My friend recently pleased me :)

In the morning, as usual, she leads her daughter to the kindergarten, and she with her intrinsic curiosity asks:

Mom, where are you working?

Mother :

In the bank.

The girl who nodded her forehead:

A hammer, right?

The comrade told me. I met again with the former after about a year of separation. She asks him:

Did you have someone this year?

Just like you, sweet. (This is the master answer fucking)

The second day she walked thoughtful and silent.

Someone is constantly turning the lights at the entrance. I’ll ask him why he has lights on that light.

Rushed

Behind the windows a black forest flashed, on the table in a steel bowl borscht was cooled, tea was drizzled with a glass. What could be more fun than a restaurant car? I was his last visitor that day. The director sat at my desk and we talked.
From politics, the conversation gently came to the upbringing of children and the director (unfortunately, I never knew his name) told this story:

The child cannot be fooled. Whom you want to cheat: a friend, a wife, a boss, but your son never.
Unfortunately, we realize this very late. Twenty years ago, I met the best father in the world. His children can only be jealous. of humanity.
I went to Simferopol then, and the same evening, a man came to me in the restaurant, with a small cellophane bag in his hands, in which the fish is seen. The man laughed and said:

"Sorry, I have a huge request for you, a question of life: could you hide this in your freezer until Simferopol?

I still thought – well, they’re obsessed with myself in general and I answer:

How do you imagine it? Should I bring your unknown fish to your freshest products? So what? Throw away this leech and don’t shake my head, I even feel through the bag its smelling smell.
- Yes, I understand everything, but you see, it's not entirely lazy, or rather not just lazy. In order for you to understand me correctly, I will tell you from the beginning. Even in April, my daughter was four years old, and she always dreamed of getting a Mermaid for her birthday and not a toy with a cracked tail, but the most real, alive. I was stupid and promised, Daddy can do anything. What had to be done was to buy a Barbie doll, paint her hair in green, break her legs, take in a fish store a live leach, cross it off half, pull it out slightly from the inside and fix it with a screw through the hole from the legs. Well, you will see for yourself (he got out of the package of this beast with a puppet body, and from under the tightly knotted rubber dress was a real fish tail)
Since then, for three months now, I have been forced every three or four days to change her fading tails with new ones. At first I counted, then I missed the account, probably a ton of fish was transferred to her. He was already not happy to get involved, but there is nowhere to go, the daughter just loves her, kindergarten girlfriends also come to visit, jealous. They also convinced me that you can't sleep with a Mermaid, she should live in the refrigerator. And in general, in the air, the Mermaid sleeps all the time like a sleeping beauty, and she will live up only at home in the underwater kingdom. Look, we barely reached the holiday, we go, finally, to let the sufferer go to our father, the sea king. But, I am afraid that we will not reach the sea, the corpse begins to rot. Can you help with Morocco? Can you give me a piece of ice?

Of course, I helped, even a new tail from the hookup was arranged for her. As long as you get from Simferopol to the sea, and it's another four hours, you shouldn't go away.
Here is the real father with the big letter, “you, the present are nuts”.

Everyone has a concept of equality. Some believe that equality is when everyone comes to the finish line at the same time, others - when everyone starts from the start line at the same time.

AAA: on vacation and at work I fly for a long time with a small suitcase that weighs 5 kg (the suitcase itself 2-3 kg). I don’t understand those who pull the balls.

BBB: Please share your experience, what is there in a suitcase weighing 2 kilos?

ccc: Yesterday, my friend and I had a long guess that the AAA had 2 kg of luggage for vacation. They decided that he did not take anything, bought everything he needed on the spot, then thrown away without regret. Otherwise the puzzle does not fold)

Zzz: 2 kg of cash euro :)

Gasoline instead of a dollar began to cost 50 cents...What people are not happy with? Some rubles are invented.

