I worked in a company as an engineer, where moderate drunkenness was not denied. Well, that is, drinking a glass of beer at lunch was considered quite fine things. And next to the office was just a delicious German dining room, where when ordering a full lunch they poured a glass of beer for free, which we repeatedly used. So, my colleagues and I went for lunch, they brought us a beer, and immediately a healthy black fly fell into my glass. The waitress makes her big, frightened eyes and pronounces the phrase from which I fall under the table: “Thank God, she has drowned! Working all day, I couldn’t catch it! Now I’ll replace you with a beer and bring +1 as a thank you.”



Now I have the suspicions that the girl was well instructed to immediately issue such phrases on emergency situations, and most likely the phrase was long learned. But I still want to believe that the girl was just ingenious.

One day, a little boy returned from a "course" from his grandmother quietly. All night he behaved well, not capricious, ate all dinner, obediently went to bed.

As he lay in bed, he whispered:

“Mommy, is it true that the disobedient boys are being sent to work in a factory to wrap cakes into paper?”

Over the memory of the heroes of the war glimps those who are perfectly aware that they would give up in the first second.

My wife brought me a melody: let’s buy it! Flowers and everything. I got overwhelmed, made a few calls and on a beautiful May day with my wife and child went to arrange a surprise for them. The house was 20 minutes from the house, had a beautiful brick flange 3x3, electricity and fruit and berry plantations. All the weekend I cut grass, and my wife planted flowers – a holiday home, not potatoes. The next weekend I excavated the land, and my wife roasted the strawberries. Then I planted cucumbers, zucchini (what land to lose), and my wife was driving with me less and less... On a beautiful autumn day, sitting at the extinguishing fire, my wife told me: “You know, husband... Probably the land is not mine... Let’s sell it?” But then the wife repeatedly admired the wisdom of her husband. And for the “saved” money we went to the sea.

Good night! A vodka, please
is finished. Pepsi is going?
Let it go.
For the first time in my life, I tried Pepsi.

I go in to hope for a five (for vodka, of course). I took vodka and went to the box. In front of me is the turn: a man is paid, behind him are teenagers - a guy with a girl aged 16 to 20. A man cries out to a girl like this:

I slept with you, but that doesn’t mean I’m yours.

He responds with the same bitterness:

Change the cassette.

I understand that this is a kind of youthful joke, because they both crack, and she calls him “Morgenstern unworked.”

An unwavering treasurer breaks through their endless chips and cookies and slows down energy before the bank.

Show me your passport.

- Oh yeah, I left the right in the car, I will bring happiness, try, I will bring happiness, you will see, - it all went from the mouth of a teenager to an already young cashier. I thought it was also a modern joke, or maybe even a fashion song.

- Show the passport - these cassiers are truly untouchable.

What kind of kitchen? Everybody knows me, nobody asks me anything. This is an overturn by the teenager.

The cashier puts the energy on the side:

It is 256 rubles. Card or cash?

- The card, - crushes the teeth of the unsuccessful buyer of energy, who was disgustingly embarrassed in the eyes of the whole public, and in addition to the beloved girl.

I finally pierced my favorite vodka plus a pack of cigarettes. I go out on the door and taste good.

Let me smoke, let me smoke!

Oh, it was drawing a cool boy out of line again. Nearby is his passion (is it funny to say, do they know that word?)

At first, I just wanted to send him where the grown-up uncles should be sending the young ones. But then I remembered the cruel and unbearable face of the cashier:

Show me your passport.

You would see the face of this ungrown macho. And also the laughter of his girlfriend)))

My mother was 16 years younger than my father, that is, when he was 50, she was 34 years old. She is a young and beautiful woman who had three children at the time. His father, despite all his positive traits of character, was very jealous of her. How hard I can only guess. I remember several cases, but one was the most impressive for me.

One day, my mother took me from the kindergarten and took me home. The road to the house passed through the railway, in the place of crossing the railway was a heat car, and in the cabin the mechanic, he with a short signal attracted our attention and sent an air kiss.

