A colleague of work told me about his father. He came for lunch, his wife poured a plate of soup on him and is doing his business. Lunch is over and my husband is going to work. Iris, why didn’t you eat? You didn’t give me a spoon! I went to work knocking the door.

This story happened in July 2011. I flew from Vladivostok with a transplant to Beijing, and as usual, all the circumstances intensified not in my favor.



First, the flight Vladivostok-Avia delayed almost two hours, and this, given that I had only 4 hours to transfer, turned out to be very critical. Secondly, without announcing the reason, our flight was sent to land not at the International (international terminal), but in the home, where only domestic Chinese flights arrive, which also played a wicked joke with me.



Well, about everything in order.



Our flight is landing – for some reason, instead of a stand, the customs are released into the common hall and they say – wait. There are Chinese trucks around, and NO ONE speaks Russian or English. I somehow picked up a decently dressed Chinese woman, she turned out to be a stewardess from our same flight, she found another Chinese man who explained to her that our flight had come to the wrong place, because their runway is being repaired, and soon the authorities will come and deal with us. I began to squeeze on this comrade, showing the print of the armor, and say, you do what you want, my plane will leave in two hours.

He took me with him to the customs office, then someone else, I explain to them again, they take me by the hand, lead me to the stand, where only the Chinese were checked, there I get a Chinese stamp in my passport, and they say, this is a permit to enter China for 24 hours and go where you want ))))) Parallel to it, I learn that my suitcases between terminals nobody will go, and in the best case I will get them at the destination in a few days, and in the worst - I will never see.

So, mission one accomplished – Dobbi free, mission two – you need to urgently pull out your suitcases.



I run to the first floor of the airport, hoping to find a stand for at least one Russian airline, but, as it turned out, they are not there - because it is a domestic airport, not an international! Here I see a small shop, like China Travel, or how, well, a travel agency, I run there, and-o happiness! The woman inside speaks more or less English. I explain her the problem, her eyes expand, with one question, dear, and how did you get here? She catches me by the hand and we run around to the neighboring building, where we just unloaded our suitcases from our flight. I run there, the picture, in the middle of the terminal is a tractor with a trailer, and on the trailer, a package of 200 pieces of suitcases... We are trying to explain half by half that I need to take my suitcases, on which a Chinese ruler with an absolutely infantile appearance pulls his hand on the trailer and says, well, take where yours is here ))))))) Luckily, the suitcases were found in just five minutes, and I am happy, I will jump back, again bypassing all the customs officers, who are just not there ))))



I asked the woman how to thank her, for which she asked me to sell her dollars, because her daughter is soon going to study abroad, I agreed, and sold her $ 50 at an absolutely robbery rate – for 250 yuan )))))



The same woman led me out of the terminal, and said that there is a bus, it costs 10 yuan and goes to the international terminal, but the bus was long to wait, and we agreed with the taxi driver that he will take me very quickly for 40 or 50... in general, as in Russia, "chef, let's fly, two counters!"



A taxi driver crashed into the road, and almost immediately stumbled into a traffic jamming. It does not eat!! I wore him, wore him, wore him, wore him, and there were 40 minutes left before landing. He rolls out for a meeting, and chased it.)))) Parallelly flashing the lightning and pressing on the clakson. Here I see — in the middle of the road in the split pocket stands a police officer next to his car, he stops my taxi driver, pulls him out of the car and begins to roar on him, wildly mowing his oak! What to do, what to do???! to



I run out of the car, I run to the police officer, and simply, pulling out a bunch of yuan from my pocket, and there was a bunch, this woman for some reason gave me a lot of small bills, but it all looked impressive, in general, I put that bunch of money in the pocket of the policeman's boiler, and woe to him, the airport, kicked! He leaves the taxi driver, and what next, I didn’t expect at all – WRUCK THE MICHAELS and MISS ahead of us, dispersing the drivers! We arrive at the entrance to the airport, and there are shlagbaums and a row of those who want to pass... before landing 30 minutes. This same policeman turns and goes to the other side, and masters us, behind me, I know the road! We follow him, so he goes to the exit from the airport with a flashlight, and stands up under the shlagbaum. From there, by a loud communication, something is said to him in Chinese, in response, he cries a matyugalnik and also begins to say something, that is, cries ))))) Schlagbaum opens, and we go to the airport )))))



Well, then it is no longer interesting - running down the floors, looking for your gate (by the way, the airport is so huge that you had to go inside the train), all in the soap ran literally under the closure of the door, well, and flew safely )))))

A wise man offends a fool by the very fact of his existence.

A guy stands on the box and puts five bottles of red on the tape. 5 bottles of white. Two pink ones. 4 of Champagne. One of the “Martini”. and two cognac. Three cups of vodka. At the end, there are seven bags of cat food. The man behind asks:
Birthday of a cat?

I don’t understand your striptease. If I wanted to spend the evening with a woman, give her a bunch of money and not fuck, I would stay at home with my wife.

Xxx: I have had a photo on VKontakte for 12 years. Because I’m an adult, I don’t care what’s going on.

