bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №153150
 14.10.2019
It was a few years ago. In the courtyard built a playground, crawl, sandbox, etc. For lighting hanged 2 diode projectors, connected through a photo relay to the entrance. What started here. The grandmothers ran, ran, so how much now to pay? On the fingers explained that ruble to pay, ruble can from the apartment. Nifiga, what do we have to pay for your lamps? In short, switched from the apartment. My son walks with the light, the others in the swamps.

Particularly deliver babkyens sitting on the site, on the benches that I built. and such:

Tarantas, turn on the light, it’s dark.

Who will pay for the light?

They complain, they remain silent.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №153149
 14.10.2019
I walk in the street, I don’t touch anyone. In front of it moves a glare, clearly from the mouthpiece:

Do you not pay for rubles?

How many rubles?

Need a lot. I asked seven.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153148
 14.10.2019
xxx: What is the likelihood that Jesus in our time would, sooner or later, shatter an article for insulting the feelings of believers for his words?

YYY: So he was executed about that last time.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №153147
 14.10.2019
Remembered for a long time. A neighbor from the fifth or sixth floor.

- Imagine, I talked with my husband on the table yesterday and found a note. “The Versace. 24 hours before the dizziness!” and the phone below – a? How do you do it?...I have a straight up heart, my legs have collapsed...I think it’s an infection. It is infection!



Then I read the note, and you know what was there? and Betasserk. and 24 mg. of a headache.” The pharmacy phone. The main thing, I asked him to find me a pharmacy where this beta-serum is cheaper! You are the green ones! I think it’s an infection. It is infection! I almost lost my heart and he is a “Betaser”!



Believe me – I then called this pharmacy three times and couldn’t say anything. He just roared and threw the phone. What they thought there, I don’t know. It rings, it says, something moved, nothing said and cries.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №153146
 14.10.2019
The Deputy of the State Duma is a truly unique profession: the less a person engages in their direct duties, the better for the people.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №153145
 14.10.2019
A long time ago there was a story from one participant on the site, which in the topic with firearms. He wrote about security techniques and what would happen if they were not observed.
Sorry, search for link. I have been reading posts on this page for many years, and today I decided to register and add a few stories from my life. And the first story will be on this topic: the handling of firearms.

My father, as far as I can remember, was always a hunter. My first childhood memories: I am lying on the couch and my dad is shooting the bullets next to me. That’s how I grew up: always with firearms, always with safety techniques.

At the age of 12, I got my own rifle, an old 16-caliber turkey one-wheel. We lived in such a deep place that we should not be afraid of the police. and :)

My father observed TB, and he had a comrade who was literally disturbed by this, in the positive sense of the word.

And one autumn we went hunting for a flight and went to a familiar shepherd, who from spring to late autumn lived in the steppe, as we called it - in a bucket, in a housing wagon - and in the pasture of state cows. It was late autumn, and to go to someone, warm up and drink a cup of tea, it was a tradition.

The shepherd was drunk, and he had a neighbor shepherd at his guests, who also passed the herd around the neighborhood, ten kilometers away. He was a little drunk too, and he was just sitting on the robes and smiling at everything.

The conversation immediately went to the guns. My father had a "five-charge", the Toshiba "MC21-12, if I remember correctly. His friend has a "vertical" with a very rare ejector at the time. I do not remember the model. I have an old gun.

The owner of the cabin took his rifle out of under the bed and began to boast: Yes, you, with your new rifles! Here is me! He actually had a rare gun, a 28-caliber turquoise horizontal.

And he pulls up the chickens, directs a gun to his "guest", who only washes and smiles. Shakes for the first time. My father’s friend begins to get upset and says, “You’re... ! to Should we target people with weapons?!! The shepherd laughs and drops a gun on his guest's head for the second time: Yes, it's okay, it's not charged!
The father’s friend can’t stand it and intuitively pulls the trunk away with his hand. (They were sitting next to each other.)

The BAC!! A drunk shepherd begins to laugh, and my father and his friend take a gun from him, overwhelm him and see: the first ammunition is a bullet, and the second worked...

The men disassembled the gun and threw it on the roof of the "house": until the drunkard gets, and when it is sober, he will not do so.

