It will be one of those stories from which to 30 years you catch Spanish shame, and then you remember and crack.

I grew up in a small Moscow town. One day I went to Moscow alone, without my parents. It was a very responsible moment - not to waste money, documents, keys, to get to the destination. Mobile phones did not exist at the time.

And here, I'm finally doing what was the real purpose of the trip - I'm going to the McDonald's myself (do not get arranged :) ).

As we all know, the most important thing in the macdake is a clean, light and large toilet. I did everything that I came for there very responsibly and at the exit saw a paper on the door - a list of surnames with time and painting.

Then I did not know that this was a cleaning schedule, so I did the first thing that came to mind - I entered my name, the time of cleaning and scheduled.

Now I laugh when I imagine the faces of the employees.

Unlike the inhabitants of Greenland, Yakutia and Buryatia were overwhelmingly in favour of buying them from the United States.

Who the hell brought in the first half of the night? – I asked the door lock and opened the door, – Leha, what night wind has thrown you away?

Can I stay overnight with you? – Interested in this miracle – I even took a sleeping pill here...

Box of Hennessy. I think there are a dozen. Or half a dozen. Seven for twelve? Or at least six?

Stay overnight or live a week? Judging by the amount of sleeping pills to sleep today will not be possible.

How it will go. But I will not go home, there Lenka is psychotic, wants to divorce. She found in the suitcase female pants, said that it was not her and psychotic. I tell her that it's even good, that it's not yours, will a normal aunt put her cowboys in her husband's trunk? They, by the way, are not mine, I am not psychic, I am telling her. She separated even more. I have gone. I still don’t know where that stuff in the suitcase came from. Even no assumptions.

Are you with your glasses, no glasses? - It's Leha in the kitchen already, - let me cut the lemon, and you get the chocolate.

I drank the first. I can’t smell the chocolate when it rings again. Only now by phone.

Hello to Len. You don't chase Leha, it was I who took his car yesterday, to have fun. Tired, you know, of loneliness – in general, I hardly lie.

The fifth.

What is the fifth thing, Len? All was so.

Not what, but who. You are the fifth in half an hour who took the Leška car yesterday. Have fun. Kolka took, Nikita took, Vaska took, Zinoviy Petrovich and he was entertained in our car, although he was knocked on the third day of the seventy-two. No, they’re fine, but I didn’t expect that from you.

Why didn’t you expect that, Len? I’m not as morally stable as I think.

- You don't say, but the driver drives you on the job, and on the weekend, Tanka. Because you drive so much from school and have not learned, you have the right to a cardboard book.

By the way, driving a car for such entertainment is not necessary. It is enough to have keys and desire.

You have to have your head when you lie. Call Leah, or he switched off the phone. And don't tell me that he drank vodka from a nervous shock, sleep, and you can't wake him up. You are the fifth.

I don’t have it, Len. has gone.

God, you are all the same guys. Tell him that I know whose cowards they are, let him go back. They fell out of her mother’s bag when Leha took her to the train station. When will Tatiana return from the Maldives? Or did she go to the Azores? In a week? Come to visit. Let’s celebrate Lech’s new birthday. Or a funeral. I will kill him, but if this hour does not come back, give it to him.

Leah went home. Who wants to be killed for nothing? We drank the second and he went. I sat down and thought:

What a wise mother Lenka has. Or to forget.

The problem is not that they lie above, but that they believe below.

When I was small, the adults were constantly telling me that I was super warm the bath, skillfully harvesting wood, burning mango, baking strawberries. No one would trust anyone other than me. Of course I was proud of that. I was even jealous if somebody instead of me took this task difficult. 20 years have passed and recently, when I once again, seemingly burning a mango, I understood everything. That’s just how clever and lazy those adults were. This is fucking.

I was drunk for the first time at the age of 16, so that at home my mother caught me blowing a dolma in the shell. I asked in shock:

Son, what about you?? to

I (with a misty gaze on the grape leaf that came out of me): -Mom, I seem to have been poisoned with a dolma!

Mother: -You know, I just got poisoned in my youth.)

At 96, when I was 13, my friend and I decided to form a rock band. We went to the local house of creativity, where the museum director worked with us. I won’t say that it was like rock, because basically all the music was from the teacher’s synthesizer, and a little bit of our quiet whirling on guitars. I used my father’s guitar at the rehearsal. My father wasn’t with us, but the guitar was with us. In the family, it was always called very high-quality, because it has all beetles, and this is estrade. It was not allowed to take her out of the house. We are a band, so we can.

And then one day, returning from the rehearsal, a car stopped at the crossroads. The door opened, and from the smoked car came:

“Give me a guitar!”

It’s hard to describe children’s feelings, but if approximately, I was just confused. He remained silent, giving no signs of life.

The cloud came out of the car, twenty-five years old, and began to take the guitar, I pulled on myself, he to himself. He got better, after which the car with wild rust went away...

I stood with wet eyes and looked after.

