bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 18 - ] Comment quote №153891
 06.03.2020
Please mention the Constitution in the Bible.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №153890
 06.03.2020
Gastronomy in Georgian

“He pulled my tongue. I would go and go. I would have been silent and my life would have gone differently.” – Lenka sent me a sms at 9 a.m. The level of drama jumped even through the phone and I suddenly woke up.

Lena is my childhood friend. She did not live in Tbilisi for a long time, we went to the garden together. Then they moved, but once every five years she broke out to a small, hotly beloved homeland and we had time to discuss five-year events in a few days.

In this five-year-old, Lena brought her second husband to the Black Sea, and we planned to break up after her marine mess. This is a SMS. I crushed Lena, a girlfriend had to be saved.

Below is the short story of Lenny. Shortly but literally.

“On Monday, in the first evening, we returned with Lesha from the beach. There was great weather, and in the courtyard of our gesture house, which you advised me, the owners of Nukri and Nino were roasting strawberries with friends. As I passed by the mangal, I caught it and said, “What an appetizing smell!” It was the failure of Stirling. An hour later, Nikush, the son of the masters, knocked into our room and silently stretched a deep plate of shale. It was uncomfortable, but we took it and ate it all for dinner. No, they didn’t eat – they ate, because wild is delicious. With your red half dry.
The next day, I bought the chocolate, put it on a plate and returned it.

On Wednesday evening they knocked on the door and there was Nikush with a hot hatchapuri dish. “Mom asked to tell me that the chocolate was very delicious,” the child said to a Georgian Russian and left. That hatchapuri deprived us of the gift of speech, it was ambrosia. The plate had to be returned. I was not allowed to buy a second chocolate in the years of my childhood spent in Tbilisi, and Nino was not repeated in dishes.

On Thursday morning we planned a steam ride, but I cancelled everything and stopped. Lisha said, “Forces of heaven, did I wait for the blines,” but Lisha had nothing to do with it. Cooked for two and a half hours. I haven’t tried that since my first wedding. By 2 p.m. I was standing at the door of the feeders with a mountain of thin up-and-coming blinkers. Nuh accepted the gift and worshipped him galantly. Well, I think it is not ashamed. People have hospitality, and we have chocolate, shame.

On the fifth day, when they knocked on the door in the evening, I was somewhat stressed. Behind the door was Nikusha, smiling extending a serving dish of 32 x 32 x 4 cm, the color ivory manufacturer Italy, up to the top filled with pink peaches, cracking sugar inks, glowing juicy apples, nuts and sparkling black grapes. The smell of the dish was such that I eventually took a bite. We did not go to dinner in the evening, but went to bed and looked at Minino and under the Bubu, Frunzik and white dried smoothed all the fruits.

On Saturday, instead of a dolphinarium, I, filled up with yesterday’s vitamins, started making chicken. I remembered the homework lessons at school and started. Lecha said she didn’t know much about me. The chicken was ready closer to lunch and lay exactly on the whole dish. We carried him both. The owner was not at home and we handed it over to their old grandmother. Grandma raised her eyebrows. Lisha then offered me to go to the bar, but I was so tired that I stayed in the room to drink wine and google phali recipes.

On the seventh day we returned from the beach, and Nikushah was at the gate. When he saw us, he officially approached and said, “Mom and Dad ask you to come in for a minute at 8 o’clock” and ran away. Lecha said it wasn’t easy and asked me how much I think Hennessey XO is worth here. I said here to my hennessy in the throat, who is giving you what. Probably a piano. An ancient icon. Or Shakespeare's tomic with the signature of Shakespeare himself. At 8 o’clock, I stood in my evening dress and Lecha in my shoes at the door of Nukri. The table was divided into two rooms, guests were seated by 40 people. Everything was on the tables on the three floors. Everything that grows, breathes, soaks, bleeds, foams, collapses in Georgia. Nukri raised his arms, smiled, approached us and said, "go through dear guests, we just had a little barbecue here, a modest lunch, we will be happy to share with you. You gave us this cake, we are now your debtors.” “Lena, make a chicken again, I’ll kill you,” Lecha whispered.