I asked my mother, “What did my uncle show?” “It’s an air kiss,” she replied, “And to whom did he send it? “Of course for you,” my mother replied.

God, what was happening in my soul was a fireworks of joy, happiness, life played with new colors, all the way home I imagined myself beautiful.

Upon returning home, the first thing I ran to my dad to tell him the good news, I shared with him the emotions, happiness flung out of me. My mom and dad talked about it in the kitchen.

But I wasn’t interested, I was a princess and a beauty.

Far 98 years, the dollar in the area of 7-8 rubles. I’m 8 years old and I’m a family: Mom and Dad.

Dad bought a TV. modern, with a controller, and not at all likely, as I thought at the time, to replace the old "Record", to which you need to walk with your feet, if you want to switch the channel.

I sat a new telephone with my mom and dad in the bedroom. And that means for another day in school, which seemed to happen with constant frequency - I get a ban from my father to watch TV during the daytime while my parents are at work all day. Verbal prohibition, no passwords, parental controls, etc. was not protected. Why when parents are not home all day and don’t turn on the incredible FoxKids channel at the time where 24/7 cool cartoons went, where dad will find out that I was watching the TV?



The day 1.

I fly from school - I turn on the TV and from noon to evening, just not moving away from it, I watch Pendosov cartoons one after the other on the above-mentioned channel. I turn off for 20 minutes before the arrival of my parents I mean a telephone, and I pretend that lessons lessons and only lessons occupied my whole day. Dad comes home, enters the bedroom and calls me out of the room, where I sit over a Russian language textbook and pretend to be a student. The further dialogue:

Why did I watch TV? I have forbidden.

I – I did not watch! (Stanislavsky would take me wherever I could.)

I watched and I know it!

In short, it was evident that he did not bluff and did not take the pot. He knew I was watching the TV. I got a hike and went to bite the granite of science until I was repelled.



The day 2.

All day in school, I thought: How could he know that I was watching a TV? I probably turned it off late, and it was still warm before his arrival, I probably did not fix the bed and it was visible that I was lying on it all day, and yet I did not put the control where I took. and all! Everything will be perfect today!

I fly home from school - I remember the location of objects before my intervention - I watch cartoons all day - I turn off for 1.5 hours before the arrival of the inspector, that the telephone would have time to cool, I put everything in the places where I took, I level the bed - I sit in the classroom - comes the father.

P – Come here my friend! (heard from the bedroom)

I – what happened? O_o (going into the bedroom)

Why did you watch TV again?

I - but I did not watch! (Stanislavsky wipes a tear from his cheeks)

P. gives me the nobles of such lilies, and I go into the hall, very upset no longer by the fact that they were abused, but by the fact that he did not bite the scheme as he learns that I was watching the telephone!



The Day 3.

All five lessons in school I thought about the bottom: I miss something, I miss something very important.



I couldn't understand - how he understood that I was watching the TV!

When I got home, I sat down against the TV off and looked at it. I thought about all the actions I did while watching the calf, and I wanted to guess how I left traces!

Taking the controller in my hands, I gently pressed the switch button. And then a huge light of awareness shone upon me from the sky! The TV is on 8 channels. The TV kept the channel on which it was turned off! (to the word "record" so did not know, and always turned on from 1 channel) Immediately I was enlightened that I can still remember the volume on which the TV was turned off, so I did, remembered the value of the volume and channel on which my friend was turned on for the whole day!

I watched cartoons all day - for 1, 5 hours before the time X I put the channel on which I was, I exhibit the volume that was - I turn off the telephone - I clean up the room - I put everything in my place - I sit in the hall for lessons. Father is coming. My heart wanted to get out of my chest and go to sunset, for the third time to be caught is a nightmare, the belt and my ass meet 100%.

P is excellent! Go here...

I am? ? to ? to ? to ? to ? to (Stanislavsky nominates me for all the awards that only exist in the theatre)

Q. You watched TV.

I am -

P - *#@$%^*&$@&*#$*@&#%! #$ and (! *#%(# and%^!



