I worked in Yandex for two years, in Yandex.

A lot of friends did not come from work during this time. When asked where I worked, I honestly answered in Yandex, without clarification, I thought and so everything was clear.

After those two years, it turned out, half thought I was working in Yandex. Taxi driver, the second half is in Yandex. Food by courier.

Two years ago I agreed with my son that if he gets 80+ points for every three items, I’ll buy him the latest iPhone in the best setup. The son fulfilled his part of the agreement, the next day I brought him the phone. He asked to give him back. As a result, I bought two other phones for 25 thousand. One phone he left for himself, as the old phone already has a dead battery, the other gave to a friend, with whom he was sitting from 5th grade at the bar. It turns out, the girl is raised by one grandmother and with finances is very difficult, and as a year goes with a broken phone, which does not work well screen. They and the class go on a journey for a couple of days, for the remaining money he asked to take the expenses of the girl on himself. He said that he wants to make a person very pleasant, that she always helped him and wants to leave a very good memory of himself (the son goes to another city to study). Not to say I was very surprised, but it touched me.

The skeleton came out of the closet, digged into the bushes, found the piano and started playing.

Even Lenin stands up.

Today was fun. He comes to me in the morning to the office of the Petrovich enterprise, whistles a greeting through his moustaches and wraps his head somewhere in the corridor.

– Sally Kaesovna, there... it’s...
What is? I am stressed.
I went... there... in the corner... my brother. In the green package.
of something?
It is forel! He rescues him.

I make another attempt to figure it out.

What did they go, where? You are about what?

Petrovich picked up more air in his chest to formulate for the most outspoken.

I brought forel to you. I put it in the freezer, in the corner. In the green package. My brother brought me from work, and he named the factory where this fish is produced.
Okay, I am uncertain. How much do I owe you for a forel?
- Yes, I said that I just brought it, - Petrovich was already tired of my questions and obviously wanted to leave soon.
And for what?
These heroins are stinking!

Now it has clarified. The department with which Petrovich had a difficult relationship for centuries was the accounting department. And you need to contact them regularly, because Petrovich is the head of the transportation shop. In addition to being rigorous about excess gasoline and toilet paper, accounting is famous for having, like no other department, a strong herd instinct. One made the nails "with the design" - all ran and glued the same. One bought phalaenopsis orchid - in a couple of weeks, the entire department was filled with pots. One put a money frog on the table... and so on. And when I returned to work in this office, a great surprise for me (and I will not say that pleasant) was the passion of accounting with spirits with pheromones. The employees there are, of course, for the most part quite young (except for the headmaster), but, fucking, why women with a higher economic education and mostly family, perfumes with pheromones during working hours?

I don’t know much about it, but it doesn’t smell so bad. But... the smell of these hellish pheromones stood as if all the most stinking females of wild animals in the stream were gathered to attract sexual males specifically to our accounting room for mating and further joint upbringing of offspring. Whether they pour these pheromones wrong and wrong, whether they drink, whether they were sold cheap counterfeit from the snorkel, but it became impossible to be in the accounting office. And Petrovich was there, I repeat, regularly. Whether the pheromones did not act on him, or, on the contrary, they acted, but he spoke louder than usual and walked darker than the clouds, smelled his shirt and pleaded.

What do you smell like... interesting? - I wondered through vomiting when I also had to go to the accounting office. I used to feel that something strange stinks from the employees of this department, but when they are all together in the same herd in the same herd – it is really something that can knock down even a very large predator. I have already expressed my attitude towards the overuse of even normal spirits that are not chemical weapons.
- Parfums with pheromones, - proudly cheered ladies.

I did not hesitate to ask why they had all this animal magnetism at work (suddenly the chief of the centralized accounting office, when they go there with the papers, will not withstand and master them right on the desk), and the experimentators explained that these are spirits of the "new generation", and the real effect of them comes after a few hours of use, when the "all superfluous" is ventilated. In general, just in the evening they will delight in this personal husbands, not outsiders. Some of them have a sister who uses these magical tools for especially repelled fools.

- Girls, but do you know that breathing here is impossible? I have clarified.
So no one goes to us except Petrovich, and he doesn’t care.

No one walks. and UGU. Colleagues complained to me about our sexually concerned accounting packages, someone even went out to quarrel, but what else to do here if the accounting company wants to fuck up with the perversions and is petty to the suffering employees? In our internal regulations it is stated that it is forbidden to use perfumes and other substances with sharp odors at work, unless they are intended for disinfection or elimination of IBS. I know this rule precisely, because the relevant paragraph was put into the document by me personally, feeding an indestructible hatred for people who do not know how to use spirits, so they suck and sweat with them instead of applying them in small doses where only selected lucky people will smell them. However, there is no serious punishment under the law for violating these rules.

