Discussion of the player in Dota:

XXX: He is just God.
YYY: He is shit.
zzz: I would joke that one does not rule out the other, but I am afraid to sit for extremism :(

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №133369
 10.09.2016
Women prefer flirting without consequences, and men prefer flirting without consequences.

[ + 33 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №133368
 10.09.2016
Expressions pronounced by people in the courtroom in reality and word in word recorded by the court secretaries, and subsequently published.

Lawyer: What was your concern at the time of the clash?
Testimony: Gucci training trousers and Rybok shoes.

Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I usually just lie.

ADVOCATE: And now, doctor, is it true that when a person dies in a dream, he does not know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you really pass the lawyer’s exam?

Lawyer: Your youngest son, twenty years old, how old is he?
Witness: He’s twenty... Just like your IQ.

Lawyer: Were you present when your photo was taken?
Witness: Are you being mocked?

Lawyer: So the day of conception was the morning of August 8th?
The Witness: Yes
Lawyer: And what did you do at that time?
Witness: I was fucking.

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
The accused: Yes.
Lawyer: How many of them were boys?
The accused: None of them.
Lawyer: How many were girls?
Accused: Your honor, I think I need another lawyer... Can I have a lawyer not an idiot?

What caused your marriage to be broken?
Witness: In connection with death.
Lawyer: And in connection with whose death was it interrupted?
The Witness: Guess...

Could you describe that man?
Witness: He was of medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was it a man or a woman?
Witness: If there was no circus in the city, I think it was a man.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many scans have you had to perform on dead people?
Witness of all. The living are strongly resistant.
Lawyer: Do you remember the time you looked at the body?
Witness: The opening began around eight or thirty o’clock in the evening.
Lawyer: And Mr. Denton was dead at the beginning of the investigation?
Witness: If not, then at the end of the investigation he was dead.

LAWNIST: Does your qualification allow you to take a urine test?
Witness: Does yours allow you to ask such questions?

ADVOCATE: Doctor, did you check your pulse before you started the scan?
Witness : No
Have you checked your blood pressure?
Witness : No
Did you see that there is no breath?
Witness : No
ADVOCATE: So is it possible that the patient was alive when you started the screening?
Witness : No
Why are you so sure, Doctor?
TEST: Because his brains were in the bank on my desk.
Lawyer: Of course... But could the patient still be alive?
The Witness: Yes Per he was still alive and even practiced in the field of jurisprudence.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №133367
 10.09.2016
Girls, remember, your children will be like him, not his car!

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №133366
 10.09.2016
I go on a three-day trip. She said to her husband:

Husband: I thought I’d be able to get a grandmother?

You are a trident.

Husband: I love you

I: Ah, I guessed by the phrase "bab I will be able to name?"

So I asked for permission ?

I: I only allow Andrew (the best friend)

Husband: Ho, he will be against

I: his problem

My husband and I too.

I: My job is to allow

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №133365
 10.09.2016
From Marinalevy:

Next to the path leading to our doorstep, there is a pot with a powerful cactus.
At night, one of the branches of the plant broke and fell. In the dark, I did not notice it and stumbled on her.
Cactus sticks broke through the thick skin of the shoes and hit the leg.
I crashed into the house, jumping on one leg, pulling the sticks out of my fingers, sprinkling blood and drawing.
The children looked at me astonished: "What happened?"
"Cactus!" – I answered
I glued my foot with a patch and thought I needed to remove the branch lying in the middle of the trail before someone had stepped in.
But how? There are columns in length of 3 centimeters, with no hand to hold. I don’t have big hips. In the end armed with a fork with a spoon and, under the amazed eyes of the children, boasted to fight with the cactus.
I pulled the fork into the plant, supported the branch from the bottom with a spoon, opened the garbage with my foot.
She returned home and proudly shocked with a fork in her hand said that the problem of the cactus was over.
The children were terrified and asked, “Have you eaten it?”
This is how unhealthy stories are born.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №133364
 10.09.2016
A friend wanted to buy an iPhone and changed her mind, explaining:
I was told he was sending all the photos to the cloud. And if I want to take a photo of the pimple on my ass to consider better what my ass will get on the internet!and "

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №133363
 10.09.2016
Peace, only tranquility
and ==
You have already tried!! Not only is it that "trahnout", "blue" and similar words are no longer perceived in another, initial meaning, so now and this!
and ==
Only the school has such unified associations. As a person grows up, it usually calms down.
True, this does not apply to current 20-30-year-old infantiles, but sensible people shouldn’t worry about it, right?

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №133362
 10.09.2016
xxx: fucking I'll have to take PS4 pro... I'll give the usual friend, we'll cut together =D
Hi my friend ;)

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