bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №132479
 21.08.2016
Senior Lieutenant: xxx, in medicine everything must be correct, did the praporski yyy tell you how to breed the solution?
Yes, I said, you take water and a handful of chlorine pills.
If the face is not fucking, a handful more.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №132478
 21.08.2016
“Tonight a woman took a picture of my car’s number. Very incomprehensible, exciting and unpleasant moment. Do you have any ideas how this (photo numbers) can be used?
Photographing numbers is convenient to cause paranoia and subconscious fear in car owners.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №132477
 21.08.2016
Yesterday my Magnitola spoke to the Navigator!
I’m in the car, the Navigator is running and the Magnitola with the audio book is on. Periodically, on some combination of letters from the book, the navigator reacts as on the "ok Google" and offers to name a new destination out loud. Usually I react quickly and put everything back in place, and then I decided to see what would happen.
At this time in the book of Magnitola sounds the text "Where did he come from? From New Zealand"
"New Zealand!" - Navigator joyfully agrees and tries to build a route there!
They will surely take over us someday! :)

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №132476
 21.08.2016
And yes, if there are no cuts, how do steel catheters get stuck in people? This is under general anesthesia, cavity operation.

Inserting a catheter - a cavity operation? Are you in your mind?! to

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №132475
 21.08.2016
A matrix was born in OZU.
She grew up in Oz.
Two-dimensional dynamics
The whole was

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №132474
 21.08.2016
"You are either on the go, or on the wheel. First of all, I am in a hurry to disappoint you. Do you think that without the presence of relatives, at least one doctor will raise your ass to save you? ..."
Either you are hysterical, or you have fallen to disgusting doctors, if the second is such a thing as a complaint to the Ministry of Health. He worked in three resuscitations in two cities (a nurse and a sanitary doctor studied so far), and everywhere the doctor is always happy when the patient himself is aware of what medications he cannot take, since anaphylactic shock is not fun at all, even under ORIT conditions. "Cuts curved and crooked"- no one is cut in resuscitation. This is surgery, and resuscitation is done so that the patient can survive the critical period, and get treated in the profile department. It’s also silly to be transferred to other departments to die. This is translated into resuscitation hopeless, because the death rate by departments and resuscitation bosses look separately.
And yes, in adult resuscitation (because only in such a work) relatives have nothing to do. I only once saw children who took care of their mothers. The others stand like pillars.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №132473
 21.08.2016
I inserted new headphones into the phone – they, for some reason, asked for access to the location... Probably, the headphones, are going to plunge to me if they are lost... I am afraid for my future...

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №132472
 21.08.2016
"Right and gently – out! by UTA! by UTA! With a break of half a minute"
Just the same shit:






(In Chelyabinsk)
Not to hide. Listen to the entire CIS

And I thought they were singing Rammstein songs.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №132471
 21.08.2016
How ugly you are all! Such a feeling that all of you are just waiting when your partner gets sick, falls back, turns your back to make his nausea worse. Men hate women, women hate men and all together children/pregnant/old/handicapped. You are revered and want to go wash your hands and then embrace your family, because they are obviously the only normal people.
Don’t live with each other when you hate everybody. A bunch of homeless cats around you - give them a home. They will not leave you in a difficult moment. is guaranteed.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №132470
 21.08.2016
by Bracosrach

When my wife, then a fellow resident, fell ill, I had to go and get some of her documents. She should have taken it, but she got sick.
I appeared, and so to me - and you to her, who at all, dear man?

I am for what. The stamp makes life easier when handling documents. I have been in a formal marriage for more than twenty years, simplified the life of the stamp repeatedly, and no complications have yet been experienced.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №132469
 21.08.2016
A close friend confessed to me that she loves her boyfriend, they have lived together for 4 years, but they do not want to get married and children, especially

Strange is it? The girl does not want to first bleed 10 times a day and suffer from heartburn so that instead of gaining weight, there is a discharge. He does not want the chest to spread in a way so that no old licking is going on (and the belly is not yet visible!) He doesn’t want to blow up like a column and while sitting at work in the office suffers from back pain, because of which he has to ask to work from home even before maternity leave... He doesn’t want to scream from the pain during clashes and tear the perineum so that then you can’t sit until the seams heal. The devil doesn’t want to know how many months or years to sleep with spots, because the baby is hot, he needs to be fed, washed, dressed, you can’t leave one in the room even for 15 minutes to wash his head. He does not want to lose his qualification for three years of rubbing his sweet ass, because then he will have to get everything on the go to get a more or less taxable salary... and still the salary will be much lower than the colleagues, and as an employee it will be less valuable than colleagues, another 5-7 years - because of frequent hospitalizations with the child, until he grows out of "child pain." What is she, right? And you get officially married - it will immediately start from all sides, from all the relatives and acquaintances: "When will the deieyeetaches hahuouduut?and "

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №132468
 21.08.2016
Stamps, stamps, apartments not even purchased share, it is not offensive? The purchase of the apartment took place two weeks before the wedding (SPB, a new house, not even behind the bathroom), but the second half of me refused to invest money when buying. Further, they lived together with the general budget, in the same apartment, bought some niches, did repairs. When the love suddenly ended, the other half picked up things and quietly left at sunset, although I received an offer to reimburse the money spent on repairs and equipment. And there was no scream of jointly incompatible, jointly drunk, although in court you could have claimed from me a thousand 300. We still communicate normally. And my current husband also does not offer any tricky schemes, just to profit from me, the poor girl. Don’t marry fools, don’t marry fools and greedy goats, that’s the whole secret.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №132467
 21.08.2016
The Chinese are all going to hell, Muhammad has not come to them. You understand, billions of people are going to hell by default. God hates the Chinese.
Zzz: Imagine a paradise with the Chinese. Peter will do it. Do you need it?

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №132466
 21.08.2016
The question is who runs faster in a difficult moment.
On Channel 5 (St. Petersburg) every Thursday there is an action to help sick children. In the morning program and in the news show the story about the child and his family. So, according to my observations, the father is present in one family of 10. Of course, some mother can give birth without her husband and take care of a sick child herself, but most often the father/husband merges slowly with the difficulties that arise. In the school where my child was studying, this happened with a large family with five (!!!) My father died when the youngest child had a serious illness. The money was collected by the whole school, both teachers and students (parents). It was hard for my dad, that is.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №132465
 21.08.2016

It seems like you didn’t play with "boom and sparks"). I just told the kids that the evil uncle Tok was sitting in the rocket and he was biting. No questions arose.

It was not useful to check, but how evil, how much it bites, what traces it leaves and will it eat a pasta, a nail, a spice, a needle?

[ + 43 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №132464
 21.08.2016
When the phone rings at 3 p.m., it means that someone is dead, and if he is not dead, it is a pity. Brother calls, cries with tears: "I have an apple in the p@here stuck! I can’t do that anymore, please come!” The phone hangs. Excellent I think. How many of you and I played in the doctor and proud was a man and this is what now and about what? But I break up and go. I am encountered by a deaf teenager, I don’t even know under what. The next topic. His parents went to the school and he eb@l classmate. The apple. My little Mickey, look at it. A small apple on a tree. The branch, of course, broke away and the apple remained inside the girl. At first they were funny, and then they realized that the apple could get without options. The Virgin does not want to go to school or home in this form, everyone is hysterical. To drive out a tiny coveted shit with a pinch under the shell without any options – her dad has some local authority.

Well, I say, I congratulate you brother. Marry her now, she will give you a bank of compot. And why didn’t you put her a cedar cubicle in the j@pu and a light bulb in her mouth? What disturbed you? If I would call 911 and the TV, it would be okay.

And here out of the bathroom comes this duck packed with apples. In a fibrous shirt, a white shirt, a blue shirt jacket and white golfs, with two white cushions... a child of non-earthly beauty, an angel is simple, only with an apple in the genitals, with the forbidden, b%o%, fruit. He takes my hand and on my ear, "I need to talk, I am ashamed of him." Isn’t that normal? She is not ashamed to chew with the help of an apple, but she is ashamed to talk about it. In the kitchen, she sits on the table and moves her lean legs. And with such a sad face. No, well I’m a doctor and a mother, but @b your mother! Why are you so stupid and stupid? And on the back of the tattoo, a 15 year old man. “I feel so bad! I think it failed in the stomach!” “Bloom to you! It’s not in the stomach, fool. It has already failed in the brain, we will do lobotomy, your skull is beautiful to open, I am powerless here, I need to call a doctor! “” 5 in the morning.

I call Uncle Van, a pathologist with a funny name Rabinovich, I explain the essence of the problem. Rabinovich arrives with a huge suitcase. The children in ah@e and panic. He says, “Pure prostynj, boiling water, alcohol”. He folds the girl on the table, takes the usual shovel, presses her slightly above the shovel with a hairy enormous stream, carefully turns the shovel and the pipe there! Unfortunate fruit decorates the straw. “Abbey is done, ladies and gentlemen!” Rabinovich speaks wildly, sows a glass of cognac and snacks an apple. Thus the. He wipes his hands with a kitchen towel, takes a cognac and leaves.

Everyone is happy, happy!

[ + 25 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №132463
 21.08.2016
It was 15 or 20 years ago. I am a 13-year-old boy, I went to the karate section with friends from school and courtyard. The city is small, and the time was like this. In general, small athletes were engaged in a regular basement FOKE. It has been, or is still, in every city.

Every day, breaking my head, I ran from school to that basement. After a year of hard training. We decided to make demonstrations before regional competitions.

The head of the city was invited as a spectator. She was a woman and she was the mayor.

It was placed more conveniently, and we began to show what we learned. Accommodations, all as required.

After all the performances, she stood up from her seat and said, "The bandits here are being prepared for us, close immediately! ! to !” The section was closed. This is a story about unfulfilled dreams, but I liked it so much.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №132462
 21.08.2016
When I was a child, my mother enrolled me in music school. I was recorded on clarinet. I met a young teacher who graduated, and possibly even studied at the Conservatory. I came to the first class, tried to get the right sounds, the teacher gave some recommendations for training at home. My mom decided to call him, ask about the schedule of classes or something else.

When my mother called, there was the same mother on the other end of the wire, only my teacher. She that Andrei (Vadim, Igor, I don’t remember) can’t answer, because. He is sleeping now. They said goodbye... I didn’t go to the teacher for classes anymore, and I didn’t go to the music school at all... When I asked my mom why I couldn’t go to classes anymore, she said, “I called him, he was asleep, and only addicts are asleep in the afternoon.”

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №132461
 21.08.2016
You have to get married, neighbor.
- So you have to feed your wife, and the wives are, you know, what a procrastinator.

(from the thumbnail)

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №132460
 21.08.2016
Most will try to get rid of such a husband as soon as possible, as he "washes her best years".

He wrote about sick people. Women are also more likely to expect their husbands. Men are never. And don’t have to talk about rabbits and all that, there are different situations. Fuck not that.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna