We are the owners of a black-black cat, which suddenly began to eat, like not in itself. My wife writes to me at work.
Wife: Mu-ha-ha, the mystery of the disappearance of cat food has been uncovered!
Wife: Throw, I went to hang my clothes in the garden, I go back to the house, Claks is coming to meet me, he barely knocks me off.
Wife: I go to the kindergarten, and she is quiet.
Wife: I thought it was time for Vladimirovskaya. I go out of the house for some reason again, and the same black cat sits on the fence and smokes on me!
I’ve never seen a black cat like that.)

If at night he became sad, he went out to the shore of sorrow and melodically cast on the pine.

The beasts sleep, and only the eagle.
The hell continues.

ios: The update has jumped, it’s mega-hard and it’s all work. to establish?
USR: I do not want.
Can I install it at night?
USR is no.
Do you want to install an update right now?
USR is no. No need at night either.
ios: What about the update?
USR: You will not be left behind from the living. Now put it.
Fuck to you. Your battery is discharged.

XX: Decided with a friend to name the firstborns in honor of each other. How can you convince her that Mary is a male name?
Erich Maria Remark, please use it :)

Tired of her, she gave birth, Edak gave birth. The most sad sadness: a man goes on the street - the girls around are beautiful (90 percent, a girl MUST be beautiful), a woman goes on the street looking to throw nowhere (a man is enough to be slightly more beautiful than monkeys).

xxx: I watched a program about nature yesterday, they talked about sea cucumbers. So these creatures do not have a brain, but this does not prevent them from living, eating and even defending against fish.
xxx: And then I realized that most people around are sea cucumbers.

"The Ministry of Health advised Russians not to lie on flour".

Sugar, salt, meat, butter - products are harmful.
Therefore, the party does not give its people. She eats herself. c) The downsides

Without laughter to read the description of this kit on AliExpress is impossible.
Chinese companies have been selling these products for a week.

"Pupconavta set to look for buds in cats, cats. You can’t chew a gloves if the beast is evil. You can’t look for rises, lions and tigers! The best choice, the low price!"

The set includes a lump, bilateral chest (small and large tooth) and gloves not procured by cats. The instructions also printed a lot of QR-codes of sites and forums, where you can immediately send a photo from the smartphone in case of a successful search.

xxx: the healing properties of hernia - if you put it on everything, it becomes much easier

From a letter to a colleague:
Are you a cat?
I am a dog.

I went to the shopping center today. A woman in a shirt with the inscription “I’m a fool.” I thought it was strange, even looking around. On the back is the inscription “You too...”))

A funny story happened to a friend of mine.

Near his home was a pharmacy, where he constantly had to go on instructions from his mother. Since his memory is like a goldfish, but for 5 minutes, he was constantly given a paper with a list of necessary purchases. I don’t know, for the sake of a sting or according to what evil plan, when he came to this pharmacy, he quietly gave the paper to the pharmacist and looked closely at it. The pharmacist probably by inexperience took him for silent, which my friend used. This circus lasted for one and a half years.

And one day, by the will of fate, the guy remains at home alone with his newly born girlfriend, with whom they actually have a very close relationship. But at the most picky moment it turned out that there was no rubber. While the girl is hot and wants a sequel, our hero is not a bag, quickly clothes and runs to the pharmacy to his "known" pharmacist. Is it necessary to say that there was no time for writing all kinds of papers, and he just burned out:

Give me a pack of condoms.

If anyone has heard the expression "eye for five rubles", then this was the case! and :)

I had a classmate, not the tallest and the thickest in the class. All the years I’ve known her, she’s always said she’s losing weight. The classmate decided to help her with motivation and proposed a dispute: 3 months remained before graduation and, if she does not lose weight by this time to 60kg, then he himself will break her skin right at graduation. She agreed, all witnessed, shrugged hands. The next day she came, laughed, said, told her father about this dispute, and he said:

My daughter will not only be fat, but also thin.

I went to the cafe with my husband to eat. made an order. Since I can’t eat without bread, I ordered a few slices. When I received the order, I didn’t notice there was no bread. Then I call the waitress:

Sorry, you didn’t bring me bread.

Grisha has already gone to the store.

Meeting a smart woman only two days is interesting, and then pulls to fools.

Dreams

There lived in Israel an ordinary, hairy, domestic boy Nathan and he had a dream - to wait for his adulthood and to make a parachute jump.
I even spent money on weekly courses.
And then came that long-awaited first adult day. The joyful Nathan arrived at the nearest air club, but the instructor carefully examined the potential student, congratulated him on his birthday and said - as he cut off:

Sorry, but we won’t take you. Weak muscles of the legs and with poor reaction. No is. The matter is not a joke, if anything, then in the best case, the whole will break, and answer us. Sorry but not.

But Nathan did not despair, turned around and went to another parachute club, but only in the second and third, as in evil, the same thing repeated, word in word.
A week later, when the guy had traveled around all the air clubs he knew, he surrendered. Almost gave up. Realizing that the independent jump does not shine for him, he decided to jump at least in tandem with the instructor, but also awaited a "brake". Nathan again began to beat the thresholds of the airclubs, but everywhere he was put on the weights, sadly turned his head, handed out his hands and said, "103 - it's a little lot. For tandem, the maximum weight is 90. “Sorry, but not again.”
The dream slowly but surely broke apart.
When Nathan left the last air club, he was suddenly caught by an instructor on the street and said:

Don’t worry, life doesn’t end here. By the way, you were near Haifa, everywhere? There are many parachute spaces.
- Of course there was, everywhere the same: either the reaction is slowed down, or the weight for the tandem is large. You think one hundred and three, my acquaintance weighs one hundred and twenty and she jumped with the instructor. What is the reaction? I’m driving, the reaction is enough. Okay and goodbye.
Do you know, you were in Beer-Sheva?
Of course was.
- Oh, and you were there... Well, okay, was – was not, since this is the case, I will help you, only promise that this conversation will remain between us. Here’s the address of one club, there you’ll pass the five-day courses quietly, and you’ll jump well alone. The club, indeed, is very small and very far in the north, but most likely your mother doesn’t know about it.

The United States has a president but no prime minister.
Britain has a prime minister, but no president.
Why do we have two?

A man with a gun can rob a bank, a bank with interest on loans can rob the whole country.

Watch whose handhelds are you connecting your iPhones to!
xxxh: I was thinking here - all, I drank when my magnetol in the car said to me ale))))

Q: How did you learn to play guitar? The selfie?
tn is youtuber.