You have a beautiful daughter.

We have a son.

Why in the dress? O_O

Oh, this is a daughter. We also have a son.

After graduation, she went to work and left her parents.

I built a one-room apartment on the fifth floor. The main group are pensioners. There were four apartments on my site, three neighboring ones were occupied by grandmothers of an average age of 70.

Since this was my first rental housing, I was raised with respect for the elderly and tried to establish good neighbourly relations with them. Overall, I have succeeded. One of the neighbors was different :)

For the New Year, I gave each neighbor a box of candy. Everything was fine, thanked, began to ask for tea to drink, which I tactically refused.

On January 5, a neighbor-grandmother approaches me, holds a box of candy in her hands and says:

I thought about it and decided to give it back.

I had many thoughts in my head, but I said one:

Did I offend you something? Do you like the gift? He was of pure heart.

- That you, that you, did not offend, just not in my rules to take gifts, but could not immediately refuse. I thought, all the holidays suffered, but I can't overcome myself, here, take it.

All sorts of thoughts continued to roll in my head, but in fact I just shrugged my shoulders and took the candy back.

By the next New Year acquired as a gift for the neighbors a special set: tea + candy. I gave. The neighbor greeted her in words.

After the New Year holidays, she meets me on the stairs:

I learned that you gave gifts to our neighbors.

Well yes, I did it.

Why did you get around me?

- So you made it clear and clear that you do not accept gifts, I did not want to impose.

I could even catch up with an old man. Ugly from your side.

and well. I’ll go to the store and buy a gift for you.

- Late caught up, blue, no need anymore, - and, pressing her lips, hid in her apartment.

A few years ago, my girlfriend had an absolutely stupid story, but then it didn’t seem funny to us.

A grandmother called the police station and began to tell her neighbor that her neighbor was foolish and stupid, killing a child on the stairs. He holds his feet and hits the window with his head. Come, he says, and call an ambulance with you, suddenly alive yet?

Law enforcement agencies worked on their conscience and arrived in a few minutes, immediately behind them in the courtyard a ambulance.

They enter the parade room, and there the window is broken and blood on the floor. Trying to avoid the scene of the crime, the police called into the apartment. Here, the testimony of the grandmother began to disagree with reality. The “victim” slept in the bed, another child, the older one, played the comp, and the “shalawa and fool” cooked the soup. The policemen went to the grandmother in the company of a friend. The ambulance was on the stairs all the time. The grandmother opened the door, saw a friendly company and said that she probably thought, but once the ambulance came anyway, let them measure her pressure, or fall asleep.

The grandmother was fined for a false call, the ambulance did not measure anything and everyone left.

Where is the blood? And on the stairs at night, the alkasis fought, here is the "place of crime".

The grandmother was long in the back.

I work as a taxi driver. I come on order to one of the villages near the city and shook "expectation". A couple of minutes later, the guy comes out in the feeding room, and then the girl with the baby is also fine. Following, a woman of an uncertain age rolls out the wheelchair and asks me to put it in the trunk. No question, the wheelchair was folded and thrown into the trunk. They touched. I ask the address - the guy says he will show me how to get there (I hate this shit, taxi drivers will understand me). Well, we come to one of the not prosperous districts of the city - a completely private sector, house by house, Gypsies live with all the outcomes. We stopped near one of the houses, and the guys told me they would go in now, and in 10 minutes they would go out, and we would go on. “And let the wheel be a pledge,” they said. Okay, I’m not asking, I’m waiting, the taxi meter counts minutes. When the hour passed, I began to worry. In another 40 minutes, the body fell out of the house, or more precisely, a woman aged 40-60. On my question about my clients, she grabbed an acky horse, and then said the following: they came to drink and eat on a hole, they have no money or a penny, and in general, they are already in a drunken coma. Then she apologized, said that things were waiting for her (I joke), and left me alone with this information. I was just starting my business in this field, and I have not come up with anything smarter than selling a wheelchair (I agree with the House's mind). I fly to the dispatcher's office and tell the situation, then I offer the girls to buy a wheelchair at the price of the trip (the town is small, people's salaries are small - at the time they could buy a wheelchair without problems). The senior controller, a tough woman who worked in a taxi for more than five years, says to me: "Idiot, go to the trick, and give this wheelchair to someone under a description and write a statement, otherwise you will be sad. I did not have to argue with the elderly since childhood - I went to the department. It was evening, and there was nothing special in the department. There was an officer sitting in the checkpoint and another one came down to me. I generally described the situation, also showed the check (by the way, the taxi meter was working all this time - I turned it off only when I came to the department), and we went to the office to write all kinds of papers, before this delivered the wheelchair and put it in the shelter. Minutes after 20 in the office where we were drawing up the papers, a call came out and "my mint" removed the phone. In a minute, he begins to roast. At my silent question in his eyes he says, "You're lucky shit." In short, this couple, which I brought on the patte, a little distracted, understood that the child was oret, and where the child would put it. They remembered me and invented a simple story, namely: a taxi driver took us, then stopped in the middle of the road, drove us out with a child from the car, and squeezed with a wheelchair in the trunk. And with this story started in the department (city small-division one). They stood next to the checkpoint when we came down and, seeing me, probably all understood, began to mock something unclear. The story ended well – they borrowed somewhere the amount they owe me on the check, took the wheelchair and dropped it at sunset. Here is. The moral is that listening to the elderly is sometimes useful. But it is not certain.

