bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №154272
 22.05.2020
The story of the infamous small letter in the contract. There was an interesting case in one of the countries of Western Europe. In general, a civil court deals with a claim between two companies. One company has claims and refers to this notorious small font in the contract. The second company, which has not disassembled this small font, does not consider itself a violator, and refuses to pay. The judge hears the parties, lawyers, etc. Then he makes a verdict:

The text of the agreement must be readable. Since the complainant company did not consider it necessary to include this information in the main text of the contract, this information is not important in the complainant company's opinion. Therefore, the contract between the parties recognizes only the main text of the contract. A small letter part of the contract is not recognized. All claims related to the interpretation of the written in small letters are removed.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №154271
 22.05.2020
xxx: Well, in general, she is right: a glass of salt at a time - and you crants...) Water to be poisoned a little harder - 7 liters per day (there will be no time, or not come in) In short, it is all about the dose)

Yyy: I think if you drink 7 liters of water for the whole day, nothing terrible will happen to a person. I drank 7 liters of beer a day.

Not beer destroys people, but water destroys people.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №154270
 22.05.2020
I remembered another case, I was about 22 years old at the time.  In the evening I just went out to change, filled up the car, took my coffee and the money ended (i.e., I gave nothing to give.) I take my first order. In the car sits a woman about 40 years of travel near the city, further by the text of the client I will call a girl (roughly it is a woman.) It was immediately apparent to the girl that she was not in the mood. I begin to go from a distance, so the amount for the trip will be approximately the same and you can pay me for the trip without a deposit. She begins to report to me that I have to carry the deposit from any note and she has no extra money to pay without the deposit. He gives me a thousand rubles at the sum of the trip 100 rubles.  and says go look for an exchange I wait, and I ran. I think many have tried to exchange money in a kiosk without buying anything, it’s not real.

I tried again but I failed. I went to the side of the car to give money and say that for you the trip is free. (According to the company's instructions, if the driver has a problem with the change, then the ride is at the driver's expense.)

I did not earn anything from this order but I did not want to leave her in plus I went to spend her money. There were two kiosks of cigarettes and flowers, I don’t smoke and I don’t need flowers. And suddenly I decided to buy one rose exactly for the amount of the trip and give it to a client (I didn't want to give the whole amount) I give her money and a rose with the words you are so evil and sad may so you will be more fun and kind it is a gift to you. She hanged for ten seconds and then returns me the money and says that it's your tea for the trip, begins to tell how she's upset and that the flowers she got fifteen years ago, but her husband can't take them home. The girl laid a flower on the seat, gently closed the door of the car and slowly went towards the house. I think I even saw tears in her eyes. 

If you are the girl and are reading this post, I would be happy to greet you.



The shift I worked less well, the rose lay all night on the shelf behind the back seat and in the morning I drowned it out.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №154269
 22.05.2020
There are people in the world who first do what they have done and then dismiss what they have done. One of them, Anatoly. He is not small and very emotional. Just then, Anatoly decided that his girlfriend was betraying him and this thought did not give him peace, he decided to check it out, took a holiday, and early in the morning left the house allegedly for work, and himself hid from a friend in the car, and began to wait. One hour later, a BMW came to the house, the driver of which entered the entrance, twenty minutes later, his girlfriend came out of this entrance and next to her was the driver. Anatoly, not thinking long, jumped out and with one blow sent the guy into the deepest knock, paralelly depriving him of a pair of teeth, and then with a powerful appercott placed his passion next to him. Deciding that justice was done, Tolik purchased a watermelon and went to pour the mountain. But our hero did not know that the guy on a BMW, just came to his mother and met the girl Anatolia when he came down the stairs. Now the driver is eating through a pipe, the girl is lying in the hospital with a severe shock, and Tolik is waiting for trial.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №154268
 22.05.2020
A woman 32 years old:

I cannot lie at all! It was very red, she said. I can, but not always...

What does it depend on?

Especially when I am very worried. You can ask anything and you will find out everything I have in mind.

How long has this been happening to you?

As a child, the client confessed. Can you imagine how hard I was at school?

Maybe yes, I smiled encouragingly. Have you tried any methods to increase self-control?

“More than a dozen,” she breathed hard. - It only helped anchoring from the NLP and not completely. There are situations where you cannot calm down.

For example?

Can you imagine a woman who in the midst of the process begins to think about who became the main bomber at the last English football championship or imagine herself relaxing on the shore? Unfortunately, such thoughts are not compatible with trying to get pleasure.

You speak with knowledge of the matter.

The woman smiled sadly. Do you know what men usually ask after they finish their business? They are interested in whether I have been well with them, and they are waiting for an affirmative answer, and in the case of me they are waiting for a bitter truth. I had to look for a couple for a long time.

But did you finally find her?

"He was the first person to deal with my problem with humor and didn't complex about his successes in bed. It was only when I confessed that he immediately began to use it. In the middle of the evening, he seemed to ask me questions of his interest, such as where I was on Wednesday afternoon or how much my new shirt really costs, and then laughed, calling his dignity “The Sword of Truth.” Actually, I am not offended by him, but I would still like to learn to keep my tongue behind my teeth.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №154267
 22.05.2020
It is even difficult to say who exactly – operas, trailers, judges or prosecutors – is the most ridiculous phrase: “If you are innocent, then you have nothing to fear.”

