A cat came from the room and told me that the tree had lost consciousness.

In the fifth grade, an inspector for underage children came to our school and spent a class hour after the lessons.

Our classmate Serega Zverev made under the floor a scrap from his underground in the underground of the neighbors. The houses were for two owners, and in the kitchen of each owner there was an underground. The owners stored strawberries, compotes, homemade strawberries were stored in banks, fat was stored, etc.

It turns out Serega a month made a bribe, and then a couple of months lazed, food pulled.

They registered, were ashamed, Serega cried, promised that he would not be again.

Now he is not Serega, but Sergey Ivanovich, the father of four children, the chief mechanic of the RMC (repair mechanical workshop). But for us, classmates, he is still Serega "Monte Cristo")

Do you know what instant karma is?

Just just. He flew on 35 rows, almost in the tail.

The plane just landed – the neighbor jumped up, scattered everyone and ran to the nose of the plane to be the first to get out.

Trap arrived at the tail.

I am a student, waiting for the bus to go to my grandmother to the village, and in my pocket the delivery of the purchase of a ticket (30 rubles).

A poor man came and asked for bread. I grabbed all 30 rubles, thought that I would not get poorer, and the man would eat, and in that same second his phone is ringing. He simultaneously grabs the little thing from my palm and responds to the phone call with the words, “Yes, it’s okay, I’m at work.”

I visited my classmate when I was a child with my grandmother. The grandfather took his grandson for a walk and, when he met his friend Petrovich, they went to the beer store. Beer, fish and talk. Grandfather speaks to granddaughter, granddaughter does not.

Coming home, my classmate poured a compot into a glass of drink. and says.

Father, let’s go like you and Petrovich’s circles.

Such "lenses" grandfather from grandmother arrived, who smoked on the doorstep and tried not to burn.

My older sister is drawing on a magazine table (I am 6 years old, she is 11-12).

I watch for a long time as she paints, there is a landscape of a man, here she is already painting begins. I ask – so your parents will put puzzles into you, how will you turn out?

“But so,” she says and writes my name on the table where the artist’s signature should be. And she writes with her left hand (she is the right hand) to mimic my six-year-old handwriting.

Mom didn't believe my story and the puzzles on the broken table were inserted into me.

Family life not only relieves from loneliness, but a bonus allows you to long for loneliness.

One day...
- A little salt is lacking, well, and spices are little, - chewing another piece of sausage, the customer said.
- Fuck, he's a gourmet, I thought, but he said something quite different, we'll fix it! - Although it has been corrected ten times, no less, you will not try it with someone else's mouth. And the chips are all over. Pretending options, I knew I would not get anyway. Do you have a model that is 100% satisfying? In taste, in color and even in shape.
The model? Oh there is. There is! Your competitors from your neighborhood do this. It is sold in a store next to my office. I bring now.
The newly cooked chief of the sausage shop looked at me with grief.
Will we make a new mix? In any case, he asked. I think he just composts our brains!
Do not be in a hurry, let’s check.
The sample brought by the customer did not present anything unusual. I twisted the depersonalized bottle and the edak, cut it off, tried it and thought:
“If he’s a gourmet, he’s rare,” he told him, “he’ll be ready for lunch tomorrow. One in one, in color and taste. Come in to tasting.
The next day, lunch began.
“Here’s the sausage,” I knocked onto a box of sausages, I said. - The appearance got exactly in grams and in centimeters, and you can taste. I am sure that they also hit, although the sausage is depersonalized, on the sample neither label nor composition. All were calculated by the deductive method and the method of thickness. Try it.
The client took a piece, smelled.
“The bouquet of spices is clearly not the same,” he said with doubt.
Try it, the bucket will open. All one in one.
Well, one in one, here and the salts exceeded. translated to the same. Absolutely shit! You can do absolutely nothing!
“Then you compare, compare, this is your sample,” I said, stretching him half a bottle. One in one!
You are what? It is a completely different thing, the smell and design are completely different, and smoking is normal! Bite from another piece and tasting, he said. Was it just as hard to do?! to
-No, not hard, I only had to change places on the sample your sample and the sausage that was produced here. And for the appearance to buy in the store the remaining eight buttons of your sample. So that the doubts will not overcome you. Here is the check.

I want a cat for the New Year!
Don’t worry, there will be an olive as always!

In 11th grade I liked my classmate, and shortly before the New Year I decided to arrange a romantic act. In general, every day I threw her in the pocket of the shoe chocolate with all sorts of notes, like you are cool, a cute smile and all that, but without a signature. For a while I managed to do this secretly from everyone, then I burned myself in front of two classmates. But it seemed to them a funny entertainment, and instead of embarrassing exposure, they became, so to speak, active observers of the show. Once they even helped me: the day I left to file papers to the universe or something like that, they threw a chocolate instead of me, the more confused my object of breathing and removed suspicions.



This is the last day before the winter vacation. I bought two chocolates. I took one during the day, as usual. And in the evening we had something like a morning, only an evening, all sorts of performances there, each class puts its play, all that. In general, in the evening, the school was full again, and I put on a second chocolate box with a note that broke the mask of anonymity. I don’t know what it was supposed to end in my dreams... Maybe she would throw in my arms, because I’m so good, I’m choking with chocolate)) But in reality, when I was about to go home, in the hallway a dumb-known guy meets (as it turned out later, the girl’s brother), clings me to the wall, takes my chest and says something like “Yes, stay away from Oksana, she is constantly complaining that you’re dominating her.” Without a handshake, nothing like that, he didn’t even raise his voice, but he did. This was happening in the hallway, many saw this very humiliating scene for me. Unfortunately, the girl did not share my feelings at all, so after the holidays I began to pretend that she does not exist. I was neither old nor terrible.

I remember someone throwing anonymous emails into my mailbox every day for a week. The letters contained short notes such as “I like you”, “I dream of you”, “You’re beautiful” etc. It was in the second half of the 1980s and I was 14 years old. Naturally, my friends and I were fucking out of curiosity. Finally, a letter appears in the box with an invitation to a date, where my secret exhilarator writes his name, age, how he will be dressed, date and time of the date. Anywhere except where we meet. I did not receive any more letters, and the secret remained unresolved. I would say hello for every case.

Shortly speaking, Vadik, you need to get it, so what is it?!))

It was 5 years ago. I brought my son to the kindergarten, and there the teacher asks me to clean their site, which for the night was filled with snow on my belt exactly, and my height is 195cm. I take a spade and go out to the venue and I understand that I will hurt to dig here, but then I got a brilliant idea of how to reduce my work and please the children. He began to dig passages in the form of a labyrinth. Somewhere in an hour managed and fled until they were forced to rework. And in the evening the educator was almost on her hands)) says the children when they went out to walk first frozen, and then with a whisper let's wear there barely for lunch and walk they began to walk much more willing until the spring))) and then somehow asked me what cartoons can be shown in the group in the evening, or they have a scarce choice, well I brought all the seasons of shrimp and shrimp of Sean. The children refused to go home in tears. In general, I had a huge authority then, indeed among the puzzles, but nevertheless.

In the universe played in “What? Where is? When is?“We had a very important tournament. It lasted two days. The first day we played, everything was fine, by the evening I had a temperature of 39. My parents told me I’t go anywhere tomorrow. And to replace no one, the application was submitted in advance, and I played well - I did not want to undermine the team. In general, in the morning I waited until my parents left, took pills and ran for a game. But this is not the point, as is clear from the title of the post. I went home, the temperature was again high, I went to bed, the cup was hidden under the bed. It looks like the mission is accomplished! Noooo tournament was shown on local TV, and how I was excited when my parents arranged the evening in front of the television and got, as it was, on this plot!

Late March, I go to work for my son to kindergarten, a little late.

I watch a car beating, a Toyota Mark 2, a girl driving, a car in a track buried. I approached her, shrugged her hand to the back, back, and then immediately forward. The car is heavy, rear drive. And so in the crack, 3-4 times pushed out. The accident caught me, I went along the house, I followed. It runs 60 meters and parks. I get out of the car...and from the passenger seat comes a guy, stronger than me.

I was at a guest house with a comrade, and that two-year-old daughter is enthusiastically sucking the tip of the dog's tail. Okay I ask?

Yes, he says, let the immune system develop.

You might think that the father is a pofigist, but then there was a lecture about acquired immunity and somatic hypermutation of antibodies. Dad is a doctor of biological sciences, and has written a bunch of papers on genetics.

However, at one time he struck me that he picked up the sausage that fell on the pearl and ate it. But we were on a trip, and there every grain is a vitamin. After the trip, I learned to do that too.

12 years ago, the wife of a cousin died, leaving him a widow with two children, but this is not the case. Everyone of course helped as much as he could, and he himself received higher ZP than in the region. The children did not need it. The first year to them in the apartment regularly went from the guardianship service, etc., checked the living conditions of the children. And they ask the younger, “Are you all enough, Jura?” And he took it and grinned, yet sadly, like this: "Everything is fine, but here the milk would be a little..."



