I stand, smoke on the balcony, night in the courtyard, 2 o'clock at night. A man goes in a cap and approaches the neighbor’s car, which looks like in the trunk. Although the house was new and only arrived for a month, but a couple of neighbors remembered. And it was clearly not he, in the sense of not the owner. I know him and the guy like go off the car, I know the owner and it’s obviously not you. When I get out, I break my skull and get there. He goes away well. And went away. I was glad I didn’t have to go out. What a bad thief, absolutely.

The next evening, the owner of this car approaches and says thank you for the type you noticed and drove out. I don’t want to help, neighbors need to help. How do you know that? And he - that's what I was, but I didn't take risks, suddenly drunk, not recognized from a distance and you don't recognize nearby and actually dressed up, decided to leave.

He stood dumb, he was not ashamed.

I was called by the collectors for two or three months, several times a day. I asked someone. I always took the phone and listened carefully. Sometimes he asked me to call back without answering their questions. He always said the same phrase "... it's probably the previous SIM card owner."



I got bored and they gave up first. I was asked to contact the bank to ban calls, explaining how to do it. I said I was lazy and they didn’t tire of me yet.



When connected, they began to often throw the phone. Then they stopped calling.

If you are not intelligent, at least do not stand out as stupid.

Anyone other than me wonder what the judges are guided by when delivering sentences? Personally, after reading a lot of sentences on duty of service, I found little logic in them. As an example, let me compare two sentences:
1st Sergey Fedorovich I., the name Grandfather. The crime: Drinking alcohol with one of the accomplices, quarreled. Sergey's own growth was small, which is called "a meter with a cap". He took the table and attached the opponent to the head, which is why he suddenly tired and lay to rest. He was taken to the hospital, where he was released the next day. For a month and a half, he lived as if he had nothing to do with it: he whipped almost every day, cooked drinks for the winter, and then suddenly died. After that, Sergey was arrested, tried and sentenced under p. “E” and “H” 2 st. 105 Criminal Code of the Russian Federation (murder with special cruelty) to twenty years of imprisonment.
2nd Rudolph Rudolphovich I. with a tail deprived his opponent of his life, broke them into four pieces and hid them in different places of the abandoned house. Our court, the most humane in the world, sentenced him to a masterpiece. 108 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation (exceeding the necessary self-defense) and, taking into account the underpinned sentence on the previous conviction (one and a half years) partial composition appointed for serving three years four months of imprisonment.
Not judging the judges, I’m just wondering how they are guided by delivering such sentences?

Gennprookuror SŠA, having seen the house of the Prosecutor General of Russia, realized that the American dream was this.

To be charming, clever, and clever is not difficult. The difficulties come in the morning.

Torture or noblesse oblige.