A conclusion from history? It doesn’t matter whether he is drunk or sober. Who has a firearm, or who wants to acquire it: THE FIRST AND BASIC RULE - ALWAYS treat a weapon as if it were loaded!! to

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153144
 14.10.2019
Now is a time when you need to be more careful with statements, so as not to offend all the podapacoes there.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №153143
 13.10.2019
I did not go to the garden for a long time. But I remember clearly how we were almost locked in the toilet or threatened to put a goose on our naked bodies. The goose slipping on my knee, I then until the university periodically dreamed.

The culmination of this hell I remember fragmented :) Maybe I was really behaving badly this morning. In general, I was locked up in the toilet barefoot, it was late autumn, the fork was open for ventilation. I did not protest, I sat in the corner behind the pots and solitude. There my grandmother found me when she came to pick me up. And I already had a temperature of 39.5, nonsense about the dancing cup (I remember this state well) and other delights of life.

The grandmother arranged a grand scandal, the teacher was fired, the babysitter also fled.

I haven’t been to the garden anymore :)

[ + 31 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №153142
 13.10.2019
I recently had an unusual story that I decided to tell. I will immediately say that everything written is pure truth, and if there is an inaccuracy anywhere, it is only because of my imperfect memory.



So, the case was a few months ago. I went to a spontaneous meeting with a friend in Poltava, and already after the meeting and afterwards I returned home to Kharkov. Basically nothing, a couple of hours on the track and I am home. I traveled around the country quite often, but never took companions with me. Mostly because all the trips were with my wife, and I have a two-door car, it's uncomfortable to go back, and I don't really trust people on the track. In general, to people who travel for any reason by car stop, I have a "wary" attitude.



Several times I saw "voting" people on the track, but crumbled into his worries, he flew past. And here, driving about a third of the way, I see a guy wandering by the side with a backpack. He also turned and, seeing me, raised his hand. There is no logical explanation why, but I decided to stop. I drop the glass:

and hello. Where are you?

The closer to Kharkov, the better.

I am inviting, kicking my head. He joyfully opens the door and jumps.

Just stick in, I remind you and we go on.

According to my smooth analysis of the appearance, I gave him 30+ years, not very careful haircut and beard, clothes scratched. Overall, it looks like it’s dormant. With an old backpack. But at the same time, I did not feel any unpleasant smell (sugar, chicken, sweat or anything else). I was not in the mood to talk, but the guy apparently lacked communication. And he did not begin the story of his journey from the western part of the country. by foot. without money. I took a heavy breath, I feel another hard story, about how a young healthy guy was in another part of the country without money, not by his will, and in general he is not guilty of anything. Well, somehow it happened that in the last 5 years I have heard such stories from dozens and none inspired trust. Therefore, I in the mode "in one ear flew - in the other flew" quietly approved and generally gave signs of attentive listener. A stop-word for me was his phrase "...to get to Lisichansk."

Lysichansk is a city in the Luhansk region of Ukraine, the native of which I am.

Are you from the Luhansk region? I asked with an untrue interest. You and I are landlords.

I lived in the mountain for a while.

Gornyatsky is a small village near my native town of Alchevsk.

- Fuck, cool, I have relatives from Gorniacki, and I myself from Alchevsk.

- I and Alchevsk lived for a while - a guy smiles.

Well, let’s see if I think it really is.

And where exactly? I ask him, hoping to know if he is telling the truth.

Next to the street, Lipovenko Street.

Spil is a local attraction in Alchevsk, the Obelisk of Victory.

Everything is more interesting and interesting, I also lived next to the spire, but on another street:

- Funny, I say, I also lived near the spy, on the Chapaeva street.

Interest has already arisen from him:

In Chapaeva my aunt lived, 168 house. I frequently visited her after school, I studied nearby, 16 school, and I remember how classy the name - Zinaida Alekseevna Oleynik - with such a light nostalgia he spoke.

I remained silent for a while. After all, I lived in a 166 house, also went to 16 school. Moreover, Zinaida Alekseevna is my classroom in the junior classes. But I remember almost all of my classmates, and this guy looks older than me, it turns out he studied in school before me. I turn to look at him again: yet I have seen him somewhere, probably I was in the junior classes, and he was in the senior, or... but here my brain on the subconscious level, having analyzed all the facts, raising the archives and misleading in the boundaries of the mind, gives the name:

And then Andrew?

He looks at me astonished.

– Yes...