That’s what it’s like to remember today, the milk.

Last summer I walked in a garage with a motorcycle. Suddenly a guy. He says:

Do you have a pump? I am here from the houses opposite (three hundred meters). I return in 20 minutes.

I give him my favorite foot pump. It is 2 hours and there is no pump. I was upset, realized that I was sick, and left. In the evening I come, the guard calls me:

You were asked to give a pump, a bottle of beer and a thousand apologies...I was so offended that I thought badly about a man.

The fate of a person is often determined by both the judge and the prosecutor. But does anyone determine the existence of conscience and honour of unjudgmental judges and prosecutors?

Ivan Ivanovich was awake. In principle, the day has started well. When you are a hundred and eighteen years old, wake up. The first thing was the technical examination: the left eye was blurred - it works, then the right eye was dim. It was washed, tapped, like new. He has bent everything that is wretched, that is not wretched, he has lubricated. I checked the front and rear, diagnosed the neck. Having been convinced that everything was turning and crumbling, he made two floods, three floods, and started a new day.

At eight o’clock he was called from the Pension Fund.
– Lidochka, hello, – he shouted joyfully in the telephone.
- And you goodbye, Ivan Ivanovich, - sadly greeted him Lidochka, - how do you feel?
“I can’t complain,” the old man smiled at the telephone.
“I’m very sorry, Ivan Ivanovich, because of you, I have the fifth excuse this year! Today it is 30 years since you stopped receiving the savings pension and moved to the state!
Well forgive me. This month, I heard the promotion?
“Yes, promotion... her voice became as sad as that of Piero, and you, for a while, do not work anywhere? She decided to try her luck.
Unfortunately, I have enough money in my head.
— Sorry... All you... — she didn’t finish the sentence and put the phone on.

At nine o’clock Ivan Ivanovich sat down for breakfast with his grandson, who did not live with him, but always opened the door with his key. When he entered, he usually did the first thing to measure. The kitchen will move, the bathroom. Then he sits - calculates the materials, pretends the cost of the work, paints the furniture.

I came here today without a roulette, I forgot.

“Take a servant,” Ivan Ivanovich suggested, “there’s still something left of your grandfather,” he sadly sneezed and poured the boiler into the tea.
The man only breathed hard and sat down to eat the famous ancestor’s egg.

At ten o’clock the old man went out to smoke at the entrance.

Oh Oh! Ivanych, you are smiling again! And you know what smoking causes... a neighbor looked at a very living old man who started smoking at the age when they normally die from what “causes.”
We met in Moscow today.
What to do there?
We ride the subway, we go to the Red Square, we look at Lenin until we are buried.
Look at him like Lenin.
Did you see him yourself?
He came to us in the village.
In the grave?! to
and no. In the cup.
Listen, how old are you at all?
Eighteen years old, the old man chewed the filter with his lips.
Go you go!
I stayed for a second term.
At the age of you!
With these words, Ivanovich returned home.

At eleven the director of the MTS called and tearfully asked to change the tariff. The one on which Ivan Ivanovich was sitting existed only because of him and in terms of modern money was not worth anything, even the opposite, MTS paid him a little extra.

At half-third, an old friend called on the video and said that a strange woman in black came to him with a trimmer in his hands.
Someone squeezed, all on the nerves. I asked her why she didn’t answer her calls. Why don’t you read messages on WhatsApp? asked for a meeting. She cried, hysterized, left her visit card and... the trimmer march, he pointed to the instrument in the corner.

At five o’clock Ivan Ivanovich appeared in the store. On the birthday, the hypermarket offered a discount equal to the age. Ivan Ivanovich took a cake, a kilogram of bananas and a broad-format TV. He called for taxis and truckers.

At seven o’clock they called from the morgue and asked to finally get their insurance policy and backpacks.

At eight, the guests came, Ivan laid on the table, turned on a new TV, spilled wine. The toasts were very spicy. The guests did not know what to want, so they just stood up in turn.

At ten o’clock the police arrived to ask for silence, as older people live behind the wall. The door was opened by a man, causing the guards a paradoxical shift in perception.

Ivanovich slept closer to midnight, when exhausted by the celebration, most of the guests went to their homes and hospitals. Smiling in the emptiness, he removed from his finger and placed under his pillow a magical golden ring, which all these years extended his life. It was engraved in small letters with a magical inscription, made on the order of the wife before her departure: "Live for us two." He did so.

c) Alexander Rain

The entire weekend did not work the base of GIBDD, the mol flooded. And these people promise us the transition to electronic passports.