and quarantine observations. Today I realized that listening to a stranger in a mask, I try so much to concentrate on the sounds of his speech that I don’t look at him at all. The eyes tell nothing, and the mouth cannot be seen. It turned out that the visible articulation of the lips seriously compensates for blurred speech or poor hearing. Everything that I have not heard, I pick up and recognize by sight. And when this channel of perception is cut off by a mask, I unconsciously try to reduce the activity of vision in order to load the brain with hearing as much as possible.

I’t know if that wasn’t all.

The recycling of garbage gives the keys to the social elevator - in the Moscow region the garbage king became the deputy chairman of the Government!

My grandmother will not fail!

It was in the eighties of the last century, in the life of my young and sporty cock. When I was 14, I wanted my own money, not in the amount of pocket money for school lunch, but a lot at once. A hundred or even rubles!!! I was not afraid of hard work, I was not offended by force.

Mother answered simply: take a newspaper, find a job for school holidays. Searches throughout the end of May led to nothing, no one needs minors for three months.

Mom worked, pulled two bowel motors, she was not up to our houses. My brother was sent to a pioneer camp and I went to my grandmother.

As soon as I heard about my problem, she immediately said: Oleg, dear granddaughter, no question, let’s go with me! And she brought me straight to the children’s room of the police with the demand to find me a job for the holidays.

The minor inspector tried to explain to her grandmother that all the vacancies she had were intended for socially disadvantaged and troubled teens. (As I understood, there were disarmaments to work for minor hooligans, to which she did not surrender.) And since I am a decent child and not a criminal element, I cannot claim a vacancy.

Grandma immediately agreed that I was a very cute and educated boy and then asked if it would be enough for me to break the window to get the title of hooligan and work for the holidays. Or do you need something to steal or someone to cut off at night?

The inspector opened his eyes slightly and was squeezed from this approach, but five minutes later I was in possession of a special direction to work at the factory. And soon I worked, earning my blood money in the sweat of my face.

Do you know why time travelers don’t come to us from the future? Because there is no future.

I worked at a very secret institute near Moscow. One of our employees returned from a business trip from Baikonur and, among other interesting facts, that there were so few women there that, as the locals say, “one woman has ten meters of goats and a can of eggs.”

They laughed and started working. Not everything comes out of his head such a wonderful fact. But since all men are scientists, with education, and not with one, someone thoughtfully said:

Is it true that 10 meters is a hole?

Everyone abandoned their important scientific work and started calculations. How interesting it was! The entire department of the secret institute spent the whole day engaged in such matters as collecting the source data, that is, clarifying the average size (how many disputes there were - everyone was embarrassed to say the size in centimeters out loud, so that others would not laugh at it), calculating the volume of the ellipsoid, even introduced the "coefficient" of placing in the cage. Then they remembered that this coefficient was a non-linear thing, because the upper eggs would press the lower ones! Even taken into account

The shape of cane. In general, by the end of this day, the result was obtained - a little more than half the cage. And at this time, the whole country expected from Soviet scientists new victories in space.

The story of the surgeon who collected me.

When I was a kid, I was severely broken, but that’s a different story. So, the surgeon who collected me was just an impossible enormous! In his office in a three-litre bowl stood a tea mushroom and he poured this liquid into himself taking the bowl with one hand! It was clear what he had gaps and strengths.

So, this story happened to this surgeon in 1988. He goes to work in the morning through the forest, and then to him are driven by three local people, whose pipes are burning, who, as always, lack. He refuses and he:

We will be happy to bury you here.

- Boys, I'm breaking you now, and then I'll collect you, maybe you won't add work?

did not succeed. I came to work, called the police, said that in a hurry the clients will come, changed clothes, and just by this time the police arrived. He wrote a paper that so and so, there was a confrontation, which resulted in injuries in the form of a broken right key in all three.

The police officer walked away and asked:

The victims, where are they?

And now, they will come.

And just a call from the reception room - came three fireplaces. And the results of the examination confirmed that all three had a broken key.