Yyy: the old

At 35 life just begins. (I run in tears to measure the pressure)

The smaller a man, the greater his mania of greatness!

How much do we know about the world and how little about ourselves! We know nothing about our younger sisters.

A few years ago I decided to have chickens. Six week-old chickens settled in my basement in a huge cardboard box, paved with pine pins and heated by a powerful red lamp. They grew up and I had a great pleasure watching them. From time to time I put them in unexpected objects: a ball from which delicious seeds sprang, or a brick on which you could jump and get closer to freedom. They successfully solved all the tasks set before them and loved to compete who would reach the red arrow of the thermometer. When they were able to drop the thermometer, they ran and shouted, “Nude! GooOol!“They pulled each other’s wings.

When the warm spring weather settled, the furry chickens turned into bird-collar teenagers, and the box in the basement became tight to them. By this time, I had completed the chicken house and enclosed the spacious grove with a grid of stainless steel, buried almost a meter deep to protect against all sorts of predators.

They did not master for a long time, and in about an hour they were chasing each other after each other, sharing the captured worms.

At dawn, I pushed them one by one down the stairs into the chicken store. In the dark, chicken metabolism slows down, they become anxious, almost helpless, and seek shelter.

The next day, all six women were satisfied. When they are dissatisfied, it is heard for the verstu.

Then came the darkness of the second day. That’s why I am writing all this. Five chickens safely climbed the stairs into their chickens. But one of the two red headsets brown failed. And here she runs and runs around and screams anxiously, and the rest look at her through the windows and door and also scream, "Let's go here! Go to me soon, fool. It becomes dark!“”

And here, overcoming the fear and instinct of self-preservation, a rude araucana jumps out of the chicken, and begins to jump up and down the stairs. I didn’t immediately realize that she was showing red to use this ladder. And when I understood it, the little girl lost her patience and just kicked the red up, into the chicken, and eventually pushed her there.

This chicken roar of celebration will forever remain in my ears.

All tribes have totems: eagles, wolves, foxes, snakes, bears. They symbolize power, cunning, and aggression. My totem is a small chicken that will come to help, no matter what.

The shortage of doctors was solved by the free distribution of white coats on the streets.

Once I had a date. I spent it quite successfully, and therefore went to the girl at a visit. Fortunately, she lived right above the building. It’s comfortable, you won’t argue.

So here. I am allergic to dogs. We come to her, and there... well you understood. The kissing began immediately, so I went ahead and asked for a glass of water to drink a pill. I drank anti-allergic and went on without worrying.

We meet in a few days. After a short conversation we begin to the most important and already in bed we have a dialogue:

Have you taken a pill?

and no. Why Why?

Well... Okay...

Everything went great if not one “but”. A while later, he writes:

Don’t take any pills, you don’t need them.

We are surrounded by the environment and the soul requires Sunday.

After school, Yuri, together with his future bride Svetka, went to study in Moscow, and in the fourth grade decided to schedule. At first they wanted to be quiet, but the parents were upset. Everything in the village is human. You are there in your city, but you go on your heads, and we have a wedding in the village.
At the wedding, Juric and Svetka invited several classmates, including two blacks, Misha and Sasha. Misha and Sasha spoke Russian quite tolerantly, but never left Moscow, and they treated the idea a little cautiously. But eventually they were persuaded, promising to show a real Russian wedding. “Even for a day!” So for a day.
When black people were seen, the population of the village experienced a cultural shock. Negroes then and in the capital were exotic, that is to say about the Russian depth. Misha and Sasha from the abundance of attention also felt not quite in their plate. Therefore, while the tables were covered in the courtyard, black guests, so as not to confuse under their feet and create an unhealthy agitation among the neighbors, they sat in the kitchen to drink tea.
At this time, the future mother-in-law, the mother of the bridegroom, was choosing snacks at the table. She cautiously closed the cover of the cellar behind her so that in the turmoil no one would give god to step down and not break her neck.
Taking full hands of the bottles, she climbed the stairs, opened the cover of the basement with her head, and saw two pairs of legs right in front of her nose. He raised his eyes and slowly dropped the cover back. There were two black men up there.
Sasha and Misha were also slightly shocked when the floor under their feet rose, and from there a female head appeared. But they were warned in advance, if they saw something unusual, nothing to be surprised, and to pretend that it is necessary. So Sasha and Misha continued to drink tea with sugar at a snack.
And the future mother-in-law went down back into the basement, sat down on the staircase, and began to be baptized. After a while, she decided that she felt. “Per the pressure is jumping, all the hell is melting,” she thought, and decided to do another attempt.
When she raised the cover for the second time, the two black men didn’t just disappear, they readily jumped up, and said in broken Russian, “Hello!”
After dropping the cover, the future mother-in-law returned to the basement, and this time decided not to go anywhere until they were found.
In the meantime, everything was ready for the start of the celebration, except for a small break. The girlfriend’s mother disappeared. They were looking for it everywhere and could not find it anywhere. They looked into the kitchen seven times, but except for two blacks drinking the eighth cup of tea, there was nobody there. Finally, Sasha and Misha, concerned about the mess, pointed to the cover of the cellar and that "there" is hiding a woman.
The mother of the bridegroom was pulled out of the cellar, and introduced Sasha with Misha. Sasha and Misha even let her touch themselves. Thank God they did not know about the Russian sign of fear of the dead.
In short, the incident was exhausted, the guests sat down at the tables, and the fun began. And when they drank at the third, all racial prejudices dissolved by themselves.
Sasha and Misha a popularity at the table almost as much as even the bridegroom with the bride. Everyone wanted to drink with them, take pictures, and get friends.
In the evening, all who were still able to load into the collective bus "Kuban" and went to the district center to accompany Sasha with Misha to the station, at night they had a train to Moscow. No matter how many of them were persuaded to stay, they only regretted to shake their shoulders and show back tickets.
With songs, harmonies, and the bell of glasses, they drove to the district center, landed Sasha with Misha, said goodbye, and also went back with fun.
At the station, two blacks immediately attracted the attention of the police. Not so much for official necessity as for curiosity, two police officers asked two not quite sober blacks to present documents, and asked the purpose of their arrival.
At the wedding? The police were surprised. So why are you leaving then? You have not seen the wedding. At a Russian wedding, the most interesting thing happens on the second day. The skulls will beat, the ravenous, the bride will steal. You are giving!
The Negroes regretted not being left. But it was late, the last bus from the district departed an hour ago.
And we did not rush to the houses of guests, loaded the death of a drunk harmonist, and when we finally reached the house of the bridegroom, we were surprised to find that a militia "uazik" stands near the calice, and in the courtyard behind the table, among others, Sasha and Misha are sitting in a picture with two police officers, and pull in four throats:
The crown crown! The horny crown! What are you going on with me!