Director Sergey responded unreasonably to the complaints of employees. He is so... unstoppable. He tries to make less contact with the people, and to complain to him about any employees (if it is not about work matters, but about interpersonal matters) - a complete fool. And I understood that we and Petrovich would continue to act.

I came to him and said:

When will the director and the accountant go to the central accounting office together?
“On Thursday,” said Petrovich.
In different cars?
He responds with dignity.
“Maybe,” I ask carefully, “that one of the cars had to go to the service urgently, and the director had to go with the accountant?
Why in service? I don’t understand Petrovich’s words.
- Well, the lights wipe out... Water in the washer pour out...

Finally, I explained to him in direct text that he has the only chance to remedy his and our misery.

On the appointed day, the director was forced to sit in the same car with the accountant and the chief accountant. Moreover, in the car that the accountantry was driving regularly, and not in the one that usually carried him. Sergei returned with a taxi. He called the chief and said briefly: if tomorrow will smell at least a little, he will dismiss everyone and recruit others. Which do not smell.

And here Petrovich came to express my gratitude. When he left, he asked:

- And what, really, if you sprinkled with such spirits, then anyone will get up on anyone?
I don’t know, I haven’t tried...
"I think," said Petrovich, "that even Lenin will rise from this smell. He will flee into the forest and be buried there, so that he will not smell.

The method developed by the Ministry of Health to count patients saved Russia from a new outbreak of the coronavirus.

For two years we (I, the middle and younger brothers) were raised in a shelter. The pedagogical staff was very competently selected, all the educators and babysitters were kind, fair and never oppressed the students. This is what I now understand, and then... One day my younger brother fell sick with watermelon and he was placed in an isolator, he was 5 years old and I was 15. Every evening, before the draw, I went to him to read fairy tales or tell fictional stories with a good fair end, sometimes trying to teach him to write his name. He could not understand that the letters should be in one line and wrote them differently throughout the sheet. The letter "B" in the middle, the letter "i" in the upper left corner, the letter "t" in the bottom right, and the letter "I" in general on the whole sheet and looked like this: "R", but it turned out to be flat, accurate and very beautiful! Every time I sang him before I left, he fell asleep, I kissed him and left. That evening I closed the door of the insulator and went as usual to my group, along the way I remembered not taking my pen and returned. Quietly, trying not to make a noise, I opened the door and went to the table, took the pen and leaned to him to kiss again, and his cheek was wet from tears, he lay and silently cried, so as not to annoy me before leaving. I hugged him and cried, of helplessness, of the fact that nothing can be changed, of the fact that I can't protect him from being lonely in this damn isolator and have to leave him alone in a dark little room. 22 years have passed since then, but every time I recall that moment, my heart is shrinking from pain and I don’t know if he was crying every night when I left because he never asked me to sit down again, always slept or pretended to be asleep. I love you brother.

Once, at the age of 6, I asked my dad what my paternity was "Dmitrievna" or "Vladimirovna". The father was noticeably tense, issued "Dmitrievna" and asked where the legs of this interest are growing.

And I just knew my dad’s name was Dima, but I didn’t know what the full name sounded like. And in the name of Vladimir, I also heard the root of DIM. But Dad thought for a moment. A friend of the WOW family also had a...

The morning. and Taxi.

The passenger is a 25-year-old man. He speaks tightly on the phone. Rather, he does not even talk, but more often there is a loud begging female cry, which unpleasantly cuts my ear and me.

“I’m an Iranian,” a few minutes after the start of the trip, he puts on the phone. A week ago, my wife took her away, and my father returned her.

Arrived in Iran? Taxi drivers are hard to surprise.

and no. She is Uzbek. My parents live in Uzbekistan, they changed me.

The hero...

- Six months ago I got married, she was at home, and I provided her all, worked... And then I learned that she has a lover. On the dating site found...

......

Do you know what is the worst thing about it? Asking after a short pause.

...??? to

He is a Tajik!! to

He was on a trip abroad, and his son had a birthday. I gave him a bottle of wine as a gift. Specifically asked the seller to advise something better, because I do not understand it myself.

I gave. The man rejoiced:

“Well,” he says, “we’ll open it together next weekend.

I come to visit them. Organize a small table. Open the bottle. The taste is pure. It is not of the best quality. Even the smell is disgusting.

- Fuck, sorry, the seller fell sick someone advised, I was upset.

Here comes his wife:

He ate your whiskey the first night. I’ve been around with a bottle all day. And then the same ones poured there with tea...

- Great whisker, bring more, I just thought, you still don't ball, you won't notice.

Lenin: A monk can drive a Mercedes

Once from work sent to training in personnel management for middle-level managers.

We sit and discuss different things. The coach throws the topic: have you met employees in your practice who are constantly late?

One guy says, yes, there was a girl in my department, led several departments, performed duties qualitatively, but was constantly having trouble coming to work. The company has a strict regime control, and she is 5 minutes late, then 10 minutes late, every day.

