At the beginning there was zero. I went with a friend to a night club on Friday after work. We drink and we relieve stress. Mood is great. People are not much. We drink and talk. And here we meet a guy and a girl from the neighboring table. The cute guys. Ask permission to move with us. We communicate very well for the next couple of hours. Here, the guards polently begin to hint that it is time to go out. And the girl says, "and we live in the neighboring house, go to us, let's go on!"

Because in all of us we are already more than 0.5. And indeed, across the road from the club their house, we get up (about 4 am), we enter. And here, they say, “Go into the kitchen, but please be quiet, we are out in that room, the child is sleeping!” We are like that, yeah okay, once we come, we go. We sit and communicate, and the girl runs all the time and when she returns, she says - it's okay - she sleeps.

I ask where can I smoke? Go to the balcony. And the balconies in that house, you know, go along the whole apartment.

I stand on the balcony, enjoy the summer Saturday morning and suddenly realize that the neighboring windows are the same room where the "child" sleeps. At dawn, I look out the window.

And there is a completely empty room, in the middle is an empty bed, on which lies an empty mattress!

Tumblr is switching to danger mode. I am sober, I go to the kitchen, take Bora under my hands and quickly leave the room with a preliminary inspection of the stairs.



It seemed, but what was it?

In 2008, after the army, I worked in one of the retail chains for the sale of household appliances, I received a good ZP. And here we have a boy, Pasha, under the protection of the leadership. Everyone seemed to be away from him, but I quickly found a common language with him (per because of the same age). This is preface.

It was after the salary, on the street is summer, no clouds in the sky, we decided Pacha and I to walk after work, drink a beer, meet some girls. Near the job I drank a bottle, then on the road, then jumped into the cafe I ordered a shaurma because I was hungry after work. We then headed to Lenin Square, a little wandering around it, and met two ladies. I remember one beautiful woman who was a writer. Landed on the bench, beer by the river, girls one by one disappear somewhere, we walk. And then my stomach tells me that the shaurma was not very good quality, turns and asks out. A pasha here offers "Driven to me, the apartment is free", the girls supported, I feel I won't get to Pachino's house, which is at the other end of the city. I say let’s go without me, Pacha insists, and my bottom is breaking out already, only I think how to get home faster, lived in two quarters. I promptly agreed that I would go home and go home to Pashka. I run to the parking lot, catch the first taxi and drive 2 quarters to the house. As I got to a white friend I don’t remember what I remember is that at midnight I couldn’t get away from him and for 15 minutes, Pashka called me until 2 o’clock and then disappeared from communication. I did not give importance.

In the morning not sleeping meal to work, I call Pacha he is not accessible, which is strange. It is not at work, neither before nor after the opening of the store. Close to lunch I agreed with the director to take a taxi home to check what happened to him. Then he goes into the store himself. I’ll ask him how and where he disappeared. He told me. We came with these ladies to him home, on the road jumping into the nightmare, purchased champagne, candy, etc. and so on. After I drank a couple of glasses of shampoo and all, he says, I don’t remember anything. In the morning I woke up on the floor in the hall, the entrance door was covered, there was no money, no phone, they took out the TV, DVD, gold, in general, it was good. Paška to the neighbor to call the menta, those who came accepted the application, checked the fingers (no fingerprints), cracked and left. And here Pacha asks me, "You remember them on the face, can you describe them? "And I only remember that one was beautiful, and all, well, and something else wanted to fuck. And it turns out that he and I do not even remember the general description of these virgins.

So I stayed with my wallet and the bag without it.

It was in 2000.

I got divorced in a taxi, but the situation was even more fun. The car is Niva, three-door which. At first, the acquaintance sat forward, then suddenly appeared a "conductor", to whom it was earlier to go out and the acquaintance was moved back. There is no door, there is no door.

They went. In front of the driver and the "conductor" - two healthy foreheads, and a familiar behind. The night. The city is dark, the lights do not burn. They turned into some courtyard, then on the other side. The acquaintance begins to wonder, telling them where they are? On which he is absolutely calm (from which the frost on the skin) they say that now will take him away in the garage, remove everything valuable, disguise and probably cut. Not to leave a witness. And they go on, discussing with each other where it is better to lead him - in that race or further.

A familiar in shock, where to run, there is no door on the side, he himself is far from a superman. Here they go out on the road, drive, "passenger" says to the driver - "Oh, let's turn, here is better." Nivea at speed begins to turn sharply and the acquaintance visits a successful idea - he pulls the towel from all the way (nearby). He carries, becomes on two wheels, then twists a couple of times, then into a cuvet, there in a pillar, a forehead, two foreheads in a knock-out. The acquaintance managed to break up and remained conscious. He went out through the broken front glass and ran away quickly.

Xxx: I don't know, somehow I just got everything done with the sighs: I worked in the garden with the bats, and he suddenly asks me if I smoked. well, I didn't lie, I just said yes, he replied that I don't need it, I better not smoke, well, I thought, really, it didn't smoke me anymore.

Yyy: One evening I went out for bread, bought bread and went home.

Zzz: Oh, who will believe it, another cat lamp!

In the early days, my German boyfriend and I went to Moscow for his birthday. We looked at the city, took pictures on the Red Square and decided to go to a restaurant and have dinner. Although the restaurant and recommended me in advance, the table we did not book. They came spontaneously. The restaurant was full, but after a short wait we found a cozy table for two at the window. On the occasion of the holiday, we decided to order a bottle of wine in addition to food. The waitress asked me to show my papers. I showed my driver’s license and my young man showed his German passport. The waitress, seeing my boyfriend’s birthday today, in English (!!!) I greeted him and asked him!!!It is possible to give him a piece of cake as a gift at the expense of the institution. Of course, we did not refuse. But, frankly, they were skeptical about this proposal - they will definitely forget or still write in the account. We somehow didn’t believe in a crazy cake, but we relaxed and just our dinner.

When we ate and looked at how we got to the hotel, we forgot about the cake. The people in the restaurant were just added, the waiters were dressed over and over, and I just can’t imagine how they had time and remembered everything. And here, quite unexpectedly for us, our waiter went to our table with a plate on which a large piece of cake with a festive candle was painted. We were surprised. Especially my young man. I haven’t seen anything like this in any restaurant in Europe. The waiter once again polently congratulated him on his birthday and even said a few wishes. Everything is in English and very friendly. The cake was beautiful and incredibly delicious. It’s been almost a year, but we still remember that stunning cherry cake and a very nice waitress.

On the next trip to Moscow we will definitely go to that restaurant (hopefully it will not close because of the coronavirus) and buy this cake. By the way, thanks to a polite waitress, my young man is convinced that Russia has the best service in the world. Of course, he tells his friends about it if possible and recommends that restaurant in Moscow. I am pleased to have such a good impression of my homeland.

When you’re in the ass, it doesn’t matter if you’re in quarantine or not.

Employees of a cafe in the New Zealand city of Wellington did not allow the institution of the country's prime minister Jacinda Ardern and her fiancé Clark Gayford, because in connection with the new rules, introduced against the background of the coronavirus, it was already overcrowded, reports the newspaper New Zealand Herald.
Nothing is holy, nothing is holy.

Thanks to the self-isolation mode, I finally had time to do repairs in the bathroom, disassemble the mud in the wardrobe and read Dostoevsky. I haven’t done anything yet, but the time has come.

I visited a friend in another city. And here, one late evening, when I was sitting in the kitchen for a compost, he comes in so worried and begins to search the kitchen. I ask, what are you looking for? “I can’t find the mirror. I put it in a pack with the charging and the lens and there is no package.”

We searched together. without a result.

You know, I probably dropped this package with garbage yesterday! The garbage was dumped and seized. Let’s go to wash. We look there!

We dress up and go. The boxes near the house are full. I looked up, but where was it... It became clear that if there was a package somewhere, inside these tanks. What to do?