There is no useless knowledge - there will always be a situation in which it will be useful.
And when you have to do the fucking thing - the opportunity to use forgotten knowledge increases many times.
Let me demonstrate the above with a half-forgotten episode of my life.
So, in the early 90s, the first stage of emigration - exams for the profession.
And if the doctors are more or less clear: three examinations for a doctor, one exam - a three-day marathon - for a license and forward, into the slavery of the internship, then for dentists the way to the license is another.
The state of California allows them to take theoretical exams, then practical and, after successful passing them, issues a license to the dentist, the right to work in the specialty.
At first glance - dentists are easier, their path is easier and shorter.
But this is far from the case: theoretical exams are quite possible to pass.
But here is practical... a completely different thing, expensive and complicated.
The candidate must lead his patients, bring his tools and materials, the assistant – in a word, everything.
This is a costly pleasure, I must say, especially for poor immigrants.
By the way, the most expensive in all this are the patients.
They must be found, examined and prepared, paid for the road, accommodation, food, compensation - in a word, it is easy to get money.
A distraction: and all this without a guarantee of success, less than 50% passed this exam from the first time, the exam was held rarely, twice a year, the fee for it - something in the area of a thousand, in that money...
So it’s not surprising that my childhood friend, Wendy, asked me to help. The tooth. The mine. A healthy tooth, without a single seal and crown - under the golden crown, the assignment of the exam. And I agreed, without thinking about it: the concept of friendship and immigrant solidarity dictated to do just that, and not otherwise.
The boring road from Los Angeles to San Francisco in an old American dandelion, stopped with friends, I slept in the passing room on the bench - in a word, luxury and more.
Exam in the morning. Vienna is nervous, clear thing, but with the assistant he was lucky, knowledgeable and skillful.
Equipment, materials – but most of all he was lucky with the patient: I myself from a family of dentists, never afraid of them, a calm experienced patient, reassuring the doctor – everything went well from the beginning.
Vienna, a dentist in the third generation, very skillfully gave me anesthesia, I was cemented, the procedure was long, several hours, each stage is checked by examiners, we move to the final stage, we dressed the crown and cemented, glowing with gold, I go to the final check.
And here something went wrong...
The anesthesia ended, or the exam lasted longer and Wena did not calculate whether he had to update it - who knows.
This final check was also the most fundamental.
and careful.
After looking at the X-rays and examining the crown from the outside, the examiner began to check the degree of deepening of the crown in the gums. The gums, awakened from anesthesia and rich in nerve endings.
The first touch of the sharp probe was extremely painful, I involuntarily strained.
It did not go unnoticed, the examiner stopped and asked dissatisfied:
Do you hurt? Patients should not feel anything, you did not have anesthesia?? to
I did not hurt, sorry, I just didn’t expect, please continue.
Friend, and for friendship what you do, I will tolerate.
Manda...
It had to be endured for a long time, for an eternity, for five to seven minutes, the Inquisitor in a white coat methodically and mercilessly ticked with a sharp probe, spotting the edges of the crown.
Millimeter by millimeter, across the periphery of the crown, the sharp needle was injected into me dozens of times.
It was torture.
Which I had to endure. Moreover, not to show that I am hurt.
And that was when I used my useless book knowledge.
Revolutionary Camus managed to deceive psychiatrists in such a situation — but he was almost handed out by enlarged pupils.
I closed my eyes tightly and imagined myself as a Spartan young man whose lion had taken away a piece of his liver.
Samurai during Harakiri.
A deep slow breath, to relax the muscles, to count to a hundred and back, said about himself the prayer "Listen, Israel!", mentally covered the examiner with the most dirty blasphemy in all the languages known to me, squeezed the handles of the chair under the sheet...
I endured.
The torture stopped precisely when I began to think about putting a dental chair on my cat’s head.
Then I realized that I had boundaries and I visited them.
Wendy suspects something:
You are all wet! What happened?? to
No, Jenny, it was very hot there.
In the evening, Vienna opened a restaurant, ate, drank, danced.
The exam he passed.
More precisely we.
I am proud of myself, for 25 years.
You are the first I told you.
by Michael Ashnin

When a synoptic is asked about the length of his penis, he answers, “14 feels like 19.”

The fact that at the age of 32 I am still not married only means that statistically I avoided my first divorce.

xxx: D94НН03 C006Щ3НN3 P0К4ЗЫ8437, K4КN3 U9N8N73ЛЬНЫ3 83ЩN M0Ж37 93Л47Ь Н4Ш Р4ЗУМ! 8P3P4P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P3P SN4H4L4 E70 6YLL0 7RU9N0, N0 S3YCH4S N4 E70Y S7R0K3 84S R4ZUM ČN7437 E70 4870M47NCH3SKN, N3 Z49Umy84YAS 06 E70M. by G0R9N. LNCH 0PR393L3NNY3 LU9N M0GU7 PR0CHN747E70.

YYY: I have the wind activated, thank you!

I have a friend who I know, and I call him Miko. A man of extraordinary politeness, will always move the chair to the girl, open the door, pass forward... a gentleman, shorter.

