The weapon for duellists in Russia of the 21st century is shit.

I want to tell you about my first daughter.

A brilliant woman, a pediatrician. Assistant at the Department of Child Diseases. “Doctor from God.” Everyone whose children were treated with her remained grateful. The candy and flowers were just sweetened.

In addition to experience, she had a passionate desire to learn new things, they read special medical literature and studied for a lifetime.

The father-in-law, like the first wife, was a gift to me, a former worker. I, a lover and fan of rock, went to the opera for the first time and discovered its charm. I was practically taught about culture. I am very grateful to my first mother-in-law for all this effort.

Interesting things started at the wedding. What a wedding could have been in 1982, when my aunt was a doctor, my parents were working. Everything is very modest. They celebrated in the apartment, invited a person 25-30 closest relatives and friends. My ancestors demanded a battalion. It was the strength of the older generation. It didn’t work, I invited only my aunt with the acordeon.

He had friends, a family of opera singers. The head of the family, Gleb, was the first bass in our regional opera. Great man, big, thick and very kind. He even went to La Scala for an internship.

The wedding began and went on. They drank, ate, shouted “bitterly”, again drank. Then the songs went under the accordeon. Nothing predicted surprises. And here the maid asks Gleb to sing. He refuses almost categorically - the type I did not drink, the room is small, etc. I don’t know how, but she convinced him. Gleb stood up and sounded like a thunderstorm with the bass “Under the St. Petersburg”. He was sitting in front of us, young people. His wife, also a singer in the opera, sang, the acordeonist tried to play. But I did not hear anything or anyone else but him. How we didn’t break the buttocks, I don’t even know. Even the glasses in the windows trembled. The impression was that no words of the type of “foolish” would be able to convey it. And the applause. very beautiful. Thank you very much, it will remain in my memory for a lifetime.

The next day, everyone in the courtyard asked, “What did you have there?”

In 1983, we had a daughter, and in 1984, they wanted to rest - they ran south. And the mother-in-law stayed with the little child while we were “resting.” He had relatives in the south. When we passed by, we went to one of her relatives – I tried wildlife there for the first time. The oldest was a hunter and they had a crab. It is not comparable to any pork.

Then we moved to Juba, where other relatives lived. They had an apartment and, in addition, a house on the coast, which was rented, rooms. They gave us a room there. 300 meters to the sea. They lived for their pleasure - swimming, sunbathing, even riding with relatives on a shale and after a hive somewhere in the mountains. It is called Aikido. Kizila was also picked up. I have never eaten cheesecake again in my life.

There was a funny incident too. One (or maybe two, I don’t remember) room was taken by a family of Azerbaijanis. Ahmed, the head of the family, wife and six or seven children, was younger. Comfort on the street and on all filmers. A little annoyed the Muslim custom of not using paper, but only water and sand. Especially a lot of children. No matter how you go to the toilet - there is almost no dirt, everything is flooded, there is always a possibility to slip and fall. Even though the sand helped a little)))

But this is all nonsense, small household inconvenience, to which everyone closed their eyes. Ahmed was constantly missing in the market. I don’t know who he was there, but it doesn’t seem to be the last person. When we gathered for the shale, we came to the market and found Ahmed. He took us to the meat seller and told him something in Azerbaijani. Even our relatives were amazed and said that such meat to buy in the market is simply impossible.

And then one day, closer to the evening, something happened to one of Ahmed's children, whether he was poisoned or just a flu, I don't know. At home he was not, his wife in Russian is not a boom boom, runs, cries, and nobody understands anything. We try to explain to her that you need to call an ambulance, even by gestures, and she in response - no, no. Without a husband. I ran to the market to look for Ahmed, the good was not far away. Running, grabbed the first Caucasian hit by the chest – where is Ahmet? He immediately showed. He explained the situation to Ahmed and went home with him. He called the ambulance, the child was taken and healed later.

The next day we went out to the yard, where the table was large. At the table are Ahmed and another Azerbaijani. “Jura,” said Ahmet, “sit with us.” I sat down. On the table appeared 2 bottles of good vodka and still stood a plate with some salad or snack, I don't know.