In short, I was in despair... I was empty of the idea of revealing my father’s scheme as a three-liter bank... My inner Stirlitz was uncovered once again and the instinct of self-preservation whispered to my ear – there was no attempt at all, Barikx you broke everything, reconcile and watch “Record” in the hall – where there was no Fox Kids channel...



The day 4.



I have to do it, I have to bite the algorithm of his actions when he comes home! I must solve the mystery of the century and commit the perfect crime.

I the TV. The pult. There is nothing more in this world. We remained three. I know that if I press the switch button now, there will be no way back. I was sitting and looking at the controller, I was looking at every button and wanted to understand what to press here, that would be carelessly watching for the rest of my life TV in secret from my father. I noticed one button. This is the return button to the previous channel. (who did not understand: there is a button on the controls, return to the channel that you watched before that on which you are now, i.e. you watched 7 - moved to 1, if you press this button - the TV will switch to 7)

My life was divided into before and after. I realized that when my dad comes home, he turns on the TV, presses that button, and the telecast naturally throws it on my favorite Fox Kids!



I turn on the TV, remember the channel that turned on, press the return button to the previous channel, remember the channel to which the telephone switched.

All day I watch the telephone - for 1, 5 hours I turn on the channel that was before, I switch to the channel that was when turned on, I expose the volume, I turn off the telephone, I clean up in the bedroom.

I sit in the room... I wait for the keys in the door to start ringing like my lever from fear. The father comes in, greets the excellent man and goes into the bedroom. To say that adrenaline I could have sold in the market at the time - nothing to say. The fear was incredible. I sat and waited every second - that he would call me as 3 days in a row before that...

One minute of silence from the bedroom seemed to me a year, I waited and waited... 2 minutes – 3 minutes – 5 minutes – and absolutely nothing... silence... It was Victory! Winning at my 8 years on my father =)

The perfect crime. I put everything on the last attempt and she was successful!



Then I watched the telecast all the days performing this algorithm of action when turned off and caught I was no longer...



p.s Yesterday, sitting in a restaurant with my father, I told him this story, he of course laughed a long time, and at the end said: If you told me then that you bite this algorithm, I would never ban you from watching the telecast again and would not press for your “Successes” in school!



All are good.

What you can do to get a diploma. I will never forget the feeling when the scientific director closed with me in the office, bowed to me and whispered with an intimate half whisper: "now we will determine the type of drozofiles by chrams, the smallest in the desired species."

Then we looked at the flying letters. And indeed the smallest.

Oh yes, sometimes teachers sometimes give surnames. The first acquaintance with the class, the teacher calls by list, remembers. It reaches the end of the list and...

The black man!

(They are all silent)

He is not? The black man! Who is the black man?

A man stands up and answers:

I am not a black man, my name is a black man.



P.S. If you read this, hello to you.

Self-confident infallibility makes us stupider, and infallibility makes us stupider.

is more dangerous!

When I was taken to the restaurant, I was told not to pronounce the word "rat" at work, but to say "Nikolai". After all, if guests accidentally hear that rats are visiting us...
And so - "Yesterday evening in the warehouse Nikolai was seen, again the strawberries bite," - decently.
We fought, and sometimes we won. The kitchen and warehouse are closed hermetically. Poison was thrown. The sticky traps were rejected, because one day the bride grabbed like a whore who entered the kitchen at night. “The bird is sorry!” The sentimental hostess said. None of the dozens of spring mouse strikes in my memory ever worked.
And the most fairy Nicholas unobtrusively entered the restaurant, stumbling under the parade door, and stumbled through the whole hall under the bar stand. In winter, late in the evening, I went to warm up.
I didn’t see it, but I heard: a dozen ladies and the mistress were hanging in a choir!!! We picked up the knives and jumped out to protect the facility. The most striking of all was a dishwasher armed with a plastic hose. With this spell and was soon markedly covered by the naughty nicola.
One man at the end of the evening approached the hostess, thanked for the determined actions of the staff, left the phone. “If, I said, who will complain, I’m witnessing that the rat has come from the street.”
“Nicolas,” the housewife corrected.

