I am a programmer. My girlfriend is a slider. I am afraid of her.

The toilet on the wall:
"A place for smoking people with non-traditional sexual orientation."

Imagine interference on all TV channels. Suddenly the head of Yeltsin appears and says:
Missed me? Are you missing me? Missed me?! to

The Court:

The xxx:
I recently gave birth. My son is 2 months. I recently caught myself holding the cat, supporting her head and slightly swinging. When she tried to escape, she calmly knocked on the side, pushed stronger and shrugged.

The xxx:
This is a cape, comrades.

This is norm! In six months, you will be thinking, digging in the phone in a row to swing! I am telling you like a father. My little one is still calm.

Do not confuse "time to roll" and "time to change something".

"Returners" do not actually change anything, no benefit from their nuts.
Don’t like the country – think about what specifically you can do to make it better?
You can and do not want anything? Keep quiet, do not disturb others.

A joke on the subject:

Grandmother to the girl: - Here you crush the butterfly but in Africa the children are starving!
Girl: Grandma, I won’t throw a butt to Africa.

Something this winter will not happen this year. They say the snowmen were raised. The January brother broke up.
Yes, no, just last year brother April moved two weeks, so he was forced to work on holidays.

News "Six universities from the Irkutsk region are recognized as ineffective"
In the text, the phrase: "Vuz can quite get out of the list if it provides the necessary package of documents to the commission."
xxx: Key phrase: “providing a package...”
Remember, this is not an envelope!

A friend moved from the old jewelry to a new car with an automaton. His impressions are:
"There is enough driving skills in the GTA, only you can’t crash"

At least a large layer of fat formed, 178 cm and 66 kg. With any girl I would change this gift.

Friend, and you try to convince the girls that such a gift is transmitted sexually.

[10:07:07] <xxx> shuffle
[10:07:10] <xxx> urgently set the order
[10:07:14] <xxx> work safety is coming to you
[10:07:15] <xxx>!!!! to
[10:25:19] *** yyy - Absence [Autostatus (inactive)]
[10:26:22] *** yyy - On the net
[10:45:36] <yyy> Our closet door fell :) on checking :)
[10:45:45] <xxx> yellow

XXX: That these saints, whispering letters everywhere, should dream. Especially those who write with the proper "I-God". The most devastating traits, with pawyanimi zadami. After all, you explain, you turn out, that in the text, where "God" and "Lord" are used outside of the connection with religion, only mostly blasphemy is direct, if with the correct, and nothing more, like a wall of grain. I, says this godly lady, am not interested in your atheistic preferences. The damn grandpa. She sent her a favourite example, submitted by one of the friends who outraged for the same reason: "He fucking like God." Silence of something. Is it alive there.

YYY: As for the latter example, (although this is against the rules of the Russian language) many women would like to leave a big letter there. Or am I wrong?

ZZZ: for stylistic purposes :-)

YYY: To better express your attitude to this quality.

Discussing a colleague whose subordinates go to decree annually:

I figured out, Miche should give employees condoms every night.
In the morning, collect the used and check the sealability.

Why are you late today?
YYY: I couldn’t get in the bus.)

I posted an advertisement for the sale of the apartment. The computer to turn on was lazy, so I took a plan. On one of the ad sites filled out all the data, and in the item "Description" wrote "Metal plastic pipes. The balcony is glazed." And sent.
Only then did I read the text. Thanks to Android! He knows how to write correctly:
"Metal lattice cutting pipes. The balcony was shot."

The chief in a private house made himself warm floors, only did not calculate and together with the main contour equally heated and the floor... up to 90 degrees... today developed schemes for unfolding contours, wiping tears with drawings...

I have a pony.
Q: What are you doing with the pony?

Son, you don’t know that Instagram is only for pedics and celebrities? If I open Google now and don’t find your fan club, I don’t know what I’ll do with you.

From Habr:
Q: Are you seriously asking or sarcastic?
............

What a beautiful word!
“She sarcasmized ten times a night.”

zzz: Sarcasmized, sarcasmized, but not sarcasmized.

Headlines on News@mail:
Elton John destroyed a Russian concert agency

Here is Pidor.

Olympic fire at the Eagle. The governor of the region is released on stage under the Imperial March (real). The dark side of the force doesn’t sleep... (but the sound director may have problems)