P. S is

He gathered them and treated them.

I remembered history.

We went to the institute and went with fellow members to mark this case. We are standing near the city of Park of Culture with a fun company, jokes-supplements and here comes to us a bomb.



“Girls, give me 100 rubles, and I’ll show you a horse’s harp.



Let us roast. One guy says, fucking you are intrigued, here's a hundred - show it.



Bohm hid the stake in his pocket, got an A4 sheet with a photograph of a horse hero. It was just some kind of fierce treasure, they remembered all night, told everyone and rattled over it.



Now, every time I walk past the Park of Culture, I remember this story. Bohm if not sleeping, it is probably the director of marketing in Google.

The summer. Being a small squid, I rest in the country, but at the same time I help my parents as I can - then raps to collect, then raspberries, then apples, and we were there 11 apples and an apple year - there was nowhere to go, but we collected and cooked pures, compotes, dried, etc. Our country cooperative consisted of 90% of pure Jews with direct-speaking surnames such as Salzman, Katzman, etc. And here our neighbor, an old Jew, calls me and says that he wanted to change the watch strap (well, you can afford it at 30 years old) and lost the strap, and since the eyes are already bad, find it for me, and I will make a good gift for you. I started looking for a small stitch and in 20 minutes I found it. My neighbor was very pleased and cuddly went for my gift. I am waiting and waiting for a gift. A neighbor comes and holds his hands behind his back:

Guess which hand.

On the left!

The boy guessed.

He gives me an apple.

Freedom is not when you can say what you want, but when you can do what you need.

Now with the girl received diplomas on the graduation of magistrates, both lawyers. We took a taxi for delivery. As soon as he sat in the car, the address was specified, near the campus of the university is the ZAGS. The driver immediately asked:
Are you going to marry?
I get my diploma, I answer.
For whom did you study?
For the lawyers.
I also finished legal.
An uncomfortable pause.

The father tells the son:
My mom and I found porn magazines in your closet. The question is, where do we pay for the internet?

My friend has birthday today. 30 years. He works as an admin in a small company. And then his words:

The boss gave me a cognac and said that tomorrow is a weekend, because I quote, "one shit tomorrow you won't go to work."

A small collection of translations from Reddit



Once, when I was a kid, I was invited to stay for dinner at my friend’s house. His mother poured ketchup into a deep plate, and the whole family smooked and licked their fingers during the meal. © [deleted] / Reddit



When I was a child, I once visited a friend, and her mother poured us orange juice during lunch. When we ate, she took the undrunk cups and poured all the juice back into the bag. Even as a child, I thought it was disgusting. © munkyyy / Reddit



My wife invited me to dinner at her house for the first time. They had two big dogs. I asked in advance if they could give them food from the table. I was told that I could feed them anything: all the dishes were still given to the dogs. I ate and laid the plate on the floor. The dogs ran out quickly. Then I picked up the plate to take it to the kitchen and asked where to put it – in the dishwasher or in the dishwasher. And they say to me, in the closet, because the dogs have already washed it well. I laughed at that joke and repeated the question. It was not a joke! My friend went into the kitchen and put her plate in the closet, next to the other “clean” plates. I was almost sick. I cut off all contact with them. © ebil_lightbulb / Reddit



I knew one girl. If she couldn’t drink a glass of water, she poured the remnants onto the carpet because it “absorbs everything.” © knittedfleecesweater / Reddit



A colleague of my wife, a honored doctor, invited us to dinner. As soon as we entered, I saw his full-length portrait given to him by one of his patients. I saw hundreds of photos in the room. Each of them had a home owner. Neither his wife, nor any of his four children, nor any of his relatives or other dear people. The group photos were cut down so that only he remained. I went into the bathroom, sat down more comfortably and took one of the books from the shelf near the toilet. The first book was written by the owner. I took another, again his authorship. I found that all the books were written by the owner of the house. I raised my eyes and noticed a photo on the small table in front of the toilet — and it was the owner of the house again... © castr0 / Reddit



