From the New Year's mood, I now only have an eye dragging into the rhythm of the giraffes.

A few years ago I got on the operating table - I was undergoing surgery on my leg. It was on March 3, just before International Women’s Day. On the leg had to do several incisions, the extreme of which in the pelvis along the line of bending of the leg.

So, I am under anesthesia on the table, I am cut all over. But 20 minutes before the operation ends, the anesthesia begins to release, and I wake up. I opened my eyes without burning - in front of me a tissue screen, because of which nothing is visible. Well, I was upset and decided to pretend to sleep further, so as not to upset the surgeon (I was done anesthesia in the spine, from which I did not feel the legs and everything below the belt, so it was virtually not painful). Shortly, it comes to the extreme cuts, just near my farm.

It, clear foam, interferes, and the surgeon constantly pushes it aside. Obviously from all these manipulations I had such a normal stand!

I understood this not only by the laughter of everyone in the operating room, but also because the two young nurses sitting next to the head jumped sharply at all of this.

In short, I am lying down with myself standing on the operating table and pretending to be the most sleepy person on earth – a shameful cape! And here the surgeon, referring to the anesthesiologist, issues a mega-epic phrase (I will remember, soon March 8): "Petrovich, I will come to you on March 8, you will do me the same anesthesia - I will please my wife!“...

I have never demonstrated such a willpower!

When people shoot me to smoke, I always open a cigar.

And there I have self-wrapping from the machete and the newspaper. No one has eaten yet. Even the bombs.

You say we are living badly.

I’m in the subway car this morning. The guy who runs after me does not have time and crashes into the closed doors in front of him. He smiles, sends me an air kiss, the mood of a person is apparently playful. I smile to him and respond.

At the next door I see a roaring colleague, sometimes we cross the road to work, he lives 2 stops away from me. We rise together, we rise together. A man’s voice from behind the back: “Girl, do you know everyone in the subway?” I turn my head, ba, the former coach of my son, at 7 years of his training, does not remember me, of course. 12 years passed. “Hello, not everyone, but I know you are a coach in the children’s football section.”

I’ll say hello to everyone when I get into the car tomorrow. In any case.

Xxx: I will remind you that one of the tasks of the Ministry of Finance is to complain about the lack of money, cry and not give



Yyy: Suspiciously reminds me of my ex

The best guarantee of the condemnation of power is its interchangeability.

Working in multitasking!
Oh my God, how beautiful it was called.

A familiar woman-dietist told a funny story from the 90s about one of her patients. I will call her Marina and his Sergei.



Sergey in the past was an athlete, then engaged in business, succeeded in it. But relaxed without the daily stresses that were in the sport. Again, the "shale" money appeared, delicacies, alcohol and so on. As a result, the guy gained under 150 kg, hardly got into his jeep. I asked for advice from a friend of Marina. He sent her a fairy fee if she left all the former clients and took care only of them.



Marina took care of the matter. I developed a special diet for Sergey strictly on hours and with certain products, bioadditives, a complex of exercises, acupuncture, massages, meditation and something else there (I am not special in these matters, so I did not get into the details). They met once a week, convened daily for correction and control.



Sergey was a disciplined client and strictly followed all her instructions. The results did not slow to affect after a short time - he really began to throw out the excess, which inspired both to continue the classes with even greater zeal.



A year later, Sergei dropped about 80 kg, was absolutely happy. He built, broke down, paid more to Marina than he promised. It was the last meeting, when he said on the phone that he could not come to her - he had an urgent business trip for a couple of weeks. Sergey promised to come immediately upon arrival from this trip.



He called Marina, told her he had arrived and was ready to meet her.



A bell to the door - Marina opened and (further her words quote):



“I almost fainted – Sergey stood on the threshold with a huge bouquet of flowers, smiling to the whole mouth, but...He was even thicker than before we started our classes! Not less than 200 kg at first glance!!! I am in shock!!! to

How is it!! How did he get back in 2 weeks what he wasted in a year of hard work!!!! to

I could not say a word. In my head there were thoughts about my complete incompetence, about some kind of Sergey’s illness, about the need to change the profession.



What happened to you? I asked when I could talk.

Nothing, everything is fine! Here is my brother brought to you, he also wants to lose weight, seeing my results!

With these words from the back of the first "Sergei" came out the second - a complete copy of the first, only already slim and ardent, with the same smile on the face.

“Sorry, Marina, you decided to play a little bit with my brother. This is my twin brother, we are constantly confused.



I almost killed them both later.“..

To overcome others, you must overcome yourself.

The accountant died. The Apostle Peter looked into the book of his life, scratched the nymph and said:
You have equal sins and righteous deeds. So I’ll give you a choice: Heaven or Hell.
I went on an excursion. They go to hell, and there a bunch of clerks are hanging, swirling, documents are carried, printers chew paper, compops are hanged, servacles are dull, coffee is liters, cigarette smoke is hanging, the chiefs are hanging, phones are ringing - the month is closed.
The accountant rejected:
I have had enough of that in my life! I want to see heaven.
They come to heaven, they open the door and... The same picture – clerks, runners, documents, compasses, calls, screams.
Accountants are confused:
Right now the same!
No, they have a balance!

Xxx: How is it right, Ukrainian soldier on Ukrainian soil, or in Ukrainian soil?

It doesn’t matter what a woman wants. Only not from you.

My daughter, who is 11 years old, lost a phone – a good one, not a cheap one. We go and look, of course, I argue all the way. We cross the road. Suddenly a scream. A little boy runs on a selfie. His mother cried out, who could not catch him. Just a large SUV was flying, the driver simply did not see the child. Somewhat miraculously turning, I catch the boy along with the scooter and pull out of under the wheels. Thanks to the shocked driver and the frightened mother. Back home, the daughter says, "Mom, it's probably good that I lost my phone, if we didn't go there, the boy would have died."
P.S A man found the phone and gave it to us that same evening.

Bad character can only afford very demanding people.

As a child, my parents forbade me to read while lying down. I allow my children to read even standing on their heads, but they don’t read anyway.

I have a nephew, from the side of my wife, 30 years old, lives in Moscow. Coming somewhere in the summer with his girlfriend to my grandmother, my aunt, then beat. And the girl with him is a convinced vegetarian, well, the tribe also became a vegetarian on this occasion.

My mother-in-law is baskirka, and almost all baskirsk dishes are fat and are prepared from meat. Covers on the table, neither grandson nor kәlәsh (bride) eat virtually anything, even the firm grandmother's bowl with pumpkin, meat and potatoes, not to mention mantles. The grandson explains to the grandmother:

Do you know we don’t eat meat?

Why is?

We are vegetarians and have decided to give up meat.

I have loved meat all my life.

I don’t eat it, it’s my decision.

Because of her?

Not my grandmother, I decided.

The girl stared angrily at her:

Animal protein can be replaced with vegetable protein.

How?

For example, mushrooms are like meat.

10 seconds think and give:

If the mushrooms were like meat, the wolf would eat them.

xxx: soon the neuron will animate and sound. He already knows how to write stories.



YYY: I’m waiting for a time when you can write a script, choose actors, and the neural network will make a movie with them.



XXX: I don’t think it’s too long.

And again, if you work, for example, in the office, the neuron will go for you to work, call, buy-sell, sign, draw a plan and schedule, draft what you need to insert and leave the money to the owner. And you can at this time calmly under the bridge near the fire to warm up with former colleagues.

XXX: I watched the trailer of the movie "Avanpost". There, according to the scenario, 99.5% of the Earth's population died, and by some ridiculous coincidence of circumstances, only the most idle Russian actors survived.

To unleash a war and win, is able, sometimes, endless degeneration. The great man will do everything to avoid bloodshed.

When my mother-in-law cut off in the ambulance and the helmet didn’t act, I stopped and asked:
Where is the money? If you die, we will not find it.
She immediately opened her eyes and said:
“Shirt to you, not money, I will only tell the daughter.

Nearly had to pump the doctor and the driver: they barely laughed.