I have an idea! Let’s find a bombardment, pay him money and let him in this tank and find that damn package!

We call a taxi. The night. The taxi driver: “Where are we going?”

We need to find a bomb. Here we picked up the cloth, laying on the seat. Go to market. I know, there was one place for them.

We come to the market, empty, closed. We walked around, fig there. The Taxi:

It’s too late, they’re probably already sleeping.

Where can they be?

It can still be at the station.

Go to the station. Empty too. We travelled around the city for training and returned.

Well, you’ll have to see, you’ll have to go there yourself. Is it worth it?

Yes it stands. Wait here, I am now.

Comes dressed up. The clothes are clean, just old.

And he starts taking out the bag and transferring it to the neighbor.

Are you sure this is the bag?

Yes, of course! I dropped to the left.

He cries, I light up the phone. At the bottom he finds his suitcase of garbage.

Here is my package! Uff!

And the camera?

The time...

Draw the tank to the end. There is no second camera. We go home.



We go to the village on the weekend. There his friends, relatives... A friend comes, brings a bag with a camera.

You came to the shelters a week ago. I forgot the package.

A conversation between two men, 50 years old. Listened in line, with observance of mass mode and distance.



- You, fucking, these fools from GAI for nothing took the son's rights.

And what happened?

At the parking lot near the store, he grabbed the mirror of the neighboring car and left. Imagine for some mirror and deprived of rights.

So he was not deprived of the mirror, but for leaving the place of the accident. He would call the commissioners, pay a thousand for the registration and leave quietly.

He couldn’t stay, he was a little drunk.

This happened when I was 15 weeks pregnant. One night I woke up from the fact that the baby first started pushing. I was very happy and wanted to share this with my husband. But he, unfortunately, was asleep, and it was a pity to wake a working man. I didn’t think of anything better than taking his hand and putting it on my stomach in the hope that he would feel the movement through his sleep. And here, I take his hand, I try to squeeze into my pyjamas, and suddenly... the husband (sleeping) sharply tears out his hand, pushes me off, swings off his hands, wraps in the blanket, turns away from me and sleeps on. I am very upset and confused trying to fall asleep too. And I am offended, on the one hand, and on the other - what demand from a sleeping person.

My husband wakes up in the morning and tells me. You know, I said, I had such a wild dream. I stand in a line, and suddenly the man standing in front of me turns, takes my hand and swims in his pants.

Do not sneeze in the sleeve. They smell!

Compliance and psychological installation

Before my Iljuha was going to enter the institute, we had an agreement with him: you go to the budget - we rent you an apartment; you get paid - all the money goes to study, you live in a household. Well, to promote, told a couple with a beloved wife, how it is disgusting in communities, inflicted a sense of horror. Even the sister, who lived in the Lviv community for 5 years, added.

In that university, at which Iljuha decided to stop, he did not pass on the budget, so we, as we talked about, took him to the dormitory, met with the commander, and went back. Companion and Companion. As all...

Half a year later, the commander tells me that my boy and his neighbor are about to be expelled. Because they do, shit what.

My shit is doing what? I was surprised and began to understand.

I found out. They placed a child in a room with a crazy four-year-old. Crazy in the literal sense. The walls, cabinets, ceiling and all the free surfaces he painted with absolutely delirious pictures in dark tones.

Periodically, this comrade uses all kinds of unknown substances, as a result of which he suddenly begins to roar and run around the room, then moves the cabinets, then speaks music in the middle of the night at full volume, then at 4 am he gets enough hammer and begins to sneeze in the wall.

My Ilucha living space - a bed and a table with a laptop, on everything else - an extremely creative mess of "colleagues". A comrade lives in a room with a girl, periodically giving up to love comforts and brightly giving up to student fun. They live in full.

Neighbors wrote statements and jabees a hundred times.

And since Iljuha is silent and does not complain about anything, then, in the opinion of the commander, either he himself is involved in this, or he is all-suited.

