One day, I borrowed a foldable table from my neighbors. They gave me a table and gave me a dolma. In order not to return the plate empty, I presented a charlotte. The next day, the neighbor's son brought a shale and asked not to fall into the recursion.

Simplified urine analysis.
Go out and write in the garden.
If ants gather - diabetes.
If you urinate on your feet - prostatitis.
If it smells like a barbecue, cholesterol is exaggerated.
If when shaking your wrist hurts - arthrosis.
If the fingers are gout.
If when shaking you still managed to do 5-6 step-by-step movements - Parkinson's disease.
And if you go back to your room with your penis out of your pants – Alzheimer’s disease.

Once I argued with a girl that there is no truth in the horoscopes, and she replied that I don’t understand anything, that you have to believe the stars and everything like that.

So I told her, let me read the horoscope about you (she’s a cancer), and you’ll tell me how much the stars are right :)

In general, I read: you are a purposeful person, love order, maintain comfort and sometimes with your character you are not simple, bla, bla, bla.

She always said, in point, it’s about me, yes, it’s me.

Would you see her eyes when I told her I read the horoscope about Taurus?

There were two people coming from the gas service, watching the plate.

First, it smells like gas.

Everything is okay, it’s me.

One of my friends tried his sperm. The taste is specific, but I’t say it’s disgusting. The sea water looks like something, but the consistency is different. Well, according to him.

yyy: Ah, friend, of course, according to his words)

xxx: Okay, things are different, you can even try.

YYY: Did he fall and accidentally suck?

xxx: 1) kissing your partner after she made you piss

2) Oral affectionate partner's breasts after dropping her on tits

3) cunnilingus after unprotected sex to make the matter crazy, or to prevent the partner from cooling before the second event.

Okay, a slide

How to eat your sperm if you are embarrassed

I have coughed often lately. Ordered on the advice of a friend tea collection on herbs "pure lungs" is called. The courier arrives tonight.

I went to the store and said to my husband:

- here the courier should come, if anything, receive delivery, I ordered tea for my lungs.

A glance to my side:

Do you think you are easy?

...

What is the difference between the roof and the government? The roof takes money and solves problems, and the government takes money and creates problems. They decide the roof.

Soloviev invited to the transfer of the winners of the contest "leaders of Russia". “Look, fair competition, young winners, social elevator. Here stands a young man, he won the contest, without any mud and bonds, and at the age of 30 became the governor of Yamal. He comes from an ordinary family. Yes is? Well, who are the parents, admit, ordinary people?” Yes, my parents worked at the university.
Soloviev is joyful, pathosny, this is how we are honest!

A young man, from the simple family of the first deputy speaker of the Tyumen Regional Duma, the head of the parliamentary faction "United Russia".

This is the kind of talented youth.

Officials decided to take the radioactive waste from Europe, where their families live, and bring it to Russia, where you live.

It happened that I sat down on a floating, pink fantasy.

It started because sometimes it is boring at work. Here I sit on a compass, this activity occupies part of my brain, and the rest is missing. The music quickly got bored, audio books went. Teaching books or complex in terms took up too many resources - I either distracted myself from work, or stopped understanding the meaning of the text... I sat down on a light fantasy, well there about spiders, magicians, dragons and so on.

One such story really caught me: I listened to the audio, there was no more sound, but there was a continuation in the form of an electronic version of the next part - bought, read. The next part was in the writing process. I found a resource where the author continued one chapter. And as a drug addict, she was waiting for a continuation and another dose in the form of the head of this fantasy opus. At some point the author wrote: “Dear readers, I have good news for you, my book has been released in paper format in such a publishing house! I will no longer publish the book here in parts, buy the full edition!”

Oh, great, paper edition...who needs it! I have broken all the inets, there is no electronic version, well, I will buy paper, I will carry this brick in my bag and read on the way to work from work.

I ordered the book in a popular online store, the self-driving point of which was just on the way from work to home. The mail came, I went to pick up and then I was persuaded: "And how did I be an adult, serious woman and bought such a completely, absolutely unserious book, which could only interest schoolgirls of puberty?" I decided that I would not open the packaging with strangers, so as not to be ashamed.

At the point of self-driving, the package is brought to me by a bearded, brutal guy, under thirty years old, he asks, "Do you open the package?"

I thought, “How can he know what a book it is, let it unpack, I won’t have to argue with this cardboard later.”

“Open it!” I said confidently.

The guy with one movement of the knife cut the cardboard, the top half of the cover appeared: "Oh, this is *****!" - he breathed out the name of the main heroine of the book. “This is where she is...” and then the guy burns out the short content of the book.

“No,” I answered, “what you described is the second part of the book, and this (I point to the purchase) is the third.”

“You are what! I shouted a broken man. Is the third part out?“!”

“Yes, just,” I replied, and rushed away, pressing a new book to my chest, until I was taken away.

Politicians are divided into two categories: some believe that the end justifies the means, while others are convinced that the means (of course, money) is the main goal!

The words of relatives.
One day, they missed a vase. After a long search, the parents came to the conclusion that her little son was somewhere.
He went to his son and asked if he had done anything with the vase. The son denied everything. Then I decided to go to the trick.
"Sasha, if you admit what you did with the vase, I will give you 3 rubles," said the mother (the case was in the USSR, and 3 rubles at the time, as far as I understand, was a considerable amount for the child).
“I broke the vase,” Sasha confessed.
Where are you doing the pieces?
"I took the sink and the wreath, gathered them and threw them out so that you and Daddy would not know.
The mother praised the son for the honest confession and handed the promised 3 rubles.
A few days later, a neighbor brought the vase. She borrowed it for something, and her mother simply forgot about it.

The African leaders heartily thanked Vladimir Vladimirovich for removing the $20 billion debt.
“We should raise the retirement age,” he said.

I told a story at work.

The case was in the 90s, at the height of popularity of viewers and VHS cassettes. The venue is the office. One of the employees calls the son of pre-school age:

and Mom! Could Cole come to visit me?

Maybe, let him go in.

Can we take a look at the multicolors?

Look at it if you’re not tired of the same thing.

- And I found a cassette on the closet, "Snow White" is written, I have not seen this cartoon yet.

The mother changes sharply in the face and, confused in words and valuable instructions, shares in the tube: "Don't touch the cassette, it's broken! View does not work! Don’t go into a big room!” He throws the phone on the lever and runs home from a low start without even changing clothes.

Films for adults based on fairy tales.

I don’t even remember what I dreamed. But he was awakened in the middle of the night by a vigilant wife with a question in her forehead: "What is Olya?"

What kind of olive?

I wanted to ask you, what kind of olive is this?! to

What...what woke me up?

In a dream, you called Olya. Their mistress? Fuck her? What was silent? Go and talk!

Did I call in my dream?

In a dream!! to

I... Well then okay...

How is it okay? Have you turned away from me?

In my dreams I can do anything. To fuck, to fuck. So you sleep too.

Today in a dream sought verbally, but rather persistently some girl (well you know, sometimes in a dream there are completely fictional characters).

She chose to refuse me and immediately jump out of the window.

I was not even surprised.

The hypertensive crisis of Elena Malysheva undermined people’s faith in a healthy lifestyle.

In the garages.
This happened in Murmansk 15 years ago.
My acquaintance worked on a foreign ship and went off to the shore with a foreign colleague who had a shipwreck. Their plane was in the evening and they walked around the city all day long.
The attention of the foreigner was attracted by the garage cooperative. The acquaintance explained that this is a place where cars are stored and repaired, as well as "take a party".
The foreigner became curious how it could be drilled in the midst of mechanisms and oil, they entered one of the open boxes... And the acquaintance broke out of pride.
It was a perfectly sliced garage lined with a canvas. On the wall were painted portraits of Dostoevsky and Tsoi.
Inside was a bearded owner and with a thoughtful look drank beer and listened to the music of Tchaikovsky from the loudspeakers of the "Volga" standing there.

It seems to me alone that when ministers and deputies tell us on television about how our lives are improving, there is not enough laughter?

When I was in college, I liked one student. I wanted to invite her to a cafe, but there was hardly any money at the time. He walked around the universe until he noticed the chef who was in charge of the dining room. He was 40-45 years old, his wife and three children. We were known before. After hearing the reason why I was walking so acidic, he told me to come with her to the universe at 10 p.m. when all the students were out. In the courtyard of the university there was a small square with trees and tables.

We met in the evening and I offered to walk to the universe. The guard was familiar with me, so he missed us.

When we entered the square, one of the tables was already covered. The first, the second, salad etc. The night, empty universe, we sat alone, ate, drank tea and talked. Per she thought at the time, the hell, how he got it.

The chef sometimes approached us like dear guests, tossed tea, asked if we would like a dessert.

At that moment I was happy. Now, 12 years later, I remember this man, and I realize how huge his heart was.