Now on Tuesday we go to Grandpa Vano for the 80th anniversary, on Thursday we gather in Tbilisi near Anzor for the anniversary of the wedding, and in December we should come to the baptism of the little Zuriko. It is obligatory.

We met the whole street, neighbors and relatives. We are invited to drink coffee on the first floor, then have breakfast on the second floor, then play nard in the opposite house. In the evening, drink beer in the yard and eat dinner together. It’s a kind of one huge house and an endless lunch in it.

I didn’t burn, I didn’t look at dolphins. I have flour, eggs, yeast, 4 kilos of lambs and sunny hemp in my room. Bottles of wine and cups are even in the bathroom. I haven’t made a single selfie and I already understand something in Georgian. Lecha has recovered 3 kg and is considering buying a house here.

I just said how delicious it smells, Valya.
How are you living here, right?”

c) Valentina Semilet

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №153889
 06.03.2020
News of the day: "Sberbank warned about the possibility of two waves of coronavirus in Russia"
Note, not the Ministry of Health, and not even Rospotrebnadzor - Sberbank is confusing and cares about the health of people.
Thus the Russians were able to feel in themselves all the depth and wisdom of the proverb: Your life is not indifferent only to the one to whom you owe.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №153888
 05.03.2020
A new chain in Iran, Muslims lick mosque gates to prove that they are not afraid of the coronavirus, and Allah will protect them from it. We wish this trend to become viral.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №153887
 05.03.2020
God must be in the heart, not in the Constitution.

[ + 36 - ] [3 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №153886
 05.03.2020
When in 1990 Gertruda Platas, a former prisoner of the Akmolin camp’s wife of the “traitors” of her homeland, arrived in Kazakhstan, she first told the employees of the Algir museum how she first saw the local Kazakhs and how they treated the prisoners.

One morning, when women prisoners, under a reinforced convoy, gathered shrubs on the shore of Zhalanash Lake to build barracks, old men and children — the locals of the neighboring Kazakh village of Zhanashu — jumped out of the shrubs. Children on the team of the elderly began to throw stones to tortured women (to perform the norm of 40 snaps of shrimp had to work on the frost for 17-20 hours a day). The convoys began to laugh loudly: say, see, you are not only in Moscow, you and here, in the hall, even children do not like you.

It was very offensive and painful, and, above all, morally, remembered Gertrude Plateau and other former prisoners. It repeated for several days. The insulted prisoners were only left to appeal to fate, complaining about the injustice of the stunned and angry Kazakhs by Stalin’s propaganda.
One day, turning away from the stones that flew on them, Gertrude, debilitated, stumbled and fell face to face in those stones. When she got into them, she suddenly smelled cheese, and realized that these same stones smelled... cheese and milk! She took a piece and put it in her mouth – it seemed to her very delicious.
She picked up the camels and brought them to the bar. There were also Korean prisoners. They said it was Kurt, a salt cheese dried in the sun. It turns out, risking the lives of their own children, the heart-sick Kazakhs, having not found another way just this way, without causing suspicion in the guards, shared with the prisoners the last thing they had - a court, in order at least to support the hungry poor women, since they themselves in the 1930s learned the hunger and deprivation.
Secretly from the guards, they left for the prisoners under the bushes pieces of cooked meat, bullshit, curtains, cakes. Gratitude to the Kazakh people, the women told, they carried through all their lives. “All the camps are bad, but it was in Kazakhstan that many survived and, above all, thanks to the Kazakhs. They were hungry, cold, deprived,” they confessed.
The memories of Gertrude Plateau formed the basis of the poem “Kurt – a precious stone”.

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №153885
 05.03.2020
My son has been wearing the “I am for Putin” t-shirt for 2 weeks. During this time, he was ignored and even tried to throw a bottle into him. What will happen to him if he leaves the house?

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №153884
 05.03.2020
Recently, customers are “gratified”)



- Here is a photo of the original document on the vatsap, can you do the work for today?

