bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №158461
 03.08.2022
We will not sell the house in a mortgage.

Why is?

Strong opposition to mortgage

What arguments does the daughter have against such a buyer?

None, she is against it.

Do you know what a mortgage is and how mortgage transactions take place?

No is!

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №158460
 03.08.2022
He has a friend with whom he meets a couple of times a year. He asks me how to remove my stomach and get tighter. I start reading him a lecture about BJU, workouts, visceral fat and so on. I talk for 10 minutes, he shakes his head, asks questions, listens carefully to me. Here I think of an obvious nuance:

When does she fly?

And tomorrow...

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №158459
 03.08.2022
I went to Ashan with my husband. The mood is good, we joke, we laugh... (and we laugh very loudly.) I went to the shelves with bread and I, in parallel with a funny conversation, look for the right brand.

Here behind it is a claim, one-on-one as the grandmother in the video: "Can you laugh elsewhere?"

I turn around and see a splashing aggressive man (the author of the claim) and his wife with a child (the latter has some obviously touched look). And you can see that happiness in this family does not smell.

Usually I get lost in such situations, and then I instantly gave out without losing optimism in my voice: "And what, we are preventing you from suffering?!“”

To my surprise, the man squeezed and hastily retreated, capturing the family. I forgot about bread.

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №158458
 03.08.2022
XXX: Sometimes you kill a cockroach and you realize that he may be going to his family. After such thoughts, you usually order the disinfection of the entire apartment.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №158457
 03.08.2022
You won’t get rid of someone lying on the sofa.

[ + 42 - ] Comment quote №158456
 03.08.2022
In one Moscow school a boy stopped going to class. One week he didn’t go, two... Leo didn’t have a phone, and his classmates, on the advice of the teacher, decided to go home to him. The door was opened by Levi’s mother. Her face was very sad. The boys greeted and asked:
“Why doesn’t Leo go to school?” My mom replied sadly, “He won’t be studying with you anymore. He was operated. and failed. The lion is blind and cannot walk.
The boys were silent, looked around, and then one of them proposed, "And we will take him to school in turn."
and carry home.
- And the lessons will help to do, - interrupting each other, the classmates ticked.
My mother had tears in her eyes. She took her friends into the room. A little weather, touching the way with his hand, Leo came out to them with a bandage in their eyes. The guys froze. Only now did they really understand what misfortune happened to their friend. Leo said with difficulty, “Hello.” And then from all sides he said, “I’ll go after you tomorrow and take you to school. I will tell you that we went through algebra. I am in history.
Leo did not know whom to listen to, and only stirred his head confusedly.
There were tears on my mother’s face. After leaving, the boys made a plan - who comes in when, who explains what subjects, who will walk with Leo and drive him to school. In school, a boy, who was sitting with Leo on the same table, quietly told him during the lesson what the teacher was writing on the board. And how dumb the class was when Leo answered! How everyone was delighted with his five, even more than his own! Leopard studied very well. The whole class was better. In order to explain a lesson to a friend in trouble, you need to know it yourself. The guys tried.
In the winter they began to drive the lion on a slide. The boy loved classical music, and his classmates went with him to symphony concerts.
He finished the school with a gold medal, then entered the institute. And there found friends who became his eyes. After the Institute, Leo continued to study and eventually became a world-renowned mathematician, academician Pontraghine. Do not count people who have seen for good.
Lev Semjonovich Pontryagin (1908-1988) - Soviet mathematician, one of the greatest mathematicians of the 20th century, academic of the USSR Academy of Sciences, who lost his vision at the age of 14.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №158455
 03.08.2022
With a logopedist. work of the whisperers.
What are socks and socks related to?
Child of wool.
L: Yes, they are wrapped out of wool. How are clothes made?
R is swallowed.
L: And who then?
R is shuffle.

[ + 36 - ] [5 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №158454
 02.08.2022
A guy once wrote to me. We met, talked and came to know who was doing what. I studied at the university at the time and was a public assistant with an investigator in the investigative department. He practiced there and was delayed. It was curious. I write to him all this, sharing dreams about how I might one day come there to work for money, and I get in response some wild: "How can you? Boys are sitting in the human area! A waste creature! You are a creature!” He blocked me.

I did not have to, but I decided for myself that I would not meet in Classmates anymore.

[ + 16 - ] Comment quote №158453
 02.08.2022
It’s bad when you’re all well. You don’t know what to rejoice at first.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №158452
 02.08.2022
An indicative example of laconicity is associated with the Macedonian Tsar Philip II. In a letter to Sparta, he wrote: “I advise you to surrender immediately, because if my army enters your lands, I will destroy your gardens, enslave people and destroy the city.”
The Spartans answered briefly, “If.”

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №158451
 02.08.2022
One day, a wise man said nothing. The times came very restless, and the interlocutors seemed very unreliable.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №158450
 02.08.2022
I went on a trip 35 years ago after a night on a trolley bus. He sat down and immediately fell asleep - the night turned out to be very heavy, and even the younger cut his teeth, and the older one was infected with salmonella. At the end, the driver woke up - the conductors were not there at the time. He crossed the road, sat on the same trolley... and fell asleep again. At the other end, the driver, waking me up, realized that I was not a buoy. He asked where to wake up and woke up at the right stop.

Since then, I have not been driving sitting, only standing. still cut, you just start to see a dream, your legs bend, the body falls, but the brain intercepts control, you wake up sharply on half-bowns...

The people around disperse, think naric or alcoholic, and this is just a working guy going home at night.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №158449
 01.08.2022
There lived in our dormitory a boy who had a hamster.

In the summer, all the students leave the dormitory. That guy has gone too. The hammer left. He left the refrigerator with the foods he turned off. But that’s not all, I left a potato under the bed and a pot of soup on the table.

Now to the most terrible. In general, after a couple of days without the owner, the hamster declined, lost weight, and got out of his cage. I went looking for food and found a pot with soup. He went to her where he drowned safely. And this is all good: the turned-off refrigerator, the soup with the drowned hamsters and the potatoes under the bed were lying in a closed jacquard room, from early July to mid-August.

Durban in the summer is a very warm city. And when everyone slowly began to come together, the neighbors began to hear that shit.

I called the commander with the keys. and seized. A bunch of cockroaches, mosquitoes that eat the potatoes, larvae and a bunch of flies near a pot with soup. A very smelly refrigerator. The refrigerator had to be thrown out, not washed. The room had to be washed for a week, the wallpaper failed all this, everything had to be ripped, washed and washed. The first day, it was done in respirators. The man was expelled from the community, without the right to settle.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №158448
 01.08.2022
I constantly forget everything. Therefore :

You can watch good movies many times. I don’t even remember what the movie was about.

I can tell the same story several times.

I will not reveal your secrets because I will not remember them.



It is a pity that I have no friends. Maybe they are, I just forgot.

[ + 11 - ] Comment quote №158447
 01.08.2022
Career is made by the shit inside of you, not your dignity.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №158446
 01.08.2022
Russian North, An-2 is preparing for a flight from a small city to the regional center. The passengers are already sitting, the pilot enters the door, located near the tail, and passes through the entire cabin into the cabin. This is a very young man, a representative of one of the northern peoples. To him with astonishment addresses the capital lady, who returns from a business trip:
I am sorry! Will we fly with you?! to
The pilot turns to her and says with a smile:
If you really want, you can try it without me.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №158445
 01.08.2022
If you are told that you live in a great empire, do not rush to rejoice: it is very likely that you are a slave.

[ + 49 - ] Comment quote №158444
 31.07.2022
As our boss says, "She said, he said, does not cane"

He approaches me and says:

Why didn’t you report to the SRM?

You did not set a task!

I have to set you tasks, so don’t you understand?

- You have introduced the regulations yourself, so that everything is not on words, to put tasks to managers!

– Olga, let him go, I’m tired of fighting with him!

The accountant, calmly said, "Well, put a task for me in the SRM, indicate the date of dismissal, the reason, and I will make the order!"

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №158443
 31.07.2022
She came after a decree to be arranged as a cashier in a military clothing store. Stage 15 years. I'm given a questionnaire on 5 sheets, more than 100 questions, but, he says, first tell us the time of your birth. The date I am? No, the time. With us, the director is dealing with numerology, he will look at the numbers and decide if you are suitable for us. I said I would call my mom and find out. She went out, threw the questionnaire into the trash and left.

[ + 47 - ] Comment quote №158442
 31.07.2022
A dispute between a pilot and a technician is more difficult. The technician asks the pilot:

Have you seen a bear on a motorcycle?

The pilot replies:

Well I saw!

Did you see the bears repair these motorcycles? ...

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