The coach directly revived: yes, yes, that’s what I’m saying, a very good example! How did you solve this problem?

Boy: I married her and started taking her to work on time.

A black woman to a white man.
- Remember, if you start flirting with me, I will accuse you of harassment.
I am not going to flirt with you.
You are also a racist!

In the courtyard 2004.

I met the girl on March 7. Sitting in the cafe. The first kiss, all work. According to her, it is an intelligent family. Dad is a diplomat. My mother is a doctor.

What to give for March 8th?

The best gift, as you know, is a book. I ask, do you love to read?

I answer, I love it, of course.

I bought her a gift edition of Edgar Poe's works.

I give you a bouquet of flowers and a book.

He asks, what shit is this?

My favorite writer. Read it will like. Classics of American Literature. You said you love to read.

The girl is a little stuck.

I mean the brilliant magazines.

A colleague at work during the watch took it for this, then for that, and then when he left home, he took a little more, and eventually got something about 2500 rubles. (2014 the year). He went home. Debt promised to return, and never returned, died in a dream of Quincke's edema.

Together with another colleague, they were on the train for the third day, then another 5 days of the helicopter was waiting for the departure to the facility. They ate and drank for my money. He borrowed me 6500 rubles. Upon returning home, one of my colleagues immediately paid me the debt as soon as we were counted in the office. The second one had to be given later. But I never gave it. Eventually, I fell under the train.

The energy engineer, already at another place of work, was familiar with them. He owed me 500 rubles for two years. So I told him these two stories, and in a minute he pulled me 500 rubles and said, "You carry some hernia, take away from sin!"

Emotional security is like this.



When you run out of the bathroom in horror and complain (almost matte) that the toilet has stopped washing... and the 4th of the summer says, “Surely it’s because of me. I dropped a lot of papers. I needed a cardboard̆ roll. I’m sorry, pleasĕ And instead of “no cartoons today” you answer, “OK, thank you for your honesty.”



When a teenager calls you from school, travel in tears and says, “I’m drunk with alcohol. What should I do? Instead of “you’ll get home,” you say, “Don’t worry. This is not the end of the world. With whom are you? Where is? in safety? »



When you say to your husband, “Song, check if she is breathing. She’s sleeping too long.” And instead of “don’t say nonsense, thoughts are material,” he answers, “I’ll check. But what are you afraid? » And you discuss with him your fear of sudden syndromĕ childhood̆ death. He embraces you.



When Rebecca says, “I’m afraid to make an unfaithful choice, you don’t go to that university. Suddenly I’ll regret,” and instead of “you have another year to think, it’s an important decision, it depends on the whole life” you answer, “You can always change your mind. A mistake is also a result. We are growing and our view of ourselves is changing.”



When older children say about the baby, "when she screams, I have such anger, such anger within me," and you understandably sneeze instead of reminding her that it is your sister and you should love her.



How comfortable to live in a house where there is emotional security. Life is completely different̆. In her there is almost no fear, less anger and a lot of support.

Mother burned her favorite dress with a stitch and was very upset about it. I sincerely wanted to delight her and I started looking for the same dress. I thought it would not be difficult to find it, as it was bought in a large network store, but since this collection was created a few years ago, it was no longer sold in the store. A charming girl-consultant offered to travel through the stockpiles or look for someone's flight on the network. I went around 8 out of 9 stocks and found a new (with a mark) exactly like this dress.

I quickly bought it, wrapped it in a gift package and gave it to my mom. It would seem like buying a dress is such a nonsense, and she still considers me a hero.

Disappointment is when it seems like it’s time to get married.

My wife and the younger went to my mother for the weekend. I am home with the elderly. He plays with friends on the street, right under our windows, then they run in the crowd, then for toys, then to drink, then to change clothes. I am busy at this time - I prepare lunch, parallel my floors and clean up. A boy from their company, watching this picture, says to me:

- But my dad said that a man should come to the kitchen only to eat, and the cloth can not even touch.

While I was thinking about how to gently explain to him that his dad was not quite right, one girl was quick:

Everyone knows you have a strange father.

And with noise and laughter the children ran out to the street, and the boy came out thoughtful.

Thanks to you, good girl.

When entering the store, do not allow the thermometer to be attached to your forehead to measure the temperature.
They wipe away the memory.
Yesterday I went for bread and milk and went out with two bottles of beer.

My nephew came in for a visit. Well, how did it happen that we met him on the basketball pitch, who will get to the basketball shield in a jump and who will jump further in length. Our parameters: I am 183 cm, 35 years old. Nephew 21 years old, height 190 cm. I got to the shield, the nephew is not, well, and in length I jumped a whole foot further. Summary: I am lying on the bed for the third day with a sick back and I give myself injections, and tomorrow to the doctor. The boy returned home whole and uninjured. The youth has won.)