You helped me, I should at least serve you. Sit down and drink with us.

“You have nothing to eat,” I smiled.

Oh you are wrong. This is the best breakfast, and I showed it on the plate.

I don't know what it was, something terribly spicy, but after this snack you forget that you drank vodka. I want to breathe fire and pour water into that fire.

We normally made friends with him, although I was 23, and he was 40, maybe more.

At any resort there is a multinational and multi-religious company, which is not surprising. And sometimes even the Armenians asked me, “Why are you friends with Azer? He is a Muslim.” And I didn’t care, then the brotherhood of all peoples was at the head of the corner.

We returned, rested, burned and satisfied. The mother-in-law was a shadow.

She turned out to have a deep hunger. Of course, the doctor could not just get into this. She studied all the necessary literature, the processes of entry and exit from this hunger strike. Everything went well (not everyone has it). He even cured some of his chronic diseases.

But when we came back, we were very ashamed. After all, they actually abandoned a small child to a man who went on such a terrible thing. She endured everything. She took care of the child and took herself out of mortal danger.

Most interestingly, she then wrote several articles in medical journals and became a recognised nutritionist in the city. Respect the entire medical community. Just because she did it all on herself, not whispered just like that.

I still respect her, she’s 80 this year. Thank you Alevina Ivanovna. Long years of life and health.

stupid dumb ones! Missed the task! Did you think with your head or your ass? Get rid of yourself now – according to a new legend you are two pido...
Comrade General...
to postpone! You are tourists and point!! to

I had lunch with a friend who had just arrived. His distant relative is a police officer in San Francisco and he told an extremely funny story about the trend associated with iPhones and new smartphones.



Further from his face:



Previously, when we caught, say, drug dealers, we tried to hack locked phones to get along with accomplices or, if it was a mercenary, customers. It was always hard and cost a lot of money even if the password was simple. Not one criminal said it voluntarily and we had to track calls through operators, that he was still a gamer or hack the entire phone.



However, after iPhones with fingerprints, it became easier because many criminals kept their fingerprints to open the phone and after a maximum of 20 attempts the phone was opened. We just stupidly tried all the fingers on our hands and feet. That many passed through and it happened that they specifically injured the right fingers during the delay, so that we could not open the phone and waste time hacking.



But after FaceID things went easy. You just take the detainee and direct a phone to him, which immediately opens up. So, a week ago, we arrested a cool but stupid dealer, and he, if we could not open his iPhone X, stumbled around the table on the site. The nose broke and a couple of teeth spit out... However, the iPhone still "recognized" him and he burned all his shareholders without wanting to : -)



Thanks to the technology :)

Over the years, you forget more and more, and learn less and less. It is very uncomfortable: wisdom will come and you will sit as a fool.

My friend is upset:
"Imagine my daughter brought the bridegroom to introduce me and Lenka.
She is 19 and he is 30. Maybe the man is normal. In the evening, they come to the house on the Beagle X6. It looks like a standard guaranteed.
And from the conversation I learn that he lives in the seed of Khrushchev, he is in credit and the child is still from another marriage. I’m telling the man, lose that shit. Don’t lose because he has a child (it’s life) but because he, a fool, instead of buying an apartment, bought cheap pants to remove the scarf. You are a man, not a man? So think here. A normal thirty-year-old man will first find a house for himself, his child will be provided, and then the fin-dippercese car will be bought by a fox, not a loan.
Such things.

Only in Russia, a thief caught with a sleeve can call you to a duel.

Take a taxi to Tbilisi. The interruption. Everyone is signaling and screaming in the open windows. Apart from our driver, although his appearance dismisses all doubts about the purity of Georgian origin.

I ask, why don’t you attend this celebration?

I worked as a taxi driver for five years.

and?

On the first day, he was fun and bet on someone. He stopped, two strong guys came out of the car and explained that this is a cultural capital and this is not possible here. explained in a profitable way. Since then, I have been driving as a cultural person. Even at home.