This story happened to him two years ago on December 24 (his second birthday). It was an ordinary morning and Miha came out of the apartment, called the elevator, there was a woman 50-55 years old in the elevator, he kissed her and they began to descend to the first floor, when they came out of the entrance, Miha, like a real gentleman, opened the door and missed her forward. The woman took two steps and she got a powerful puddle on her head.

P. S. Miha called an ambulance, the woman got rid of a shock.

Be a gentleman

Every year I remember Serena. I had such a friend. Probably the saddest phrase in the world – I had a friend. was was. He and his parents lived in the apartment near the entrance, just across the wall from us. We have often heard what his father puts in order. He struck and chased the whole family, beat his wife and beat his son. And Seregha’s mother also loved drinking and drinking.



He spent most of his time out of the house and when he went to school, in addition to a backpack with textbooks and notebooks, he always took with him a football ball that his grandfather gave him before he died. After the lessons, we played football, and when people became smaller, we switched to "banana" or "square", and so on - until late in the evening. As a result, Seroga always remained alone and tapped the ball until his mother from the balcony called him home. It happened even in winter. One day after dinner, before I went to bed, I looked out the window: it was dark, there was snow, white and white, the lamp lit the helmet in the yard, and underneath it Seroga filled the "hundred".



When we were twelve, with the permission of my parents, I invited him to celebrate the New Year at my home. On the eve, my dad gave me money for a new ball for Sergio, because his old one was completely worn out. He looked around him, turned his hands and said only “Thank you.” At this time, behind the wall of his ancestors worshipped in the company of the same drunken women, and from there, and the matter was communicated maternal rhetoric. Furthermore, Sergey was red because he did not prepare any gifts himself. But by midnight it bloomed, because we went to the city tree, ride the hills, run the labyrinths and fireworks. On the way back, Sereg said it was the best New Year in his life and he will never forget it.



Since then he has been home often. My parents did not object and were even "for" because Sergio studied well and helped me with the lessons. In the rest of the time, we crashed into the Fifa on the console or chased the ball in the courtyard. Sometimes, usually on the day of important football broadcasts, he stayed with us overnight, and my mother supplied us with all sorts of chips and allowed us to watch the television until late. It was possible to turn off the sound, because Seroga and without a commentator knew by the names of all the players and coaches.



To the general surprise, after school he did not go to the sports academy, but submitted documents to the economic institute. In another city. He only told me when he needed to get to the station. Fuck, we, my father and I, took him there, not his own parents, and he promised to call, but from the moment of leaving he did not respond to the letters and did not make himself known. Later, I managed to find him on social networks, but he ignored my messages, and then even joked. I pledged to myself that at the next meeting I would definitely smash him in the teeth, at least in a plum. My father told me not to think badly about friends, and only since then I have had only two words about Serogue – “ungrateful clutter.”



I’m glad he wasn’t here at that time. Even when his father drank to death, and the elderly mother cried in the empty apartment, Seroga did not announce, in order to at least brag about the inheritance. Then for me everything just started to clarify, and a couple of years ago, when I came to visit my parents for the New Year, just like a long time ago, I looked through the window of my former room to the street and understood everything. It was night and a large snow fell, and the old lamp still lit our courtyard. At that moment I felt like a lonely boy. Everyone is sitting in warm, cozy apartments and preparing for the holiday, and this ball is filling up on the street. He is not training or preparing for a career as a professional athlete. He doesn’t need it, he doesn’t need anything: no football, no new ball, no friends. He just doesn’t want to go home. He dreams of growing up, leaving and forgetting everything. Everything, both good and bad. Now he finally broke out, and thank God.