In the New Year, all fun and fun concerts are cancelled. Will the President’s New Year’s congratulations take place?

To learn to think, you have to learn a long time. It is stupid to believe.

“The Immortals”

Last year, somewhere at the beginning of December, the Crimean Ministry of Emergencies on its website that they saved the 80-year-old tourist who was lost in the mountains from her family. I know this story not by hearing. First, the grandmother should soon be 85, and secondly, she was not a tourist, she was a mattress and an avid mushroom.

I have a favorite girlfriend, and we have a big age difference, she’s good for me as a mom. She is 81 years old and I have admired her for a quarter of a century. Grandmothers at her age are sitting at home, drinking pills and cuddling, and she will give fores and young ladies. She is smart, brilliant, scanwords like seeds, she is engaged in yoga and always open to everything new. This is an anomalous old age.

But most of all, she loves to collect mushrooms. Similarly, and she gathered a team of super-old women like her from eighty and older. Among them was a 64-year-old "young man", also a mad fungus, he is in the car to their fungal places and transports them. Dozens of kilometers in the car and on foot these superstars bump and find mushrooms even where they are not.

And last December, the “immortal team” walked onto the plateau for the rubies. They come, they go where they are looking for. In the morning it was warm and sunny, and suddenly at noon the temperature fell to minus, snow, wind and zero visibility. The Crimean mountains are like nothing, the weather variations in the winter are large, and the synoptics did not report the weather.

And one super-grandmother disappeared, did not return to the car... The phone is not available, it is getting colder, and the old lady was not very warm. They waited a little longer and called the MS. Those men experienced, began to search in places where there is no connection. But it was evening, it was dark and it was still cold. The hopes to find the grandmother alive slid, to see the end of her "immortality" came.

But the young men found her. She was completely disoriented, and thinking that she was returning to the car, she marched along the ground road towards Bachchisaraja. I understood that I was lost, there was no connection, but the iron grandmother never sat down, afraid of freezing to death, and went, and went ahead for long 7 hours, and even the backpack with rubies did not drop, know our...
The “Immortals” bowed away with money for the MHRNs, but they did not take that money, but with square eyes, but looked with respect at this “home of the elderly” who went to the mountains.

And the found super-grandmother did not even sneeze afterwards. But her relatives are no longer allowed to go into the forest, directly attached to the battery, afraid. And my friend and the rest of the "immortals" continue to travel through the forests and mountains in search of mushrooms. When I tell this story, few people believe me. But the men really believe...

When will you make me an offer?
Why, you and I are okay.
But I don’t want it to go well, I want to get married.

xxx: Well, I know a case when the owner of the office decided to throw on the money at the same time Finder and Sisadmin. Very surprised by the result.

What a cruel suicide!

In the third class came a new one.

And proudly stated that we will not be able to come up with a name for him.

It is mad, ah.

It was hard to think all day.

Then the Russichka, looking at the magazine, read: “Mazutny!”

Everyone was stuck. Great Valentine Mikhailovna!

The main place in the temple has long been not the altar, but the place where candles are sold.

I bought a new apartment. The construction section. We are doing repairs, we are trying to do it. They called the brigade to put the bathroom "under the key". The husband tries to take the weekend at the expense of holidays, he installs the wiring in the rooms with his brother. By the way, the brother engineer and the internet spend in the houses. After work, I brought them to eat. We have a full, passing courtyard there. Doors are installed, laminate, someone drills on the loggia. My in the kitchen with sockets rise, two (rental) in the bathroom. Look, my sister, we’re finished today. I go out of the apartment, on the pitch catches one who makes the bathroom. Girl, you’re sorry, but I’ll tell you. Here are the guys who set the doors, good guys! Hands are gold! Those that laminate, also work well. But these electrics (push them to all the hell!!) They... are handicapped!! to