Yes, +50% to standard payment

Do you need to pay half of the price?

No, this is your standard payment, plus half for urgency.

I can get it tomorrow, I need it.

Yes, +50% to standard payment

I don’t like to pay...

Wait a week.

Okay, we wait

Okay

The next day, the bell at dawn.

Can I get it today?

Yes, +50% to standard payment

Your manager told me that you can pick up at the usual price today!

I was with her until night in the office and I know you didn’t even talk to her.

I won’t order from you because I’ve offended you.! to

The man is 36 years old.)

[ + 37 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №153883
 05.03.2020
She worked in a reception room, which only the ambulance did not drive.

A woman over 50: ate a pack of soda - alkalized the body.

Girl, 19 years old: took my grandmother's insulin and injected herself, deducted that it helps to lose weight.

A man, about 30 years old: in the sick tooth accumulated acids from the battery.

Man, 60+: a friend repaired a toothprothesis in his mouth with a solder.

A woman, 40 years old: hungry and for purification, she drank oil instead of water.

Man: treated allergies, took about 1 kilogram of activated charcoal.

Treatment of dementia and courage is spent enormous money. There is something to remember.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №153882
 05.03.2020
I was looking for an apartment in the glorious city of Rostov-on-Don. All the ads were answered by the callers. Well, what to do, the apartment should be rented, not in the car to sleep. I agreed to visit and visit the apartment I was interested in. The owner is an elderly man. Apparently a worker. I am a nervous guy aged 27-29. I looked at the apartment and it all worked out. Further conversation (X - the owner of the apartment, I-I, R-realtor):

Why is half the lamp not lighting?

X is burned. Change and compensate.

I am not a question. I also sell electricity, including light bulbs.

(X) A cable, in the case of the need to change the input, you sell?

I am not a question. Sold at a good discount. Here is a visit card.

You want to get along with me! Give me a visit!

He tried to grab the card from the owner’s hand. A stunned look of the owner of the apartment and a blow to the realtor. Takes him for a blanket and throws him out of the apartment.

What have we agreed?

and yes))

Eventually I dropped 2. of monthly value. And I sold him a SIP, a meter, a BZUM and machines at a cost.

House between the cold town of YUFU and the hospital. I still remember with a smile.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №153881
 05.03.2020
It was long ago. 15 to 16 years ago. Announced construction check-up - to appear in so much, carrying an alarming suitcase. Contents - pads for a couple of days, soap, nuts, needles, underwear, socks. And a lamp. With spare batteries and a spare lamp.

The inspector walks, the content checks. It is my turn.

Conserves are not outdated, a shave is available, threads are available.

Turn on the lamp!

I Include. The light.

Change the battery!

I change. Everything is great.

Where is the lamp?

-Comrade Captain, this is a LED lamp, and it contains 12 pieces of these lamps. They cannot burn at the same time. Only with an atomic explosion, because a semiconductor.

Then there was an atomic explosion. Would you stay without a lamp?

Why do I need a lamp?

[ + 31 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №153880
 04.03.2020
Thro the world, Gaidar’s principles of building an economy are an example of “how not to build it.” But in our country, his followers are reforming the pension system, education and medicine, so that the world has another example of "how not to do this".

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153879
 04.03.2020
Idiot and MKD

The stupidity of a fool will always overcome the genius of any genius.
I have a familiar computer genius, Lohsa. And that he is a genius, in principle, can be seen even from this short story. Lozha collects, adjusts and repairs any composts.
He’s also a crazy installation director, but that’s not the point.

One Saturday, Leche from the very morning, without warning, called the door of his familiar fool (and the real fool, in general, in a minute will disclose itself).

The guest grabbed a large system block and said:

Get rid of it, it needs to be done urgently. is not included. I need it in an hour.
E-k, I was sleeping at all. Okay, let’s see what’s there.