The government is doing its best, but the people are alive.

I work in a taxi and I get another order. I come to the place, the customer goes out, calls the final address. Next I am I, P is the passenger.

I: I know this house, interesting architecture.

A normal house.

I: Well don’t say, a house with two arches is one in the city.

Q: With which other two arches?

I: Well, there are two arches in this house.

Q: I have lived in this house for 6 years, there is one arch.

We go on quietly, I think maybe I was wrong, maybe confused with some other house? Immersed in their thoughts, they unnoticedly approached home. And then the client gives: God, in my house there are really two arches, so many years I live and have not noticed.

An optimist is a person who thinks that a deadlock is a temporarily blocked exit.

It was called “the art of war”.
My old friend divorced my wife. His son was already an adult, so there were no problems with the children, he just picked up his socks and left. He then had a room in the public office, left from his grandmother, closed standing, and decided to live there until everything was shaken. He comes somehow to me, weakened, condemned, and complains.
- You understand, there is only one neighbor, a woman of thirty years old, with a child - a kindergarten, a terribly shy grandmother.
- You hardly go there, you work in turn, you get to sleep and that's all.
That is the matter. She told me the first day that if I didn’t sell her room for three pennies, she’t let me live here anyway. Especially after the night is bad, the metal is full, it is impossible to fall asleep. In the afternoon, the music shakes the walls. I will kill her.
Why to kill? I live for two weeks.
A bad world is always better than a good war, so I solved this question for only 230 rubles. by 200 rub. Bank of nitro paint and 30 rubles. the chest. He and I started painting the entrance door to his room from the side of the corridor once every two days. The acetone smells so lovely, where there is Chanel. In winter, you can’t open the windows. The neighbor and the eagle, and the district called - so we do not disturb anything. Ten days later, a neighbor threw a white flag.

You live in a superpower – keep up!

xxx: I don’t know if you need this information, but there was a post with a porn category analysis. Therefore, gay in our country is most accumulated in Chechnya.

YYY: What if you understood what these pids look like, brother.

I felt weakness. Rarely well done!

My neighbor has a grandfather. No, not so though. My neighbor has a grandfather. With a big letter. The veteran. The real. The warrior. This year 99. He still drives the car. God give him health.
Five years ago, my grandson and I bought a new car. Modern machines do not last long. My grandfather knows it.) I went to the car salon. Everything is there as it is. We chose, then this, color, options, dopes. Go to insure, immediately in the salon. A girl with a computer. How are they called? The year of birth? My grandfather answered: one thousand nine hundred twenty one. He kills the computer. During the driving? My grandfather replied: Seventy-three years old. She kills, the computer counts and instead of the usual 30-70 thousand suddenly gives the sum of six thousand with pennies.
At this point in the story, I wondered if the corporate programmers of insurance companies are heating up something human? But then it was even more interesting...
The girl looks at the result and is stupid. I grit here recently, I need to contact the head office, clarify. She calls to the office, there she is connected with the local boss, he penetrates, asks to turn on a loud call. Their dialogue with grandfather.
Chief: Sorry, there is a mistake here...What year of birth do you say?
Grandfather twenty one.
How about driving?
Seventy three years.
What is the first car of which brand?
and tank. The T-34
The boss saw, too, a loud communication was turned on, because the dynamic heard the applause of the department.
After a second's reflection, the boss gave instructions to the girl:
Give him insurance!

Thanks to our grandparents for the victory!