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №154266
 22.05.2020
Interesting History of the Russian State (1)
(in a free translation)

In the last year of the reign of Catherine II in St. Petersburg came from Germany some influential prince distinguished by a beautiful exterior. He came not just so, but with the hope of attracting the attention of the aging Empress.
Well, that’s clear with what intentions he hit.
He was taken from his apartment in the palace and accompanied by an official of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (sic!He was a friend in the state language, who pursued him everywhere and always, performing the functions, whether a translator or a spy.
The Empress's favourite at the time was Prince Plato Zubov and he did not like this Teutonic foul much, especially since the German seemed to sympathize with Catherine.
At that time in the Izmailovsky regiment served as a lieutenant prince Shcherbatov. According to the descriptions of contemporaries, the real lieutenant Shcherbatov could well compete with the anecdotal lieutenant Rzhevsky, because he was a young man, and the tower was sometimes destroyed by him.
Well, here, once, Scherbatov sits in the theatre, in the first row of the parter, in a civil caftan, with a trunk in the form of a sucked rod and awaits the start of the performance. Next to him sits a German prince with a friend in the state. The first action ends and the anthrax begins.
The bored Shcherbatov politely asks the German if he likes the play and Russian actors. The overwhelming Teuton ignores the question. Shcherbatov decided that he did not understand, courteously repeated his question in German.
The German prince unfolds the pants, contemptuously looks at Shcherbatov and disgustingly says to the accompanying: “No, well, you in nature look at this pit, he dared to climb to me – the German prince!!! With your stupid talk!

You have presented, right?

Shcherbatov chokes from this greed, whispering in pre-revolutionary Russian: "Oh, you are a dirty German swine, in general, the rams are popped! Answer to the Bazar. I am a Russian prince!And with these words beats a beat... forgive the sucked truss, who transported the prince right into his swallowed rye...
An employee of the Russian diplomacy catches up the German and drags him into the then Intourist, because with a roasted rope into the palace it is no longer a camelfo. In addition, Zubov, who immediately learned about the pronunciation, (as always, the knock is arranged faster than the sound) hinted to the ruler that it would be inappropriate for a beaten prince at the court to torch.
The Empress, of course, regretted the prince, the next day, through Zubov sent a dear tobacco with her portrait and expressed extreme regret for what happened. (I imagine the tooth roaring on myself, expressing this regret.)
The German accepted the gift, but Zubov hinted that he understands where the legs of this story grow from and if there is a chance, then with Zubov he will flirt. On this bitter note, he left Russia forever.
The Prince of Sherbats (Sorry!) He was dismissed from the regiment and sent to residence at his estate, with a ban on appearing in the capital.

It is sad, yeah? But history has a continuation.

After Catherine, Paul ascended to the throne. He summoned Shcherbatov to St. Petersburg, appointed him to the same regiment and earned a high rank.
Some time later, Prince Plato Zubov, traveling through Europe, went to Berlin, where he was challenged for a duel from the evil teuton. However, naturally believing that he, under the duel code, does not have the right to fight for Shcherbatov, he sent the challenge to the latter.
Emperor Paul learned about this when Shcherbatov asked for a vacation abroad, and ordered to give the prince five thousand rubles for travel expenses.
When Shcherbatov returned to St. Petersburg, Paul met him and asked:
He killed a German pig.
– Killed, Your Majesty, – modestly replied Shcherbatov.

Source: “Tales of General Kutlubitskaya about the times of Emperor Paul” Russian Archive. of 1866.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №154265
 22.05.2020
Have you noticed that all deputies and officials who have been infected with the coronavirus return to their posts refreshed and suspiciously burned?

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №154264
 22.05.2020
My wife calls me.

- The cat came, sat on the laptop keyboard and he went out.

I, realizing that the combination of switching screens was probably pressed, first tried to explain what icons on the keyboard to look for... Then I realized that it was a long time and said that I would come in the evening to see.

He calls back.

You can help everybody and you can’t help me. and all. I fixed it myself without you.

How is? I ask.

The cat sat on the keyboard again. Everything worked out.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №154263
 22.05.2020
Before the most quarantine, the husband fell into drunkenness after almost a 15-year break. He promised to encode and once and for all closed. And literally the day I want fate was next to narcology. I went to see if it worked. In response, I heard, “Yes, from 8 to 2 o’clock. Do you have an alcoholic with you?”

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №154262
 22.05.2020
Today is not Friday, I know. But history is interesting. I sell gadgets from time to time, in various places, including Amazon. Interesting stories - the sea, but today is just the theater absurd.



I bought a laptop on Amazon. A laptop, like a laptop, is good, working.



I got a message from her today: “Good evening. You know your laptop is not working well. His buttons don’t work as they should. I went to repair - I was told that the laptop was broken and the hard drive was broken and everything was broken. Let’s decide it somehow, because a laptop is not a thing for five euros. It looks like a robbery.”