When I learned all the details of such an existence, I raised the gray hair everywhere and asked the child a reasonable question.

Why did you keep silent all this time?! to

I got a reasonable answer.

– Well, you said it would be fucking...I thought, here’s it!

Moscow has acquired Russia’s largest masks manufacturer.
This means only one thing: the mass regime will be extended in Moscow for at least a year!!! to

There are already first cases of the disease among members of the government.
People, having shut their breath, await the first fatal outcomes.

Byl (actually in case of self-isolation)

We lost our radio. When he lost, he left himself. He gathered all the video cassettes on the steamboat into a large plastic box and went to exchange films for the neighboring forest car. There, a radio agent found his friend - a one-handed man in Makarovka. They celebrated their meeting with drunkenness, and in the early morning the forest truck finished loading and went out into the sea, bringing our radio operator and a box with cassettes. Overall: on one steamboat there were two radiists - and on the other no one.

Fortunately, the twenty-first century has already come and the lost radiist carried a ritual function on the steamboat, fulfilling the requirements of international conventions. Today, a radiant on a ship is a profession that has almost gone into history, such as a goldsmith with a deputy or a forerunner with a lighthouse. Indeed, why carry and feed a specialist with a salary, a stock of products and a personal seat in the rescue boat, if every sailor has a mobile phone and a pair of satellite phones on the bridge. Plus the internet.

Once upon a time, we had the first captain’s assistant with a massive “Ukraine” cinematic apparatus, film drums and a ship library. Zampolit disappeared along with the Soviet Union, “Ukraine” and books. The library was equipped with a gym, and the cinema apparatus was replaced with a video magnetophone. The ship's doctor was cut down a little later, after the next financial crisis, and on the deck was drawn a circle with the letter "N" in the middle and, in emergencies, advised to call a helicopter.

The captain did not report the loss of a crew member in sailing (we did not have a radio). Therefore, the next two months we caught the insidious forestry across all of Europe’s ports to return the “lost lamb” and restore the “status quo”.

Suddenly it was discovered that there was only one cassette left on the steamboat, which the radiist forgot in the video magnetophone. It was the movie “Kin-za-za!”, which countless times reviewed the entire crew and, of course, disassembled in quotes. Everyone on the ship, unnoticed by themselves, spoke a mixture of "Chatlan-Patsak language" with marine Russian spoken. The phrase: "Chattlanin told the Ecyloope to send the puppy to the gravitaceous tank to spin" could, depending on the context, mean: "the master ordered the Bothman to send a sailor to check the performance of the brachpile" or "the starmeh instructed the watch mechanic to assign a motorist to clean the filter of the nasal ballast pump." 

Finally, two months later, an untouchable forest truck, a drunk radio driver and a box of cassettes were caught in the port of Malmö. The master, as a knowledgeable of marine traditions, expressed "to this lamb" many familiar and unfamiliar, for the radiest of words and expressions, reinforcing his monologue with active gestures. And the next day the trembling radiist understood: "something is wrong!" that is, he clearly captured with his trained ear individual sounds, and sometimes even entire words of his native language, but the meaning of what was said constantly escaped from his understanding. For example: on the offer of a botzman to borrow that "chat" the radiist did not know what to borrow. The announcement of the watchdog assailant on the general court broadcast: "Attention, on board the yellow pants, all twice ku!" brought the poor radio player into sacred horror. And when the cock in the smoking room asked for "kz", the frightened radioist for some reason decided that he would now become a victim of the "energy vampire".

Recalling the phrase from the children's cartoon that "they go crazy alone, it's just the flu they all get sick together" the radiist concluded logically: "everything! “I drove a cockpit, and I couldn’t get all the crew mad at the same time.” The team also began to notice that the returned colleague behaves somehow inadequately, does not always understand simple questions, asks obvious things and gets confused in words. And when he went to surrender to the master, acknowledging his disturbance, it turned out that the crew and the radiist's opinions about the mental state of the latter were entirely the same. There was only one thing needed - to clarify the diagnosis.