Q: Did I tell the story of how we fed a group of cats on the street?
by No-A
Well, it started logically – with the fact that we got a bottle of alcohol...

but gasoline still costs more after they started buying oil cheaply, so what is it called?
— — —
"Money is very important"

In one-eyes, half of the music with the tag "deleted at the request of the copyright holder" was blocked. Among the others was an unnamed performer of Sufyan music (well, I put everything I liked to do now). How, fucking, his copyright holders found this creation in my collection?? to

He weighed up with the cat on a brothershaft - 120 kilograms. 60 pounds of yours, Murzick, 60 of yours.

Darkness in the ass is not just a black man.
The proctologist.

XXX: I decided to look at it at Mirf...
xxx:...and a few refugees from the genres that they put there. Here's who will tell me, the incomprehensible, how "female epic fantasy" differs from simply "epic fantasy"? Does the author have a vagina? What if the authors are 2 or more and they are heterosexual? What if the author is a transgender?
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The boss loves the idiots.

YYY: If the protagonist is a cool men and crushes enemies in cabbage, it’s an epic fantasy.
YYY: If the main character is a good guy, and crushes enemies into a winery - this is a female epic fantasy.

From the controversy about the fact that Barbie has a bad effect on the psychic of girls:

Author: I can reassure you. As a child, I had Barbie dolls, children’s cosmetics, Disney cartoons, and in the morning I was always a princess. That didn’t stop me from growing up as a fat and evil feminist. Your daughter is still ahead.

In a metric system of measurements, one milliliter of water takes up one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and one calorie of energy is needed to heat it up to one degree Celsius, which is one percent of the difference between its freezing and boiling points. The hydrogen contains one mol of atoms.
In the U.S. system of measures, the answer to the question "How much energy will be needed to boil a gallon of room temperature water?" will be "Goed to the ground", because it will not be possible to directly compare any of the values used.

I’m not a grammar-nazi, but the phrase “plunging on the museum” finally knocked me out of the track.

They are not all of this world. In his time when Serdyukov was defense minister, he went to Murmansk, where they launched Bulava. Shoot, she safely hit the target in Kamchatka. Everyone is satisfied. At the time, the commander of the nuclear submarine!!!! He received about 25 thousand rubles, which is to say about ordinary officers. And here the commander submerges to Serdyukov with the words: the guys tried, we need to encourage.Serdyukov on the joys - of course, offer as much as you ask, the officer modestly: well can two salaries? You are a...L! With two salaries? Write three hundred thousand and it’s enough!
It is said that so fast the commander has never run through the Finnish service.

I remembered.

The Soviet man is my friend. I recognize his eyes. He is not lying, he is only rotating on his skulls. In his narrow apartments, he silently grows old and grows moustaches, in the day-to-day he drinks strong tea, on weekends - vodka. When I come to visit someone, I immediately look at the wallpapers – if they are old, in flowers, with spots, bubbles, photo wallpapers, foolish calendars – I am in the house where I will be understood. Here they live honestly, they don’t trust anyone, they despise many, they drink tea endlessly and wait for it to end. Welcome to the world of the missing, ugly, closed, short-sighted. This is my home, I don’t need another.

Aaa: I picked up my daughter in the kindergarten, wearing a dress, I see — there is no button. Well, pulled for a needle with a thread - squeeze quickly. And suddenly some dreamy memory inside awoke and shouted, “On a man nothing can be sewn! It is only for the dead! Take off your clothes!”
bbb: If you are forced to sew on yourself / a friend - you need to hold a piece of bitten thread in your mouth. And in no case to talk, silently carry out the operation.
ccc: Oh, the chip code!

On the wave of psychologists recalled the case from the school:

The case was in class 9-10, the psychologist brought us the test. Totally anonymous, as she said. The test itself was the most common with questions such as smoking or not smoking, drinking or not drinking, using drugs, etc. Well, I wrote in a joke that I smoke like a steam car; I drink like an alkas with 10 years of experience; I eat drugs for breakfast and think about suicide every day. No, and what then? The test is anonymous.

The next day I am called to a psychologist and they say that, say, username, we know that everything is bad with you. I said, “In the sense? “” And I get in my face with my anonymous test. I was a big kid then, and my parents were even more.