Difficult times will come to you, dear Dmitry Anatolyevich, and to us they, thanks to you, have come for a long time.

About the trust.

I left the army in 1993. Walked a week. and...

Andrei met me with a puppy of fat, generous at licking and wretched. From the hallway, the puppy watched all the actions of a black cat, Panther! No, she was called more prose, I don't remember how, but she looked after him, exactly like in the cartoon about Mowgli.
Sit in the kitchen. I drank and congratulated me on Dumbledore.
and here! From the table, a cat is jumping out. The Black! Played with a puppy’s tail, tried to bite the tail of the “Major” Cat and jumped back to my feet.
The puppy tried to bite a puppy, but here the “Government” blinked and gave the Dog a leg! Without the nails, you know.
Black, scared both: a dog and a cat! The idiot jumped on my knees.
I pressed him and drove the dog away, because he was in the game, he did not understand what scared the cattle! He knows with whom to play!
The cat is in my hands.
The dog and the cat went together. My friends and I recorded my dembel.
The cat didn’t want to leave me at all.
I ask the owner of the apartment:
Andrew, you have a strange cat. The child was attacked. Then the offender went out.
This is not her cat! I picked up in the parade yesterday. He whispered, the cat cried and scratched the door to be opened to him. My wife and I gave up. She swept him out of everything. The hunter whispered a few times and calmed down. And here you came.
Word for word, and sleep smelled us.
My friend laid me down, sleeping alone.
And it started!
I don't remember the dog breed, something hunting. He had no legs, he could not sleep. And the cat, from sin, on my head climbed and was constantly trying to suck to the pot of my ear... So he fell asleep.
The morning.
The dog jumped out of my tired legs and woke up the owners!
The cat was lying on my head like glued!
I stand up! He jumps on my neck and blows! I’m going to the kitchen with this treasure. There, the owner has already made coffee and is fighting with the Dog.
The question arises! Since the cat is not of this family, and I so looked at him, it would be time to come up with a name! (The question that I will take it with me, even to me – did not arise!)
Coffee and thoughts.
Three thoughts!
I ask :
Before me, what was their name?
We did not call! It is smart! He went after our cat, polite to eat. I followed her into the room. He sits next to her and looks! Exiled or not. The dog did not see the cat at the time, he was busy with something. When he saw a new toy, he tried to bite the cat while playing. But even the cat jumped when the cat “broke” the dog’s leg on the nose.
That night, the cat took over the cat! A few hours later, Dembele was painted. and you!
by MIA!
The cat with me categorically does not want to tear, and from the race you do not give him a month.
The cat is black, with white legs, the strip-punctur called it in Andrew's joke... And I take and crack: - Let it be, "Strich!"
In a couple of hours, I went home with the most confident cat! He immediately trusted my life.
It was the best cat of the century. He lived only 14.5 years. I love him! So far!

He died in my arms.
I went to work at night. I thought the Striche had at least a week left. (The disease of the kidneys)
He came to me when I started dressing up. And I understood. and now! And when the agony began, only he insisted, looking him in the eyes, as his seizures tormented: - Strich, I am with you! I am with you! I love you! You are not alone! I am always with you!

So he died. I will never see such gratitude in my eyes.

The situation, when the prime minister declares that the next six years will be tough for the Russian economy, and his economy minister – that in six years Russia will catch Germany, suggests that cocaine continues to come to the government regularly, but Dmitry Anatolyevich prefers whiskey.

