Once upon a time, a fairly large company approached me. They made a new website, they needed SEO promotion. The meeting was held with the founder, a man aged 60.

Tell us what you need to promote our new website.

He briefly described the entire procedure, explained what and how. But the next phrase caught me into a philological stupor.

It is good, but it is long. Call Yandex tomorrow. Tell them how much money it takes to get on the first line forever. If they don’t agree, threaten me to buy them. Understood me?

After this phrase, I polently said goodbye, said that we were unlikely to be able to work out and disappeared from the scene.

At the box in front of me a young man at the end of the shopping asks:

Give me a kidney.

For a boy or for a girl?

Aha, what is the difference?

Well, for boys there can be a designer inside, or animals of all kinds. Or here dinosaurs, or wolves there are, puzzles.

And for girls?

and princesses.

I took for a boy. He left the box and handed it to his daughter.

Only true kings are able to voluntarily abdicate the throne!



© Dmitry Sviridov

I have a director at work, his name is Robert. Unlike most wealthy family people, he does not live in the suburbs, but in the Old Town (the case takes place in one of the cities on the East Coast of the United States). The place is prestigious, but there are also problems. One of the main things is that the streets there are narrow, many 250-300+ years old. For snow-gathering equipment they are not designed at all, and so you can barely plug the lighthouse, so that there is a place for passing. And snow to clean almost nowhere, only either on the sidewalk, or back on the road, well, or between parked cars to stop some like.

Therefore, there is a lot of drama between neighbors, especially for parking. When the snow falls, there is trouble. Civilization flies like a shell, and it happens that citizens mock each other’s faces, call the police, and become enemies for a lifetime.

Shortly after Robert and his family moved to the area, the first snow fell. Not very large, but centimeter from 40-50 namelo. When the storm stopped, he went out to clean the car. Look, and there is no place to remove the snowflake, more hasty people have already cleaned their cars, all the space between the cars is crowded. He started cleaning the snow, but where did he put it? I began to crawl on the sidewalk.

Here the owner of the house jumps out, begins to express his "fe", and very passionately, hot Italian blood is affected. He lived here for years, he cleaned the sidewalk with his own hands. And some inadequate citizens (i.e. Robert) are boundless, do not respect the work of others, and do not see the borders at all. Everything has happened here.” All this tirade is accompanied by obscene gestures and obscene vocabulary. For about 15 minutes, the footage burstingly expressed his emotions, and Robert listened silently.

Finally, the neighbor went away in anger, threatening punishment. Robert cleaned the car and removed the snow carefully from the sidewalk. Then he blinded a few snowmen and went home. He pulled old shirts and hats, a bunch of carrots, barbecue corns, and snowmen dressed. Then he took a bottle of decent wine and knocked on the neighbor. The angry man opened the door, and Robert gave him a bottle and said, "We live on the same street, neighbors now means. Likewise I love cleanliness.” Then he pointed to the snowmen and smiled and congratulated "with the first snow."

and all. Now they are in a very good relationship with their neighbors. The old Italian now helps him and the snow to clean, and even the place, when the parking is tense, holds for him. On life's little things helps on the first call and on a bottle of beer regularly invites. From the first snow they have made it a tradition.

They could just argue. The bad thing is not stupid...

The first half of 2019 will be tough, but then there will be mushrooms and berries.

Advice by phone.

Hi to you. Can I consult?

Yes of course. Ask me.

"My husband was a little drunk drifting on the parking lot near the shopping center, stuck in the car and tried to escape from the scene. He was detained by police officers, and during his detention he struck one policeman. Now in isolation. There is just another feature in that he is not a citizen of Russia, and the time of stay in the country has already come out. What to do?

Escape from him. And as soon as possible and further, I wanted to say.

I had to consult.

I had a hamster washed out of my daughter’s hand. He freedom for only half an hour, until he found a long-forgotten mouse in the kitchen. I, straight, as I remember now, sit, my daughter complains that the hamster has escaped. I say, don’t be afraid, we’ll find it! Here from the kitchen comes a forgotten, but familiar sound - Chop. I kept silent for 5 seconds and said quietly to my wife: I found it.

And I grew up in the village, and instead of a hammer we had a cat. He was a natural maniac because he was not interested in killing animals. He brought them home still alive, scattered them in parts with wild sounds, scattered the inside of mice, rats, birds and goats on the carpet. And I had a cousin who had hamsters. Well, the cat noticed this furry animal as soon as the cage was brought into the house. The next morning, my sister’s cry awoke the house. As it goes, the cat executed a hamster, somehow unimaginably opening the door, ripped off the hamster's head, and released the intestines through the grid. The hammer hanged on the cage. The next year, my sister brought a pork. The pork was larger in size, but the experienced rat-hunting and maniac did not prevent it from killing the beast, although he could no longer break or release the intestines. The next year, the sister brought the turtle, saying that even her dad was attacking it and nothing. It took the cat two days to scratch the little turtle's head, tear it off and throw it next to the corpse. The next year, the sister brought no one, then her parents forbade her to bring animals to us, who were so fiercely killed by the cat. However, the cat did not worry, and on the day of their arrival caught a pigeon, which he also killed.

Yyy: Then the girl disappeared and no one saw her again.

Listen, what can you do with a big hole? Just not to bury, I dug it for four hours.

Why did you dig?

Yulia: Yes, I wanted to do a nice thing to Daddy, to gather him worms for fishing. And suddenly I see 5 rubles in the earth. I dig up and dig further. 5 rubles, and then more. I thought it was a treasure. In short, excavated the pit, my mother did not burn, found a dozen five-ruble coins.

And then it turned out that I just had a hole in my pocket.

Julia: I am an idiot.

What can be done with a big hole?

I stand, smoke on the balcony, night in the courtyard, 2 o'clock at night. A man goes in a cap and approaches the neighbor’s car, which looks like in the trunk. Although the house was new and only arrived for a month, but a couple of neighbors remembered. And it was clearly not he, in the sense of not the owner. I know him and the guy like go off the car, I know the owner and it’s obviously not you. When I get out, I break my skull and get there. He goes away well. And went away. I was glad I didn’t have to go out. What a bad thief, absolutely.

The next evening, the owner of this car approaches and says thank you for the type you noticed and drove out. I don’t want to help, neighbors need to help. How do you know that? And he - that's what I was, but I didn't take risks, suddenly drunk, not recognized from a distance and you don't recognize nearby and actually dressed up, decided to leave.

He stood dumb, he was not ashamed.

I was called by the collectors for two or three months, several times a day. I asked someone. I always took the phone and listened carefully. Sometimes he asked me to call back without answering their questions. He always said the same phrase "... it's probably the previous SIM card owner."



I got bored and they gave up first. I was asked to contact the bank to ban calls, explaining how to do it. I said I was lazy and they didn’t tire of me yet.



When connected, they began to often throw the phone. Then they stopped calling.

If you are not intelligent, at least do not stand out as stupid.

Anyone other than me wonder what the judges are guided by when delivering sentences? Personally, after reading a lot of sentences on duty of service, I found little logic in them. As an example, let me compare two sentences:
1st Sergey Fedorovich I., the name Grandfather. The crime: Drinking alcohol with one of the accomplices, quarreled. Sergey's own growth was small, which is called "a meter with a cap". He took the table and attached the opponent to the head, which is why he suddenly tired and lay to rest. He was taken to the hospital, where he was released the next day. For a month and a half, he lived as if he had nothing to do with it: he whipped almost every day, cooked drinks for the winter, and then suddenly died. After that, Sergey was arrested, tried and sentenced under p. “E” and “H” 2 st. 105 Criminal Code of the Russian Federation (murder with special cruelty) to twenty years of imprisonment.
2nd Rudolph Rudolphovich I. with a tail deprived his opponent of his life, broke them into four pieces and hid them in different places of the abandoned house. Our court, the most humane in the world, sentenced him to a masterpiece. 108 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation (exceeding the necessary self-defense) and, taking into account the underpinned sentence on the previous conviction (one and a half years) partial composition appointed for serving three years four months of imprisonment.
Not judging the judges, I’m just wondering how they are guided by delivering such sentences?

Gennprookuror SŠA, having seen the house of the Prosecutor General of Russia, realized that the American dream was this.

To be charming, clever, and clever is not difficult. The difficulties come in the morning.

Torture or noblesse oblige.

There is no useless knowledge - there will always be a situation in which it will be useful.
And when you have to do the fucking thing - the opportunity to use forgotten knowledge increases many times.
Let me demonstrate the above with a half-forgotten episode of my life.
So, in the early 90s, the first stage of emigration - exams for the profession.
And if the doctors are more or less clear: three examinations for a doctor, one exam - a three-day marathon - for a license and forward, into the slavery of the internship, then for dentists the way to the license is another.
The state of California allows them to take theoretical exams, then practical and, after successful passing them, issues a license to the dentist, the right to work in the specialty.
At first glance - dentists are easier, their path is easier and shorter.
But this is far from the case: theoretical exams are quite possible to pass.
But here is practical... a completely different thing, expensive and complicated.
The candidate must lead his patients, bring his tools and materials, the assistant – in a word, everything.
This is a costly pleasure, I must say, especially for poor immigrants.
By the way, the most expensive in all this are the patients.
They must be found, examined and prepared, paid for the road, accommodation, food, compensation - in a word, it is easy to get money.
A distraction: and all this without a guarantee of success, less than 50% passed this exam from the first time, the exam was held rarely, twice a year, the fee for it - something in the area of a thousand, in that money...
So it’s not surprising that my childhood friend, Wendy, asked me to help. The tooth. The mine. A healthy tooth, without a single seal and crown - under the golden crown, the assignment of the exam. And I agreed, without thinking about it: the concept of friendship and immigrant solidarity dictated to do just that, and not otherwise.
The boring road from Los Angeles to San Francisco in an old American dandelion, stopped with friends, I slept in the passing room on the bench - in a word, luxury and more.
Exam in the morning. Vienna is nervous, clear thing, but with the assistant he was lucky, knowledgeable and skillful.
Equipment, materials – but most of all he was lucky with the patient: I myself from a family of dentists, never afraid of them, a calm experienced patient, reassuring the doctor – everything went well from the beginning.
Vienna, a dentist in the third generation, very skillfully gave me anesthesia, I was cemented, the procedure was long, several hours, each stage is checked by examiners, we move to the final stage, we dressed the crown and cemented, glowing with gold, I go to the final check.
And here something went wrong...
The anesthesia ended, or the exam lasted longer and Wena did not calculate whether he had to update it - who knows.
This final check was also the most fundamental.
and careful.
After looking at the X-rays and examining the crown from the outside, the examiner began to check the degree of deepening of the crown in the gums. The gums, awakened from anesthesia and rich in nerve endings.
The first touch of the sharp probe was extremely painful, I involuntarily strained.
It did not go unnoticed, the examiner stopped and asked dissatisfied:
Do you hurt? Patients should not feel anything, you did not have anesthesia?? to
I did not hurt, sorry, I just didn’t expect, please continue.
Friend, and for friendship what you do, I will tolerate.
Manda...
It had to be endured for a long time, for an eternity, for five to seven minutes, the Inquisitor in a white coat methodically and mercilessly ticked with a sharp probe, spotting the edges of the crown.
Millimeter by millimeter, across the periphery of the crown, the sharp needle was injected into me dozens of times.
It was torture.
Which I had to endure. Moreover, not to show that I am hurt.
And that was when I used my useless book knowledge.
Revolutionary Camus managed to deceive psychiatrists in such a situation — but he was almost handed out by enlarged pupils.
I closed my eyes tightly and imagined myself as a Spartan young man whose lion had taken away a piece of his liver.
Samurai during Harakiri.
A deep slow breath, to relax the muscles, to count to a hundred and back, said about himself the prayer "Listen, Israel!", mentally covered the examiner with the most dirty blasphemy in all the languages known to me, squeezed the handles of the chair under the sheet...
I endured.
The torture stopped precisely when I began to think about putting a dental chair on my cat’s head.
Then I realized that I had boundaries and I visited them.
Wendy suspects something:
You are all wet! What happened?? to
No, Jenny, it was very hot there.
In the evening, Vienna opened a restaurant, ate, drank, danced.
The exam he passed.
More precisely we.
I am proud of myself, for 25 years.
You are the first I told you.
by Michael Ashnin

When a synoptic is asked about the length of his penis, he answers, “14 feels like 19.”

The fact that at the age of 32 I am still not married only means that statistically I avoided my first divorce.

xxx: D94НН03 C006Щ3НN3 P0К4ЗЫ8437, K4КN3 U9N8N73ЛЬНЫ3 83ЩN M0Ж37 93Л47Ь Н4Ш Р4ЗУМ! 8P3P4P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P SN4H4L4 E70 6YLL0 7RU9N0, N0 S3YCH4S N4 E70Y S7R0K3 84S R4ZUM ČN7437 E70 4870M47NCH3SKN, N3 Z49Umy84YAS 06 E70M. by G0R9N. LNCH 0PR393L3NNY3 LU9N M0GU7 PR0CHN747E70.

YYY: I have the wind activated, thank you!

I have a friend who I know, and I call him Miko. A man of extraordinary politeness, will always move the chair to the girl, open the door, pass forward... a gentleman, shorter.

This story happened to him two years ago on December 24 (his second birthday). It was an ordinary morning and Miha came out of the apartment, called the elevator, there was a woman 50-55 years old in the elevator, he kissed her and they began to descend to the first floor, when they came out of the entrance, Miha, like a real gentleman, opened the door and missed her forward. The woman took two steps and she got a powerful puddle on her head.

P. S. Miha called an ambulance, the woman got rid of a shock.

Be a gentleman