Maybe I just invented it, maybe I’m just trying to justify a friend. Yes, a friend is the best in childhood, the worst now, but still a friend. Anyway, every New Year I recall it and wait for a call, because even the old comrades who have almost forgotten themselves come together once or twice a year. Congratulations on the holidays, wishes health, do business. They have not communicated for a long time, but at one point they are so happy to hear each other again, talk, learn what and how. Just like before, in my youth. As if the friendship had not ended. They have nothing in common except memories. At least one, about the best New Year in life. Yes, Sergey, yes, I will never forget him either. The good is not forgotten. Happy New Year, friends, with new happiness!

In old age we are getting slower and life is getting faster.

It was long ago. I have a girl I know (let’s call her Oksana), who at the age of 15 had an angina. Angina complicated the ligaments.

A rough, drunken and smoked male voice from the mouths of a girl with an angelish appearance seriously complicated Khushina's personal life. For a long time, the school and the institute were left behind, the working days went by, and the prince on the white horse was not. Well, what a prince, Oksana was already slowly, but correctly approached the line "let drink, smoke, scary, but at least a set of limbs in the set."

The guys at least lost in the first conversation with her. Some, when trying to get acquainted on the street rounded their eyes of horror and urgently withdrew. But if the acquaintance lasted more than one evening, then the slim figure, beautiful face and excellent sense of humor outweighed the sensations of talking to the old bosman. And when it came to sex, another (submarine stone) rock mass popped up.

Oksana stood during sex and sooner or later started screaming. I could not hold it back. And when the gentle female body in your arms begins to scream with the voice of Gigurda, then 90% of the men instantly lost all sexual attraction and no longer communicated with Xusha. The remaining 10% were usually too drunk to understand anything, but the next time in a more condemned state joined the majority.
And Khushka wanted a normal family, children and, what to hide, regular sex. Closing the mouth with a palm, a pillow compressed with teeth, and even a clap purchased in a sex shop - the situation was not corrected. Years went by, Oksane was already thirty - a successful career, a large apartment, a expensive SUV and a favorite basset hound did not bring her complete happiness. From despair she began to look more and more at the bottom of the red dry bottle.

I don’t know how it would end if it wasn’t a lucky coincidence. Oksana met her happiness at the service, where she served the car. Artem worked as an auto mechanic, was shouldered and strained, but from birth he was hearing impaired. Even with hearing aids, he asked the interlocutor to speak louder, and he needed to see people’s lips to fully understand what it was about.

The couple now has three children, and in mid-January they will celebrate their 20th anniversary of marriage.

I sell a tree. urgently!

As you know, first, the sentences in German are very long, and secondly, the denial is often put at the end - nicht.



And here, therefore, the synchronist translates a lengthy German phrase and suddenly as a shoulder on the head - at the end of "nicht", changing the meaning to the opposite.

The translator stopped for a fraction of a second, and then continued as if nothing had happened:



“You might think. In fact, it is the opposite.”

The ability to deliver remains only with the sellers.

The story line.
Simple and straight line like the Russian road. Without bite and bite. New Year and short.

My husband decided to get married before the New Year. Right on December 31. A colleague, to be clear, is an engineer and chief engineer of an enterprise engaged in the border of the devil on the horns, in the taiga, the tundra and other forest steppes with burans, meltings and frosts up to eternal frost in the field conditions of construction towns.

If my colleagues decide something, they will definitely drink, as Vladimir Semenovich sang. And their approach is thorough and thorough. Therefore, when deciding to get married, they first agree with the future bride. Because a wedding without a bride is nonsense and the limit of tolerance. The friend was called Lehoy, and the bride was Yulka. No, they are still called so, although I am not sure about this, because all coincidences are fictional, the fiction is accidental, and the imagination is rich.

And here Leha agreed with Yulka about the fact of marriage about a year. After six months, they agreed on the date of the wedding and also agreed. We agreed with all the parents and guests. Such dates must be agreed in advance, because there are very few people free on December 31. Especially if you want to call a snowflake, you need to do so in advance. Or invite friends. But Yulke and Lehe succeeded. That is Yulia. Because Leha and Yulka agreed, and then dropped on his favorite job to raise money. Restaurant, hotel for guests and transportation. The dress finally with the costume, not in ounces of the same Lehe to marry a sweater. The palace was still rented in Moscow for the exit ceremony. At that time, it was difficult to impossible. After Romanov rented in Peter, the strictness began across the country.