My brother, having built a house and settled in it, decided to try to hold a pig. For meat-salo and find out if it is so bad and unprofitable to feed and keep the animal, as they say.

A pig, in tribute to the tradition, was named Borka and became a favorite of my nephews, boys of 12 and 6 years of age. The boys fed Bork, ran on it and did not see a source of meat resources in it at all.

But time is going. It is time to beat the pig. At the family council, it was decided not to traumatize the child’s psyche by striking when children are in school and children. The garden. And the disappearance of the pet and the full refrigerator of meat can be explained by the fact that Bork was sold, and the money earned bought the same meat.

Two weeks after the struggling murder, I was walking in the park with my younger nephew, Alexey.

Serena, why did you sell her?

I repeated the official version.

But it could have killed him then and the meat would have been...

I looked at this 6-year-old boy and realized that we were taking care of them in vain.

I remembered the topic of interviews. It was many years ago, when I still had nothing to write in the resume, I had to fill it with "water" of the type of a long list of skills and personal qualities. Skopipastil from some resume: stress resistance, initiative, diligence, good memory, bla bla bla. invited to an interview. We met with HR and the director, we sat down, we talked. Director: “And here you have written about memory. What is my name?” I am “Andrei.” He said, “No Sergei.” I said, “Well, then let’s cut off the memory.” Poržali, the position received and worked there for several years.

A banker is a person who borrows you a towel at the price of a bed and asks you to return the towel.

My girlfriend complained. She broke a crane in the bathroom yesterday. Called the slider.
A bell at the door. and opened. Standing in the special with a suitcase, everything is as appropriate and asks with a voiced voice:
Spraychen Zy Doych?
And the rabbit, the son...

“But here we got a letter from Shamil Prokhorovich Katsnelson from Nigeria.
How the fate ordered man!

Nothing motivates the study of foreign languages as much as the activities of our government.

Theft of the Century

All, master, take the job. It is cold, hot, it opens – it closes, nothing flows.
Thank you very well.

I paid with the sanitary and led him to the door. He smiled a little and decided to ask:

- Sorry, this is the question: do you need an old mixer, or a discharge?
And so it all flows.
- It's nothing, I'll replace the bugs and goats, it will serve more, the metal in it is good. I am not asking for myself, maybe you know, in your entrance there is such a grandmother - Vera Stepanovna, she still has a French bulldog?
I know, I have seen.
- Well, she lives alone, grandchildren in another city, do not help at all, and the mixer in her has collapsed, your old for her would be for happiness. Don’t think, I won’t take money from her, even I sometimes take away from myself to do something for her in the apartment.
Where does this altruism come from?
What from where?
What is your interest if not money?
Yes, as you say... She’s a good man, that’s all. I can tell you how it happened, life. Six months ago, I brought my son to the army. I drank, of course, not without it. The son, leaving left me his new iPhone not to take with him, and I gave him my "callbox".
Here, of course, I broke up - after the wires, I went to work and worked well with our men.
In short, late at night I wake up from the cold, I raise my head, I look - I am alone, on the asphalt I lie right in the middle of the sidewalk, people cross through me. And then I remembered that I didn’t let my son’s iPhone out of hand all day. not there. I went around, there is nowhere. I have sports pants and a T-shirt, so there are no pockets, there is nowhere else to look for. Can you imagine what a blow to me? The phone costs like two of my salaries, and my son will come back, ask.
I came home, listening, of course, from my wife a couple of tenderness. I split up, started to take off the socks, and in it a note, opened, read:
“I have little strength, and you are very heavy, sorry, but I could neither wake you up nor lift you up. Just picked up the phone, and then see who will steal.
2nd entrance, 18 square meters
With respect to Vera Stepanovna.

Why hasn’t anyone yet decided to combine old-age homes, children’s homes and shelters for animals? An enormous house where the elderly teach the lives of small pets who have not seen their parents and together take care of abandoned animals. This is great, everyone will win!

Everyone has stories about bad taxi drivers or passengers. Let me tell you a few stories about good drivers.

Since I often use a taxi, stories have accumulated a lot, but there are special ones.

I usually drive on the cheapest, so the requirements I have, except for the "pick up and all" no.

I will try briefly.

1) The hour of night. I am delayed. I go home. I am lucky with an older man.

I usually ask you to land me without going into the courtyard, so as not to force a person to turn around the streets. I ask the same thing for this uncle, and he answers, “Are you mad? ? to The hour of night! Who at this time will let the girl alone walk through the courtyard! What entrance? this one? Wait, I’ll get up now to light you up. Do the windows come out? Help me when you are home! I have a granddaughter of your age, how can I not worry!”