And it would be nothing, but the laptop she bought two years ago. Spring worsening is no different.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №154261
 22.05.2020
I remembered a friend, a former pathologist. Ask familiar friends:

How is it to work with Morpheus? Was there something dangerous?

And he answers them:

It was. In the mid-1990s he was on guard at night. They knock on the door, I think they brought someone, I open the door. I have a circumcision under my nose and are demanding to give a recently delivered deceased...

I stopped swallowing tea. Looking forward to something interesting and exciting:

And...? ? to ? to ! to

My friend continued:

And I gave it to them. I am a pathologist, not a fool.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №154260
 22.05.2020
When I was a student, I regularly drove a 31 trolley bus, the route of which was from Color Boulevard to VDNH. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8.05 a.m., the same driver arrived at the stop. A tough man in a beard and an unchanging blue Olympic. She called him Valeria. I was thin as a lion and challenging young. We already greeted our eyes and said goodbye in the area of the Theater of the Soviet Army, waiting for a new meeting after tomorrow. Of course, I slept one day. Of course, I quickly picked up textbooks, snacks, spare socks, a screwdriver and ran to the stop. It was 8.10. Valeria was waiting for me. The trolleybus was waiting too. When I closed the door, he smiled for the first time.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №154259
 22.05.2020
A friend told me.

Two Belarusians opened a business in Moscow. In banchers to work took, for the exotic, a student - Negro. The celebration. The hosts gathered their friends, covered the table (in the bathroom) - rest.

What do you do, Black, in Moscow?

I am studying for a doctor.

X: So you’re going to go to your Africa, what are you going to do? Opening a clinic?

H is her. I decided I was bathing.

Q: Do you think there will be demand?

Q: I think not. But, for that, I will take a job as a Belarusian banker, I will bump with my friends, ask him stupid questions and roast him.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №154258
 21.05.2020
Yes, but two different pizzas are better than one but more.

Yyy: Well, for example, Dodo pizza has a service for collecting the first pizza from different halves. It’s extremely convenient, especially when your second half doesn’t like seafood, pizza with pineapples, spicy, too fatty, “what’s only cheese?” and the other.

Zzz: Well, people with bipolarity are not so many.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №154257
 21.05.2020
I have a few stories about how the boys came to me. One of them still warms my soul. I was about 28 years old, then.



I have a motorcycle, and I ride it. Once after work, I decided to go to the toilet and buy home for dinner something in maca. I take off the helmet, and the boy runs to me and begins enthusiastically:

You have such a great motorcycle! Is it Honda? I have a PC, but it’s broken. Let me fix it and we will ride together?

Boy, how old are you?

16... So, I’ll fix it, let’s ride? ? to

I don’t like to ride with someone, I’m alone.

I went to buy a burger. I go back to the motic, and there on the envelope a paper with my phone and name, Denis.

Denis, know, I kept that paper. It warms my heart. And if I don’t give god I’ll remain a 40-year-old aunt with a bunch of cats, I’ll still call you and we’ll ride. You just fix your own.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №154256
 21.05.2020
Is white the color? The color. Black is the color. The clothes are colored.

yyy: Slowly put the washing powder on the floor and leave the washing machine.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №154255
 21.05.2020
One day I had to visit the Museum of Modern Art "Erarta" (SPb). It was so interesting that I decided to publish a book of reviews. The most memorable phrase was written by a crude child's handwriting:

“Tell me, why do you paint so badly?”

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №154254
 21.05.2020
The children! I am so old that:



1st As a child, he wore socks under his shorts. Collies appeared a little later.

2nd My peers learned to write with pens. Our class was experimental, the first in the city to be allowed to write with balls.

Three When I was born, there was no vase. When I went to school, there was no. There were three brands of cars: Zaporozhye, Moscow and Volga. My dad bought the first Jiguli when I was already a pioneer.

4 is He collected marks with astronauts in live streaming as flights and marks came out. Not from Gagarin, of course, but about from the Coast. He cried when the Soyuz-11 crashed. Volunteer, Wolves and Patsayev

5 is The heroes of political anecdotes were not Putin and Trump and not even Gorbachev and Reagan, but Brezhnev and Nixon. The toilet in the pioneer camp was a white house, and instead of “go swallow” we said “call Nixon.”

6 is I didn’t scream on Alice Selezneva. When “Guest from the Future” came out, I was already an adult married man. Instead of Alice, we had Xanka from The Untouchable Avengers.

7 is As a child, I listened to gram plates and I remember the difference between the ordinary at 78 spins and the long-playing at 33. The first magnetophone appeared when I was already a student.

8 is On the first film Vysotsky, which I heard to the hole, there were no songs "Dialogue at the TV" and "Dear Transmission" - he has not written them yet.

9 is I remember not only discs, but also perforators and perforators. And even perfocards for 45 columns, with round holes.

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №154253
 21.05.2020
What times have come – you sit in a telegram, you write a tape, you see a group with Stalin on an avatar – you open, and there – a forum of currency speculators.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna