I was 3-4 years old. My father took me to the bathroom, and after washing, he bought a glass of beer in the buffet. I watched him drink and thought it was probably even more delicious than lemonade. When I noticed my interest, my father gave me a blow... For 15 years, I still didn’t take this ugliness into my mouth. And this is exactly the same situation happened to me and my son, at the same age. Waiting for his reaction, I pulled him a glass. He drinks it completely, stretches me and says, “More!”

Like many kids, I dreamed of a dog. And here I was gifted a puppy, a small and awkward daughter of a proud customs shepherd and a flying cockroach :) We lived at the time with our parents in the shelter (who doesn't know, room 17 square meters / m, common kitchen and bathroom), of course, my puppy's place there was unusual. And in the early summer I went to the village, with my best friend, Chapa! Thro the summer we were untouched by water, and into the forest and to the lake and on the great, everywhere together. It was a wonderful dog, smarter and more affectionate I had never met. But now it was August and by the end of the month I had to go back to town, school time. Every weekend I asked my parents to come to the village because Chapa was waiting for me there. A few months later, when I came to the village, I was not met by my hairy miracle. My grandfather said, “I have died. I was crying for two days, when it was time to go to the city, I also whispered my nose. My friend, my Chapa is dead. It was the end of everything. ...

A year has passed, summer has arrived. The pain was forgotten, removed.

On a bad day, I walked around the courtyard. On the trail, I noticed a dog getting worse, in the shrubs. And with a terrible crushing feeling in my chest, I recognized my Chapa in this dog. She ran to me with a gallop, I hugged her in tears, and she licked my tears.

I couldn’t believe in the reality of this occurrence, as it was all...

It turned out, like Chapa was a fox, during the rush, cows ran to her and my relatives gave her to some alkasha, to a distant huthor. She was put on a chain. Here is all that.

Do you think I was allowed to leave her?

No is.

My Chapa was returned to that Alkasha, and I went there every day to see her. Alkas was tired of it and he just struck my Chapa with pollen in my eyes.

A few years later, he snatched the tail of his companion and left for life, before this knife struck his father.



The pets, the boys. I write tears in my eyes again. Scuco.

I will tell you my story too. He was a boy and spent the summer as many children of that time (end 1980) in the village. And in the village we had a sarai, a sarai with various interesting things. Among them was a motorcycle from Minsk.

The motorcycle has been there for many years. I bought it to my uncle long before I was born. He drove on it until he simply stopped driving. And since the uncle's hand is out of his ass, he just put him in the bag. Grandfather did not need it, and this miracle stood in the dust for almost 15 years.

In the summer, at my 14 years old, my uncle during a family dinner handed me the keys to the motorcycle and said, "Take, understand, do, do what you want, it is now yours."

All of his relatives bowed him with loves. He was a star that night. And I, that I... I already in a hundred seconds scratched my motorcycle from under the barrel!

Of course, this summer was amazing, I bought a new chain for the money collected from the debris, made friends with the older boys from the yard and with their help took the carburetor, changed the cameras in the wheels. In one word, he spent almost 3 months on a iron horse.

Here is the day X. With friends found gasoline, diluted with oil. And I took a motorcycle! It was an untransmitted feeling, before my childhood gaze all the epic twists that were waiting for me.

The relatives came out of the house and looked at me and my horse with astonishment.

Uncle then ran, immediately jumped on the motorcycle and went to walk, I watched all the action just with pride for myself.

But, here the uncle returned and simply bursting well, drove the mozzicle into the shell and not very explaining with the key went home.

On my questions and protests, the households said they will give tomorrow.

And for tomorrow, Mosic from the morning was stolen where it was sold.

I didn’t get money from my uncle.

There was a response to the protests. That I did not understand it and nobody gave it to me. I’m 40 and I still hate it.

On anekdot.ru it is very easy to separate anecdotes from news:
If it’s funny to tears, it’s a joke.
If it’s funny through tears, it’s news.

By the way, about mushrooms.
When I was young, I was not taken to the forest. The older sisters were released.
And here they gathered together once in a company, a man can be five or six, with neighboring girlfriends, and ask the father.
“Daddy, can we take Burana with us?
The Buran was named a puppy, a very small puppy, whom his father brought only a few days ago. Not a dog, but a toy.
The father thought and said:
Well take it. Do not lose.
The puppy, though tiny, but intelligent, was running behind someone's heels all the time, so it was unlikely to get lost.
It is not close to the forest, five or six kilometers, but according to rural standards is normal. The puppy where with his feet, where on his arms, and in the woods all the time looked at him to be close. They picked up mushrooms, went out on the roof, sat down to rest, here on a collective farm truck passes by Uncle Sasha.
What, girls, have you picked up mushrooms? So sit down, I’ll go.
They, joyful, jumped into the body, he brought them to the village and brought them.
Back home, where is Buran? But not Burana. I forgot in the forest. When the joyful ones in the car loaded.
Oh, what started here. Tears and sweat. They ran back and where. My father just shrugged his hand. I was upset, of course, but I did not insult anyone, I allowed it, it was my fault. They burned for a day or two and forgot. The father said, don't cheer, I'll bring a new, the puppies in the wreath are still left.

Buran arrived in a week. All dirty, in repins, but very joyful. It is unclear how he found the way back. The cat would be lost.
Here it started again, - tears, tears, whispers, joy-filled pants. The father asks:
God, how did you survive?
And the puppy only knows the tail whipped and licked everyone.

How many years later I will not say, but Buran was already an adult, and I grew up, we went on mushrooms. And here he runs through the forest there and here, and at some point, and disappeared. I scream :
Buran to Buran!
And the silence.
I go, and he lies under the tree, and the white mushroom eats. Such a good mushroom, young, strong. I say :
What fucking do you do that? Go out of the jersey!
And he borovik doel, the root spit out, and then joyfully jumped.
He was in the woods and survived.
How many dogs I never met then, Buran was the only dog that ate mushrooms and berries. The mushrooms are exclusively white, and the berries are only berries.

(The replica "You don't want to live so fast" wanted to leave commentators, but did not. They will)

At a meeting with the head of VTB Kostin, the president said: "We have difficult times now." Kostin did not understand why he was having difficult times now, but in politeness agreed.

The essence of Russian business is exhausted by the only Pushkin phrase: "I need an employee, a cook, a horse and a carpenter. Where would I find such a worker not too expensive?”

The Jewish Scheme
“Their circle is narrow, they are terribly far from the people.”

In Peter, next to the shelter where I lived, was fashionable in the cabbage area. In the evening, local bandits came to him on the nine to spend their billions earned in the morning.
For the most part, it was dangerous for a normal person to even walk near that cabbage and its inhabitants. The times were harsh, and the morals unstoppable. Beginning of the nineties. Little, you go past and you will be asked, “What do you look like this? Audacious?” or “What do you look in the eyes of people, you are not behind?” The second or third question will already sound like this: “We went to re-design the apartment. Who is written in it besides you?”

If you think I exaggerated, you are just lucky not to live in those times.

In this same cabbage, a day later, in the evenings, my comrade, an astute Jew named Trub (once he studied at the Division of Spiritual Instruments, and then dropped, and the nickname remained).
Naturally, the Tubes had clashes with the bandits every day. Regular visitors knew him, of course, and respectfully greeted him with both hands, but with strangers, there were problems almost daily. Someone the Trubus did not let into the cabbage, the brothers were bullshit, grabbed the Trubus for the chest, were going to break his nose, and the Trubus had a very elaborate scheme for this case. After a moment, he said in a calm and convincing voice:

and stop! You are seven, and I am alone. If you are the right people and have the desire to deal with it, then I am ready with any of you to come out right now and right here one-on-one and resolve our conflict. If you do not want it yourself, please put any other of your fighters against me. I’m here until morning so you have time to go for it.

Usually, in nine out of ten cases, the boys from such a frank scheme somewhat cooled, "gave back" and "fused" And if someone, still accepted the challenge (which did not happen often), then the Tube cut off the opponent as quickly and prominently as possible, trying not to break anything to him. He was mostly “on the livery” as he called it.
In general, it is not a great merit, of course, if you are a master of the sport of the international class in boxing, and also acting.
I once asked him:

- Tub, you have a great scheme, of course, but it can also fail. Are you not afraid that suddenly another gang will bring a boxer who will still be able to cut you off? What then?
Do you want to talk to a Jew? ha ha! Those who can cut me off, I am not afraid.
Why this?
That’s why, one day, it happened as you say. I had a snack with some Armenians, they accepted my challenge and said that now they will bring the fighter, prepare, say, to death. In the morning with them really came a huge Ara, came out of the car, approached me... we hugged, he sat back in the car and immediately left.
At that time, Arya and I traveled around the world for youth championships.
I know everyone who can beat me from childhood, they’re fifteen and they’re my best friends.

In the middle of the day, a robber broke into the apartment. He bound the woman and, threatening with a gun, demanded from the man all the valuables in the house.
“Brother,” the man begged with tears in his eyes, “take what you want, but I beg you: loose it and let it go.
Do you love your wife so much? The thief asked.
My neighbor’s wife is coming soon.

They send a microscopic drawing (something like 240x320 points) to the printing room and say that you need to make a 3x4 meter poster from it. They answered, "It is impossible to make a poster from this drawing - more permission is needed." The answer comes, and there is a scanned document with a text of the type "I give permission. Director Ivanov I.I.

Previously, I was always surprised how my mom found the things I was looking for, but I couldn’t find.

My husband is out of the bathroom:

Where is the towel?

There it is

There is not!

It hangs there!

and Neeta

I come, take off the coat from the hook, underneath it a towel...

My daughter, 4 years:

Where is the brown little?

In your pen.

Further on the same scheme, I come, I find her in the penalty 2 brown pins.

I didn’t even notice how I acquired this superpower.

I bought my first apartment from a lonely woman. Her children were taken with her. This old lady in her old age was fascinated by flower farming, planting flowers near her house. And she had a strange thing – she was talking to her flowers. It was quiet, hardly heard, but it was hard not to notice.

In general, my grandmother went, I spent the night in the apartment, knocking at the door. The neighbor is:

Hi to

Hi to

How did you sleep in a new place?

- Excellent

- Strange, because the former owner was obsessed, the apartment would have to be sanctified.

I did not notice her obsession.

So she was constantly talking to evil spirits, did not notice.

Ordinary cute old lady.

She pretended. Definitely clean the apartment. After the obsessors must be sanctified.

and left.

After 3 years in that apartment, I realized that the obsessive was just a neighbor.

The mind helps to be happy, and stupidity helps to feel happy.

The crows were tortured, interrupted the entire site. The lawn fails, the paths fail, shorter - the gesture! Here I went to Ikea and read the inscription at the entrance: "Ikea, using the batteries, saved 1,700,000 croats." The first thought: "That's the fucking one who is divorcing them!“...

A lieutenant enters the barracks:
Who knows about electricity?
and I! One newcomer comes up.
What finished?
A red diploma.
It will come down. Make sure the lights are turned off at 22:00.

The passenger told me today.

He bought a new phone Honor. began to study. The camera has an “Augmented Reality” function. You can stick the ears of rabbits, five pigs, etc. to your photo. And you can change the background - Egyptian pyramids, big ben...

Well, he photographed himself and placed the backdrop of the sea. And his wife dropped by the watsapa. The message is sorry. I am tired. He flew to Sochi. I will come back in a week.

His wife dropped some evil smiley and that's all.

In the evening, the man returns home. There is no one at home. Started the phone call - the children of my grandmother, my wife, where, the phone off the network. It appeared only two days later. He says he had a girlfriend who doesn’t talk to him. As an excuse, I am tired too.

I tried the fools to get around. But it’s also full of fools!

When I was young, I lived in the glorious town of Konotope. In the neighboring entrance lived an old alcoholic woman, whom everyone simply called Froska. She was famous for appearing without invitation at all weddings, funerals and other events where you could raise your degree.
One summer, she came to a funeral, heated herself thoroughly, and then joined the funeral procession. At the end of the ceremony, her legs were no longer held, she lay on the cemetery grass and fell asleep.
She was awakened at night by the joint action of the desire to flatter and someone's loud voices. Froska slipped to the fence and saw a guy with a girl, in his hands holding a suitcase and a bottle of wine, which he insistently tried to cater to his girlfriend. The lazy went away.
And then, out of the cemetery fence, a clumsy hand stretched out, and a chilling, humble voice said, “Listen, guy, give me!”
A second later, the guy and the girl disappeared at maximum speed, dropping a bottle and a suitcase. Froska, having gathered all her strength, overcame the fence, devastated the bottle and felt human again. As an honest law-obedient citizen of the USSR, she took the suitcase to the militia in the morning (there, while the protocol was drawn up, the stomachs exploded). The boy was quickly found, although he stopped bingeing only after a month. Frossk became a local attraction.

The most difficult thing on anekdot.ru is to separate anecdotes from news.

Today watched a flirt-dating on the beach already quite not young people. Like in an American film of the 80s.

You know, with such teenage, ambiguous phrases.

There is a woman around 40 somewhere near me. 20 minutes later, a man approached her with his stomach pulled by force.

Hello girl, can I take a picture of you? You are the decoration of this beach. The man said, holding his stomach.

The woman looked at him with interest.

Wouldn’t you drop the horizon? A ha-ha-ha (unnatural laughter always paints the inconvenience of the situation)

I do not promise! I can... fall!

and ha ha ha.

and ha ha ha. The important thing is not to hurry. ... ha ha.

You are funny. and ha ha ha.

How did you say your name? I did not hear.

How clever you are. I did not name my name.

Let me guess. The Afrodite?

and ha ha ha. No is. and Oksana.

And I am Mika. Very pleasant. Going to swim?

And yes no. I cannot swim.

and Oksana. Let us go. I’m sure you won’t drown.

Oksana became serious at the moment.

Do I not drown? Why not drown? I am in yours. ...... Is it shit?

The woman silently stood up and left.

The man swallowed. Thirty other people who followed the dialogue were stunned.

P. S is

That’s it, the drama!