They gathered a consilium of the ship from the captain, the commander and the radio operator. For a long time, we decided exactly where the roof went. There were two possible options, however, as is appropriate with every decent consilium. The master, referring to his own experience, assumed a slight temporary dementia against the background of unwavering drunkenness and said that nothing terrible, and with this people live, and walk in the sea, and even become captains. Starpom, who was proud that he was the only person on board who not only watched but also read “Master and Margarita,” assured: “It’s schizophrenia, as it was said.” The radiologist frightenedly agreed to both diagnoses. He then demanded that the helicopter be immediately called and delivered to the shore for a full medical examination. The master replied, “You won’t have a Cinderella, we are now in anti-temptation. In two days we will go to the cat for the rainbow. There we will give you to the local ethylopes, and while you isolate yourself in the ethic, you are suddenly contagious." “Or ‘you’ll get worried’ – supported the captain with a start. At the end of the consilium, the radio operator was locked in the cabin and reclaimed all his alcoholic beverages.

Without alcohol, the isolated became very sad. He decided to see a movie and found only one film he had not seen yet.
After an hour and a half, the radio operator called the starp and, squeezing from excitement, said: "I can be quarantined, I am now learning the Chattlan-Patsak language." “The worsening has begun and the patient is getting anxious,” the starter understood. Having taken with him a botzman, a wire wheel and a straw, Starpom decided to strengthen measures of self-isolation until the complete fixation of the patient.

After opening the cabin, they saw that the radio operator put a video magnetophone in a pause and feverishly rewrites the "chattlano-patsak language dictionary" from the TV screen to himself in a notebook. Starpom looked at the screen and shockedly asked, "How have you managed in so many years so never to see this movie?“!”

The inhabitants of Saratov ask the Navka to give them the clock of Peskov.
From the sale of the clocks the city will be able to reach until autumn.

In the distant 2003 year, at a lesson of land studies, we were asked to write a short story about how our city will look like in the 21st century. Almost all classmates in paintings described a prosperous city of the future. I, being impressed by the newly released third Terminator, wrote a story in a post-apocalyptic spirit, where poverty and destruction reigned in the city.

In the end, I was called to a school psychologist and told that I shouldn’t think so.

Oh, I remember 15 years ago I came somehow to the glorious city of Kharkiv from afar, for the Olympiad. Winter, no acquaintances, the phone is sitting, the button, the batteries then still easily offset. I need to charge my phone, how? Ask for a rooster? Shameful, long and dangerous. Therefore, I decide to buy finger batteries, an isolant, a piece of wire, you can all up to a voltage of 4.5v and attach it directly to the phone’s battery. And since in the courtyard is winter, cold, where is it best to do it? is right! In the metro! It is not cold there! And since there is no subway in my hometown, this idea doesn’t seem stupid to me. The HD. So imagine a teenager sitting on a subway station in a mobile phone, wire, wrapping all this with an isolant (blue, of course). Oh Oh! Generally speaking, it’s almost over, as comrades in the pursuit approach and ask, what are you doing here? I answered honestly. They say, go with us. And so quietly...I imagine what would be now... As a result, they looked over, hinted that from the side it looks mildly strange, punished so not to do it anymore and released, even without hand.

A few years ago, several families went to a holiday home outside the city for a weekend. There was a husband, wife and two children among us. The room cost 3,600, the price included breakfast for two, for an additional 300 rubles you can order another breakfast. So this guy with the mouth foam on the reception proved that once breakfast 300, then for the room you can pay 3000, refusing two included breakfasts))) Did not run, paid 3600.But all the weekend oral on the children and wife for the damaged mood!

P.S. In the room there was a bed and two non-slip chairs. Additionally, it was possible to rent 2 children's rackets for 300 rubles each. And what do you think? The kids slept on their chairs!

And yes, for the rental of a mangal site with sea views, he promised to transfer his part to the map. I think you understood.)