The first thing I went down on the curtains and a piece of brick wrote the number of the car on the asphalt. Then for ten minutes he stood and squeezed him, so as not to confuse and forget. My comrade, was a completely useless piece of shit, who only wanted to wash home soon.

Shortly after half an hour I was already in the first department of the militia, I was taken to the office, where I was asked for a long time if I was not beaten, if there was no violence. Then they led me to the first floor, where I decided that I would be allowed home, and I left. At home, I said nothing to my mother, went into the bathroom and diluted under the noise of the water. Water is an instinctive desire to wash.There was a feeling that I was all in something dirty, stinking and sticky. I still had to figure out what to say to my mom, how to explain that such a valuable guitar has disappeared. It probably cost a lot of money, and the money in the 90s did not spoil.

Nothing had to be explained. The police officer explained everything to my mom on the phone while I was in the bathroom.

My mother brought me to the police.

The car was caught on the outskirts of the city. During the arrest, drugs and guns were found in the car. So the satisfied policeman told my mom, and I listened, and I was glad that the guitar would come back!

Then there was an identification, where I easily pointed my finger to that fog, rejoicing in revenge. The guitar remained in the police for a long time, possibly coloring the leisure of the staff. And the paper was examined, where it was assessed at 500r. (The price is approximate, I do not remember the numbers. I remember that for that money I could not even buy a new beetle. Well, God is with him, the main thing was returned.

Then there was court. My witness did not come, ignoring several agenda, but it did not go without him.

And most importantly, there was an entirely different face on the defendant’s bench! From the same company, maybe he was in the same car, but not that mist. And here he stood up and said:

“I acknowledge my guilt and apologize to Alexander Sh.”

He said it in such an expression as if he had written my name on the asphalt with bricks. He gave one year.

As a result - the company of gold youth, weapons and drugs, which did not appear at all, the instigator, and I was on betrayal.

But I was still young, so in a couple of months I forgot to think. I remembered a couple of times in a year, scared a little and that’s all.

Surprisingly, why are prisoners not fed fast food in American prisons? The Humanists!

I had to work for two years as an electrical engineer in one government organization. A children’s camp was established. And one worker was sent to a summer camp as an electrician. Since I was single, the choice fell on me. The task is simple - to change the bulbs, repair the sockets and switches. I had a separate room and plenty of free time. I read books and clinged to the girls-chief.
But! I was immediately warned - in the buffet, at the delivery, is the grandmother Katya. For her, you will be an unnecessary mouth, because the food budget is not provided by an electrician (I am directed from the organization, and those about my food do not even think). So you will get half a portion of the garner and the smallest chicken.
In principle, I was enough. And the leaders were feeding at night sittings.
One day a boy came and said he needed help in the kitchen. I postponed Tomik Perumov and stopped doing the job.
Katie's grandmother's electric meat machine broke and the cakes for the entire camp were under threat. An extreme measure has already been announced - to open canned fish. Katya’s grandmother darkened in her eyes. She has been making baby cakes for 30 years and believed that it was the only decent food for a growing body.
I repaired the carnivore in five minutes, and after that I blinked at Baba Kate, from which she even turned red, and it was so.
For lunch, as usual, I came last, and grandmother Katya, as well as shrinking at me, gave me a huge plate full of pure. I didn’t see the catch, but I thought it was some sort of straw. Probably offended by my self-satisfaction. The age difference is 30 years old.
But when I began to eat the purple, there were four cocktails underneath it.
The blinking of Katie's grandmother didn't come out of my head all day. She gave me four cakes. Why Why? What does she need?
At night, I locked myself in all the locks and hung a button to the door.

- Pocmannik did not understand the situation and decided to live up in the crowd of an unauthorized rally. When he was dragged into the car bag, he kicked off and shouted, "Let go, I am my own! I am just stealing!
What is the joke here?
In fact, he was actually released.

I forgot to feed the dog or not.

I have fed it again for the case.

The dog has eaten again.

Xxx: How you sucked your stamps about taxi drivers! I am a taxi driver. It is my conscious choice. When I drive my own car I feel very comfortable. I love to ride a car. I love keeping it in excellent condition. I really like the thanks from my passengers for the comfortable and fast travel, for the clean salon, for the politeness and pleasant conversations, for the pleasant music that I love. I love to build routes and surprise passes with unexpected traffic jams. I love to surprise those who try to insist on the “best” route. I adore my work. And let everyone throw their clothes into the taxi drivers, I almost never fly))) Well, sometimes, like now. And yes, I’ve been selling for 20 years. management of department. Disease and recovery over 2 years. Find yourself and your place in life. Six years in a taxi. I am not ashamed of my profession. And I will give the forum to many other “specialists” intellectually, financially and physically.

Yyy: The green burned, we went.

I get angry when I run for half an hour on the runway, lower my head, look at the timer, and there for forty seconds.

When I was young, I worked on repairing my small area. I had a car in the shape of a barrel instead of a house.
A couple of young families were housed nearby.
So I got tired of using the drill. I forgot my home. I ask my neighbor.
I – “Listen, let the drill drill a couple of holes.”
The neighbor says, “I don’t have a dick myself.”
I am. “Well, I’ll ask another neighbor.”
S.- "a bad idea, it is inadequate in general, it is better not to connect with it."
To explain “inadequacy”, however, he could not.
I go to another neighbor.
I – “listen, the drill is needed, just a couple of holes.”
The neighbor 2. "Listen, the drill is not new to me, you understand that if it burns in your hands, it will be unpleasant for you and me. I will be ashamed to ask you for a new drill, but you will be unhappy to give a new drill for the old drill.”
I thought, “Now it’s clear why he’s inadequate, greedy on the go.”
And the neighbor continues - "giving I will come to you with my drill and help everything that needs to be done, for free and neighborly. And if anything happens to the drill, it will be boring to me alone.”
He came to me and helped me. Since then, I have done the same with others. In my opinion, the most appropriate decision.

On a mortgage, one apartment is bought to yourself, the other to the bank.

I bought a flash for 8 gigs, asked how much the video will fit there? I say 8 gigs. He asks, what about time? There is a man next to you, that’s important. I answer, let’s take a three-litre jar, how much beer will fit there? He says 3 liters... I ask, what about the time? He has a stupor. And the man next to him, as he roared, says this is the best comparison he has ever heard.

We had a very funny psychiatrist. Aunt Ahovo loved her work, and all of our classes were conducted with great enthusiasm.

Once in practice she joyfully said: Today we have an interesting patient! Let us communicate with him!

She brought out of the chamber a tiny little man, somewhere 160 height, kil 50. He sat next to us on a chair. They began to ask:

Sasha, why are you here?

I don’t want to go to a prison psychic.

And why?

My mom and sister said it was bad.

Why did my mother and sister get there?

They killed people, their voices told them.

The voices talk to me too, so I came here.

Who is talking to you?

Three beautiful girls from space.

What are they saying?

The man silently wrapped us in the eyes.

I want to kill you all, but I don’t listen, I don’t want to go to a prison psychic... bad there.

I had the shortest date. I come, I get out of the car, I see a woman standing 15 years older than me, very wide in my shoulders, and says, "I am a woman simple. I am a former athlete, throwing the core. I don’t go to bed with everyone. Only the one who meets my condition. My condition is simple: you now pull out a member and put it in my hand. He will shut down my hand, let us go to me, he will not shut down, and hope not.” And stretches a lap, the size of a small bowl. I immediately said, "Well what you, what you, I will not close, I will probably go," and retired.

Today I will tell you how I met the first nest in my life.

A story about kindergarten, many physiological details.



Larisa Tychovna was a babysitter in my group and sometimes beat me with a folded jump. In general, she didn’t touch me very often, I was quite a quiet obedient child, more often the boys stood barefoot on the cold floor in the toilet during the quiet hour, well, or the girls were fed with a bowl of soup so that they blew in plates, and they were then fed again with the same. Ordinary kindergarten.



Definitely now they will write to me that you did not say anything to anyone, I would... Well, how would we think that everything is okay, we were brought to the kindergarten of mom and dad, and they know exactly how and what to do. So it's right that Tychovna periodically squeezes someone in a beet salad, gently squeezes a dishwasher on his face, or promises to all to remove the cowards from the child.



Once Larisa Tychovna became seriously angry and took off the cowards in front of everyone from some little insomnia.

The episode struck me and I told my mom everything. Mom cautiously asked me about Tivovna and cried, in the evening Dad promised to put the heart of the babysitter in our living room on the carpet.



The next day we went to the head, she told us that this was the first complaint, promised to resolve soon and sent me to the group.

Further, I remember only that I was not allowed to go to the toilet, for some reason, it was important for me to get rid of it, and better to get rid of it. She whispered to the children not to play with "this snake", but they seemed to play anyway, I don't remember the discomfort about this, but sometimes I wanted to suck desperately. The number of insults increased, but the handwriting stopped.



I don’t know how long this would last, but the case helped.

One day my dad came to me and found that five children were sitting in a group and playing, and there was no teacher or babysitter. He dressed me and took me home.

At home, he told his mother the situation, that he was completely offhelied, the children were left alone. My mother ran to the garden.



She went into the group with the parents of another boy and asked loudly:

So, where is my child?

Panic began, the educator and Tychovna ran down the stairs, then the nurse and the head run with them. Called the militia.

The police arrived, guessed to call us home, the child was "found", but a report was sent to the Reno.

Rono began the inspection, other children were questioned, a lot of shit came out, and with this muddy stream the headmaster, educator and Larisa Tychovna was forever wiped out of my life.

A country in which the price of a commodity is hit at the factory when it is manufactured is an example of stability and confidence in tomorrow. Until the idiots control it.