It’s twenty-nine, when it’s all on the table. Yulka, you can say in Moscow, the last shoes to fatten, Leha gathered from his tundra from the underwater crossing closer to the big airport to move forward. There are first deer in the form of an all-roadside, then a helicopter, then to some large Chelyabinsk-Ufa-Yekaterinburg by a special flight with a watch, then to the capital. Or at least somewhere. And here Leha came for the last time to the site, where the excavator of frozen ice was cheering in a fun bowl near the shore of the northern river. See the latest instructions to give, purely to calm your nerves.

He went and took the ice and failed. Four hundred Hitachi slowly under the ice with the excavator. Whoever is there, whoever is there, whoever is there, and whoever is there, whoever is there, whoever is there. Unfortunately by the way. I wanted to drag the excavator through the upper lock. In winter clothes, a man can't get out of the hole by himself. In normal circumstances. And from fear of drowning, he is quite himself with a whisper. And while Lecha dropped his jacket on the pieces of ice, water and hose onto the roof, the mechanic was already sitting there, waiting for the roof to equal with the water, so that it would be more convenient to run. Everything ended well, only washed out both, and Lehe could not climb as it turned out.

And then Lech the Thirty, after swimming, arrived on the translated deer to civilization, to the central office of the Ural office, changed his clothes and lay in his rest room on the couch in front of the plane for half an hour to kiss. A little tired. and slept. He told two friends that he would rest a little, asked to wake up, not trusting the alarm, and fell asleep. He dreamed of an Achilles. First, that he was late for the wedding, and second, that he and Yulka divorced. And a lot more, not so much remembered.

When he woke up he knew where. Somewhere in a completely unfamiliar place. And I realized that I was very late, because I fell asleep in the evening, and I woke up in the afternoon, in the window was clearly the thirty-first of December, along with the winter noon sun.

And here he enters the room, and where the room Leha has not yet understood, but already realized that his own wedding has already walked, or is about to walk, one of his friends, whom he asked instead of the alarm clock to work appears in front of Leha's eyes. Well, and accordingly, he hears what the alarm clock usually hears, guilty of the owner being late to work. That is, nothing good, but just lucky that it was not thrown on the wall or thrown out the window.

And here Yulka at a friend from behind the back looks, embarrassedly smiling. And Leha understands that even if it is late, it is somehow not definitive. Especially in the white. This is not a dress, but a dress. And a friend in a hospital coat and a bunch of people in the room went in white too.

This may not have been the first wedding in this hospital where Leha had a severe pneumonia, but at the time it was the happiest. How for the remaining 24 hours of Lechina friends managed to fly for Yulka, to organize a flight of guests from Moscow to the Ural, as agreed with the ZAGS, hospital, hotels and restaurants they themselves do not remember or simply do not tell. Also a kind of uncertainty. It is not important. Tomorrow, fifteen years after the event, and by the thirty-first, they still didn’t have time. But by January 1st... And believe me, no, no one had to persuade for a long time.

The president explained why people in Russia live well, but they are bad.

My friend stopped smoking in this way: he graduated from the military, went to the special forces, and then to Chechnya, in 2002. I smoked the course from the fourth, there was nothing to do, so one day, at the block-post, a summer evening, I went to the fresh air to lift up... By that time, the active phase of the fighting in the republic was already behind, but the mountains were still run by the unbeaten militants. So here: the Chechen sniper saw a fire, targeted, made a discount on the wind or as they call it there, and burned a little lower. The guy saved only that the sniper was sitting far away; the bullet broke through the armor and stuck in the chest muscle, the heart was not enough a couple of centimeters. But he smoked for his whole life, no longer pulling.