I did not resist. In bright light, the lighthouse ran to the door and under the surprised look of her husband waved onto her uncle from the balcony, after which he immediately left.

2) Called a taxi to take my grandmother from the hospital to her home. She was sick and could not accompany her. I coordinated the driver by phone. Grandma stood on the stairs of reception rest and was ready to start to the shlakbaum.

The taxi driver refused to force his grandmother to walk by herself. All the truths and lies he passed under the shlackbaum, although the name of the patient was required from him and was not found in the lists. He decided that the grandmother was still in the department and was going to go after her to the chamber, in time stopped. Then he patiently and slowly helped her take her bags to the fifth floor. The trip cost him 200r and dropped him another 300 on the phone. Although he did not ask.

3) Carried a brother, a boy with the apparatus of Ilizarov to the cinema. The car is driving, I don't see the numbers, but I see the yellow sign "disabled". I laughed at him, and I’m sure! The driver was without a leg. The entire management was moved to the wheel. On the way, he told his brother how he was depressed and then found an incentive to live actively, how he tried different professions and decided to ride again, told how the car was arranged for the disabled, gave a piece on the wheel and quietly silenced, leaving us, smiling, near the cinema.

4) She fell asleep in the car. She slipped all over the rear seat and almost let go of saliva. When I arrived, the driver woke me up very carefully. “Girl... sweet girl... we’re here... wake up.”

It turned out that after seeing me asleep, the guy was driving as carefully and smoothly as possible, periodically looking to see if he woke up on the road and still stood for a while in the hope that I would wake up myself.

The driver jumped out of the car and opened the door to me. The exit too. When traveling for 104 rubles to say that I was in shock - nothing to say.

6) When there was a terrorist attack in Peter, I was lucky to catch a ghetto. There was no money with me at all. The driver agreed to wait at the entrance until I took it. We had to go from Vaska to the north. Applications rushed like a cage, the phone was running without stopping. We went, the driver slightly said that we would have to eat, but apparently not the fate, not to go to the store, because the city went crazy. She gave him the cakes bought at the bakery and a bottle of drinking yogurt, served a cigarette. He was terribly squeezed, in exchange for chewing gum. The poor man was sitting at my entrance. He looked very hungry.

I had a lot of taxis. They were inadequate. They were adequate. There were a lot of scammers and I want to say thank you to them for knowingly performing the service, they treated me as the most expensive customer. A good taxi driver in the morning is able to raise the mood, instill confidence, set a good pace. A good taxi driver in the evening is able to pleasantly finish the day and calm the nerves.

A good driver is a bit of a psychologist.)

Good taxis and thankful customers!

In life I do not like various psychological tests, because I believe that a person is a very complex creature, and it is difficult to drive him into some framework and "accentuation".

I remembered this topic a funny case at the study at the Tver Medacademy, so in 2000, at a class in medical psychology. Prepod gave us tests with the following questions:

1st How do you assess your physical well-being right now?

2nd How do you assess your mental well-being?

Three How do you assess your sexual well-being?

4 is Your attitude to life.

5 is Your attitude to drugs.

It was necessary to place a percentage figure in front of each point and submit anonymously in 10 minutes.

For 2 minutes I was thinking about what kind of idiot it was, and how to measure the attitude toward life in percentages.

Having come up with nothing, I imagined as if A.S. Pushkin had answered this, and for the remaining time, in front of each point, he spotted:

1st I am sick, all in the green.

2nd The brain does not cook a bottle.

Three I have no girls.

4 is Life is shit!

5 is And Anash...

The teacher really shrugged his face when he reached my paper.

The main thing is to set a goal. Let it stand. You lie where you lay.

I sit in the office and I don’t touch anyone. The phone call, lady
How much does the court cost you?
Which court?
by the child.
What about the child? Alimentation, the procedure for communication, deprivation of parental rights?
You are some stupid! I called you in one of the offices and I was immediately told: 80,000 rubles!
We have 75 thousand rubles.
Why so expensive?
What did you answer in the previous office?
They said it was expensive because it was a child.
Well here! It is expensive because it is a child.
Could it be cheaper?
Describe the situation in more detail!
How incomprehensible you are! trial of the child.
Oh I understood! The case is really difficult, we also have 80,000 rubles.

The Israeli army is so economical that it has learned to shoot down planes with foreign missiles!