I know people who say 'women are not needed, I'm successful without them,' although in fact it turns out that they are mostly losers or just afraid to approach a necrocodile (in the sense of a well-maintained girl). So there are 25-year-old uncles with complexes about this, who cheat themselves with all sorts of "I'm too good to be such an animal."
Viral: Seconds 3 tried to remember what a codil is and how its dead version is related to the topic. Something seems to be wrong with me.

The necrocodile is a zombie programmer.)

Interesting mathematics?
This is something else. My son gave me here.
He goes into the room and says

C: I calculated here that if we buy a new toilet, it will repay itself in 75 years.
I: Is it like this?
A: very simple: if you buy a toilet of a special design, preventing the formation of splashes we will save money on the paper, which we throw into the toilet every time to prevent the unpleasant "splash".

I am in the car. The Milky Way =)

I sit in my room, clinging to the pickup. The phone rings here. See also "Mom" I took the phone:
I am – Allo.
Rom, come into my room.
I, slightly upset, go into her room (note that my room is much further away from the kitchen than her). My mom is lying down, watching "The Internet". The further dialogue:
I : – What?
Mom (smiles): Bring me a piece of cake from the kitchen.
I go to the kitchen looking for a cake, but it’s not there. I ask :
What kind of cake?
Mother (with a wild trollface): - Which you will prepare =D

A guy found a folder with a collection of erotic photos and a couple of beautiful porn movies on my computer. I found and now steep constantly, say, what a dirty girl I am and remember at every convenient occasion. Only he doesn’t realize that I’ve found porn on his note before. I just understand everything and don’t start "and that’s myself...!"
What a man, I’t look together.

A grandmother with a grandson (4-5 years old) goes to the pharmacy. The grandson sits on the bench and starts playing with two pieces of plastic, imagining they are soldiers. The following is the dialogue between the "soldiers":
Will you be tea?
2 will be. And with what?
1 with Dynamite!!! to
And throwing out one "soldier" with sounds imitating an explosion)))

Now I called a representative of the cellular operator to see if I am satisfied with the services. The incident occurred during the conversation. Not calling back.

The telephone dialogue

She: Will you come soon?
He: Give me... (thinking how much time he needs)
She: Lady, and when will you come?

Talk about MMM:
My youth was in the age of the pyramids.
What is Egyptian?

Love is when he holds her hair while she grows.
Love is when she doesn’t boil, but in the kitchen at the plate stands and prepares dinner for her favorite.

The possibility of purchasing goods from abroad:
LONDON: Well guys, I’m getting tough.
LONDON: Ukraine is a small country
London: What if they call me?? to
Shveik: And you?

Cats when they are hungry are so affectionate)))
If you are hungry, you will be hungry. 😉
Well, this is why men are angry when they are hungry...not like cats.
zzz: I have already imagined how a hungry man begins to rub on your legs...to lie on your back, to rub on the carpet.....mimi)))

The by-product of civilization: an idiot with a higher education.

Recently, the media trumpeted about how a certain Sam Schmidt, after a long stay in a coma, suddenly miraculously got out of her and immediately asked home.
And it happened at the moment when his relatives and doctors joked about him to disconnect the life support devices.
This is a real case, my friend told me. He had a cat: he has been lying for a week, food and water are not touched. By the morning, the cat will die. The man reasoned that in the morning, before going to work, you will need to dignified buried the cat. He went into the garage and brought a ball.
In the morning - I couldn't believe my eyes: the bowl with food is empty, and the cat is sitting at the refrigerator.

Explanatory note by I. Shchenkov.
I, the procrastinator, I, handed over to the reception commission a new 5-storey house built by our company. The house was accepted with the rating "good", but with a note: you need to remove the old hole in the yard, clean the place under the playground.
I instructed the workers to fit the compressor with the hammer to destroy the building. Half an hour later, the workers that the hamsters had crashed, and there were no spare.
Then I sent the bulldozer, but soon the bulldozer returned, saying that the knife had broken and the clutch had flown. The excavator sent by me also failed: the iron-barrel broke, and the wire broke.
Using personal contacts, I asked a familiar submerger to thoroughly explode this hole. However, after the explosion, our new 5-story building collapsed, and a patch fell from the shell, under which they found a sign with the inscription: "This chapel was built by the HOLOP of Vanka Chlystov dirty and lazy, for which it was plotted."

My boss, a regional deputy, and I lead his reception. We have a small fund to fund charitable activities. Since citizens often turn to the deputies for money, like some kind of mutual aid fund, the fund is never overcrowded. Most of the appeals are questionable, here are some examples of recent monetary claims:

1st A citizen wants to throw over the city from a helicopter leaflets in support of Pussy Riot. Ask for money to rent a helicopter. The papers he has already made, handwritten. About 100 pieces. They refused. He said that he knew, the bloody regime and the suffocation of democracy. To explain why the leaflets need to be thrown out precisely from the helicopter, he could not. Maybe he just wants to ride a helicopter.

2nd The citizen asked for money to buy a homeopathic drug. The course costs 50,000. She has been drinking it for a year, it didn’t help. I went to homeopathy again. The homeopath said that you need to reduce the dose and extend the course. I have no money, my pension is small. They refused. He said he would complain to the prosecutor’s office. Flag in hand, gave the address of the prosecutor's office.

Three The citizen argued with the companion that he could bite his own elbow. I disputed the apartment. He could not bite. As a true gentleman, he “rewritten” the apartment to the winning citizen. Now he has nowhere to live, asking for help in finding housing. D'Artagnan was sent to the city administration.

4 is Numerous merchants have burned on the distribution of various ("natural", "natural", "homeopathic", "nano-..", "bioenergy" and other exotic) cosmetics. As a rule, they offer to buy a legacy product, or to withdraw the money paid for cosmetics from the supplier.

5 is A very active lady. She said she represented a group of fans who delegated her to the Olympics in London. Asked to pay for a plane ticket to London and attend sports events. To the question of what relationship the deputy has to her entertainment abroad, it was difficult to answer. He offered her to take a souvenir compass with a party symbol. Angry, she said that she would tell everyone about the power of power. I agree, let me.

6 is A citizen intends to participate in car races. He said it was necessary to fund the purchase of a sports car. The car he has already looked at, b / ear, but the price is funny, only one and a half million. He loves speed and has no doubt about his victory.

7 is Somewhere in Moscow is liquidating the horse factory. A citizen came and asked for money to buy one of the liquidated horses. The horse is intended to be used in business (to be leased in a short term for breeding). Deputy promised to ride a horse on the streets of the city for free, and to attach an election campaign to the seat.

8 is an industrial artist. Creates canvases from debris of metal, canvas and ropes. Wild is rare. He complains about narrowed housing conditions, asks to allocate the studio necessary for creativity with an area of not less than two hundred square meters. From the trouble of searching for the studio he is ready to save us, a suitable apartment (penthouse on the last floor of an elite house with a terrace) he has already looked after. Even ready (appreciate the generosity!) not to designate an apartment as property, but only to use it for work and living.

9 is A man breeds chickens. He that he invented an installation for the production of electricity from chicken meat, which will make his chicken farming completely ecological and autonomous. Money is needed to create an experimental sample of the unit. We did not give money. History had a continuation. A local energy company said a citizen did not pay for electricity, despite the fact that his farm shines bright lights at night. The farmer replied that he was not only a cooker, but also an inventor, built an electrochemical generator on a chicken grove and now thought of energy makers. Energetics proved to be principled and discovered a secret cable of illegal connection to the LEP, skillfully masked with chicken excrete. After disconnecting the specified cable, the chicken reactor stopped generating electricity. Energy writes a lawsuit to the court and the usual to the police. He writes letters to the FAS, the European Court of Human Rights, Greenpeace and the UN.

XX: The main thing, Kirkorov in the church sang on the amvon (and generally took the temple when he baptized his daughter, expelled the parishioners, and this was also broadcast on TV...) - and he walks on freedom. It is unfair!

UUU: Oh, it’s songs just in the church to sing and not =)

XX: Yes, it’s also undesirable on the stage.

Brother (B) wrote from Poland. He lives in Warsaw. I accidentally poured an iPad shower gel. Call the Apple Service (C):
B: - Allo, press, tell me what to do, the ipad gel for the soul poured.
C: Yes, we need to change. It will cost 900 zlotys (~300 $).
B: What can I do now so that the rest of the electronics don’t shut down?
C: And you hit him with a hammer on the screen glass. Remove the fragments.
B: How about a hammer? Can I bring him to you? Do you remove the screen carefully?
C: – You can bring it, of course, only we...we’ll also open it with a hammer.

by Paranoia Doll
I understood what the phrase on baby pants for girls "cherry girl" means. I have, by the way, on black and white and black and pink such an inscription on the rubber x.
by Azumi_Shinji
And what then?
by Paranoia Doll
I read about Matt on your wall.
by Paranoia Doll
So here. Cherry – in non-normative vocabulary, means "whole".
by Azumi_Shinji
Drop it, not for you. :D

In my childhood, at 9 years old, I liked rap.
Then I began to understand English.

Puppy – a cat
DragonFLY: By the way, I’m sitting on the couch – I’m painting. The swallow comes down to me on my knees, sitting, murmuring. I kept doing my business and holding a mirror in my hands, pulled for the carcass, so this cattle! I jumped a half-meter, whipped and almost grabbed my nails in my face, landed gently back on my knees and blanket. She looks at me and I look at her. Who is more shocked is unclear.
It turned out that when I pulled over the body, I turned the mirror, the cat saw its reflection and was frightened.
DragonFLY: And I told her to eat less, then the reflection would not be afraid.