My face stretches in an unwilling smile:

“I’m Serega, your party neighbor in the first class.

I said it, seemingly, before I fully realized what exactly happened. And it happened that I met my first school friend, with whom we sat on the same side for a whole year. A friend with whom my parents were forbidden to be friends because he smoked in the first class. A friend who in the second grade was no longer sitting with me at the same party, because he was transferred to the internship school because of troubled parents. And I met him the hell knows where, the hell knows how, the hell knows how, the hell knows how, the hell knows how, the hell knows where we met – I didn’t have to be there, it was an unplanned trip that almost collapsed at the last moment.



Eventually, I took him to the train station. We talked very well, of course I gave him money for the first time that he could eat and at least get home. It is worth noting that he did not ask for money from me once in all our conversation. All his main adventures he told me and I was genuinely stunned by how a person, essentially having nothing in mind,ins a positive attitude and just goes toward the goal. He did not complain to me, did not ask for help. Even when he was telling about his trip, there was a moment when he went into the street cafe and asked him to feed something, and he would put them a piece of wood for it, or the yard would clean up, or something else would do what they needed. He was rejected, but he said that he understood why: "they don't know me, they think that a wanderer is a sick man, he will do more harm than good...". No any negativity.



I was very surprised by what happened and how. The only thing I regret is that he would have to buy at least a simple phone, any one, only if there was a connection with him. It didn’t come to mind in time.



No matter what, I very much hope that I have been a kind of support for him for the trials he has gone through.

He told me about his adventures that it is never worth giving up and dropping hands. And that was exactly what I needed at that moment.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №153141
 13.10.2019
25 years ago, as a student, I took care of my classmate Tatiana, a girl pleasant in all respects - an athlete, a comsomolk and just an interesting person in communication. We were young, healthy and ready for any hustle, spending the weekend lying on the couch seemed to us a waste of time. In one of the November weekends, she offered me to go out in nature - her cousin worked as an instructor on hiking tourism, and organized a weekend trip for newcomers, just a little bit, to get to the station by electric car, walking 10 kilometers to the tour of the base, there a day-night trip, on Sunday back. Ordinary departure, in order to seed away people not ready for serious expeditions, and just unpleasant personalities. We were supposed to meet at Finban (as I understood it) at 8 a.m., on the right of the box office. We agreed with Tatiana that we would cross with her at the entrance to the subway (we lived next door), if she would be late (she liked it), I would go to the station alone, and she would go to the station, catching the car. There were no mobile phones at the time, and I didn't have a home phone at the time, yes, in Peter, this was the case. to the affair.

I came to the station, I turned, Tatiana was not there, on the right of the box was a group with backpacks, I approached myself, as I seemed to the mother, asking whether they were a tour group, and whether he knew Tatiana. Yes, Alexey replied to me, the tour group is we, Tatiana know, buy tickets. Tatiana did not come to the electrician, but I was already set to take a little walk in the fresh air, and I went with them. I met in the electric car, and I already had the suspicion that I was in the wrong place. We got to the station, tossed backpacks and went, and the guys took such a pace that I barely followed them. The Motel begins. When the first five kilometers passed, I was already in the soap, and asked, when it came to pass, what I was answered, that they only melted their legs, and in general, walked with tomatoes, said you said that in the expeditions was not once. Yes, it used to be, but only in the summer, and for a day with waterfalls I walked a maximum of 15 kilometers, and then count without loads. Generally speaking, these guys turned out to be the trickers who conquered the thousands, and now they went out to break their feet between trips to the mountains, and these loosers were joke-perrying with bounties like factory. The last ten kilometers before the parking I do not remember, stupidly rearranged my legs, I was constantly stopped to wait, and complained that I was knocking them off the rhythm.

Arrived at the parking lot already in the dark, I fell and could not get up for some hour. It was like standing on a parking lot on the shore of a beautiful career, but I wasn’t there before. During this time, the boys set up a tent with a stove. They prepared dinner. After dinner, I drove into the tent and cut myself off, faintly remembering that somebody was constantly sitting next to the stove at night and sometimes throwing wood, but maybe I dreamed of it. In the morning, everything hurt me, I was barely squeezed, I imagined the way back with horror. Breakfast, gathered, I found out that today to the station we have to walk only some 10 kilometers, but they were given to me very not easy.

On Monday at the academy I met Tatiana, it turned out that on a morning walk before leaving she lost her bad sharpee, and half a day was looking for him. Moreover, she confused the stations, and we had to go to Bolt. I did not give in to such provocations any more.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №153140
 13.10.2019
The working day ends, my colleague and I, long-haired, stand in a smoker, blow. Our leader comes in, already with a wallet and a coat, shakes his hands to say goodbye, and then his hand masches and says, say, I stand with you, I smoke.

She smokes, nervously touches a long-haired colleague and says:

Don’t get close to me, okay?

We are confused. He explains it.

“Yesterday my wife removed your long, light hair from my coat and looked long, suspiciously. I told her about the fact that a long-haired guy is working with me, she seemed to understand, but let’s not exacerbate...

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №153139
 13.10.2019
In a country where bombers are more intelligent than journalists, people are interested, not gossip about them.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №153138
 13.10.2019
A call like that in the morning.
There is an Ipschnik, engaged in repairs and small construction.
Hello, Sirog, you are my last hope.
Hi what happened?
- I make coffee, opening on Saturday, and I have a lot of shortcomings, plus all slightly.
What a little thing? What are the deficiencies?
Actually a one-day job. and alone. Two can do it in half a day. The diode tape on the shelves in the bar, the lighting of the bar stand, in the kitchen a couple of rosettes to add, street advertising to connect, in the shield several machines to change...
Do you have three electricians in the brigade? Where did it all go?
I’ll tell you now, but you won’t believe it.
and try.
In short, Ruslan gave him a holiday that day. Ruslan is younger than that, thirty-five years old.
Looking like a Caucasian?
My parents are Russians. Well, Ruslan on the weekend, and two others - Nikita and Losha sent to a neighboring house with a cafe in the shield there was something to change. Work for a couple of hours, money on hand, I thought - the guys will be a kind of gift, especially since the cafe is almost over, and there are no new large facilities yet...
And they forgot?
No, not at all. They got the money and decided to drink a beer. They are so low-drinking, in five years of work I have never even seen a whimper.
Are they broken here?
Do not guess, do not try. In short, they sat down in the park, started drinking beer, it was hot, summer - you understand. And Losha, and he unmarried, began to rub Nikita, that all, say, babies cheat, like that is why he does not marry at his forty-five.
Nicky is the same?
- Oh, and let us offend him, he and his wife have been together for twenty years, read - a quarter of a century lived, so the words of Lohina hit him. They took another beer, and Nikita began to demand evidence. And Loisha is like this: his wife, say, puts his phone on the password and does not show you? Are you constantly sitting in messengers? Gifts that are strange sometimes given to her, then at work, then a friend, right? The main thing is that you are not given, but given to her. Enrolled in fitness? Mood is good? It is cheating! This is a 100% option!
What about Nikita?
- And Nikita loves his wife very much - this is the time, and in the second, all Lehi's hints directly into the target, to see, hit, because Nikita slightly touched.
The psychic?
type of that. He took Nikita out of his tool bag a long hole and twisted Losh in his neck several times. Then he removed the hole in the bag, hanged the bag on his shoulder, took the remainder of the beer, sat in the taxi and went home.
Nirvana to yourself!
Listen to further. He rushes home, and the house-wife really with the lover! You will not believe!
I do not believe!
Nikita sent a SMS to his wife in the morning that he would be late. SMS has arrived. Well, Nikita acts according to a proven scheme - he ticks a hole into his lover's throat.It rolls in the corridor to the floor. The wife, seeing such things, realized that the jokes had ended, wrapped herself in a shirt and walked out of the balcony.
Did he live on the third floor?
On the second. The wife in the family of cats had no scratches, fell on all four. And Nikita removed a pot of fresh watermelon from the plate, got a bottle of watermelon from the refrigerator, called the police with doctors and began to wait, pumping himself with alcohol.
The cape just...
I lost all three electric drivers in a couple of hours.
and stop. Why three? Well, Lohha and Nikita – understand, but where did Ruslan go?
Did not go anywhere. Ruslan with a broken throat in Nikita's apartment was lying.
The Danube! I do not believe!
Do not believe. He and Nikita’s wife have been troubled since the New Year...Now I have one electrician under investigation, and two in the hospital.
Have survived?
and yes. It will last a long time, they say.
The O-Fi Ghetto!
Well what? Would you help? We have to do everything for tomorrow.
I can help you, no problem. Once this is the case, I will enter.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №153137
 13.10.2019
A man clicks on a smartphone in a search engine: "How to distinguish a telepath from a schizophrenic?“”
The Voice of the Kitchen:
Schizophrenia would have killed you.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №153136
 12.10.2019
You buy the fresh low-salt saliva, elastic, like the ass of Jennifer Lopez, divide it, clean all the bones, lay it beautifully on the saliva, pour on rings of onions and water with unrefined sunflower oil. Here comes the wife and the eagle - "Again the whole kitchen was wrapped with his silk!" And then in the evening you go into the kitchen - and she is eating it!! to

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №153135
 12.10.2019
My son was three years old.

We went to my grandmother and we were going to go.

The things are gathered, we are at the exit.

Grandma says to her grandson:

Could you write on the road?

The grandson is tired and condemned:

is OK. Where is this road...

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153134
 12.10.2019
I go on the bus. A non-Russian family with two children. They go quietly. The little ones whisper silently. Then they ask something about their father. The Father says so well.

In which city are we?

Children in Moscow.

Then we speak and ask only in Russian.

The kids are dad. Why did we come to our stop?

Father, how did you go? Oh shy grim...

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153133
 11.10.2019
Happy in bed is the one who loves a woman, not sex.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №153132
 11.10.2019
In the eighty-third century, Petka decided to marry him and persuaded Emma to marry him. Everyone believes that the young man was called Peter and his bride was his Emma? and right. Even the militia never believed him when he was represented by Petrov Petrovich, and all because they thought that Ivan Ivan Ivanovich or, for example, Sidor Sidorovich sounds no less credible than even Ilin Ilya Ilyich, not to mention Petrov Petrovich. Emma Frenchwna is a bride. That is, it looked like it wasn’t much that Emma Franzen was still a punk. The fifth is almost livery. Now they are an honorable family of two doctors of sciences and two candidates. The candidates are minors.

So these two untrustworthy in the militia citizens organized a boy and a girl on Friday evening according to the city tradition to marry on Saturday. Their classmates shared as appropriate: the girls went to the right, and the boys - to the left, to the bathroom. In my opinion, it was Strochanovsky baths, and maybe even Sandun, although it is unlikely.

In the bath, the boys drank beer and ate a snack of dried fish brought "right from the Volga" from Akhtuba. What the girls drank is unknown, although it is judged by the result that there was no champagne.

Vanka, invited by Petro Petrovich to witness the marriage, cuddled in the measure of cold beer, wrapped his teeth in a luxurious tiger and clearly said "vuvudu?", which was meant to mean "tasteful, yeah?". No one understood him, he hardly and regretfully pulled the tiger out of his mouth and repeated, "Damn that?" I was surprised at what I said. Ivan did not want to whisper at all, only two front teeth remained in the hard-salted fish. Such a tiger is innocent, and two Vankini's artificial cutters are cut out of it. and half.

- He testified to his own, - all also whispering said Vanka, and you can imagine yourself what he got, - capeci, look for another.

“No, Wang, I’m not going to look for another, you’re a witness and a point. There will be no others. I marry Finngall and I'm not worried about this, Emma's arm is broken, thank God it's left, and you don't notice anything unless you smile and be silent.

I have to say that Petka and Emma went to Tsakhkadzor to ski on mountain skies and what happened – it happened. Petka has a finger, Emma has a hand, and the witness on the side of the bride generally has a leg. One of the two, we don’t even care which leg she broke then.

Ivan was convinced. You just have to be silent and not smile widely.

And the next day, this companion, accompanied by friends and relatives in the background, entered the open doors of the wedding palace number one in Moscow.

Seeing all sorts of types of a registrator aunt only was able to shake her hands and pronounce "save, lords": Peter with a pencil on the half-face. A bride with a broken hand. Witnesses in the coffins. Only Vanka, whole, in a new suit, looked a decent person and decided to save the situation.

“No problem, aunt,” he whispered boldly and smiled.

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №153131
 11.10.2019
Today I saw a guy with the inscription on his T-shirt "God + Truth = Life". I hope he understands that it follows that Truth = Life is God, and God = Life is Truth.
Study mathematics!

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