I picked up the over-released cards, sat down to the operator and started. I am I, O is the operator

A - We offer you card insurance for the case of theft and fraudulent redemption, only 108 rubles per month.

I – No, I do not have to.

Otherwise, the police will have to decide.

I am not

(I really wanted to get upset about what the bank is doing then that it can’t guarantee the security of my money, but I decided that I’d better finish faster and go.)

This is a new insurance contribution, do you want to make?

I – No

A - Life insurance from injuries for 138 rubles a month, contribute 2 thousand (such as), they turn into 240 and if you don't bite a crocodile in Africa, then take them, well, and if you chew and don't squeeze you get 480

I - No, nothing interests me, neither credit cards nor insurance, do not offer me anything

And here I get just an epic phrase:

O - Until the advertising block does not listen to the issuance of cards we do not go, but there is still a mobile bank...

The real question is, who knows AdBlock for such cases?

At the wedding of one of my wife’s distant relatives, I spoke to a stranger.

After the general topics were over, he suddenly said:

- I myself came from the Shklovsky district, studied in the same class with our President.

My mistrust apparently reflected on his face, so he continued warmly:

Don’t believe those who say they’ve studied with him. Wrong people! If you gather all those who said that they studied with him in a school or institute, you will get the population of a small town. I have not just studied with him, but I can prove it.

I wondered how he would be able to do that. Could he call the President directly and ask him to confirm his words? But his response exceeded all expectations. It was so unexpected that it was likely to be true. The man said:

I do not remember him at all! I was in one class and that was all.

The word is not wreath, let go, catch and plant.

"If a mathematical statement is true at n = 1, and from its fairness at n = k follows its fairness at n = k + 1, then this statement is true at any n."
I remembered my own:
A year somewhere in 1989, I vote on the road, "PAZIK" stops, in the bus there are three aunts with theodolites on their three legs (such geodesic devices).
I sit behind them, the bus is touched, one of the aunts asks the others, "Tomorrow certification, don't you remember how the second creed of the theodolite sounds?"
Those press on their shoulders - say no, we don't know, and I say loudly on the machine: "The eccentricity of the alidad circle should not exceed the double difference on the winner."
I had to see those four pairs of eyes along with the drivers who stood on me, driving almost off the road.
It was the only beliberda in my head that remained from technoculov geodesy a decade ago.

Who are you by nationality?
Why are you asking?
I would say it immediately!

To climb the career ladder, many descend on the moral ladder.

The hat

The story of my friend Marat, who has been thirty years old, as he moved from his Tatar village to Moscow. Further from his face:

...A year and a half ago, I came to a bat in the village for a couple of days.
On the first evening, he pulled out and got his most, most, most favorite knife.

(Oh, it must be said that Marat is an avid knife man, he has eighty pieces of them in his collection, no less. Well, loves a man, that’s the matter.

At first I dreamed of him for a long time, then I decided and started saving money. I spent a long time spending, accumulating, waiting for a discount and finally ordering a friend who was flying to the United States. For somebody can nothing special, the knife - like a knife, well, beautiful, well, steel is good, claps pleasantly, no more, and my soul warms. I confess that the first days I even put it under the pillow to get in the dark at night and “click” a couple of times. You do not understand. Yes, I’m a maniac, I know and I’m not proud of that.
So, I had to cut off a bitch. My father went out, began to look for scissors, and I pulled him out of his wide pants.
Dad stretched out his hand, asked to look, put on his glasses, scratched his scratch finger, said, "Oh, what a beautiful guy" and added - "Maratek, son, maybe you will give a bat a knife. and? I’ve never seen anything like that, but you’ll buy it in Moscow.”

Here I thought strongly – it was a serious choice, just not a choice, but a blow to the breath. On the one hand, his father is seventy-eight, his mother has buried him, he lives here alone, he is bored.
Well, what happiness has he in life, and how much he has left? If I refuse, I will never forgive myself again.
On the other hand, I could not say the price of the knife either, or he would go crazy if he found out that his son bought himself a folded knife for one hundred and ten thousand rubles. I bought it for a whole year, I refused a lot.
But there was nothing to do and I, with almost no shaking hand, stretched out my knife and lied that I was not sorry at all, I would still buy.

Since then, a year and a half has passed and here, recently, I finally went out to see the old man, and at the same time with my "sweep" to see.
I arrived late in the evening, didn’t even have time to wash my hands from the road, hugged my bat and asked, “How does your American knife live there?”
My father cleverly blinked to me and quietly sat behind my mother’s treadmill, ordered me to squeeze and knocked something on my head. I open my eyes – I see myself in the mirror in some foolish peach hat.
Here is, says, wear, marathon, for health:
Do you like? And the size, I guessed. This is great, enough for a lifetime.
I like it (I like it)
Well, well, you will be there in Moscow the most fashionable and the head will not freeze. How well it all worked. Imagine, a month ago, I was sitting at home, with your knife pulling out the cloves for a tail, there looked at one man from an old job. Word by word, I saw a knife and burned straight - sell, sell, I initially refused, yet your gift, but this fool says - "Sell, I give you four thousand ladies for it." I didn’t go and I sold it, of course. Then, from retirement, I added a little bit and sold you this hat for seven at the marketplace. Take good health and remember your father.

The teaser in the kitchen whispered the batya, and I sat in a phthaline hat and watched in the mirror, as if on the piercings, tears rolled on my cheeks. You will say nothing. Why seek an old man?
My father came back from the kitchen and laid before me a lengthy barley bag.
I opened... there was my knife in it.
My father grumbled and said:

What, Martha, is it going on? I joked, I joked. I immediately realized how much it costs, I wasn’t a fool at all. Here, the bag is wrapped so that the handle does not scratch. Take it back, I’ve already played. Wearing a hat, the hat is nice, warm.

I love the uncomplicated Tatar humor.

To prevent America from interfering in the elections, Russia decided to publish their results a day before the vote.

From the comments on Youtube to the song "Hali-Gali, paratrooper"



XXX: I got this song on the disc with such puzzles that I still look around when I hear it.

When he was a student (4-5th grade), he stayed at the church in guests with overnight stays (they had a cool SEGA console at the time). While the cruciferous brother chose, this is what we’re going to play, seeing his mommy painting her hair. She said the color was ashes and in a joke offered me to paint the remains of the whiskey paint. I have agreed. Also for jokes.

The next day my mother called out of school, anxiously trying to find out what is happening at our house, that the child overnight.

and.

In general, no one except me and the crucifixion assessed.

There is no morality. Just remembered it.)

The police have not been there for a long time, but the garbage is still there.

My wife called. She and her daughter came to the house. It was hot on April 30th. And then the snow fell on the hips. The house is dry, cold. Wife prayer – take us! and faster.
And I just came from a business trip, drank the day before, stirs very strongly. Okay, I went, not so far, and in principle - sober! I can drive a hundred kilometers.
I am coming in, the snow has shattered with large bulbs. There is nothing to see in three meters. The light and the feeling of food.
has arrived. At home it is really dry and cold! What shit, I ask, did not sit in the city?! to
Okay well! He drank tea, loaded the girls and went.
Now history
The snow rained so much that only part of the cap could be seen. You can only drive with close light and not more than 40 km / h.
But! It is mutant! I stopped after three or four kilometers. to proceed. And ALWAYS stopped behind the separation lane, on the road (Vyborg road)
And at one point he stopped, not far from a weak turn, and drove down on a gravel, almost into the square. The woman whispered, “You will crush us! Ten seconds passed. From this turn the fur flows out and goes to the place where I usually stood up. He passes past my mirror in a few centimeters at twenty and hides in the night.
My wife was quiet at home.
And I don’t know why I suddenly went so far from the mark. The case? The Intuition? Or the providence?! to
My daughter fell asleep, thank God. A day later, his wife said, “I’m a fool, I didn’t know where, you’re a fool after drunk driving!” We tested our angels so much that I was terrified!
Do not test fate. Not everyone is lucky!