In January, I played the grid with friends and had to go to the kitchen for a snack.

When he returned to the game and the enthusiastic conversation on the discord, without tearing his eyes from the screen, he made a spoon of tea and immediately splashed tea because of the fact that he felt incomprehensible pieces in his mouth.

It turned out that the cat decided to try or smell the tea and it broke into a bowl.

Strange pieces were wool and cat food.

In large families, where they bring things to each other, Fashion is even afraid to whisper.

My friend met his future wife on a beach in Sochi 400 km from his hometown. They lived in the same city and studied at the same school. When they got married, they looked at photos from their wife’s family album. Suddenly, my friend recognizes himself on a school photo. At the last call, he carries a first-class girl with a bell. First class is his wife. There is a similar photo in his family album.

Have you noticed that when you are addressed with the phrase "We need to talk", you don't need it at all?

I go to a cafe almost every day. There is a barista working there, who throws my glances over and all in that spirit, but he did not dare to get acquainted. Today I came, and he was not there. Probably not in his replacement. I was so sad that he wasn’t there. It became so strikingly lonely. But you will do nothing. He sat down at his favorite table. The waitress put out the menu and quickly went away with the phone. I tried to call her for ten minutes. And she passed by to the other tables: "I'm sorry for waiting, I'll come now." I was about to leave with a wildly bad mood, as this barista enters the cafe, smiled at me and went to the stand. Only then came the waitress to me. It turned out that this girl, when she saw me, called the guy. And he stumbled on his weekend to make me coffee. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve seen. And yes, tomorrow we go on a date.

Plastic surgeons see more inadequate babies than psychiatrists.

In 1926, an exhausted to dystrophy patient came to a famous psychiatrist, judging by ways, "from the former", complaining of unreasonable grief and apathy, because of which he can not eat and sleep at all. After examining him, the doctor prescribed... to read humorous stories: "Best of all, batenka, take Tomik Zoshchenko. It may seem simple, so proletarian. It is funny! This man is a great fun man.” "Doctor, I am Zoshchenko, I am Zoshchenko."

Remember, the main problem of mankind was the ozone hole over the Arctic? Terrible to remember. Such a fucking...

When I was 5 years old, I went to the cemetery with my parents. Summer, the weather is great, while the parents put in order, painted the fence, I went to the cemetery to walk, to look at the monuments. I see a monument, large, granite, on it a photo of a young woman, the date of birth and death, around the tomb a forged fence, a bench and a table. A woman is sitting at the table, I pass by, I looked at the monument, she apparently heard that someone was going and also turned, here I opened a brick factory, behind the table and on the monument was the same woman. I flee to my parents, there, I say, a dead aunt came to her grave. My dad snorted first, then, I don’t know how, understood what I was talking about, and explained to me that it was her twin sister, she died in an accident. I then even got upset a little, thought the zombie natural, and there was a sister.

During the period when my mother was not well with her health, one evening, when she was either thirsty or feeling very bad, my mother decided to look for favourable offerings for funeral services, as well as to write out the numbers, "so that the children would not worry about it." Almost like in a movie. In general, she opened the newspaper, saw the advertisement "free body withdrawal", called, learned everything, then, at the end of the conversation, she was asked, "will you order the body withdrawal?What my mom says, “No, I’m not dead yet.”

Strong power always rests on the weak people.

The 57-year-old driver, who was driving at a speed of almost 200 km per hour and was stopped, refused to pay a fine for excess. He referred to the fact that everything in life is used to doing quickly. This is the characteristic of the organism. He eats fast, sleeps fast, rides fast, has short reading and even moves very fast on foot.

He was summoned to court and told the same thing. The judge said to him, “Let’s see how quickly you’ll sit in jail for six months.”

A team of Russian schoolchildren won the Olympics in physics. The next generation of American scientists is growing.

We work with the client and fill out the application form.

I: Have you finished? Where it ends, put a large English Z.

Q: What is war here? Where are you dragging me?

I: Z in the sense of "end of the text", so that no one can fill the signed form further.

An uncomfortable pause.

When I was not taken into the army again, I had to go to work again. And here I, completely bald in a sweater with a collar at the ears, come to an interview in some communication salon. I look like a young but very promising criminal recently from places not so far away. There is a crowd of potential employees in the audience. The scheme is such as, for example, “those who have completed only nine classes are not suitable for us.” Someone stands up and leaves. With every question the crowd rides. I am not leaving. I have my bald skull and I am already preparing to work. I notice that with every new question the recruiters are not looking at me well. People are getting smaller, and I am sitting. Apparently they don’t believe me. But I really know how to sell, I have a confident computer, I have a college diploma, a regional license and so on. I even thought that the recruitment of the new staff would only end when I, the suspicious kid, left. And here we were two: me and some major in a shirt, pants and a Hollywood hairstyle. The recruiting staff decided, apparently, to repeat the key moment loudly and clearly.

Once again, we remind you that if you have judgment, then you are not suitable for us.

An uncomfortable pause. And then suddenly the major stands up and leaves. I remain alone. Staff recruits are broken and, not knowing what to do, look around. Finally, a very young girl says with a trembling voice:

We cannot accept you...

Why is? Is it because I am bald and scary?

They looked around. They silence. I wanted to offer them to break into the cards on whether to take me to work or not. But I did not stand. In short, I felt sorry for these young HRocks and I just left. At the entrance there was a major and smoking.

“I have no conviction,” he said. It’s really interesting how they make you feel ?

They could not, and I left myself.

You are beautiful)))

🛩 Weather forecast over Moscow: Strong fog. The plane starts to land, the pilot is not visible. Suddenly, a skyscraper appears from the fog, someone blows in the window. The pilot stands up and cries:

Where are we?

in response:

In the plane!

The pilot sneezes, and confidently, with a metric accuracy, leads the plane to land. After landing, the pilot asks him:

Igor, how did you do that?

I asked a simple question and got a 100% correct but completely useless answer. Then I realized that we were flying past the 1C support office. I know the road further.

The most important art is the art of sophisticated deception. Not your moving pictures.

She sent her daughter to the sanatorium (she was five years old). When registering, a doctor, a serious man, asks her:
Do you know how to write letters?
I know, she says proudly.
Can you write your name?
I can.
He gives her a blank, she brings Masha out on him in business. And then he reads to her that she has signed a document on compliance with the regime (not to noise, not to battle, and so on). Her disappointed eyes were...
And I told her, “Before you sign something, you have to read it first.”

Why would Russian villages and cities without gas not freeze, and Europe without gas freeze?

I needed to replace the toilet. Bought, delivered, the master came and did everything. He calls me to look, stands in the door and says:

Ready to try it!

I look at him in stupor, in my head a lot of thoughts (need to be with him? Can not later? Can I close the door? I do not know how much I would still stand in confusion, but soon he breathed himself pressed the button and with the words everything worked, left.