Losha removed the side cover, sneezed seven times and said:

There is so much dust in it that we cannot get rid of it today. Let's bring it to work tomorrow, there I have a powerful vacuum cleaner and all the spare parts, and most importantly, we wash the compressor well. No compressor is an option. And flew to you, dear friend, most likely, a food unit, overheated from dust. Tomorrow we will change everything.

Tomorrow is not possible, it will be too late. You need it today, get it out, Lieha, come up with something, you are so clever.

Leha breathed, grieved that he was in the same place forced to strain his brilliant brain, tension, enlightened his face and said:

You have a luggage bag in your jeep.
and yes.
- Then take your computer, fix it well on the trunk, here this side forward and drive on the MKAD, here next to it. Today is Saturday, it should be empty. Marty McFly, your task is to speed up to at least one hundred and twenty kilometers an hour! No need anymore. You will walk this way in half a minute and your computer will be inside again like new. And for now, I’m going to pull out my computer for you. Remember my kindness.

The joyful Marty picked up the system block and fled to arrange air baths for him at the MKAD.
I came back in half an hour. Only Lecha was going to set up the power unit, looking, and dust inside was not less, all the same gray and unclear.

Did you drive 5 kilometers an hour? Nothing went out.
Meaning of 5 miles? Yes, I was there under a hundred and eighty, afraid that the belts would break and the computer would fade. And the bull stood so that my ears were closed. In short, it didn’t work your hernia, Lohha.
Strange, it had to work. Let me ask you, Marty. Do not be offended if anything. Did you drive with or without a cover?
Of course with a cover! There is a lot of dust in it, has I gotten more dust to gather on the MCAD? And what...?

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №153878
 04.03.2020
Now to say that you do not believe in God is not just to offend the feelings of the believers, but to openly oppose the existing constitutional system.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №153877
 03.03.2020
xxx: I forgot to make the presentation that I was asked, but in order not to come with empty hands and not get a pair, I inserted a gif with "infinite loading". Prepod said to bring next time )))

YYY: The Kindergarten We have an accountant when they don't have time to report on time, they say they did everything, but "everything is gone somewhere."

[ + 26 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №153876
 03.03.2020
The distinctive feature of Russia of the present from Russia of the 90s: in the 90s, the state could not always pay a pension, and now it simply does not want to.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №153875
 03.03.2020
The words of a friend

My father has made the impression of an extremely unserious person all his life. And this despite the impressive dimensions, square figure and solid, especially in youth, physical training of a person who has been engaged in sports gymnastics for many years. Well, a person loves to laugh at a good joke, fish in good company and run a little before work a few kilometers simply because it was lazy to wake up to the bus.

But I had the opportunity to personally make sure that it was only one side of his nature.
“You can be a good person by caring for the beauty of your nails.” It was written by a poet. By translating this expression about my bathi, we can say:

Per a fool can be a botanist and a smart can be a force.

When I was seven or eight years old, our whole family went to rest in Moldova – my father’s brother, who settled there by distribution after school, invited in guests. Moldovan sun, fruits, delicious bread and milk in litre bottles with a narrow throat, like from the movie "Wedding in Malinovka".

Two families went to the beach. Dniester is a very fast, rapid river. Spontaneous water turns may occur.

The kids didn’t get out of the water. And not just children, there were plenty of people in the water. Our parents sat on the beach, drank quas, wine, played all kinds of games that were not common in the Soviet Union in those years, such as "mafia".

I was swimming in a swimsuit and with a mask. At some point I was very surprised: "Strangely, I swim, scratch up, and the surface of the water and the sunlight are only made away from me." I didn’t even have time to be scared. There was only a child’s surprise to an incomprehensible phenomenon.

My mother told me:

“We sit down and drink light and delicious Moldovan wine. Your father, sitting halfway to the coastline, raised a glass and said some funny “Caucasian” toast. Suddenly he jumped sharply in half a word, at two or three jumps was at the water and dive. A few seconds later, he emerged already noticeably away from the place where he escaped under water. With one hand he held you, and the other hugged you strongly. Not on the shore, but somewhere. Then he changed direction and swam to the shore. And in the place where he just sat and walked, there was a carefully placed glass of Moldovan wine.

My uncle, father’s brother, then asked him:

Did you know that you need to swim not to the shore, but across the stream of the water to leave the zone of its action faster?
and no. from where? There is no such thing in our country. But I understood it immediately, as soon as I saw that I would not crack against the current.
Why didn’t you break the glass?
What am I, the enemy? So good to scratch!

And the father continued his “Caucasian” toast.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №153874
 03.03.2020
The new order:
"Owners of cars with the sticker "We can repeat" to be sent to the nearest military commands to be sent to the victorious war with Turkey!“”

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №153873
 02.03.2020
Unlike the best friends of women – diamonds, the best friends of men – bottles look more solid and are much cheaper.

[ + 42 - ] Comment quote №153872
 02.03.2020
About doctors and robbers.

At the beginning of the zero, I was diagnosed with cancer. And as they found out, the usual district surgeon, to whom I went with a complaint of back pain, immediately sent me to the Ostrowski Hospital in Sokolnikov. There in the reception room sent for X-rays, immediately did all the tests and placed in the female oncology department. by Cito. A day later, w. At the department, an elderly, hard-talking Armenian woman did me have an operation. Before the operation, she began to ask me how I got to life like this. A tumor of 4 cm is a really giant tumor, it is impossible to ignore. I say that for a long time I have been observed in a mammologist of a pathological clinic of pathological management of a very pathological structure. For the money. and expensive. That there are problems with the tumor and metastases to the lymph nodes he could not but see. But the money was more expensive for him. Therefore, he was feeding stories about ordinary inflammation. It was cold, said the Armenian, and something longer in Armenian. What I am writing here and now is a monument to that woman surgeon. Three other women came with me. We are now friends. All are alive. And we did not approve the protocols of treatment, we did not stand in line for the quota, we did not extortion a ruble of money. We were just healed. by Cito. A terrible system. have modernized.

Now with the same diagnosis comes to the doctors of a colleague. It’s bad, she says. Tumor is 1. We need to operate, a million without quotas, but there are no quotas yet. Write down there and there. Will have to wait. Well, so far, according to the approved treatment protocols, we must prochemize and pro-radiologize you. Do a dozen other analyses. You are sorry, but even with your diagnosis - everything is paid and we as the leading organization in the country - everything is very expensive. How much, well, for example, one X-ray tomography session as two of your monthly pensions. Plus this and for that. I want to live. had to pay. Here is the quota and you can lie under the surgeon's knife. and happiness. You will pay another hundred for the tests before the operation. They are not included in the quota, but they are mandatory under the protocol. by Plato. It is you. performed an operation. And if the surgeon in the Ostrum hospital with the wrong medicine released patients without complications, then now in the right medicine, everyone comes out with complications - then paralyses, then organs are rejected, then what outrage. And according to the protocol of the unfortunate also shattered radiation and not point, but whole. The tumor is called. They are the best in the country.

Tell me, why be surprised if medicine from now on is the sphere of service. How much paid, for this amount and brought you the waiter and the doctor, the goods. This sector has to make money. They earn as they can. Another colleague (man), to confirm the severe diagnosis by doctors of Israel, needed surgical cuts of tissue, biopsies. On request of tens of thousands of rubles, they were handed over. How the tubes were exported is a separate story. Very terrible, because they had to eat part of the fabrics at the request of vigilant border guards. The most sad thing is that the imported tissues were part of foreigners. of women. Stupidly sold to the man foreign, female, pieces of flesh. for the diagnosis. It was hoped that in other countries there was no mandatory DNA analysis. And what they would treat is not at all that and it doesn’t matter. Because I wanted a lot of money.

I am sure that many of you will talk about similar "successes" of medical reform. But how I miss those magical Armenian phrases and the hands of the doctors of the women’s department of hospital No. 33, who saved us then from a terrible disease. How would they help those unhappy who are now under the scourge of protocols and financial programs of current medicine? All of Health!

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna