Xxx: What is the name of when you lie, but you want to lie even stronger?

Yyy: The Mushroom

I have a friend who works as a nurse in Morga. Contrary to popular opinion, he is a very fun and sociable guy. He loves to gather friends for a joke xD Jokes about "joke from work" will not laugh anyone.

Here is the story he told him after drinking another portion of beer:

He went to the local market for meat. It is hot in the market in June. In the meat row stands a sellers aunt, pulling Hunting Strong. Next dialogue (D is a friend, P is a seller):

Q: Can I have fresh meat?

Q: It’s all fresh!

D: Aunt, I work in the morga, I know very well which meat is fresh and which is not.

Aunt presses a beer and gets really fresh meat from underneath the counter. Since then, it has only been purchased. He says he also gives discounts sometimes.

At three o’clock at night, a man (m) writes to me on the air.

Q: Hi, do you sell a straw?

I: Well yes.

M is OK. You are comfortable if I come to you now.

I look at a friend, on an undrunk beer: okay, come

The man comes drunk, but in the costume, you can see that he is not craving. Taking the ointment.

Sorry for the curiosity. Why do you need a sting in the middle of the night?

M: I argued with my friends that in half an hour I will find a snail and bring it to the bar...

In response to Navalny's "Smart Voting" project, the Russian authorities will launch their own program "Smart Vote Count".

In the summer of 1981, a phone call was heard in the apartment of the young but already super-successful Soviet composer Alexander Jourbin.
In the USSR, a member of the Congress of Mexico came as part of a delegation. The Soviet Union had views of Mexico, so it played and tried to charm different figures from this developing country as much as possible.
The Mexican woman was asked - what would she be interested in seeing in the Soviet Union, who to meet?
The deputy replied that in her youth she was engaged in music and she would be interested in learning how things are in the Soviet Union in this branch of the national economy.
It was decided to show the goods with the face. The most suitable for the charm of the MPs recognized Jourbin - 36 years old, a member of the CPSU, at the time the author of 6 musicals, 3 operas (including the first Soviet rock opera "Orpheus and Eurydice"), 2 symphonies and several concerts for piano with an orchestra. This is not counting the many songs and melodies to the movies.
At the appointed time, a member of the parliament arrived in the apartment, accompanied by an interpreter and an accompaniment.
We met and drank tea. Jourbin, which is called, laid off his tail and told about all his achievements.
The shocked deputy listened with her mouth open about rock operas and symphonies, and was forced to admit that there was nothing like this in Mexico. Jourbin played several of his melodies at the piano.
Deputy, which is called “was captured”.
Finally, Jourbin recalled that his guest also had something to do with music and offered her to play something.
The deputy refused, saying that in no way could she even think of sitting behind the instrument after the great Jourbin, because his rock opera was played (think only!) Approximately 2,000 times.
After such gracious words of the guests, Jourbin went to the box office, got one of his plates, wrote and endowed it with a deputy.
But Jourbin tolerantly insisted.
The man finally surrendered. When I was young, I wrote a song. I will fulfill it for you now.
The Mexican sat down for the instrument and played. And even sang.
A ringing silence. All three Soviet comrades lost their jaw.
Jourbin joked something about what he considered this song a folk song. But not. The author of the melody and words sat behind his piano with his own person.
It was Consuelo Velázquez.
And her B.

Why is Rosneft not a foreign agent? The shareholders are foreigners, the board of directors are foreigners. Revenue in foreign currency from foreign counterparties. Where is logic?

Even making mistakes in a person must be in their favour.

If Coley and Olli were asked on that day, “What is the shortest month in the year?” they would have answered, “Honeymoon.” Only four months after it began, when Olya finally first had a need for a dress (at least for the weekend), they and Kolya left their room in the dormitory, holding in their hands a slice of a fortress, bought by the young man for the wedding in a fold-in by all the students and teachers of his home school, and headed to the female fortress Perelmutter.

On that day, Cole knew exactly that his wife was the most beautiful woman in the world, Olya knew exactly that her husband was the noblest and smartest man, and they both did not know the female messenger Perelmutter at all, so without thinking they pressed the button of his doorbell.

and a! He cried out to the prostitute, opening the door. And finally! — screamed this rapist, similar to composer Ludwig van Beethoven, what a brilliant musician is painted on portraits in that period of his life, when he was very old, a little crazy and himself is already deaf from his music.

Do you see Rome? Perelmutter continued, addressing someone in the depths of the apartment. By the way, they are customers! And they still came! And you also told me that after I shaved the hood for Madame Lisogorskaya four years ago, no one of the sensible will come to me!

“We’re with you about the dress,” Koala began. We were told...

Do you hear Rome? He was broken by the Perelmutter. They told me that the dress was for me. Thank you God! There are normal people on earth. I thought everybody was mad. Only you can hear around you: “Carden!”, “Dior!”, “Lagerfeld!”... Who is this Lagerfeld, I ask you? He cooked the porridge, entering the collar. He is dressed as the Queen of England. No, please, if you want your wife at her young age to look like the Queen of England now, you can go to Lagerfeld!

“We can’t go to Lagerfeld,” calmed the crooked Cole.

This is your great happiness! In turn, he reassured her.

“Because, unlike Lagerfeld, I can really make your wife a queen. And not any English! A real queen of beauty. Well, now for work... But first the last question: do you know what a dress is? be silent! You can not answer. Now you will tell me: rushes, wraps, pulls... Erunda! Maybe even Lagerfeld. The dress is completely different.

The dress, young man, is first and foremost a piece of matter, created to shut down everything we lose from a woman and to open up everything we win from her. Do you understand my thought?

The lady has beautiful legs. So we sew it something very short and thus win on our legs. Or, let’s say, she has ugly legs, but a beautiful bust. Then we sew her something long. In other words, we close her legs. But we open the bust, emphasize it and win already on the bust. And so to the infinite... Well, in this case, — the carpenter looked closely at Olya, — in this case, I think, we will not open anything at all, but we will, on the contrary, sew something very strict, absolutely closed from the neck and to the feet!

What is “totally closed”? I picked Cole. What will we then win?

In the colour! I joyfully cried out. “These raspberries on the green background you brought to me, I think, are very cute! - And, having picked up his crush meter, he began to skillfully measure Olya, writing something into the notebook.

“No, wait,” said Cole, “something I don’t quite understand!” Do you think that in this case we can no longer open anything at all? For example, what do you like with your legs? Do you think they are too thin or too fat?

— What about here? — replied the prostitute, without breaking off from work. Is this the matter? The legs can be thin, can be thick. After all, different women have different legs. And that is good! It is worse when they are different in one...

Something something? I picked Cole.

Maybe we’ll get out of here, right? He asked Olga.

“No, wait,” her husband stopped. What are you saying, dear? How are they different? Where is?! to

“Look at me,” said the prostitute. Do you not see that the right leg of your charming wife is much more massive than the left? She is more muscular...

He looked at Cole. What does that mean, Olga? Why didn’t you tell me anything about it?

What was talking here? I was upset that. In school I jumped a lot. He defended the sporting honor of the class. My right leg is shaken.

Well here! He solemnly shouted. What I am talking about! His left leg is normal. The human. On the right, it is clear that she is in a strong position. No is! This defect must be closed!

“Well, let’s say,” said Cole. And the bust?

And this too.

What too? Why is? To me, on the contrary, it seems that on her bust we can in this case... it... as you say there, very much win... So I absolutely don’t understand why we shouldn’t open it?

“You see, young man,” Perelmutter said, “if there were not a carpenter in my place, but, for example, a sculptor, he would have answered your question as follows: before you open any bust, it must at least be installed. I think you and I have the same problem. Do not be upset!

Think of it, Bust! Believe in the power of human imagination. We should correctly drape the fabric even what we have now, and the imagination of men easily drape under this fabric something that Mother Nature, with all its power, is unable to create. And this does not only apply to the bust. Take her face, for example. I, by the way, was always very upset about what the invention of ancient Eastern fashion designers, such as the...

So, do you suggest wearing a parapet on it? I was scared of Cole.

I didn’t say that...

“Cola,” said Olya, “let’s go anyway.

Stay still now! broke her husband. - I must, at the end of the day, figure it out... Listen... e... I don’t know your father-name... well, you persuaded me with a bust... Yeah, I see myself now... But what if we try to win, say, on her thighs?

That is how? Interested in the pork. Do you suggest opening them?

Well, why, you can, as you say there, emphasize... Make some extract...

— It is possible, — agreed the prostitute. - Only first will you emphasize where you see her thighs, and then I will make her an extract in this place. And in general, young man, stop rubbing my head with your foolish advice! You have already done your job. You are married. So you think your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Now my task is to convince at least a few more people. Yes, you too, lady, “Let’s go from here, let’s go!” If you want to be beautiful, be patient. All of. Today the work is finished. Samples in four days.

Four days later, the murderer Perelmutter met Kolya and Olya right on the stairs. His eyes shone.

Congratulations to you, young people! He was screaming. I have not slept for three nights. But, you know, I know what we will win in this case. Apart from color, of course. Really on your feet! Yes, not for everyone. Our right leg is, of course, pushed, but the left is normal. The human! So I propose a cut. on the left side. From the middle of the so-called thigh to the very floor. Do you understand?

And now you imagine the picture: a sunny day, you and your wife are walking on the street. She wears a new dress with a cut from Perelmutter. And everyone rejoices! Those around you – because they see your spouse’s luxurious left leg, and you – because they don’t see her less spectacular right! I think genius!

— Probably. — Axius agreed to Cole.

Listen to Rome! He screamed into the depths of the apartment. And he still doubts!

A few days later, Olya came to pick up her dress without Carly.

Where is your worthy husband? I asked Perelmouth.

– We’ve split up... – Olya whispered. It turns out, Cole did not expect me to have so many shortcomings.

Oh, that is what! She told the prostitute to invite her in. “Well,” said the carpenter, helping her get a really beautiful and very suitable dress. I didn’t like your ex-husband right away. We ladies have a blind eye on this. Think of the shortcomings! You may not be eighteen now. So, don't jump a year or two in height - and both of your legs will become exactly the same. And the hips and bust... If there is a market in our city "Privation"... In general, believe me, after some time you will still have to come up with the shortcomings. Because, frankly, we men only admire women’s merits. I love you... I don’t even know why. Maybe because of the shortcomings. My Roma, for example, had a huge number of them. Maybe that’s why I still love her as much as I did on my first date, even though she hasn’t been there for ten years.

How is it not? Olya was surprised. Who are you talking to all the time?

With her, of course. With whom else? And you know, this is exactly what I wanted to tell you about your ex-husband.
If a man really loves a woman, he cannot be separated from her even such a serious trouble as death! Not that there is a half-crazy parrot Perlemuter there...
Rome, am I right?

by Georgy Golubenko

Do you have a dream in your life?
Of course!
What is?
I want to watch the ballet “Lebovino Lake” on TV.
Oh my God! What is this dream? Turn on the “Culture” channel to watch...
I want to see it on all the TV channels!

Great work on the recovery of the country’s economy is decided to start with a big drunkenness on the May holidays.

If I had been a little more refined and intelligent, I would have written now, most likely so – I would have visited today in the caring legs of the homeland. But since I am a person of a simpler configuration, I also summarize less sophisticatedly – I, guys, was dealing with the rarest hernia today.

It all started with the fact that I scratched out of an analogue mailbox, which, by the way, I check very rarely, along with paper spam, notification of a custom mail on my name.
The trial was a terrible blast on a piece of paper, and I, mindfully overtaking all my crimes, went, in any case, pityfully dragging my leg, to receive this very letter to the mail.

In the mail, by the way, I also get very rarely, because somehow it happened that I use other delivery services, so I did some tour.
Good for the mail! You can easily buy a shrimp in a tomato sauce, it is placed directly on their bench, as well as a model of a mail machine, vermicell, sugar and vegetable oil of the middle price segment. Skannwords “Technin language” and the newspaper “AIDS-info”.
Okay, joke, there are no newspapers, but it’s a pity.

The walls, indeed, are all the same, scattered and painted in a man-hating, dirty-beige tone, but on one of them hangs now a screen on which an elegant line moves. and cultural! and progressive! It is innovative!
I took a pocket, received a sinister message, and opened the door.
A judge of our district court writes to me and reports that I am an evildoer and a scapegoat, and that the people of the ruler have filed a lawsuit against me for misconduct, and if I do not repay it within the specified time limit, it is ordered to deal with me dishonestly.
The amount of debt is worth. To be honest, not solid. Four hundred and sixty whole and seventy-eight copies above. A very large amount! Even with myself, before that I was a widespread gentleman.

Left away from my not very Slavic heart, I breathed out with relief. It is understandable! If it was for what I thought, then yes, and here - five hundred rubles all they want.
I grabbed my glasses (the damned computers killed my sick eye) I read - why is this for me. It turns out that he did not pay taxes three years ago for some real estate, which he had long since dropped from his balance sheet. How it came out, I did not understand, but the amount is not offensive, went to the bank. Why at the bank? Well, because the judge orders to bring a paper copy of the payment together with the original as proof of payment.