In high school, I studied with a girl whose family decorated her house as if it were a painted house for sale. In the dining room on the table on beautiful plates lay plastic food. The bed in her room was filled so that the upper corner was turned as if she had just gotten up. There was a plate of fake oatmeal and a glass of fake orange juice. On the floor were painted and tiny, as if there was a child living in the room. And in the parent's bedroom, artificial pink petals were carried to the bed. © RCDagger / Reddit



I met a guy and his family was just very strange. They all did not do like everyone else, sometimes I even started to suspect they were aliens. No one in the house knew how to use the plate. They warmed food in the microwave or did not eat at home. All the cabinets and boxes in the house were wide open, as if they had no idea that they could be closed. His parents went to McDonald’s to watch TV, despite having a good TV with cable channels and a satellite antenna. © Reddit / Reddit



My friend David once invited me home. I had no idea that his whole family were nightmares. The floor in his house was simply not visible, I was literally on the plates with oatmeal. At some point, I saw a snake crawling among the garbage. I immediately figured out the patch that I was sick and ran home. Just a horror of something. © ev6464 / Reddit



My friend and I were looking for something in his father’s closet when I noticed a bunch of expensive electrical equipment in the depths — all of it was packed. I asked a friend about it. It turned out that his father kept all the new things he bought unprinted for about a year and only then began to use them. My friend didn’t know why, but I’m still interested. © dingobiscuits / Reddit

I was asked what a “tupic profession” is.

He began to write the answer - and crumbled on the whole post.



In a conversation with a friend, we gave the definition - "potential pit."



Imagine it here. You are a young man, 18-20 years old. You are looking for work. There are a lot of suggestions, but the SP is not satisfied. And then you see an advertisement, for example: "The guards are needed" and sp - thousand 25. You are like that, oh! I will work and then find a better job.

And here you, guy, are falling into a potential hole.

See also.



- Zp higher than your peers - Cool, che.



The work is simple and not stressful. So not bad.



- Truth, although not stressful, and time to find another, or there to learn during work, or to acquire a new skill that will help in the future - no time.



After a little time (a few years), the potential hole has become deeper.



-Zp is only slightly higher than your peers (they were working "for growth")



- From a simple and non-strenuous work, but which takes all your time - you are a bit off.



- It is more difficult to find a new job - because you will have to start from the same level as a couple of years ago (and there was one that didn't please you then).



They are accustomed to a certain level of income. Loans are there. Don’t give god, and the girlfriend will suddenly look like that.



But for now it is not so bad. And when you think about it, you say to yourself, “That is nonsense! I can go anytime and start all over again!”



Five years later, we went swimming. To get out of this hole, we need superpowers.



PS is lower than one.



You start losing friends. Not because they are richer, but you are poorer.



You’re just ashamed (your ambitions remained the same when you were younger)



And I have nothing to tell you. They have projects, chiefs are selfish, Petka has gone north, Dimka has joked with the chief engineer. and etc. You used to watch the pharmacy, now you watch the store.



But you’re a company guy – and without friends you won’t stay. New friends are colleagues. The guys are easier. Friends are easier. Your - if it were - falls down (it coincided with an unemployed student who had a future) And by the way, I’t blame her. She doesn’t want to talk to your new friends and their respective girlfriends.



And you, even if you say to yourself, “Yes, I’m at any moment!” But you report to yourself that if at 18-20 years of age to get a low sp and be on the heels, in general, it is normal, it is the same at 28-30, somehow embarrassing.

And the little that I knew and knew was wasted, and the flexibility of the mind did not add. Your bosses will be younger than you.



And here you’re sitting on the bottom of a potential pit digged with your own hands and mocking Putin, of course.



Well, the list of stumbling professions you can make yourself, I think.

Sometimes in childhood (year-old so at 15), a aunt from Israel came to visit us, and we gathered several families of relatives, including my nephew.