I came to the bank. There is good too! The walls are new, a pleasant green color, a cute girl explains everything to everyone, while offering to buy a silver coin in the shape of Crimea or a lottery ticket.
There is no gold? I ask the girl.
No, the girl replied sickly. Will you take the lottery?
I’m not lucky, sweetheart, in cards and other gambling, I say.
Well, so in love luck — sadly answers sweet and lags behind me, switching to the next client.

I am approaching my window, wearing a paper, yes, say, and so, I wish to pay with a guilty head, please accept cash. And the aunt on the back of the window and says to me in a human voice - it is not possible to do this, crash. The records you mistakenly printed, there is no payment for such details.

Okay... Okay! I am not a proud prince, I am a merchant. He swallowed, squeezed in his fingers and nodded to the lord's eye looking - the correct requisites to correct.
He came, removed the hat even without entering the fence, and left a sad and painful appearance on his face.
Immediately to see - when a man dies, and he tries! As if he had fallen, and he did not shake anything.

I walked through the cabinets – and they gave me the correct numbers. And why, I ask, the case came to court, why did they just not send a notification and waited three years?
And therefore, they answer me, you will know a lot — you will soon become old, you will lose the remnants of the already weak, let’s say, reason, you will begin to confuse the fundamental with the secondary and thin, you will die gloriously in the utmost forgetfulness. understandably?
How not to understand? Thank you for science. Thanks for the reception!

Why were the records initially incorrectly printed - not even started to bump. Obviously, they have so many things to do, not as small as me.

Back to the bank. Same, but a little more different. There the Crimea was not offered, but I personally saw a coin on the vitrine with Victor our Tsoi and Nicholas the Miracle Maker. She understands herself – I am neither of the one nor of the other – but it is very beautiful, of course. It looks brilliant and extremely rich. I approve of this!

I paid without adventure, I come to court. There is a guard in the latter! Naturally, two wives stand both in armoured jerseys. They are attacked by them, it is unclear what happened to the dracula, but he did not clarify the sin. Because I am already nervous about all the previous ones, and they clearly miss them. Where, I say, the judge, I brought him the payments. Now, they answer, you will have a judge.

The woman comes out strict in years and in a funeral dress. He looks at me, on papers and a terrible bass is interested - and where is the gentleman? There was a lady!
I answer her with the loudest voice, that the people of the ruler told me that if in time to repay everything voluntarily, without the use of clothes and oaks, then the government duty to pay - it is not necessary. It is not for what in such an arrangement of her, I pay for her birth.

The judge whispered badly at me, and went away, swallowing the folds of the dress somewhere in the depths of the office and there loudly, so that I could hear, to find out from someone unseen behind the door, whether my words are true. My words were confirmed by someone invisible, and they were added to my address some definition, which if desired could be taken for anti-Semitism, but I was not offended at all, because here everything is right.

The judge told me that my trial was closed, and I went out with the feeling of spending three hours in the light of God in vain, pure, impeccable and not worthy of anyone.
Honestly, it is not clear why they needed all this, because the papers and postal expenses and other charges clearly went out for a large amount. Why hasn’t there been any news for three years? And why all developing republics overseas billions are forgiven, and to me, because of the incomplete five hundred rubles, almost all the accounts were not blocked - the hell knows it.
Oh well okay. But even though the coins were beautiful, I visited the mail. Well, I generally felt that I didn’t care about my homeland, she remembers me and knows my address very well.
It is pleasant.

In the Kremlin a new motto - in any unclear situation to give for children 10 thousand and announce weekends on someone else's account.

In Florida, a law was passed on examination of the genitals of juvenile athletes



xxx: Hi, I'm a judge from Florida, send your wheelchair and I'll see if you're ready for the competition or not



A fucking you.



You are in the men’s competition!



Oh, you are the wicked one!

Great Russia, and serious affairs can only be entrusted to Petrov and Boshirov.

Effective response to employee delays

In my work, the management decided to effectively combat delays, although I will not say that everything was critical, in my department there were a total of 2-3 delays a month at all. They imposed fines:
Delay from 1 to 10 minutes 500 rubles
Delay of 11-30 minutes 1000 rubles
Delay of more than 30 minutes 5000 rubles.

At the same time, no matter if you slept or fell under the action of unbearable forces, the penalty will still be applied. The management believes that you have to anticipate all situations.
I live in a sleeping area and in case of an emergency the area gets into traffic jams. You can go, but for a long time.

So it happened to me somehow shortly after the introduction of the penalty system - an accident at one of the intersections colored the streets in red color on the navigator screen. I am standing in a traffic jamming and looking at the increasing time of arrival at work. In 10 minutes, the working day will start, and I have only walked a little bit of the road. And the navigator shows that the time of my journey has already accumulated not only on the penalty, but on the maximum. Until the working day comes, I call the boss and say, say, I have an emergency, I tearfully ask for my account today. In this regard, the boss always goes to meet us, you can write a statement in the back. She got good, turned around and went home.

My daily salary is less than the threatening fine. The effectiveness of the penalty system is simply overwhelming - it is cheaper for the employee to take a break and rest a day than to "pay" for the opportunity to work and bring profit to the company. But the leadership is enough - the delays have stopped. But, apparently, my scheme and other employees have been squeezed. The number of retreats increased. And I have been working out currencies from this realm of “efficiency and professionalism” over the last few days.

All the sounds, smells, colors in nature serve one purpose - to seduce!
Eat or eat, depending on the circumstances.

My daughter was in the first class, there was an ISO lesson that day. I take her from school, we go, we talk. She tells me, "Mommy, we painted a goose today, and one boy, in order to decorate it even more, cut off his hair and glued it so that it would be mocked, and we put him a pair.

How, how was it possible? ? to ? to He did not regret his hair, came up with five for his creative approach, non-standard thinking, creativity, just regret him.

Since then, between us, the underground name of this boy, goose)))

Years eight or nine I was, brought to the "children's world" of our military town assembly torpedo boats with an electric motor, worth 14 p.

The boat literally dreamed of me, the number of boxes with the boat in the store was aimed at the number zero, but my parents rejected my idea of buying because the self-lipped models were everything in the apartment (on the ceiling, under my feet, in the servant), and the price at the time was bite.

I lost my rest, there were three boxes with boats left, and eventually decided to go out of the store in pieces.

Waited when the sellers would go into the box, went into the box without opening and pulled out the electric motor (the first thing that got under his hand), left the store, from the adrenaline until the skin smoked, he ran home without touching the ground.

The next day, my dad took me to the store, behind the boat, and I still hired it. There was one box left on the shelf, I almost lost consciousness from joy, shaken by anticipation.

The vendors packed the box to check the completeness, look, and there is no motor. We did not sell the boat.

My emotions on the way home could not be described in words.

Then I thought deeply about my actions and their consequences.

The teacher was stolen.

Fairly and honestly the fate dealt with me.

Xxx: Once, when the hryvnia was introduced, and it was even heavier in value, I bought my first glasses for my money. It cost 30 hryvnia. I go, look at the sides, surprised by the dramatically improved resolution of the surrounding world. There... the grass is not just green, and the grasses are separate... the asphalt is not just gray, but has a complex facture, with different shades and different shades... op-pa. money... on the asphalt. of 50 grams. So in the first half an hour, the glasses paid off. It was not a small amount.

Xxx: And I once really ran away from the man so, and he ran straight after me.

I came back in the evening from work, I crossed the courtyard, headed to my entrance and I see a black figure moving toward me through the courtyard (winter, late evening, it is pretty dark in the courtyard). I accelerate the step and on the move I get the keys (it saved me in the end that I got them before I went into the entrance), the figure accelerates too, in the end I quickly type the code on the entrance door, but the gateway was long (i.e. There were no options to stop and pull her onto yourself), and the figure is already very close and I already understand that it is moving intentionally towards me. I open the door of the entrance and fly up the stairs, live on the fourth floor, run and pray that the castle in the door this time does not come in!!! A man blows behind me, between us two passes, I fly to the door (keys in hand!!!) between me and this shit one pass, I insert the key, turn - the lock worked!!! I fly into the apartment and clamp the door naturally in front of his nose and immediately on the inner claw - outside the pin on the door, then the silence.

How I trembled after – not to pass on, I called my best friend and they and my husband came to pick me up, just couldn’t be there alone that night. Until now, as I remember the feeling that I may have just escaped death – as if I run down that staircase again and pray for the castle to work.