And here is the long-awaited meeting, everyone rejoices, aunt distributes gifts, and gives my nephew an iPhone, after which, stretches me a tablet with the phrase "I am this to you."

I am in shock, t. I did not expect anything like this, I start to dissipate in gratitude, but I am interrupted by the phrase "Yes, I have something in the tablet language does not switch, look."

This feeling of discomfort and disappointment was difficult to repeat.

I remember, at the age of 13 watched with the boys a video from the studio Privat. It was done this way - after the lessons they went to a friend, he got out of the dusty cabinet a slicked VHS cassette, inserted it into a video magnetophone, turned on and... For an hour and a half we watched fascinatedly the same kind. Modern schoolchildren do not understand - they have the same contact at hand, in which to find porn is not difficult. It was like a revelation to us. The details of that porn are still imprinted in my memory. There were two bodies, a blonde and a red, and five men. They fuck them in all poses, but compared to modern porn looks like a retro.



At some point, with a curious look, I saw an incredibly lulling moment. They were fucking in the wooden pavilion, against the backdrop of the idyllic village pastoral. Nature is what? Yes, there are all kinds of flies, bugs and goats. Somewhere in the middle of the film, during sexual intercourse in the ass, a porn actor gets his ass out of the developed ass of a sex worker, and right into the open hole of her ass flies a fly! This is a big fly with a greenery. And the uncle, having decided to continue work after a five-second break, with a sharp blow drives the fly right into the abyss of the anal flying hell.

broke out of that then. In the summer I went to my grandmother. There was a distant relative of mine, Nastya, who quickly introduced me to all the local cattle contingent. As a city boy, I quickly gained some popularity - from the oil-looking views of local girls there was a hope to drop the leaf.



That is what I am for. At that time, I’ve come to realize that consumers of content can be different. A modern analogy – someone is sitting in the VK, and someone is in the Donoklassniki. Someone drinks Hunt Strong, and someone drinks craft beer. Someone is hitting into the stinking hole of the village toilet, and someone is hitting into a white facade toilet. And I realized this because my story with the fly has become a parable in the tongues. We were sitting on the river, and one of the locals suddenly said to another:

Did you watch porn yesterday?

and ah!

They begin to discuss the details. I first listen and do not blow, and then I gradually begin to understand that they mean the mildest erotic on REN-TV that was previously filmed at night. So soft that there even the breasts did not show, let alone the shit. They call it pornography.! to

And one guy had such a quick reaction that he was sitting down and just catching a fly with his hands. I was constantly crazy about it. Here they sit, he catches his flies, and then I get involved in the conversation and tell them about my flies!

Fuck, it was a furor! I struck their imagination. Vasya just so persistently came to me:

Gray, right in the ass?

and AGA.

That is exactly how they show up there. Well, if I shoot Tanka naked straight, I’ll put cancer – right so?

Well yes. Only the fox is wrapped. Right in the ass.

You’re not in the shit, but in the ass. Where is collapse?

and AGA.

Did the flies fly there? This is such? And she shows me a thick fly on a hurried palm.

Right there here.

You are fucking!

and fucking.

I then, thanks to this story, heard Kazanova and fucked one madmuazel. Then he went back to the city. There were, I remember, such "flashes" - something like gifs, only interactive. A terrible shit. There were two of them on the disk, you can cut a bunch of them on the disk. I cut the normal "flashes" and flash games with some Masyanya from the top, showed it to my parents at home, and then I had to manage as quickly as possible to drop all this good on the computer and remove it from the disk. Bolvanka cost rubles five or ten, we bought them in a fold with the boys, and then these discs with the porn cut on them (not necessarily, cane, cut music and just funny videos) walked around the area. We even somehow mutilated the business, sold them three times more expensive than the cost, and bought nothing. Yes, then we got puzzles, but that’s another story.



Misha, I remember, had a Motorola RazerV3. Top mobile, although we were tormented with it quite - in his life tried to work it out, I remember for this mobile almost a district to the district. Constantly just earned - in the purchase it was taken expensive, when suddenly the money was needed. And in the entrance between the monotonous conversations and the drinking of beer, the hunt was to look at the rust. Therefore, Misha always had all the shit on his mobile phone. And a lot of porn too! Hey, it seemed to me then, in fact, the assembly of a high-quality video of half a minute each. But what was there! and lesbians! Fuck the horse! The Negroes! The rape! Anal and oral, classic and all sorts of different poses! I think Misha experienced all this on himself when his father found the archive on his phone.)



And this fucking brake internet with shaking, whispering and whispering when the modem is turned on! Fuck, how he made me angry. You sit for five or ten minutes (and sometimes longer) waiting for one image to load. My computer was constantly suffering from this — as soon as my mother knocked into the room, I just forcibly cut it through the switch button, because all the open tabs on the desktop were wildly braking, not wanting to close. I had already tried to climb the forums, but, unlike a local historian with a map name, I did not do it to play in all kinds of browsers there, but to honor the abomination. In one of the scripts he was straight. She described her daily adventures in such a picturesque way that the spirit captivated her. As she got up in the morning, she wrote and whispered on the toilet, then went and sucked out to her boyfriend and went to work to suck out to the boss at the lunch break. Now I understand that these are unrealized sexual fantasies of some nymphomaniac or a man in general, but still thank you, as you are there. Thanks to you, I didn’t die from sperm toxicosis.



The magazines were also saved. Cosmopolitan thank you! At that time, even in every Babi-Huite like Lisa, wildly vicious stories were published about Tian who saw lesbian dreams or wanted to be raped. and SPIDINFO! This is the sanctuary of any zero-dresser! And I was always attached to the eroticity of the description, although the pictures were also very good. On the upper shelf behind the stalls of grandfather books such as "Hitler's Notebook" was orphaned "Emmanuel" with a lost root. They put it so not in vain - in order to forge it out of there, it was necessary to turn all the other volumes (and thus burn it up if the parents came home earlier). So I came up with a whole system for reading "Emmanuel" - I cut off the root and put it in the place, creating the appearance of the book, myself reading at night with the light of the lamp. In the morning, my sweaty fingers grabbed the book back to place.

Truth is often interpreted.

in the forest.

Events somewhere in 2008.

Bus, morning, winter and trip to work. I go. Drunk from the night, the comrade chose me as a target for the conflict. A healthy man, fixed, of course, through the swimsuit, it is not visible how fiery or sporty he is there, but the width of the shoulders is envious. It is all about morbidity. I’m not conflicting, I always thought the best fight was the one that didn’t happen.

So the escalation of the conflict is reaching its maximum, and straight now, straight here will begin. I wonder why I’m in the bus. I say:

- Let's go out, let's talk, - and I am already pretending - I have not been in a trauma for a long time, now it will be repeated...

The stop, the doors open, the fighting alcohol athlete jumps out on the street, I take a step toward the door, but... the door in front of my nose clamps, the guard gives on the gases. I look back at the driver, and he, through the noise of the engine, says:

You ought to.

A young man, a man, or I would have gone out stupidly, and there already, with my combat experience.

I think there should be a ceremony to close the pandemic.
...
And a huge inflatable virus appears, he says goodbye to his thumbs and tears. Lev Lechchenko sings: "Here again everything has gone, a quarantine fairy tale, goodbye, goodbye, our affectionate virus, return to your shit China." The audience cries and cries with marble bandages.
The virus is hiding in the sky.

In remote Siberia there was a wooden pile, and a brigade of several people worked on that wooden pile. One day, they met a small bear, and sheltered him, as the bear was shot by the brothers. The bear was a bear, they named it Manai, and made for her a bear.

A year later, the brigadier went fishing, comes back, and begins to scream at his subordinates:

Why don’t we follow Manny? Again, she escaped from the squad, I found her in the woods, pulled the salmon off, and tied it to a tree. Go and take.

Employees are surprised:

Mania in the hole.